“Leave her alone, Jess, she’s super drunk,” Nick says.
I push myself back up and flick my eyes to Seeley, who looks decidedly unimpressed. Shit.
“Leave her alone? She’s practically making out with you in front of me and her supposed girlfriend!”
“She is not,” Nick groans.
“Yeah,” I say, retreating to where Seeley is sitting. “Am not.”
Jessa narrows her eyes and turns back toward Nick. “You don’t think it’s strange that she’s all touchy-feely with you, but they never kiss, and they never make out? They barely act any different!”
“We’re not exactly going to flaunt our relationship all over this backwoods town. We do have some sense of selfpreservation, Jessa. Sorry to disappoint,” Seeley says, and I’ve never been more proud. I have the smartest, cleverest best friend.
“Yeah, sorry to disappoint.” I scowl and lean my head against Seeley’s shoulder, which is sweaty and hot but somehow more comfortable than any shoulder in the history of shoulders ever, and oh my god, I am too drunk for this.
“We kiss all the time—you just don’t know it,” I say, shutting my eyes, and I’m just sober enough to feel Seeley stiffen beside me.
Jessa snorts. “Then why does Seeley look terrified right now?”
I open my eyes and sit up, studying Jessa’s angry, pinched face, and Nick’s confused one, before finally settling on Seeley’s. “You’re not terrified,” I mumble. “Are you?” I don’t know if she’s looking at me like “Yay” or “Shit,” but she shakes her head and I instantly feel better.
But everyone is staring, and I am so drunk, and, wow, she’s kind of beautiful in the glow of the food truck, with her hair all clipped back and smelling like summer. Her face is only inches from mine and I could do it, you know. Right here, right now. I shut my eyes and lean forward and—
I am
pressing
my lips
to hers
before I
can catch
myself.
She’s soft, and warm, and tastes like spun sugar and vodka. Her lips are parted, and I can’t tell at first if it’s surprise or encouragement—but then she’s kissing me back, and holy shit my best friend is a good kisser. I open my eyes long enough to see her, to make sure this is really happening, and then I slam them back shut, overloaded by the sensation. Seeley leans forward a little, losing her balance, and I drop back to the blanket.
“Get a room!” Nick whoops, and when we pull apart, I touch my lips because wow that was amazing. And then I freeze, my whole body tensing up like I’ve been electrocuted, because um . . . what? Seeley’s staring at me with wide eyes and yeah, I wanted to kiss her, wanted to get Jessa off our back, but . . . I don’t even know.
I squeeze my eyes shut; this is too much: too much alcohol and cotton candy coursing through my veins, too many people here beside me, staring and wondering and wanting me to do things or not do them, and I can’t even think straight anymore with so many sets of eyes on me. My lips taste like the cotton candy Seeley was eating and the crowd is filling up around us, coming to see the spectacle of explosions in the air, and they’re stepping and squeezing onto my little fleece oasis like animals charging the gate, and I can’t.
I can’t.
I have to go. Right now. Immediately. Before my brain flips itself inside out and all the butterflies welling up in my stomach come screaming out of my throat. I open my eyes, frowning at the confusion scrawled on everyone’s faces. “I gotta go.”
I jump up and start walking, not even caring that my flip-flops are still tucked under the edge of the blanket behind Seeley. I weave through the crowd, feeling so, so lost, and drunk and mixed up beyond belief. I start to run, shoving people out of my way, until my feet can match the speed of the thoughts spiraling through my brain. I shove until I break out, until I’m standing in the gravel beside the road at the very edge of the park, the small stones biting hard into my soft skin.
Seeley’s hand wraps around my wrist, an anchor in the storm, and she jerks me around fast before I run into the road. I stare at her with wide eyes as the first firework goes off, spattering against the dark sky in a mess of bright pink and white. A bead of sweat trails down her neck and gets caught in the strap of her tank top, and she’s staring at me, and I can’t tell if she’s mad or not. I can’t even tell. We’re just standing here, waiting for something to happen, anything. Our eyes flick to the sky, and then back to each other.
“Come on.” She tugs my wrist hard after her. “You want to run, let’s run.”
And so we do, around the edge of the crowd and across the street, with the earth scraping at our feet where it can’t quite catch us, her blanket whipping against my legs as I race to the beat of her backpack. She leads this time and I follow, darting into the quiet, dark part of the park where no one goes on nights like this because half the sky is obscured by old willow trees.
We run until her grasp slips from my wrist to my hand, until our fingers tangle together and lock into place, until my breath hitches and my foot slips, and we crash to the ground together, our bodies vibrating from the force of our laughter.
“Are you okay?” she asks, but I’m laughing so hard I can’t talk and there are tears in my eyes. Because this is a summer night, and a boozy head, and my best friend in the whole world, and everything else is just clutter to untangle in the morning. It doesn’t even matter right now. It doesn’t.
Seeley pushes on her thighs with her hands to stand up and walks over to where the blanket fell when we did. She tosses it in my direction and I bunch it under my head, letting the damp earth soak into the back of my clothes while I stare up at the sparkling sky above.
“Oooh, a heart. I love when they do that one.” Seeley pulls the bottles out of her backpack again and hands me one. “Drink, before we sober up.”
“I don’t know,” I say, because more booze sounds like both the best and worst idea ever. But I take the bottle and gulp until I feel the burn even in my feet because I kissed Seeley, and it really didn’t suck.
“That was kind of an amazing kiss,” I say, because I have no filter without alcohol, so I definitely don’t have one with.
“Yeah?” she says, and kind of ducks her head and blushes.
“You gotta teach me how to do that.”
“Okay,” she laughs.
I smile and stare up at the sky, watching the little bit of fireworks I can see through the branches. I have the best, best friend in the world, and everything is roses. “They totally bought it too.”
“What?”
I turn my head toward her, a sleepy smile on my face. “Nick and Jessa, I mean.”
“Right,” she says, gripping her bottle so hard it crinkles. “Yeah.”
It’s not what she says, but the way she says it, that cuts through the haze enough to set off an alarm. “Are you mad?”
“No,” she huffs, ripping the blanket out from under my head and shoving it into her backpack. “How could I possibly be mad, Lou?”
I sit up slowly, rubbing the back of my head where it hit the ground. “What’s your problem?”
“What’s my problem? Oh gee, I don’t know. Maybe it’s that you’ve been using me all summer, and I’m over it. Am I even on your radar as a person anymore? Or am I just this thing that follows you around and does whatever you want?”
“What are you talking about? Of course you’re a person.” I rub my hand over my face. “You’re my best friend.”
“Are you sure about that?” she snaps.
“I’m way too buzzed for this.” I rub my eyes and yawn. “Can we talk about it in the morning?”
“Whatever.”
“Okay, good,” I sigh, hoping we can put this behind us and go back to drunk-watching fireworks.
“You are so dense, Elouise Parker,” she says
, and there are tears in her eyes . . . and okay, hang on a second. What am I missing?
Another round of fireworks makes me jump as it crackles across the sky. I reach my arm out toward her, but she jerks away.
She hugs her arms tight across her chest. “This is over.”
“What’s over?” I ask, standing all the way up, because this feels way too important to be lying on the ground for.
“Whatever this was.” She waves her arms between us.
“Everything okay here?” Nick asks suddenly, and I jerk my head toward him. He’s standing a few feet away, with Jessa trailing behind him. They must have followed us when we ran off.
“Peachy,” Seeley sneers as a smiley-face firework explodes into the sky over our heads.
Jessa tilts her head, looking from me to Seeley then back to me again. “What did you do now, Elouise?”
“Oh shut up, Jessa,” Seeley groans.
Jessa’s eyes go wide. “I’m on your side here!”
“No, you’re really not,” Seeley says. “And even if you were, you would be the last person I’d want on it.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Seeley raises her eyebrows. “You know exactly what that means.”
“If everybody could stop yelling and talking fast right now, that would be great,” I plead.
“Screw this,” Seeley yells.
“All right, everybody calm down.” Nick drops his arm around Jessa. “We’ve all been drinking tonight—”
“I didn’t have any,” Jessa says, like that makes her better somehow.
Nick sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose with his free hand. “Okay, we’ve all been drinking tonight, except Jessa.” He drops his hand. “I think it would be best if everybody went back home and slept it off. We can figure everything out in the morning.”
“I’m too drunk to drive,” I say. Also, I’m a horrible person, apparently, based on how Seeley is acting.
“We all are, except—” Nick says, looking at his girlfriend.
Seeley hangs her head back as far as she can and straight up growls, “I’m walking.” She throws her bag over her shoulder and starts marching away. So, naturally, I march right after her.
“Seeley—”
“Stop following me!” she yells, and it’s loud, super loud, the kind of loud that shakes a friendship to its core.
“Can we talk about this?”
“No!” She doesn’t even hesitate, doesn’t even slow down.
I sprint forward and grab onto the edge of her backpack, yanking her back. “Stop!”
She jerks it away with the most furious face I have ever seen. “Get away from me, Elouise!”
“You’re not walking off alone, even if you don’t talk to me!” I yell back, because if she’s being dumb and loud, then fine, I can be too.
Nick comes jogging up, standing between us and holding up his hands. “Okay, listen, nobody is walking around drunk by themselves. Either we all walk together, or we all ride with Jessa.”
“I go where Seeley goes,” I say.
Seeley looks at me and shakes her head. “Screw it,” she says. “Driving will get this over with faster.”
We all sorta turn back to where Jessa is standing. “I hate you guys.” She sighs, pulling out her keys, and then stomps back the way she came. We stand there for a minute, not totally sure if she’s abandoning us or saving us, but then she turns around and flails her arms. “Well, come on, then!” And wow, she sounds totally pissed.
CHAPTER 30
“Will you talk to me, please?” I think I’m being very, very quiet and also very, very convincing, but based on the way Seeley sighs and goes back to staring out the car window, I suspect I am being neither.
We’re crammed into the backseat of Jessa’s tiny car, squished in beside a pile of princess dresses, which, weird, because nobody else takes their costumes home, but whatever. Nick is sitting up front in the passenger seat, frantically flipping through songs, and if he’s looking for something in particular, it doesn’t seem like he’s finding it.
“Why are you so mad at me?” I whisper.
“Probably because you’re a crap girlfriend, Elle,” Jessa says from the front seat. Which I then kick, because come on, a little privacy, please.
Nick shushes her and starts murmuring something I can’t make out, and I go back to staring at Seeley. I reach out and tug her wrist, but she yanks it away and glares at me like I burned her or something.
“Seeley,” I say, but then I drop my head back. There’s no use in finishing. I don’t even know what to say.
Jessa pulls up to my house first, because of course she would want to get rid of me the fastest, but I don’t move.
“Elouise. This is your house,” Jessa says, as if I don’t know that. “Get out.”
“I’m not getting out of this car until Seeley talks to me.” I cross my arms, feeling a little bit proud of myself for coming up with such a clever plan in my current condition.
Seeley stays staring out the window. “Get out of the car, Lou.”
“Lou?” Nick turns toward us, scrunching up his face. “You call her Lou?” He kind of chuckles to himself, and I swear Jessa groans, but I can’t even worry about them right now, because Seeley being this upset is freaking me out.
“Look at me, at least,” I beg. “Please. I don’t get why you’re so pissed.”
Seeley pushes out her lips and nods a few times, like she’s figured something out, and when she turns and looks at me, my stomach sinks right down to my toes. This is bad. This is real bad, the kind of bad that sobers a person up real quick. “I can’t do this with you anymore.”
“Can’t do what?” I choke out, my voice low and quiet.
“Anything. Everything.” And the tears are back in her eyes, and maybe mine too, because everything is a whole lot of things, after all. Everything is everything. It’s too much. My best friend, my Seeley, is looking at me like she hates me right now, and I’m suffocating.
I lean back against the car door, knocked back by the weight of what she said. “I mean, not everything-everything, right? Like you’re still my best friend and—”
“Just go,” she says, turning back to the window.
“No,” I say, but the door is opening behind me, and Jessa is sort of half catching me, half pulling me, as I spill out. She drags me back away from the car, and Nick is getting out and telling her to stop, that he’s got this, but I keep looking back at Seeley, and she keeps staring out the other window and none of this makes sense at all.
None of this makes sense at all.
CHAPTER 31
My head hurts.
My head hurts really bad.
I sit up slowly, untangling my limbs from the blankets and taking inventory of all my sore spots. How did I end up here again?
Oh right.
I reach over to my nightstand and grab my phone. There’s a text from Nick asking if I’m okay, but nothing from Seeley. I start to text Nick back, but that feels a little weird, like I’m going behind Seeley’s back or something. I lean against my pillow, stare up at my Black Widow poster, and try to tease apart this giant knot in my head. The only thing is, Seeley gave me this poster, and we hung it together, so staring at it kind of gives me this awful feeling all over, because what did I do?
I mean, when she said she was done with everything, she couldn’t have really meant everything, right? Like she didn’t mean being best friends, or hanging out all the time, or whatever. There’s no way. What would that even look like?
I kind of want to shoot her a text that says something like “Define everything, please.” But I’m scared that would piss her off even more. I need to come up with something clever, something sweet, something that will make her forgive me right on the spot. I pick up my phone again, totally determined to type
out something so charming and delightful that it will immediately fix everything, make her happy, and/or create world peace, all at the same time, but instead I write:
Me: Can I come over?
I can see that she read it, and that she started to reply, but the little dots disappear just as quickly as they appeared. I’m left staring at this useless hunk of glass and metal in my hand—and what good is it anyway if it can’t get me my best friend back? I stay like this, perfectly still and ridiculously hungover, until my phone vibrates in my hand.
Seeley: I’ll stop by this afternoon. I need to get my stuff anyway.
Me: What stuff???
Seeley: Don’t make this harder, please.
Me: . . . ???
Seeley: I have to go.
I sit up all numb and dumbstruck because what is she doing? I mean, what stuff is she even talking about? After ten years of hanging out on the daily, we don’t really have our own stuff—we just have stuff we share. Where does she think she ends and I begin? How can she even tell?
My walls are literally covered in her drawings, and most of the pens on my desk are those expensive Copic markers she always insists on using, not to mention like half the stuff in my closet is technically hers and half the stuff in hers is technically mine. I wouldn’t even begin to know how to separate it all. I wouldn’t want to. I don’t want to. I won’t.
I roll over to my side, burying my face in the pillow she always uses. I pull it into a hug, but it’s cold and fake and I liked it better when we were lying shoulder to shoulder with our arms barely touching, and better still when we had the most phenomenal kiss of my life. I mean, wow, thanks for holding out on me, Seeley. If I’d known she could kiss like that, I would have been doing that all along with her.
I mean, wait, no. What am I talking about?
My phone buzzes, and I flip it around to check who it is. Please let it be Seeley, please let it be Seeley, please let it be—
It’s not, because of course it isn’t. It’s Nick. The same Nick I have a crush on, I remind myself. The same Nick that I have been scheming and plotting to win over all summer. The same Nick that I booped on the nose last night—I still can’t believe I did that. But that’s beside the point.
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