My Man Sandy

by W. W. Jacobs

  VII.

  SANDY'S MAGIC LANTERN EXHIBITION.

  I was juist gaen oot at the back door on Wednesday nicht last week whenI hears some crackin' gaen on i' the washin'-hoose, an' I lookit in tosee wha was there.

  "Man, that's juist the very dollop," says Sandy, as I lifted the sneck.

  Dauvid Kenawee an' Bandy Wobster an' him were stravagin' roond abootthe place wi' a fitrool an' a bawbee can'le, an' I saw immidintly thatthere was something i' the wind. I was juist clearin' my throat to latthem ken there was to be nae mair o' their conspiracies in mywashin'-hoose, when Dauvid slippit in his wird afore me.

  "Come awa, Bawbie," he saya, says he, in his uswal quiet wey. "We werejuist seein' aboot whuther we micht hae a bit magic lantern exhibitionhere on Setarday nicht. I have a class at the Mission Sabbath Schule,ye see, an' I was genna hae them at a cup o' tea on Setarday, an' Ithocht o' gien them a bit glisk o' the magic lantern. Robbie Boath,the joiner, has a lantern he's genna gie's the len' o', an' Sandy herethinks he can wirk the concern a' richt."

  "I've nae objection to onything o' that kind, whaur gude's genna bedone," says I. "But it's no' nane o' your electric oxey hydropathickind o' bisnesses, is't? I winna lippen Sandy wi' onything o' thatkind, for I tell ye----"

  "Dinna you bather yoursel, Bawbie," brook in Sandy. "This is a parafinlantern; juist as easy wrocht as your washin' machine there."

  "Ay weel, Sandy," says I, "gin ye get on wi' your magic lantern asweel's ye generally manish wi' the washin' machine, when I'm needin' ahand o' ye, I'll swag Dauvid's bairns 'ill no' be lang keepit."

  "Tach, Bawbie, you're aye takin' fowk aff wi' your impidence," saysSandy, gey ill-natured like.

  But Dauvid an' Bandy juist took a bit lauch at him.

  Weel, than, to mak' a lang story short, Setarday nicht cam', and themagic lantern wi't. Dod, but Sandy had a gey efternune o't. He wassteerin' aboot, carryin' in soap boxes for seats to the bairns, an'learnin' up his leed aboot the pictures, an' orderin' aboot Nathan; yenever heard the like! I heard him yatterin' awa' till himsel' i' theback shop, "The great battle o' Waterloo was fochen in echteen fifteenatween the English an' the French, an' Bloocher landit on the scenejuist as Wellinton was gien the order--Tuts, ye stupid blockheid,Nathan, that saft-soap barrel disna gae there--'Up gairds an' atthem.'" He gaed on like this for the feck o' the efternune, an' evenin the middle o' his tea, when I speered if it was het eneuch, helookit at me akinda ravelled like, and says, "Although ye was startin'for that star the day you was born, stride-legs on a cannon ball, yewudna be there till ye was mair than ninety 'ear auld."

  "Wha's speakin' aboot stars?" says I; "I'm speerin' if your tea's heteneuch?"

  "O, ay, yea, I daursay; it's a' richt," says Sandy. "I was mindin'aboot Sirias, the nearest fixed star, ye ken. I winder what it's fixedwi'?"

  Seven o'clock cam' roond, an' Dauvid's bairns gaed throo oor entrylike's they'd startit for Sandy's fixed star. They wudda gane throughthe washin'-hoose door if it hadna happened to be open. I hadforgotten aboot them at the time; but, keep me, when they cam' oot o'Dauvid's efter their tea, I floo to the door. I thocht it was somebodyrun ower.

  Sandy had on his sirtoo an' his lum gin this time, an' he was gaenabout makin' a terriple noise, blawin' his nose in his Sabbath hankie,an' lookin', haud your tongue, juist as big's bull beef. He gaed intothe washin'-hoose to cowshin the laddies, for they were makin' aterriple din.

  "Now, boys an' loons--an' lassies, I mean," says Sandy, "there must betotal nae noise ava, or the magic lantern 'ill no wirk."

  "Hooreh! Time's up!" roared a' the laddies thegither; an' theywhistled, an' kickit wi' their feet till you wudda thocht they wud haenmy gude soap boxes ca'd a' to crockineeshin.

  Dauvid appeared to tak' the whole thing as a maitter o' coorse, an'when I speered if this was juist their uswal, "Tuts ay," says he, "it'sjuist the loons in the exoobrians o' their speerits, d'ye know, d'yesee."

  Thinks I to mysel', thinks I, I wud tak' some o' that exoobrians oot o'them, gin I had a fortnicht o' them. A Sabbath class! It was mairlike a half-timers' fitba' club. But, of coorse, it's no' ilka daythey see a magic lantern.

  Mistress Kenawee, an' Mistress Mollison an' her man, the Gairner, an'the Smith, an' I cudna tell ye hoo mony mair, had gotten wind o't, an'the washin'-hoose was as foo as cud cram. There was a terripleatramush amon' the laddies when the can'le was blawn oot, an' syneSandy strak a spunk an' lichtit his lantern, an', efter a fell lot o'fykin', he got her into order.

  Sandy gae a keckle o' a host, an' syne he says, "Now, boys an' girlsan' people, the first picture I'm genna show you is Danyil in the deno' lions. There he is sae!" an' he shot in the picture.

  It was an awfu' queer-like picture. I cud nether mak' heid nor tailo't. It was a' juist akinda greenichy-yallichy like, like's somebodyhad skelt a pottal o' green-kail or something on the sheet whaur thepicture was.

  "I'm dootin' there's something wrang wi' the fokis," says Bandy Wobster.

  "Juist you look efter your ain fokis, Bandy," says Sandy, gey pepperyweys, "an' lat ither fowk's fokises aleen."

  "Are ye share you're richt wi' the picture?" Dauvid Kenawee speered.

  "There's naething wrang wi' the picture," says Sandy. "Ye see thatkind o' a broon bit doon at the fit there? That's ane o' Danyil'sfeet."

  "Look the number o' the slide, Sandy," said Bandy, "an' mak' shureyou're richt. They're mibby oot o' order."

  "You're oot o' order," said Sandy, as angry as a wasp. "Haud that lumhat, Bawbie!" he says; an' he oot wi' the picture, an' roarsoot--"Number 2217! Look up 2217, Nathan, i' the book there, an' seewhat it says."

  Efter kirnin' aboot amon' the leaves o' his book for a meenit or twa,Nathan got up his nose to the moo o' the lantern an' read oot--"A sliceo' a drunkard's liver."

  "What d'ye say?" says Sandy. "Lat's see't."

  "A slice o' a drunkard's liver," says Nathan again.

  Sandy grippit the book, an' efter a meenit, he says, "Ay, man; soyou're richt. There's been some mixin' amon' the pictures. This is aslice or section o' a drunkard's liver," he continued, "showin' theeffeks o' alcohol."

  The laddies hurraed the drunkard's liver like onything, an' this gaeSandy time to get his breath, an' to dicht the sweit aff his face.

  "That's the kind o' a liver ye'll get if you're drunkards," said Sandy."The action o' the alcohol dejinerates the tishie until the liverbecomes akwilly ransed, an' the neebriate becomes a total wreck." Atthis the laddies an' lassies clappit their hands like a' that.

  "See that ye never get a drunkard's liver," said Sandy in a solemnvoice; an' ane o' Dauvid's laddies says, "By golly, I wudna like asowser o' a liver like that, onywey," an' set a' the rest a-lauchin'.

  "Attention!" shouted Dauvid till his class; an' Bandy Wobster--wha wasbusy glowerin' at the drunkard's liver, an' windrin' what like his ainwas, nae doot--strak in, without kennin', wi' "Shoulder arms!" an' theladdies roared an' leuch till you wud actually thocht they wuddawranged themsel's. Gin they stoppit, Sandy had fa'in' in wi' Danyil,an' there he was, glowerin' at's a', life-size, an' twenty lionswirrin' a' roond aboot him.

  Sandy tell'd the story aboot Danyil, an' hoo he was flung in amon' thelions for no' bein' a vegabon'; an' faigs, mind ye. Sandy got onwinderfu'. The laddies paid fine attention, an' ye cudda heard a preenfa'in' when Sandy was speakin'.

  "There's no' nae lions' dens nooadays, ye see," say Sandy, to feenishup wi'. "What is't they do wi' creeminals or notorious fowk noo?"

  "Pet them on for Toon Cooncillers," said ane o' the biggest o' Dauvid'sladdies; an' Bandy Wobster lut oot a great ballach o' a lauch, an'roared at the pitch o' his voice--"Confoond it! Feech! I've swalloweda bit tobacco!"

  Then there were pictures o' Joseph an' Moses, an' a great lot mairBible characters, the loons roarin' oot the names generally afore thepictures were half in sicht. They were roid loons, an' nae mistak',but I can tell ye they had the Bible at their finger nebs. Dauvid wasas prood's Loocifer aboot
the laddies answerin' so smert; but Sandyhardly liked it.

  They had a' the Bible stories as dare's dare cud be, an' whenever onypicture appeared they had a' the story roared to ane anither aforeSandy got his fokis putten into order. Bible knowledge is a grandthing, nae doot; but the laddies fair took Sandy's job ower his heid;an' he hardly liked it, as ye'll readily understan'.

  But the local characters gae Sandy a better chance, an', I ashure you,he took full advantage o't. He gae a lang laberlethan aboot some o'the pictures--keep me, if he'd carried on like yon at ilky picture, hewudna been dune when the forenune bells wudda been ringin' for the kirknext day.

  "I have noo some kapital pictures o' auld Arbroathians to show you,"said Sandy to the bairns "the reg'lar rale Reed Lichties. An' I howpthe laddies here 'ill tak' a lesson frae them, an' stick in an' gettheir pictures in magic lanterns efter they're deid too, an' get greatbig mossyleeums--that's thae great muckle sowsers o' gravesteens, juistlike mill stalks, ye ken--oot in the Warddykes Cemetery, wi' theirnames chiseled on them in gold letters."

  The loons riffed an' clappit their hands at this like's they were a'wishin' they were deid an' buried ablo a big gravesteen.

  Efter a lot o' palaver, Sandy shot in his first local picture.

  "This is Provost---- What was his name again? Be was wint to be agreat lad at---- Man, what's his name again, Bandy?" says he.

  "I dinna ken, Sandy," said Bandy; "but it strik's me you have him intothe lantern upside doon. He's stanin' on his heid."

  "He was a gey upside-doon character, at ony rate," said the Smith. "Hewas juist aboot as muckle use the tae wey as the tither."

  Sandy got his Provost putten richt; but some o' the rest o' hisnotables were juist as pranky. They cam' in backside-foremost,upside-doon, lying alang the floor--ye never saw the like--until Sandywas near-hand at the swearin'. "Confoond thae Provosts and Bailies,"says he, "I never saw sic a set."

  "Ow, ow, Sandy," says I, "ye needna get angry at thae bodies; they'rea' deid."

  "Ay weel, we'll hae a whup at some o' the livin' anes," says Sandy."Gie me up some o' thae slides in the green box," he cries to Nathan."Whaur hae ye putten the Provosts an' the Bailies?"

  "I have them a' in my breeks' pooch," says Nathan. "They're a' richt."

  "An' whaur's the drunkard's liver?"

  "O, I laid it on the boiler-heid, alang wi' Danyil an' some mair."

  "See an' no' be mixin' them than," said Sandy, shovin' in anotherslide. "This, as you'll easily recognise, is Bailie Thingymabob."

  The laddies gae the Bailie a roond o' applause, an' Bandy Wobster says,"Man, but he's awfu' indistink, Sandy. Ye can hardly mak' him oot."

  "That's no' to be windered at," says Sandy. "I never fell in wi'onybody that cud mak' him oot. Ye canna expeck a magic lantern to dowhat ye canna do yersel'. It'll be a bad job for the Bailie, I cantell you, when fowk begin to mak' him oot. The next picture isCooncillor Spinaway."

  "Ay, I'll go doon the yaird an' hae a reek," says Bandy, gettin up fraehis seat, an' settin' a' the loons a-lauchin'.

  "Ye needna gae awa' i' the noo," says Dauvid. "Wait till you see therest o' the pictures."

  "Dinna mistak' yersel'," says Bandy in laich, "when that cove's gottenon his feet he'll no' sit doon for half an 'oor. I never saw him getup yet but he gae a'body mair than their sairin' o' sooage, an'main-drains, an' gas-warks, an' so on afore he feenisht. Wait till yousee."

  "Haud your haiverin' tongue," said Sandy. "Bliss your heart, he's inthe magic lantern. He canna speak there."

  "I daursay you're richt," says Bandy, clawin' his heid. "Weel, theProvost shud juist keep a magic lantern handy, an' gar him bide in't.That wud keep him quiet at the meetin's."

  "We'll lat ye see a picture o' the whole Toon Cooncil, noo," saidSandy; an' in cam' the picture. "There's been some mair mixin' again,"said Sandy, gey kankered like. "That's shurely no' the Toon Cooncil.What's number echteen, Nathan?"

  "The pleg o' locusts in Egypt," says Nathan.

  "Hoo's that gotten in there, ava?" says Sandy.

  "O, they'd juist putten't amon' the ither plegs," brook in BandyWobster.

  "Here's a very interestin' slide," says Sandy, as he put in the nextpicture. "This is a picture o' the deputation that waited on some o'the members o' the Toon Cooncil at lest election an' priggit wi' themto bide in, altho' they were awfu' anxious to hae dune wi't."

  "That's like a picture o' a bunghole withoot a barrel roond it," saidane o' Dauvid's laddies.

  "There's naebody there, Sandy," said Bandy Wobster.

  "Ay, but that's the deputation tho'," said Sandy. "They're mibbyinveesible, but that's them for a' that. The name's on the picture.You can look yersel', if you dinna believe me."

  "Ay, Pepper's Ghost!" roars oot the Smith. "He waits on lots o' fowkaboot election times. He's juist a perfeck scunner, nominatin' fowkagainst their will, an' draggin' them into publicity when they wud farraither be kickin' up some ither kind o' a row."

  He's an awfu' haiverin' body the Smith sometimes. When he's sensible,he's juist akinda ridic'lously sensible; an' when he's' no', he's juistas far the ither wey.

  "Deputations is aye anonimous," says Sandy. "They aye turn up wi' anomdy plum. It's juist the men's modesty that keeps them oot o' sicht.They pey a' their veesits throo the nicht, an' fient a cratur kenseechie or ochie aboot them. Man, I like modesty. I've a great respeckfor a deputation that keeps oot o' sicht."

  "C'wa wi' some mair pictures," roared some o' the laddies, an' Sandy'sgrand perrygrinashin ended a' o' a sudden.

  "The next picture is a very interestin' ane," said Sandy, efter he'dgotten a breath. "This is ane o' the famous meal mobs. You see thecrood o' men, sae, they're a' roarin' thegither. There's neen o' youloons 'ill mind o' the meal mobs," said Sandy, "but I mind o' themfine. A gey toon it was i' thae days. You'll notice the auldToon-Clark i' the middle there, wi' his hands up, threatenin' to sendfor the pileece, an' a' the crood yalpin' at him like as mony dogs. Ican tell you loons, ye may thank your stars that you wasna born whenwey-o'-doin's like that was carried on i' the toon. You dinna kennaethin' aboot it. There's been naethin' like it i' the toon o'Arbroath sin'----"

  "Hold on, Sandy," roared Nathan; "that's the wrang picture you have inagain; here's the meal mob here. Look an' see what's on that ane."

  "A Presbitree Meetin'!" read oot Sandy; an' you wudda thocht the Smithan' Bandy Wobster were genna ding doon the hoose wi' their noise an'roarin' an' lauchin'.

  "I thocht they were gey black-lookin' gentry for a meal mob," says theSmith; an' Bandy nodded his heid an' leuch, an' says, "Man, Sandy's aperfeck genius as fac's ocht, I hinna heard onything like him."

  I hinna time to tell you aboot a' the rest o' the exhibition. It was atreat in mair weys than ane. Sandy lut's see a lot o' notables likeMester Gladstone, an' Blind Hewie, an' Steeple Jeck, an' the Prince o'Wales, an' Burke an' Hair, an' the Jook o' Argile, an' Dykin Elshinder.But the crooner o' them a' cam' when Sandy says--"Noo, here'sSnakimupo, the famous king o' the Cannibal Islands, an' his favouritesquaw, that eats missionaries, an' Bibles, an' poopits whenever theycan get a haud o' them"--an' in he shot--wha d'ye think? Juist Sandyan' me oorsels, life-size--ay, an' bigger!

  "O, golly midgins!" says ane o' Dauvid's lassies, wi' her hands up, an'her moo an' her een wide open.

  You never heard sic a riffin' as there was, the laddies a' roarin' "TheKing o' the Cannibal Islands," an' Sandy wirrin' like a perfeck terrier.

  "That's some o' Robbie Boath's wark," he says in laich till himsel',wi' an awfu' girn on his face. "He gae me that picture special, antell'd me the name o't, an' said to feenish wi't. But gin he disna geta stane o' diseased pitatties frae me the morn that'll mak' him onweelfor a i'ortnicht, my name's no Si Bowden." Syne he added heich oot,"Noo, loons and lassockies, that's a'. It's aboot time you wastoddlin' awa' hame noo; an' I howp you've a' enjoyed it."

  Dauvid proposed a vote o' thanks to Sandy; an' you wudda thocht a' theste
am-engines atween this an' Glesca had gotten into oor washin'-hoose,wi' their whistles on full-cock. The noise was something terriple. Ihad to pet my fingers in my lugs, an' rin.