“I loved you and walking away from you felt like a bunch of swords stabbing my heart,” I continue, watching her eyes as they fill with tears and she takes in the tattoo on my chest.
“Please,” she whispers.
“I love you but, my love is cursed. I am cursed,” I tell her.
“Linc, please,” she begs.
“I loved you but, my love would’ve killed you.”
Her eyes finally meet mine and the tears she was trying to keep at bay, fall freely down her cheeks. There isn’t a lick of sadness to be found on her pretty features though and all that radiates from her is unbridled anger.
“I don’t want to hear this,” she shrieks.
“You need to hear it,” I argue.
“I don’t need anything from you,” she shouts. “Not now, not anymore. You want to tell me that your heart felt as if it was being stabbed, well, I’m sorry but, mine was ripped out of my chest so I don’t feel bad for you,” she sneers.
Behind the closed door, I hear footsteps creak against the wooden floor. Wolf says something but, I’m too focused on Kelly to give a fuck about anything he’s got to say.
“I spent four years of my life believing a fucking lie. Four years thinking you loved me as much as I loved you and now, I finally get it. It’s taken me two years but, I finally understand you couldn’t love me because you never stopped loving Savannah. Now, maybe you’re lonely and maybe I’m familiar but, you can’t take back what you’ve done. You can’t pretend to love me because I’m standing in front of you again.”
“You’ve got it all wrong.”
“I’m not that girl anymore,” she interjects. “I’m okay with being alone. I might not be happy with how my life has turned out and I may not know whether I’m coming or going but, the days of me needing someone else to validate me are done. Do you hear me? I don’t need you. I don’t need your love. I don’t want it.”
“I hear you,” I rasp. “But, I can’t go on letting you believe I never gave a fuck. The truth is, I did love Savannah but, that love didn’t hold a candle to what I felt for you. What was it you said, what you thought was great in your teens isn’t that spectacular in your twenties—well, for me I didn’t know spectacular until, I knew you. Until, I spent every day loving you and when you find spectacular, you’ll do anything to keep it. Until, you realize you’re not good enough. Not fucking worthy enough. Then, you destroy it because that’s all you’re good at. Destruction and death are what I’m destined for and being my girl, that made you destined for the same. It was either destroy you or watch you die and I couldn’t watch you end up like Savannah. Christ, Kelly, I couldn’t watch you end up like Shady’s girl. That could’ve been you.”
“Yes,” she agrees, nodding her head. “Before you ever showed your face and long after you walked out. It could’ve been me numerous times. I lived in that clubhouse for years. That ambush wasn’t the first I survived, and that funeral was one of many that I attended.”
“So, you were part of the life—”
“I am the fucking life,” she fires back. “I’ve spent more years being on the inside of a clubhouse than you have spent wearing that patch. I’m the one who taught you the ins and outs of the club. I gave you an education on that life.”
“Kelly—”
“If what you say is true, if you were scared of losing me then you should’ve come to me. You should’ve told me!”
“It wouldn’t have mattered. You would’ve kept on loving me because it’s what you do best,” I holler back.
“You’re right I would’ve kept loving you because at the end of the day it would’ve been my choice and all I ever wanted was you. Always and forever, I wanted you. I knew what you stood for, I understood the risks better than you and still, I would’ve chosen you but, you didn’t respect me enough to give me a choice. You made the decision for the both of us and like a pussy, you didn’t even say goodbye.”
“I thought I was doing right by you. I knew a year after I got that patch, I wasn’t good enough for you. I told myself I needed to let you go then but, I was too selfish and just kept falling deeper. Deeper in love with you and deeper into the club. A man doesn’t get Heaven and Hell, he gets one or the other. I thought you’d realize it, that you’d see what kind of monster I was becoming. I was fucking banking on you being the one who walked away because I knew I couldn’t. When you didn’t cut me loose, when you gave me all your dreams and I promised to make them come true I knew for certain you’d never let me go. I could voice all my concerns, confess all my sins and you would still love me. You’d tell me you belong to me and all you want is to be by my side. You’d make me believe I was enough and in turn, I’d lie to myself. I kept that five-year plan in the back of my head and told myself I would change before we got to that point. I’d escape this life somehow and someway we’d make it work. We’d move out of the clubhouse, I’d put a ring on your finger, get that pink dog you wanted and put a baby inside of you. I wanted all of that. God, I wanted it more than anything.”
A whimper escapes her lips and I watch as she raises her hand to cover her mouth. The tears fall fast and hard down her cheeks and all I want to do is take her in my arms. I want to promise her more and give her everything.
“It didn’t matter we were young, we were real,” I say hoarsely. “We were fucking spectacular, and that’s the only truth worth knowing. That’s why Sin told you all those lies. I asked him to make you hate me because I thought if you stopped loving me then you’d finally be free.”
“It wasn’t up to you to decide,” she affirms. “I’m a strong girl, I make my own decisions. I never played the damsel in distress because I never needed someone to save me. If this life has taught me anything, it’s taught me how to survive. When you first came to North Carolina, I told you to live.”
“And, you taught me how to live.”
She nods.
“Life is short for everyone, Linc,” she rasps. “All we can do is make the most out of every moment and find that sliver of happiness that makes it all worth it. You were my sliver of happiness and now, you’re the tragic chord.”
She wipes her face one last time before drawing in a deep breath and turning for the door.
“My life is a mess,” I blurt.
Like my mother looked for a feeble attempt to keep me with her, I do the same with Kelly. It works for me and her hand freezes on the door knob.
“The danger surrounding me now doesn’t compare to any I’ve known before. In the next couple of weeks, I will sign my soul over to the Devil himself.”
Turning to face me, she swallows.
“Why are you telling me this?”
“Right or wrong, I still love you,” I say, keeping my eyes steadily on hers. “I just want you to know that.”
“We’re always going to be broken and lonely, aren’t we?” she whispers.
I want to tell her no that one day we’ll get it right. I’ll step up and be the man she needs. The funny thing about that is, all she needs is a man that loves unconditionally and that’s all I’ve ever been.
“I hope not,” I reply honestly.
Because a man who can’t dream can still hope.
And he can love.
He can love her with all he’s got even if she’s not his to love anymore.
-Twenty-eight-
LINC
As Stryker pulls into Pipe’s garage, my eyes focus on the bikes lining the front of the building. All shiny and new, they’re fucking beautiful. The sight of them alone makes me wish to feel the power between my legs and the wind at my back.
You’re almost there.
What seemed impossible three weeks ago, is starting to look more feasible with every passing week. Physical therapy is a slow process and most days I want to throw in the towel but, I push through. Every session is more grueling than the last and I leave full of aches and pains. I’m still in the chair mostly but now I can balance most of my weight on my good leg. I compensate by using a wa
lker and that allows me to place half my weight on my bad leg. My days of needing someone to help me get to and from my chair or my bed are over.
If I keep at this pace and continue with the swim therapy too, my therapist says I should be walking with a cane in three to four weeks. I’m hoping it won’t be long after until I can straddle my new wheels. Most of our bikes were blown to bits after the bomb and Jack purchased a fleet of Harleys for everyone including me. Mine has been parked here at the garage since the day they left the dealership, waiting for me to break her in and I’m counting down the days until I can take her for a ride.
Turning the car off, Stryker turns to me.
“This is your first time at church since everything, ain’t it?” he questions as I keep my eyes trained out the window.
“Yeah, guess I’m not exempt anymore,” I reply, turning to him. “Either that or Rocco’s ready to make our move.”
I was at therapy when Jack called Stryker and told him we all needed to meet at the garage for church in an hour. Normally, if I’m at therapy and the club needs to meet, me and whoever is my chaperone that day get a pass. Of course, we’re always brought up to speed later that day but today Jack told Stryker I needed to be present. Therapy was cut short and now here we are.
As eager as I am to get back into the swing of things, I’m dreading this meeting. I think everyone is in a way. The closer we get to Yankovich, the sooner our stand-off with the bastard will be and I’m not sure any of us are confident we’re going to survive. Three weeks ago, I didn’t give a fuck if I died. Hell, I was conjuring ways to take my own life. I offered to be the sacrificial lamb in all this bullshit if that don’t tell you I was at the end of my rope, nothing will.
Things changed. I don’t want to die no more. Make no mistake about it, if it comes down to it, I am prepared to lay it all down for my club. That oath I took still holds merit but, I’m kind of hoping we win this thing and not for the obvious reasons.
I want to make things right between me and Kelly. I want to erase all those doubts Sin planted in her head and make her fall back in love with me. I want to cause trouble and wreak havoc with her. I want to love her. I want to work at checking off everything listed on her five-year plan but, I won’t fucking open that can of worms until Yankovich is put down like the animal he is.
After I told the truth, things continued to be strained between us. While she didn’t go out of her way to avoid me, she simply kept to herself. There was no animosity, there was nothing. It was as if everything I said went in one ear and out the other. To my surprise, Wolf didn’t get involved either.
I know he heard everything we said to one another but, he didn’t call me out on it. Whether he said anything to Kelly, I don’t know. He’s still acting shady as all hell and the secret of Cain still hangs over us. More than anything, I want everything to go back to normal. The problem with that is, I’m not really sure what normal is anymore.
“I guess we can’t hide out in here forever,” Stryker mutters, still gripping the steering wheel.
“You ever regret it?” I ask.
“The club?”
I nod.
“I don’t know if regret is the right word,” he admits. “I just don’t know what it is we’re doing anymore. I look at Jack, Wolf, and Blackie—even Riggs and they still got love for this club. How can they love something that brings so much chaos into their lives? I think we missed the good years of this place. A time when being a Knight was a respectable thing to be. When you were a criminal but also a local hero. They’re still hanging onto the memory of what it was and not accepting what it’s become.”
“Maybe,” I say.
“Let me go get the chair or do you want to give the walker a shot?”
Turning my attention out the window, I span the distance between the car and the garage and debate if I’ll make it. That’s when I spot her. Her blonde hair is pushed off her face and piled high on top of her head. Wearing a pair of jeans and a Satan’s Knights hooded sweatshirt, she rolls a tire across the pavement.
“Linc?” Stryker calls, interrupting my trance.
“Get the chair,” I mutter, keeping my eyes on her. As Stryker rounds the back of the truck and retrieves my chair, I watch Kelly twist the lug nuts off the busted tire she’s looking to swap with the new one she rolled across the lot. Opening my door, I struggle to get out of the truck and the moment my feet touch down on the ground, a sharp pain shoots up my bad leg. Grinding my teeth, I bend my knee and transfer most my weight onto the good leg. Hoping toward the chair, I grab the arms and lower myself.
“Go in, I’ll be right there,” I tell Stryker, not bothering to look at him. Ditching him without explanation, I roll myself toward Kelly. I don’t know if she hears me coming or if she simply feels me drawing near, the same way I seem to always feel her. Crouching next to the tire, she glances over her shoulder at me.
“Hey,” she says. Placing the wrench on the ground she wipes her greasy hands over her thighs and stands.
“You’re working here?” I question, pushing the brake on the chair.
Spinning around, she shrugs her shoulders and meets my gaze.
“Turns out dogs hate me,” she replies.
Cocking my head to the side, I offer her my smile.
“I don’t know if I believe that,” I tease, tearing my eyes away from her, scanning the inside of the garage, my gaze meets Wolf’s before he looks at Kelly. Shaking his head, he turns his attention to the door as the club files in.
“So, does this mean you’ve decided to stay?” I question, drawing my eyes back to Kelly. Gnawing on her bottom lip, she crosses her arms against her chest.
“For now,” she replies with a nod. “Linc—”
“I’ve gotta go,” I interrupt, jutting my thumb over my shoulder to where the guys are crowding around the table. I’m not in the mood to hear all the reasons we should stay away from one another or have her tell me why she’s only planning on sticking around temporarily. I want to keep thinking a small part of her can’t let me go. That maybe she is even wondering if we can make things right between us.
“Right,” she says, dropping her hands to her sides.
“I’ll see you at home,” I add, reaching for my wheels. “And, you can explain why you didn’t come to me for the job.”
Knowing she’d rather ask Wolf than me after I’m the one who suggested it, burns my ass. It also makes me realize gaining Kelly’s trust isn’t going to be easy. I’ve tainted us and sliding back into old habits ain’t going to be as easy as I figured it would. Those walls around her have been reinforced, and it’s going to take a fucking bulldozer to smash them down.
“I think you know the answer to that,” she whispers. “Besides, I haven’t seen you much.”
“You know where I am, Kelly,” I argue. “Just like my door was always open then, it’s open now and I’ve been laying in that bed every night, staring at the door wishing it will open and you’ll come to me.”
“What do you want from me, Linc?”
Everything.
“For starters, you can acknowledge the truth I gave you.”
“And, after that? What happens then?”
Fuck if I know.
“Linc!” Blackie shouts, causing me to glance over my shoulder again.
“Shit,” I hiss. It’s hard not to wonder if I’ll always feel torn between her and the club. There’s always one thing standing in the way and it’s always fucking Satan. “I’ve gotta go,” I say, meeting her gaze. “We’re not done, Kelly.”
Sighing, she tilts her head to the side and juts her chin toward the group of men shooting daggers at my back.
“You better go,” she says softly. “The guy with the long hair looks like he’s going to kill you.”
Fucking Blackie.
I let myself stare at her for another moment, taking in the smudge of grease just beneath her eye, before turning my chair and rolling deeper into the garage, toward Jack’s beloved table.
Stryker, Deuce, and Cobra spent days searching for it after the bomb. When they pulled it from the ruins, the legs were mangled and the edges of it were splintered. But, the hand-carved reaper remained intact. As per Blackie’s orders, they sanded it down and nailed it to four new legs. If you ask me it’s a little ironic that both my father’s table and his son needed their legs repaired but, that’s probably me just reaching for a connection to Cain.
Something I’m going to have to stop doing if I ever want to make things right between me and Kelly. Something, I’m going to have to make peace with if I ever want to move on with my life period.
“Nice of you to join us,” Wolf grunts as I roll my wheels to the open spot waiting for me around the table. Ignoring his dig, I glance around, taking in all the faces. My eyes linger on Deuce and the sling around his arm.
“How’s the shoulder, man?” I ask, pointing to where he was shot.
“It’s healing or at least that’s what my hot nurse says,” he replies, elbowing Cobra with his good arm. “I think Wolf will agree, Celeste is mighty fine,” he taunts, wiggling his eyebrows
“Bad enough I gotta swallow you being the guy my sister loves. Now you want to take a shot at my woman?”
“Dude, I fucking saved your life. I took a bullet for you,” Deuce points out. “If that ain’t love, I don’t know what it is. I’m just busting your balls. Hot nurse or not, I only got eyes for one girl.”
“Wonderful,” Jack hisses, lifting a silver meat mallet in his hand. “Now, that we’ve established your dick is a one-woman rodeo can we get down to business?” he questions, bringing the mallet down to the wood.
“What’s with the meat mallet?” I ask, glancing around the table.
“It was our present to Blackie but we’re letting Jack use it for the time being,” Deuce supplies, pointing to Blackie. “I got you, man,” he tells him.
“Is he on medication?” Blackie asks Cobra.
“I’m not sure what he’s on,” Cobra mutters, turning his attention back to me. “We couldn’t find the gavel and none of us are tight enough with a judge to go borrow one,” he points to the mallet. “It does the job.”
The Nomad Series-Collectors Edition Page 118
