by Kate Swain
“Should know better than to interfere in a young woman’s business,” she finished sharply. “Adam Barnes should recognize that you aren’t a kid.”
“I know,” I said sadly. I didn’t want her to be mad with Adam. Not when she liked him and he liked her so much already. “But Adam is Mark’s best friend. If I split up their friendship…”
“If they split you up, they should feel shame,” she said harshly. “Listen, girl. And listen well. There is little enough love in this world as it is, without throwing real love away for some men’s egos.”
“You think it is?” I faltered. “Real love, I mean?”
She nodded. Her eyes were steady, holding mine. “Maddy, you know what you feel for Mark. And what he feels for you. Tell me it’s not worth rocking the boat, just a bit?”
“Maybe,” I murmured. “But, it isn’t just about friendship, or ego. It’s Adam’s work colleagues and maybe even his job.” That was the bit that, if I was being honest, worried me most. I didn’t want to jeopardize Adam’s job. Not when it had taken him years of dedication and training to get there. It wasn’t fair.
“You know what?” Becca said crossly. “If they value him so much, they’ll be happy for him. Besides, if you’re going out with Mark, it makes ties even stronger, not weaker.” She frowned at me, as if that ought to seem obvious to me. I wished it could be so easy, but I feared that Adam would be pushed even further away from Mark if he knew about us.
“He doesn’t think Mark is good enough for me,” I said sadly.
“Well, then it’s about time he found out,” Becca shot back.
I giggled. “You think so?”
“I know so.”
I felt more at ease and I leaned back in my chair, smiling up at my friend. For the first time, I received the best kind of encouragement on this matter from somebody.
“Well, then,” she said. “Should we sign this lease?”
I nodded eagerly. “Yeah,” I said, swallowing hard. “Let’s.”
Once the lease was signed, I felt better. I considered sending the photo of the lease I’d taken to Mark. That would be a nice, easy way of connecting without risking the appearance of being clingy.
As I was about to send it, thoughts of Adam filled my mind and I reluctantly texted it to him instead. At least, I thought sadly, he might tell Mark. And then he’d know. I drove home, feeling a strange mix of elation and sadness in my heart. I didn’t know what to do or say, and there wasn’t really much I could do except wait until tomorrow. Maybe I would be able to stop by the shop or something. I really wanted to see Mark again and soon.
I was sitting in my room when I got a call from Becca.
“Hey, girl!” she greeted happily. “Want to come over for dinner?”
I swallowed hard. “I don’t know,” I said carefully. “I mean, I’d love to. But I should find out from Adam if he has plans first.” It wouldn’t be very kind of me if I went out and he expected that we would have dinner together.
“Okay, great!” Becca replied. “And I’m so glad you’re taking the place! It’s great.”
“I think so, too,” I said softly. I wanted to tell her about my progress with the advertising, but I decided to hold off for a bit. I could tell her tonight. Maybe I’d have made even more progress.
“Well, as soon as you know, let me know. We can watch a film, or something. Or we can just chat.”
“Thanks, Becca,” I said. “That’d be nice.”
After she’d ended the call, I leaned back on the bed, closing my eyes. I should feel happy—I am making progress on the dance studio and I met a great guy. At the same time, there was a wistful feeling that clung to my heart. I couldn’t shake it. I wished I could reach out and contact Mark, but I still didn’t know what to think, or if I could trust him.
Maybe I would cheer up if I visited Becca. It could be just what I needed to forget about Mark since I was fairly sure he wasn’t thinking about me.
14
Mark
“Mark, what is that?”
I looked up from my work, seeing Carter’s worried stare. I then looked down at what I was doing. I was mixing paint.
“Oh, shit,” I swore. I was supposed to be mixing in blue tint, but the tint I had in my hand was black. I’d just ruined a gallon of gray paint.
“Exactly,” Carter said, seeing the moment when I realized what I did. “Mark, you need to talk to somebody about this.”
I shook my head, blinking my weary eyes. It was Thursday, and I hadn’t been able to work right all week. I was waiting to hear from Maddy. I couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened when we went to the new studio.
“I don’t need to talk to anyone,” I said tiredly. “I’m fine.”
“No,” my brother said lightly. “You aren’t. You’ve been messing up all week. I have some spare time. Come on to my office. Let’s talk.”
I sighed. Looking down at the bucket of paint. I nodded and followed him into the office.
“Now,” Carter said gently, as I took a seat on the chair in front of his desk. “Maybe you can tell me what the heck has gotten into you this week? There’s something bothering you. If it’s money issues…” he reached for the checkbook and I held up a hand.
“It’s not that,” I said tightly. “I’m fine.”
He nodded. His eyes, bluer and darker than mine and Matt’s, shot me another look of concern. “I thought so,” he said gently. “You’re always great with money. So, what’s up?”
“Nothing,” I murmured.
I didn’t want to talk to anyone about what had happened. I couldn’t understand what I was supposed to do next. I had never felt as strongly as I felt about Maddy in my life. I desperately wanted to talk with her and see her. And to hold her again.
But I didn’t have her number, and, even if I had today, so many days have passed that I felt less and less ready to face her. I felt shame for not reconnecting with her and every day more and more shame piled up on the shame I already felt.
She doesn’t want me. Or she would have texted me this week.
More than anything, I was frightened that she was disappointed in me. That, somehow, I had proved myself unworthy of her. It wasn’t hard to imagine that I wasn’t worthy. Adam was a reminder, daily, that I was lacking and unsuitable for his sister.
“Mark…are you there?”
“Yes, okay, fine,” I snapped. “I’ve been out of it. You can damn well go lightly on me just this once. I work hard, you know. Every bit as hard as everyone else here. You know that.”
Carter frowned at me. He looked upset and a bit confused as well. “Mark,” he said gently. “This is not a trial. You’re not in here because I want to know why you’re not working properly. I’m your brother, and I care about you Mark.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t,” I murmured.
“Mark,” Carter said, his voice with just a note of impatience now, chiding me. “I care about you and I always will. I can’t help it.”
“I know,” I muttered. I couldn’t deny that he cared for me. He had struggled admirably to raise us, Matt and I, after our mom and dad died when we were eleven. Carter had always provided for us and guided us. He even took a job in the army to support us. I knew that Adam had been in a similar role in Maddy’s life, but it was different. Carter had never tried to stop us from doing what we thought best in our lives.
“So,” Carter said gently. “When you’re walking around like a zombie, using the wrong tools, and ruining paint, please forgive me for worrying.”
I had to grin. “I’m not that bad.”
“Trust me.”
We both laughed. I felt the pain in my heart ease slightly. I looked into my brother’s eyes.
“Carter… I had sex with Maddy.”
“Oh.”
I had expected anger or at least shock, but I was disappointed. Just more concerned looks from Carter. I frowned.
“What is it?” I asked gruffly. If anybody was going to lecture me, I hadn’t
thought it would be him. Damn it. If anybody should understand me, it should be him. I had supported him when he was struggling with his feelings and actions with Amelia.
“Adam will be a problem.”
“Is that all you care about?” I challenged his statement. “That there might be conflict in your workforce? Bullshit, then, that you care about me. You don’t care.”
“Mark…” My brother shut his eyes a moment. His face was stiff. I wanted to break something. How dare he sit there, like a politician at a senate-meeting when I was suffering?
“I don’t need to sit here,” I said, pushing my chair back. “I don’t need to listen to you telling me what an asshole I am, how selfish I am. Damn it, I already know!” I stood up, expecting him to stay where he was. He coughed.
“Mark,” he said gently. “Please, come back. We’re not finished.”
“We’re not?” I challenged. I was mad, more so than I’d ever been. Carter was an amazing friend, a great brother. And he was wise and often right about things. But he did sometimes think that he had the right to tell us what to do. I wasn’t in the mood for that right now.
“Mark, sit down. I know you think I’m judging you. But I am not.”
“Yeah, right.”
He looked into my eyes and I saw in his face traces of a smile. It cooled some of my anger seeing that. He nodded.
“Mark, I know how mad you are at me. And maybe I even deserve it. I saw that something was up on Monday, but I said nothing. I should have asked then.”
“You didn’t.” I said, feeling glad that he hadn’t. On Monday, I at least had the slightest chance that Maddy would forgive me and text. But now, I knew she had forgotten me. Or she thought, like everybody else, that I was a playboy, shallow and superficial, wanting only gratification. I would have cried.
“Mark,” Carter said gently. “I’m older than you. I know feelings when I see them. And I can see how you feel.”
“Really?” I felt my own eyes get wider at the statement. “You know?”
He chuckled. “You only have to look at you to know something really profound happened.”
He did understand. He laughed gently.
“Mark, I know you. Pretty well, if I may say so myself. I know also how deeply you feel even if you do your best to conceal it from everybody, including yourself.”
“Yeah.” He was right. What else could I say? I was moved and really touched. I had no idea that Carter understood me so well. Even Matt seemed to dismiss my feelings sometimes by assuming that I was indeed shallow. Carter had seen me more clearly than I saw myself.
“You have fallen for Maddy. Right?”
I nodded, too full of emotions to speak. I didn’t even know how to put what I felt into words. I didn’t understand it myself. Was it love? I realized with some shock that I had no idea.
In my whole life, I had always shied away from feeling real emotions. It was my way of coping with the pain of my parents death. That, and drinking quite heavily four years later, allowed me to further dull my pain.
Carter had been there throughout that time—not judging, but guiding me carefully away from the more dangerous avenues and into places that brought me real happiness: the shop, motorcycles, and gaining confidence and self-worth as a top-rate mechanic. I had come to love the mechanical world, finding joy in making engines and motorcycles work.
Carter was also there when, almost ten years later, I cried for the first time to mourn my parents. He, and Matt, were my closest friends and the only people who were really there for me.
Then, five years later, I was there for Matt as he wept at Amy’s death. He had lost his girlfriend and the mother of his child. I had never seen someone in so much pain. That had been the moment when I had decided I would never love. The pain was not worth it.
The last four years I had lived in a shell, untouched by feeling. Until Maddy returned.
“Bro, I know how you feel,” Carter said gently. “I want you to take the rest of the week off. Get some rest.”
I stared at him. “Carter,” I said, my voice choked. “I am feeling more deeply than I’ve ever felt about a woman before. And you think some rest will cure me?” I could hear how loudly I shouted, but I couldn’t help it. I was offended. And deeply hurt.
“Mark, please…” Carter said gently and making a gesture that made me even more upset.
“Carter, please. Just don’t. Okay?” I said, hearing how tight and stiff my voice was. “I’ll go away. For a few days. Just don’t. Ever. Do that to me again.”
“Mark,” Carter said, and for the first time I could hear real pain in his voice, real hurt. Part of me was sorry, for upsetting him. Most of me applauded.
Served him right, I thought sadly. He thought I didn’t have the ability to love deeply, and he assumed that a few days off were all I needed to forget Maddy.
“Mark,” Carter said again. “If you need anything. Like somebody to talk to…”
“I don’t want to talk to you right now,” I said harshly, about to walk out. I turned in the doorway. “Sorry. I will take those days off, I think. When I come back, maybe we can talk.”
“Thank you,” Carter said gently.
“Fine,” I muttered.
I was glad he would give me the chance to get out of here. I really needed to get away from Adam. Seeing him every day made everything harder.
I walked out of the office to the showers. I got out of my overalls, then let the hot water run down my body, carrying away some of my angry feelings. I dried off and put my clothes. With the time off that Carter had given me today, I could go anywhere.
I wished I could talk to Matt.
I walked back to the workshop, glancing in through the windows to see if Matt was alone. Adam was working on a bike near the door. I felt my heart harden, seeing him there. Every time I looked at him, a mix of rage and shame washed through me that was enough to make me be sick.
I caught sight of Matthew. He was filling the paint gun, ready to paint our new project. He caught my eye.
“Hey,” he said, coming over. “Are you okay?” He gestured at my clothes. My twin had an ability to sense my moods better than anyone. He knew I didn’t really want to talk. I shrugged.
“Sort of.”
He glanced sideways as if he was aware that Adam’s presence was setting me off. “Well,” he said gently, “If there’s something wrong, you can always call me. And you’re always welcome to come over.”
I smiled. “Connor won’t mind?”
He grinned. “You know that my son loves his uncle probably as much as he loves me.”
I shook my head. “You are selling yourself short,” I said gently to my brother. “You are Connor’s world.”
“Maybe,” he conceded. “But you bring plenty of sunshine to his life, too. Don’t you forget it. See you on Monday?”
“Probably sooner,” I said, feeling a tightness in my throat. As usual, Matt could find the raw edge of my feelings and touch them more than anybody ever could.
“Great. Have fun,” he said, giving me an encouraging grin.
“I’ll do my best,” I promised.
That, I thought, as I was stalking out of the workshop, was exactly what I ought to do. I should stop moping around, go out and have fun. Maybe Carter was right. Maybe I just needed to get some rest, or do something to take my mind off of things.
I swallowed my rage and my pain and drove back to my house.
I spent the rest of the afternoon working out. It made me feel better. At least, it distracted me from my rage. Every time I thought of Maddy, or Carter, I would work out more. I had to get them off my mind or I would lose it.
At six o’clock, Carter called. I drew in a breath unsure what to say.
“Hi, brother,” he said gently. “Listen. I’m sorry for what I said. You want to go out?”
“Now. I am pretty tired and sweaty right now?” I asked. I looked down at myself. I was sweat-soaked. I would need a good shower and a good rest, preferab
ly an hour, before I was ready to do anything.
“No, how about tomorrow,” Carter asked. “I thought maybe we could meet at the bar. The guys. It might be fun and the shop’s closed this Saturday, so…”
“Adam, too?” I shot back.
“Are we inviting him? Maybe,” Carter conceded. “I thought that…”
“You thought that you could make us get along,” I countered, my cheeks flaring with anger. “That if you sat us all down and we have a drink or two, then we’ll be friends. Is that it?” Anger harshened my words.
“Maybe,” Carter allowed. I had to be fair. Carter was honest at least. If somebody called him out on something, he didn’t argue.
“Okay,” I sighed. “Carter, I’d be happy to go out with you and Matt. Just please make sure I don’t see Adam. If he says anything about Maddy, I don’t know what I would say.”
“I see your point. Thanks, Mark. It would be no fun without you.”
“Thank you, Carter,” I said gently. “It’ll be good to see you.”
By six p.m. the next day, I was feeling more balanced. I had ridden out of town and into the hills. I had a great lunch at a restaurant in the next town over and one of my favorite spots. I saw a bunch of guys from the motorcycle group and it was so great to talk with people who were completely unrelated to my current situation.
Now, as I dressed in jeans and a shirt, buttoning it carefully, I felt ready for seeing my brothers.
The bar was crowded when I arrived, even though it was only six-thirty. It was Friday, and there was football on the television. I slipped around a table of raucous, cheering people from the nearby car-dealerships, and sat down opposite Carter. Matt sat beside Carter and they both reached over to shake my hand.
“Hey, Mark,” Carter said warmly. “How’s it?”
“Fine,” I said. I meant it. If I kept my brain neutral, I was fine. And the wine wouldn’t hurt when it came to neutralizing my brain either. There was a bottle on the table. I looked at Carter who nodded his approval.
“Sure, help yourself.” he replied encouragingly.
I gestured to a server, asking for a glass. He brought one almost immediately. I poured a big glass and took a huge sip.
