by Ronica Black
“Hey, you!” Olivia gave her a big, one-armed squeeze. “Happy birthday!” She produced the sizable gift she had perched against her hip.
Molly took it eagerly and wrapped her arm around Olivia’s waist.
“Thank God you’re here. They’re insane and it’s so embarrassing.”
“Oh, no, already?”
“Yeah. And a lot of my friends aren’t even here yet.” Molly placed her gift next to a few others on the old pool table, the one Aaron had insisted on keeping when their grandfather passed away. Olivia could still remember how he’d taught them to play when they were barely tall enough to see over the top.
Aaron appeared at the entryway to the kitchen. He leaned against the wall and eased his hands into the pockets of his black Dickies shorts. A Fox Racing T-shirt and low-rise black Chucks completed his ensemble. She could smell his aftershave and feel just a hint of stubble as they embraced.
“Thank God you’re here,” he said as well, causing her to laugh.
His trademark loose strand of gelled hair fell onto his brow. He looked exhausted.
“Ma and Pa already making themselves known?”
“Do you even have to ask?”
“So are the Dudleys and the Grahams,” Molly said, her disdain more than evident. “I thought this was supposed to be my birthday party, not theirs.”
“But you have friends coming, right, hon?” Olivia asked, stroking her hair. The Dudleys and the Grahams were long time friends of her folks, and they’d been to many family celebrations throughout the years. She wasn’t totally surprised they were there. But she felt bad for Molly.
“Only two are here so far,” Molly said. “And Mr. Dudley keeps telling them to put away their phones.”
Molly was obviously upset, and seeing her that way never failed to tug at Olivia’s heartstrings.
“I’ll try and keep the adults occupied, okay?”
“Thanks, Auntie Liv.” She squeezed Olivia tight and took off through the kitchen to the living room and hurried out the back door.
“Auntie Liv to the rescue,” Aaron said with a grin. “Again.”
“Why haven’t you done anything?” Olivia asked. She and Aaron had become a team, especially lately, unified in their mission to protect Molly from the rigidity of their parents.
“You think I haven’t tried? All they want to talk about is how kids today are lost and corrupt and completely morally bankrupt. And how technology is the gateway to hell itself. If I even go near them, they hone in on me asking me what I plan on doing about Molly and her quote unquote obsession with her phone. As if she is, along with the phone, the devil. It’s taking all I have not to light into them all.”
Olivia rolled her eyes.
“I guess we deserve it though,” he said. “After all, we are lost, corrupt, and morally bankrupt.” He chuckled but Olivia didn’t find it funny. She knew damn well that’s exactly what her parents, especially her mother, had been thinking about her since she’d left Kenny. And they’d probably have it tattooed on her skin if they knew about her heated affair with Eve.
A sense of anxiousness overcame her as she thought about Eve. She still couldn’t believe she’d told her she loved her. But she just hadn’t been able to help herself. She’d been so caught up in the moment and in Eve herself, doing so had just felt right. But still, even though she really felt like she was hopelessly in love with Eve, she wished she’d kept that tucked away inside. She already felt exposed and raw enough with their intense lovemaking and sensual connections, she didn’t need the added vulnerability that her admission of love added. Because even though she felt it, and she meant it, falling like she was for another human being was as brand new to her as the wildly passionate sex. She hadn’t been in love with Kenny nor had she, even in her fantasies about love, ever imagined she could ever feel so deeply and so completely out of control for someone. And that was fast becoming the front and center of her concerns, on its way to surpassing the whole gay thing. Admitting she was a lesbian was one thing, a huge thing, but being able to trust someone with her heart? She hadn’t even given hers to Kenny and he’d still managed to stomp all over it and crush her insides. Who’s to say what would happen if she actually, truly, let someone in?
And then there was Eve and her lack of response, her face giving away just a tiny sliver of fear before she recovered. What did that mean? And what did her continued silence and newly growing distance mean?
Olivia wasn’t sure she wanted to know.
Aaron’s brow furrowed in obvious worry. “Hey, what is it?”
“Huh?”
Everything.
God, Aaron let’s just go. Let’s just go into the backyard and dig all the way to China like we used to try to do in our sandbox as kids, desperate to escape. Maybe we can really do it now. Maybe we can finally get away from all this…madness.
But she only shook her head. “Nothing.”
She crossed into the living room, needing to face the storm head-on, before she chickened out and actually ran out into the garage to search for a shovel to dig with. Like it or not, she was going to stick around. She owed it to Molly, and she’d promised to distract the party poopers. This was Molly’s day after all. It wasn’t supposed to be about anyone else. But as she came upon the old familiar faces of her childhood, those old familiar feelings of anxiousness and dread began to wash over her.
Well, not today. Today she was going to try something new. Why? She really wasn’t sure. She didn’t have any plans beyond the next few seconds. She just felt…different.
“Hello, everyone.” Her voice sounded weaker than she’d expected, and she chided herself. She thought of her long talks with Eve about taking back her power with strength and courage, and she realized that maybe that was what was fueling this new fire. As things stood, however, she knew it was going to be easier said than done. Just being in their presence alone was proving nerve-racking.
Her mother rose but didn’t smile.
“Olivia,” she said, offering her cheek for a quick kiss.
“Hello, Mom.” Olivia kissed her and noted that she looked relatively the same, with her long, graying hair worn in a tight bun, which always accentuated the classic features of her face. She never chose to highlight her beauty, though, and today was no exception. She wore very little makeup that Olivia could see.
Femininity, according to her mother, should be delicate and more of an undertone. No woman should ever overdo with makeup or fashion. And she was apparently continuing to stand by that belief today, in an unremarkable long denim dress and jewelry that was simple and sparse, consisting of a tiny gold pair of earrings and a matching necklace with a cross. The whole ensemble was simple and sparse, yet it made Olivia feel overheated and stifled. She was glad to put her attention on her father, who now stood alongside her mother.
“Hello, Dad.” He gave her a small smile as she went to her tiptoes to kiss his cheek. He wore his all-gray hair slicked back away from his face, just like Aaron. His jaw, however, lacked the spicy scent of aftershave despite being baby smooth from a fresh shave.
“Hello, dear,” he said, resting his hands on her hips. She’d always been closer to him than her mother. Even more so now, as an adult. He just seemed more relaxed than her mother and oftentimes, even happy.
“How’s Mexico?” She smoothed the shoulders of his light blue button-down shirt, even though it appeared to be sharply pressed, along with his khaki Dockers.
“Hot,” he said.
“Hotter than here?”
“Where we just were? Yes. Jungle heat is different,” he said. “You wouldn’t believe it.” His blue eyes twinkled. “You really should go, sometime,” he said softly. “Chichen Itza is a sight to behold. Your mother didn’t exactly love it, but I know you would.”
Olivia smiled, moved by his comment. As a kid she’d loved history and ancient civilizations, but her parents had never encouraged her interest. They’d always been reticent for her and Aaron to learn about other
cultures who didn’t share their beliefs. She would’ve never guessed that he would want to visit a place like Chichen Itza. There was obviously more to him than she had ever been aware of. Why hadn’t they ever shared these things?
Her father sat, saying nothing more. Her mother, whose eyes matched Olivia’s, were deep and searching, just as they often were with Olivia lately. She was obviously sizing her up, trying to seek out truths that Olivia had yet to share or maybe was even completely unaware of. It made Olivia uneasy, more so than usual, and irritated. So, she bent and quickly embraced the Dudleys and the Grahams, hoping to distract herself from those feelings.
“You’re looking very well, Olivia,” Mrs. Graham said. “Fit as a fiddle. And you even have a little color to you. What are you doing differently?” She was perched perfectly upright, with her hands resting on her thighs. She, like her mother and Mrs. Dudley, wore a long dress.
“I’m working out,” Olivia said. “Spending a lot of time outdoors.” It was nice of Martha to notice and nicer still that she’d said so with such kind words. Olivia wished, to this day, that her mother could be more like Martha.
“I guess so,” Martha said. “From the looks of you, you must be exercising quite a bit.”
“Five days a week. And sometimes, on an off day, I still go for a long walk.”
Mr. Graham whistled. “That’s dedication.”
“Are you lifting weights?” Mr. Dudley asked. His interest seemed genuine and she recalled he used to lift years ago. Though no longer as bulky or cut, much of his brawn still remained.
“I am.”
Her mother fingered her throat as if she were rattled. “I hope not too much.” She looked away suddenly as if Olivia’s appearance were something offensive.
Olivia felt her stomach clench, not just with fear and uneasiness like usual, but with anger and resentment at being judged and criticized. They were relatively new feelings, and she’d only ever experienced them while away from her mother, like while on the phone with her or in talking things over with Eve. But never while face to face.
She opened and closed her fists as these emotions rose up through her with the old familiar fear trying to hold them back. It was a battle. An all-out war going on inside her. How she wasn’t mirroring the chaos inside by ranting and raving and throwing furniture around like a mad woman, she did not know.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Her voice, though whisper quiet, was laced with venom.
Her mother did a double take, obviously shocked by her confrontation.
Aaron, who was suddenly beside her, stepped in. “Olivia’s working with a personal trainer,” he said. “She’s working hard and doing everything she says.”
Olivia almost laughed at his oblivious attempt to smooth things over.
“Oh, I am,” she said, staring into her mother. “I’m doing everything she says, everything she asks of me.”
Like coming for her.
Again and again.
In her mouth.
Aaron laughed nervously and squeezed her tight, almost as if he somehow knew.
If only they did know.
They’d die a thousand deaths.
Mr. Graham stood and eased up the sleeve to her snug fitting T-shirt. “My, my, my. Look at that bicep. Very impressive.”
Her mother looked away again, obviously disliking what she’d seen.
“Aren’t you impressed too, Mom? I’m pretty strong now.” Her mother flat-out refused to look at her. Olivia hated that she still yearned so badly for her mother’s approval. Would this craziness ever end? “Why can’t you just tell me you’re proud of me?” Not just for her current state of fitness or her success in school, but for everything, for anything. She’d settle for one thing. Just one.
Aaron laughed again and forced a smile at everyone before he refocused on her.
“How about a drink, sis? You look thirsty. I bet you’re thirsty.”
She didn’t answer right away. Just stood staring at her emotionally absent mother.
“Sure, bro. I’m whatever you say I am.” She tore her gaze from her mother to smile back at Aaron and they headed back into the kitchen, leaving her mother, speechless and staring after her.
Chapter Thirty
“What the fucking fuck are you doing?” Aaron whispered as he and Olivia stood before the fridge. He obviously was worried their parents and friends would overhear them from the other room, but she realized she honestly couldn’t care less.
She laughed, glad her anger and hurt were suddenly giving way to apathy and sarcasm.
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you cuss quite like that, bro. You sound almost as bad as I do now.”
He grabbed her shoulders. “What’s come over you? Are you drunk?”
“No.”
“High?”
She sighed. “No.”
“Don’t tell me you’ve just suddenly lost your mind.”
“Apparently, that’s exactly what’s happened.”
“Oh, no.” He rubbed his forehead. “Not today, Olivia. Not at Molly’s party. Can’t you wait to have a high noon showdown with Mom another time? I promise there will be ample opportunity.”
“I’m just so sick to death of her snotty self-righteousness. She was about to criticize my body in there, Aaron. After all the hard work I’ve put in, she was about to cut me down and tell me I’m too big and too muscular and too masculine. Just like she’s always done. Do you know what constantly hearing that has done to me over the years? Do you know how much shame I’ve felt about my own body? How uncomfortable I’ve been in my own skin? All because I don’t fit her definition of perfection? Well, fuck that, Aaron. Fuck it. And fuck her.”
“Shh!” His eyes grew so big she thought they might literally pop out of his skull.
She swatted his hands away from her shoulders and pulled open the fridge. “And it’s not even just about that. It’s about everything. I can’t ever seem to do anything right. But don’t worry, I’m not going to say anything. Not today.” Maybe not ever. Who knew? She obviously wasn’t ready to even calmly confront her on her judgments about her body, much less anything else.
Would she ever be able to totally and completely put her foot down?
She cracked open a can of Diet Coke and slurped, hoping for its black tar heroin to vein effect, despite not having had one in forever, following Eve’s advice. But she scowled when she found the flavor to be offensive and the carbonation way too overpowering, like it was eating away at her throat. She dumped it in the sink and searched for a glass instead. She filled it with ice and water and opened the fridge again.
“Then will you please take it down a notch?” Aaron said. “This tough girl attitude even has my butt puckering. I’m worried the ass that’s going to get kicked in this whole thing will somehow end up being mine.”
She cracked up.
“I’m serious, Olivia. I’ve even had the benefit of being around to witness this evolution of yours and I’m still scared to death of the way you looked at Mom in there. In fact, right now, I’m ready to run for the hills and leave everyone else to fend for themselves.”
“Even Molly?” She closed the produce drawers and shoved containers of milk and orange juice and soda aside, growing frustrated.
“Molly? Oh, you mean my daughter? Oh, wait, you mean your little clone? She’s been just like you are now even before you were! That girl can definitely hold her own. I don’t have to worry about her at all in this case.”
“I am kind of proud, now that you mention it. Actually, more than proud.”
“You should be. She doesn’t just love you. She idolizes you now. She refers to your changing as the Evolution of Olivia.”
Olivia warmed. “Does she really?”
“Yes.” He bumped his way in. “Now, what the hell are you looking for?”
“Lemon.”
“Lemon?”
“For my water.”
“You have to have lemon for your water now?”
/> “It would be nice.”
He cussed again and dug in the back of the top shelf and handed her a green plastic bottle with a yellow lid. “As good as it gets.”
“Lemon juice? How old is this?”
He shrugged and closed the door. “Beats me.”
She struggled with the lid but finally got it open. After she added some to her water, she walked to the back door and slipped outside, wanting to check in on Molly and her friends. The three girls fell silent when they saw her, but Molly perked up.
“It’s okay. It’s just Auntie Liv. She’s cool.”
Olivia smiled and shook their hands. “Hi. Cool, here. Nice to meet you.”
They laughed.
“This is Carla and Sam. They’re in my dance class.”
“Oh, of course. I thought I recognized you. When’s your next recital?” She loved watching Molly dance and often wished that she, too, was just as coordinated. Molly had even tried to show her a few moves over the years, but it had always been disastrous, ending with her and Molly on the floor laughing hysterically.
“This fall,” Molly said. “Only, Auntie Liv, we’re taking hip-hop this time, so it’s going to be awesome.”
“No kidding? Think I might be able to pull off a couple of those moves?”
“Um, no.” Molly laughed. “I think it’s safer for everyone if you just hang up your towel with the dancing, Auntie Liv.”
“Is she that bad?” one of the girls asked.
“Scary bad,” Molly said.
“I’d argue, but it’s true,” Olivia said. “Aren’t you guys hot out here?”
They shrugged.
“Come on. Come inside. You can hang in the front room. I promise I’ll keep an eye out for the troglodytes.”
Molly laughed. “The what?”
“Cave dwellers. Never mind. Come on, come in where it’s cool. It’s your damn party. You shouldn’t have to hide out here in the heat like you’ve done something wrong.”
The girls followed her inside and Molly smiled at her with obvious appreciation. Olivia winked at her and the adults were now the ones who fell silent as they entered.
“These young ladies are going to hang out in the front room where there will be gossip, girl talk, and excessive cellular phone use. That means no sticks in the mud allowed. Especially you, Mr. Dudley.”
