by C D Cain
“You never went back?”
“No. I never did. I was only two hours away when we first moved away together. There were a few times when I got in my car to go back home. But each time I realized my home was with Vi and I turned around before I ever got there. There was nothing there for me anymore.” She took a swallow of beer. “I had found my life. There was no going back after that.”
I felt the sadness build in me as if it was an erupting volcano about to spill over. The heat of its lava burned my stomach. I couldn’t imagine ever being fully happy without the people of Brennin in my life.
“Hey?”
I swallowed hard in an attempt to keep the tears down.
She put her hand over the top of mine. “Just because that is how it worked out for me…just because that is what was best for my life doesn’t in any way mean it’s what will happen in yours. You know that, right? Accepting who we fundamentally are doesn’t mean the same future for everyone. Nothing says you can’t go home. Nothing says you can’t be exactly who you want to be and still be true to yourself.” She squeezed my hand. “You get that, right?”
“Yeah, I guess a part of me knows that but the hard truth is it’s a really small town with even smaller values. As you said, fundamentally we are who we are. In this town, there’s a rhythm. Even if you overlook the religious stuff, there’s still this expectation the town has for its kids. They grow up, get married, and have kids of their own. It’s a cycle of everyone doing and being the same. I won’t fit into that anymore.”
“And why is that?”
“What do you mean why?” I said with confusion.
“Just that. Why won’t you fit in anymore? Why can’t you have exactly what you just said?”
“Because…well…because I would be different.”
“We are all different, love. All of us. It’s what makes this world grand. Home is where your heart takes you. If you search past your fears to remember the hearts of the people you want to go back home to, do you really think they’ll not want you back if you’re a lesbian?”
Faces of those back home flashed across my mind—Flossie, Cora, Mrs. Bell. They were all smiling at me as they came into my mind. Then Charlie Grace’s face came into view. Hers held a much different expression.
She patted my hand. “Don’t answer now. Just think about it.” All of a sudden, she slammed the palm of her hand down on the bar. The sound almost caused me to fall from the stool. “What are you doing this weekend?”
This weekend. Maybe that was it? Maybe that was why I kept breaking down in tears. This weekend is Memorial Day weekend. The weekend I danced with Sam to the music of Memaw’s laugh and country tunes under a blanket of stars. The weekend Sam stole my breath, captured my heart, and overpowered my every thought with her lips and tongue soft against my own. The weekend I first felt my body begin to lose control within the arms of another. Sam.
“Are you working or off?”
“I’m off.”
“Do you have plans?”
Plans? Yes, to stay as far away from Louisiana as possible. “No, no plans.”
Jazlyn burst into a beaming smile. “Then come with us.” She grabbed both of my hands across the bar. “Come with us to the beach. We’re going down to our condo in Seaside. One of my very best friends is meeting us there. It’s the neatest little beach. We’re going to have a blast.”
I leaned away from the bar, shaking my head. “Are you insane?”
“Possibly. The verdict is still out on that.” She laughed. “But really, you should come. It’s perfect timing and just what you need. A relaxing getaway of sun, surf, and friends.”
“You mean friend as in singular. I highly doubt Dr. Breaker would consider me that. And there’s a snowball’s chance in hell she wants me coming along.”
Jazlyn swooped both of our empty beer bottles off of the bar in one motion and tossed them in the plastic trash can behind her. “She’s a pussycat outside of the hospital.” She reached into the ice to steal two more beers. She popped the tops, twirled the bottle opener around her finger, and tucked it into her back pocket. “You let me worry about her.”
“I seriously doubt she is.” I pulled the beer close to me. “And you can have every bit of that worry because that pussycat scares the shit out of me.”
“So, is that a yes?”
Sam. Meems. A bayou without either. “I want to tell you yes more than I can admit but I’m really afraid you are misjudging her. She was not too happy when I saw her last. I think she will be super pissed at you for inviting me.”
“I don’t doubt that at all. But trust me. I know Vi. I’m one hundred percent sure I can make this okay and she’ll go along with it.”
I picked at the label on the bottle and considered her invitation. I really didn’t want to be alone this weekend. Nor did I want to be with Grant or go home. Everything and everyone excluding the setting she was offering would be a reminder of Sam on the dock with me. “Are you really sure?”
“Oh, I’m sure. Is that a yes?”
“Yeah, it’s a yes.”
She tapped the neck of her beer against mine. “Hot damn.”
We arrived in Seaside much later than we had planned because neither Dr. Breaker nor I could leave the hospital until early evening. I would have found the silence of the backseat awkward had I not realized early into the trip that Dr. Breaker had fallen asleep. Occasionally, I would look away from the passenger window to see Jazlyn’s eyes watching me in the rearview mirror.
Because of our late arrival, I had missed the sunset the night before but tonight I had a front row seat as I sat quietly on the condo’s fifth-floor balcony to watch the sky be painted by the lowering sun. It was filled with the most glorious purples, oranges, and yellows. Below it, emerald crystal blue waters stretched as far as I could see. The silhouette of seagulls perched atop their twig-like legs scurried along the shoreline as they hunted for crumbs left behind from those who had occupied the beach in the prime of day. I couldn’t hear the ones found closest to the shore but the grunting squawk seemed to be all around the balcony as they flew about from one group to the next. I watched the last few beachgoers pack up their day’s essentials as they darted in and out from under the condominium’s royal blue umbrellas. The sun was all but tiny streams of bright light bursting from around thickened clouds. The low-lying purple masses with their outline of colored rose rested just above the surface of the water.
“Mind some company?”
I hadn’t heard or noticed Jazlyn come up behind me. “No, not at all.” I turned in my chair to look at her. She looked fresh out of the shower with damp hair and minimal make-up. “I’d like it.”
“Vi’s getting dressed. Thought I’d come out and sit with you before starting dinner.”
“I didn’t know you were cooking.”
“I’m making Mo’s favorite. She should be here in an hour or so.” She walked to the chair next to me and patted my leg as she sat down. “So, tell me, did you have a good day?”
“Most definitely. You were so right. This place is beautiful.” It had been hard for me to imagine the clearness of the water when she had described it to me. I had never seen water this clear. Even while standing in chest-deep water, I could see my feet on the sandy bottom. “The water was amazing. I’ve never been to an ocean like this before. All we ever did growing up was go with Jacques to Grand Isle to go deep sea fishing. I can assure you that water was anything but clear.”
She scooted her patio chair close to the edge of the balcony and stretched her legs out to rest her feet on the railing. Her shorts made her legs appear even longer. “You and Vi seemed to be getting along okay. I told you she’d be fine once she was around you.”
“She’s been nice.”
Dr. Breaker had been reserved but cordial. I could sense she was putting on her best behavior for the weekend.
She was nice but not what I would term pleasant. She was tolerating me for Jazlyn’s sake. The tone of her voice when she spoke to me was different when we were alone versus around Jazlyn. It was obvious her impression of me had not changed and all of her actions were simply for Jazlyn’s happiness. It was yet another reason I was envious of them. The second-nature affection shared between them when their bodies came in close contact, the side glances when a smile was shared, and the sacrifices made to ensure the other’s ease or happiness, all of these things I watched in longing. All of these things I knew I did not have with Grant. And all of these things I knew I could have had if only I would’ve had the strength to make different choices not so long ago.
“What’s going on in that head of yours?” She put her hand softly on my arm.
“About?”
“You looked deep in thought just now.”
I turned in my chair to face her as I covered her hand with mine. “Thank you for bringing me here.” I squeezed her hand before releasing it.
“You’re very welcome.” She smiled broadly, stretched her long arms over her head and arched her back. “Care to elaborate on your thoughts, though?”
“The last place I wanted to be this weekend was back home.”
The tightness in my chest blocked any answer I could have given Grant when he mentioned us going home for the long weekend. Before the engagement, I could hardly get him to go but now it seemed as if that was all he wanted to do. I swear he and Charlie Grace were looking at real estate property for our offices. But if it kept them occupied with each other, who was I to argue? Besides, Grant was on a mission of looking solely at commercial property instead of considering any residential listings. This sat well with me. Viewing homes or offices for the purpose of establishing my dream of practicing back home was much easier to handle than a home with the hopes of filling extra bedrooms with the sound of children.
“One year ago, I felt like my world was turned upside down. I felt scared and different and confused. So very confused,” I said as I stared out at the ocean. “I can’t say that has changed too much but being here away from it all has been a welcome change of scenery. It’s made me feel like maybe I’m not completely different than everyone in my life. Like maybe the person I am belongs somewhere when I’m around you and Violet.”
“You never felt like you belonged anywhere before?”
“With Meems and Sam but that’s about it. When I was with them, I felt like I was me. With anyone else, I feel like I have to be how they see me. Or how they want to see me.”
“Even Grant?”
“Gawd, especially Grant. Especially since I’ve changed. He wants me to be the same woman or even little girl he has known his whole life. Even before though, we were nothing like you and Violet. We’ve never interacted with each other the way y’all do.”
She tapped the knuckle of her bent index finger against her lip a few times. “Then why did you say yes to his proposal?”
The ocean pulled me back to it. I watched the waves crash along the shore and noticed the water beyond it to be with calmer currents. It gave the surface no more than a gentle ripple. All one body of water yet different. Different but the same.
“Honestly, I have no idea.” I breathed in the sea air and felt the salt on my tongue. “I guess I needed something to hold on to. Something concrete, something real. Grant is a constant in my life. Now he’s one of the last constants in my life. He was my link to back home. I felt all of this change happening around me. Memaw…Sam…my whole life’s plan. Everything I’d grown up knowing was my future seemed to disappear or change in the blink of an eye. I felt like Sam had been this free living, loving spirit. It was all so very intoxicating but in the end wasn’t a real possibility for me. She wasn’t a real life I could have.”
“Who’s to say what real life is, Rayne. Shouldn’t what’s real be about what’s best for you?”
“What about you? Were you in love when you said yes? When you got married, did you doubt or wonder at all if that was what you wanted?”
“Yes, I was absolutely sure it was. I loved Zach. I loved him very much.” She lowered her legs from the railing and leaned back to peer through the sliding-glass door. “A part of me will always love him and his family. He was my constant too. I’d never loved anyone but him until I met Vi.”
“So, you had never thought of women before Dr.…I mean Violet before?”
Jazlyn let a small sigh escape her lips. “Nope.” She then smiled fully. “Not one single solitary thought.”
“Then what? Why?”
She shrugged. “Rayne, the heart can’t hide what it wants. Even from its owner.”
“What about now? Are you attracted to other women?”
Her smile widened. “I notice attractive women all of the time.” She leaned over and nudged my arm. “Present company included, but I don’t think of them as far as doing anything with them or being unfaithful to my wife. I’m in love with Vi. She’s the only woman for me.”
“Do you consider yourself a lesbian then?”
She gave me far more than a snicker and laughed heartily. “Oh, honey, yes without a doubt. But why do you bother putting labels on things?” She tapped my forehead lightly. “Girl, you gotta let go of some of this up here. You don’t have to label yourself. You don’t have to try to figure it all out in the present. Hell, honey, that’s what the future is for. To figure things out. You need to find for yourself who or what turns your body inside out to be with them. Does it really matter if it’s a male or female? Be in love. Be in lust. Be whatever. Just feel what it is you want to feel and make no excuses or explanations for it. Don’t live a life going through the motions.” She stared out at the ocean before patting her thighs and standing up. “Take fifteen minutes to think about what I said. Then stand up, breathe in a lung full of this fresh sea air, and go get dressed.” She put her hand on my shoulder and squeezed. “I can’t wait for you to meet my friend, Mo. We’re going to have a great weekend.”
I felt the anxiety build in my gut. It was an influx of nervous energy that quickened my heart rate and would have surely taken my breath had a crashing wave not pulled my attention back out to the surf. The waves had begun to strengthen to create an impressive spray of water as they crashed against the shore. I remembered laughing earlier in the day when the waves lifted my feet from the sand as I stood out in the water. I remembered the feeling of the water flowing through my fingers as I lifted my cupped hand in and out of it. I had lost myself in the crystal blue water, lost myself watching Jazlyn and Violet. They were in synchronicity as they laid on the beach together. They moved without the need for words but yet seemed to know each other’s thoughts and needs. Jazlyn would sit up in her chair but before she could reach for the cooler, Violet would hand her a cold drink. She would do the same for Violet. At one point, I noticed Violet turning her head side to side and just as she was about to sit up, Jazlyn stood to adjust the umbrella to shade her face. They shared a smile before returning to their books. Being with them as they interacted so naturally gave me a calmness I badly needed. I knew without a doubt I wanted what they had.
As another wave crashed, I felt the exhilaration in the sound of the surf soak into my soul. I understood the serenity that had shown on Jazlyn’s face when it reflected the lights of the Alabama theater. I understood how she was taken away yet brought back as she stood staring at the building that represented her center. I heard her voice in my thoughts. “It’s my thing.” I breathed in the sea air as she had said and let it wash through me. I smiled broadly because I knew. The water was my thing, whether it was found with waves or ripples…it was my thing.
The hot shower stung my sunburned skin as it beat down on my shoulders. I was thankful I had packed a light spaghetti strap shirt and loose linen pants to wear to dinner. It had been a while since I had taken the time to notice myself in the mirror. So much so that my hai
r was at least three inches longer than I usually wore it. The length had begun to weigh down the light brown curls as they touched the top of my shoulders. No wonder I found myself constantly tossing it into a ponytail. It was either the style I wore leaving the house or the one that happened after a day of fighting the falling strands. I ran some gel through it and decided to let it dry on its own tonight. I tossed my make-up back in my bag and decided to let my sun-kissed cheeks be the only color I wore tonight. I dabbed on a little lipstick and gave myself one final look before opening the bedroom door. My green eyes were a brighter hazel than they had been of late. Maybe it was the bedroom lighting or maybe the hue of my sun-kissed face. I’m not sure what it was but they were definitely brighter.
The smell of garlic and peppers reminded me of what little food I had eaten in the day. I walked into the living area to notice Jazlyn moving around the open kitchen as if she was a true chef. She hadn’t heard me come into the room as the steps made with my bare feet had been silent on the dark gray tiled floor. I watched her add ingredients to her pots and skillets as she hummed an unknown song. Her happiness was spreading quickly to me as I watched her.
“It smells fantastic,” I said as I leaned against the doorframe of the kitchen.
Her hand flinched slightly which added an extra dollop of garlic to the skillet. “Oops,” she said with a smile. “You startled me.” She looked down at the spoonful of garlic and shrugged. “Oh well, it’ll keep the vampires away.”
“It smells pretty damn good to me too,” Violet said, walking around the corner. “Hey, babe, what about this one?” She held a bottle of red wine up.
“Perfect.” Jazlyn tapped the thin spatula against the side of the skillet and pointed it at me. “I hope you brought your appetite.” She quickly wiped her hands on a dish towel.
My stomach growled loudly. So loudly that she obviously heard it because she began to laugh. “I’ll take that as a yes.”
