by C D Cain
“What the hell does that mean?”
“I’m leaving today for three or maybe even four months. I spend my last night with you thinking…I don’t know, that we may act like a couple about to be separated for three months. You’re so freakin’ frigid all of the time that even last night I couldn’t get a little.”
“Get a little? Did you seriously just say that to me?”
He stepped quickly to stand in front of me. “I sure as hell did.” His breath was hot against my face. The smell of toothpaste followed. “I can’t even remember the last time we’ve had sex. You act repulsed when I touch you but I thought last night, surely last night, we could be together. I shouldn’t have to jerk off as much as I do when I have a fiancé.”
“Well, what do you know, folks. Dr. Dick number two is in the house.” I stormed down the hallway to the kitchen and hoped he would leave instead of following me. A sharp pain shot through my jaw as I gritted my teeth. “Ass!” I screamed over my shoulder.
A fully dressed Grant followed me into the kitchen by the time I found my landlord’s number. His face was solemn. “Rayne, I don’t want to leave like this. I don’t want to fight.” He sighed deeply as he rubbed his hands up and down his face. “I just don’t get what has happened to us. I don’t. You act like you can hardly stand to be with me in the same room sometimes. What has happened to us? Please tell me what I’ve done. What I need to do.”
I leaned against the kitchen counter but wrestled with any words to say to him. He looked defeated and lost. I had done this to him. I had brought him here.
He kept his ground and didn’t step closer to me. “I’m leaving in a few hours and we’re fighting. This isn’t us, Rayne. This isn’t who we are.” He scratched at the whiskers on his chin. “I don’t know what to do anymore. Should I not have signed up for this rotation? Is that it?”
“No, it’s not your rotation. It’s not.”
He held his head down. “Then what is it? I just don’t know what has happened to us. I know I get distracted with school. I’m sorry I got so distracted with this New York thing. I’ll stay if you want me to. I won’t go.” He closed the distance. His sad eyes drew my attention to them. Above the left eye, I saw the small separation in his eyebrow. I pictured a young Grant running to his mom after he fell from his swing and landed on a fallen branch. My heart took him in as it had a way of doing. When I let go of the confusion which easily manifested into anger, I was reminded of the little boy I had grown up knowing. I was reminded of my friend.
He put his hands on my hip. “We’re so distant. It’s like I don’t know you anymore.”
“Grant, we’re both changing. Have you ever wondered if we were growing into different people?”
“No, not different. I’m not different. I want to get all of this behind us.” He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me against him. “Get it behind us and start our life together. Start our family.”
An image of Tyler’s quivering lip flashed across my thoughts. Pregnant. Trapped. Unhappy.
He nuzzled his face against my neck. The whiskers scratched my skin. “I love you so much, Rayne.” His breath was warm. His lips dry and rough as he kissed me. “I’m so sorry I said those ugly things.” His kiss on my lips was forced. The coarse hairs pricked like small needles on them as he deepened his search for connection.
A wave rolled over my stomach. Not a butterfly.
His kiss scrounged around and over my lips for any shred of acceptance or encouragement. He left them to let his mouth explore my neck and pulled me closer against his chest. I felt his excitement in our togetherness grow against me.
Far from a butterfly.
His fingertips dug into the skin on the outside of my thighs as his hands raised my robe with their travels. I felt the strength of his hips push me against the counter when his pelvis responded to the urges his body was showing me he felt. The pressure gave me nothing of the feelings the last time another’s body was pressed against me. Another roll over my stomach.
I can’t do this.
Another thrust of him against me. The tie of my robe was loosened and tickled the side of my thigh. The denim of his jeans felt coarse against the thinness of my satin underwear.
No. I can’t do this.
The sound of his zipper was like a siren in my head.
No! Stop.
I stilled his hand as he tried to pull at the satin waistband. His eyes caught with mine. They held sadness but no longer the traces of anger I had seen a few moments ago.
“I get it.” He gave me a small smirk as he refastened his pants. He kissed the tip of my nose. “When I return, we’ll do this right.” His smile was strained. “Something to look forward to. I do love you, Rayne.” He kissed the back of my hand and let his whiskers rub across the skin of my knuckle. “I’ll miss you.”
“You’re kidding me?”
“I wish I were. I have a pond in my bathroom and hallway now.” I held the cell phone against my cheek and studied the mess in front of me. “The landlord says he’ll have someone out in a few minutes. I’m packing an overnight bag now to go stay at Grant’s.”
“Ah. And is that where you want to stay?” Jazlyn’s voice was as if she knew my answer already. From the time I had met her, she seemed to know my wishes sometimes quicker than I myself did.
“No, not particularly.”
“So, come stay here.”
“I couldn’t do that. I’m in your hair more than I need to be as it is. This may take all weekend to repair. You don’t want me staying on your couch the entire weekend.”
“Nope. I wouldn’t dream of you staying on the couch that long. You can have the bed.”
“Ummmm….what?”
Jazlyn’s laugh was throaty. “We’re going out of town, crazy girl. We’re jetting as soon as Vi comes in from the hospital. You can stay here. It’s no problem. Totally up to you though.”
I walked into the living room and looked around the room. A change of scenery from my everyday life would very nearly be like a vacation to me. One that couldn’t be found if I went from this place to Grant’s. The memories would only follow me there. “Are you sure you don’t mind?” I asked as I sat on the arm of the couch.
“Not one bit, honey. I’d be happy if you stayed here.”
“Then I will. I can’t thank you enough. It would be great to have a different atmosphere for a while.”
“Excellent. I’ll have the place ready for you.”
I felt the sting of Grant’s whiskers on my lips and noticed I had reached up to rub at my bottom one. I felt the wave of nausea run across my stomach as I remembered his hips pressed against mine. “Hey, Jazlyn?”
“Yeah?” Her voice was dampened against the sound of glass bottles clinking against one another.
“You sound busy. Are you?”
“Not at all. I’m just picking you out a good bottle of wine. What’s up?”
“Gawd, sometimes I feel like all I do is ask you a thousand questions. I’m afraid you’re going to become sick of me soon.”
“Not going to happen. If you haven’t figured it out yet, I kind of like ya’. Besides, my brain needs a good picking every now and then.”
I slid off the arm of the couch onto the sofa cushion. I never found it easy to talk to anyone about sex and this conversation would be no exception. Maybe talking over the phone would be easier than sitting across from her at the bar. “It’s kinda hard to talk about actually.”
“Ooooh, this one sounds juicy. Let me grab a seat.” I heard chair legs slide across the floor and figured she was sitting at the dining table.
“Did you…?” I stuttered for my words. “I mean what was it like with Zach? Like in a sexual way.” I felt my teeth biting into my bottom lip. “Did you like it?”
She was silent and I began to wonder if my question was too personal.
“I’m sorry. If that’s too personal, you don’t have to answer. We can forget I said anything at all.” I pulled the sofa pillow across my chest and held it tightly against me. I was immediately regretful I had asked the question.
“No. It’s not that. You can ask me anything.” She took in a deep breath. “It’s just that this has to be between us. If I speak openly, it can’t be repeated. Would you be okay with that?”
“Of course, I would.”
“Whoa, okay. I’ve not thought about this in so long but here goes. Yeah, I did enjoy sex with Zach. I actually enjoyed it a lot.”
“You did?” I asked so quickly that my filter didn’t have time to catch up with me.
She laughed one of her belly laughs. “Yes. I did. You sound surprised.”
“Well, yeah…I mean…” I thought about what I wanted to say next but nothing really came. “Yeah. I’m surprised.”
“So, I take it you don’t?”
“Like sex with Grant?” I felt the heaviness in my chest. “No, I don’t. I never have. Not once.”
“That has to be tough. Are you two very active in that way?”
“No, I suppose not. He wants us to be more but we aren’t. Thankfully, he doesn’t push it too much. School keeps us both pretty drained. Fatigue is a good excuse to go right to sleep.”
“And this subject comes up today because of why?”
I pinched the bridge of my nose as I tried to remove the vision of him pressed up against me. “Well, I’ve been wanting to talk to you about it for a while now but he wanted to before he left and I just couldn’t. The last time we did, I didn’t think I’d ever stop crying. I just couldn’t go through that again today.”
“How will you the rest of your life?”
“I don’t know.”
“Mmmmmm,” she moaned into the phone. “Then maybe that is telling you something, my friend.”
I shook my head yes but didn’t verbalize the sentiment.
“Sometimes the answers are there for us all along. It’s the acceptance of the answers that holds us back.”
“If you enjoyed being with Zach in that way, then why Violet?”
She chuckled. I had a way of making her do that. “It’s not about sex. It never was with either one of them. It’s the connection. I had an immediate connection with Vi. From the moment I met her, I knew she was the one and my life would never be the same.”
Sam’s face flashed into my head.
“You think a lot like Vi. It’s part of the reason she and I can’t talk about it. She knows I loved Zach. She knows I enjoyed our intimacy. It’s hard for her because I think in the back of her mind she fears she doesn’t truly understand why I made the choices I made. Somehow, she holds onto the fear that I will one day want to go back to the straight life since I had found a place in that world before I knew her.”
“It’s a reasonable fear, isn’t it?”
“Not to me it’s not. I love her. There’s no going back to anything or anyone since her. She’s it for me. I keep quiet about the things I know bother her most. Why spark her fears if I don’t have to? Now I have a question for you.”
“Shoot.”
“Do you think the reason you felt the things you felt for Sam was because you didn’t enjoy sex with Grant? Is it as simple as that?”
I tossed the pillow over toward the other end of the couch. “No, it wasn’t that at all. It was her. It was the way she looked at me. It was the way she smelled. The way her hand felt in mine.” I sighed. “It was everything about her. It was like she changed every single thing I knew to be true in the world when she touched me and kissed me. I’d never felt anything like it before and I’m terrified I’ll never feel anything like it again.”
“I get it. You feel like you had that one shot and now it’s gone.”
“Yes.”
“Honey, I know you don’t see it now, but you’ll feel it again. It was Sam who opened up your world. Maybe that was her only purpose to be in your life. Maybe not. No one knows the future. It’s what you do with your world now that truly matters.”
The damned ring slid up and down my finger as I struggled with the door lock at Jazlyn and Violet’s loft. Lately, the only thing keeping it on my finger was the knuckle that hadn’t seemed to decrease in size like the rest of me. I caught the scent of Jazlyn’s SUV as I opened the door. I couldn’t help smiling to myself. She sure loved her escapes to the beach. Thankfully, she and Violet had needed one this weekend. Jazlyn was right; I really didn’t want to stay at Grant’s apartment. So much so, I had even contemplated staying in an empty sleep room at the hospital while the repairs were done. Yet, that too brought back memories. It seemed there were few places I could go in Birmingham that weren’t filled with memories of choices made.
The unexpected ruptured pipe was less than desired but walking into their apartment felt pretty darn good. Their place gave me the opportunity to be in a different environment. I didn’t sit at a table that took me back to Memaw’s cabin. I didn’t fix my meals standing at a countertop with memories of Grant pressed against me. I didn’t sit in a living room, envisioning Sam sitting in the chair across from me. I didn’t sleep in a bed with a flood of memories of Sam’s lips upon mine. No one but the two women who had become my friends followed me into this apartment. I dare say, not even Rayne followed me there.
With Grant away, I could find myself again or possibly even a new Rayne in my solitude. I was beginning to like the Rayne I was when I was around Jazlyn. In fact, I liked her more and more each day. And now I stood in a gorgeous downtown loft with nothing of the old Rayne carried as baggage with me. It was as if I was suddenly on an overseas vacation. I didn’t even have call this weekend.
A piece of paper lying on the table next to a bottle of wine rustled as the air conditioning kicked on. It was a note from Jazlyn.
The place is yours. Make yourself at home. I put the number to the Thai restaurant below. EAT. You’re wasting away on hospital food. Love Jazlyn.
Written below, close to the edge of the paper, the note continued.
By the way, you’re getting a solid ass whooping if I ever hear of you needing anything at all and you not calling me right away! Just saying.
She had drawn a smiley face at the end.
Thai actually sounded pretty darn good. I placed my order, popped the cork on the bottle, and sat down to enjoy a rather large glass of wine. The crisp liquid continued to have a slight chill to it as I swirled the sip around in my mouth. Jazlyn must have waited until the last minute to set it out for me. I stretched my legs out in front of me and began to relax into the first night of my vacation.
“Look at me. I’m out of scrubs, kicked back, drinking a glass of wine with absolutely nothing to do.” I rubbed my hand across my blue jeans and smiled.
The sound of a key in the lock jarred my head off the back of the couch. I ran to the door and watched as the key fought to unlock the door. Were they back? Had something happened at the beach? I stepped back quickly as the door opened all of a sudden.
“Mo?”
She seemed as startled as me. “Rayne? What are you doing here?” She stepped back away from the door.
I looked down at the duffle bag at her feet. “Looks like the same thing you are.” I motioned to my bag in the middle of the floor.
A smile crept across her face. “This could get interesting.” She picked up her bag and stepped fully inside the door. “I knew Jazlyn and Violet were out of town so I thought I could crash here.”
“I had a plumbing problem at my apartment. They’re having to replace a bunch of sheetrock stuff. Jazlyn said I could stay here instead of in a sleep room at the hospital. But I can go stay there so you can have the place.” I looked down at her bag again. “If you want?”
“Why would I want that? Your company is icing. Unless you’re uncomfortable
being here alone with me?” She peered at me from under her raised eyebrows. “You know, without our tall chaperone around?”
“Ummm…no…no, not at all.” I think I forced a believable smile.
“Excellent.” Her smile expanded even more. “Now that we have that out of the way.” She stretched her hand out to touch the hair along the side of my face. “Your hair looks great.”
I ran my fingers through the recently cropped, thinned, straightened hair which now rested an inch below my ears. “Do you really like it? I’m still not sure what I think of it. I’ve not had it this short in a really long time.”
“Well…I’m sure.”
“And the color? It’s not…I don’t know…too much?” I had gotten it highlighted a caramel color throughout my hair but had my bangs and a few stray strands dyed a blondish color. It was definitely a new style for me. I didn’t even have a picture as an example of what I wanted. I simply sat down in the chair of an unknown hairdresser and said that I wanted something different. The young man’s face nearly burst with excitement as he described what he wanted to do with my cut and color. I didn’t have the heart to chicken out. After he was done, he spun me around to look in the mirror. I didn’t recognize the woman sitting in the chair. It was then I truly realized how different I was becoming. The physical me was beginning to catch up to the changes growing inside of me. My cheekbones had always been high and defined but the weight loss and this new hairdo accentuated them even more.
“Oh, I’m not saying it’s not too much.” She ran her fingers through the bangs. “It’s too much alright.” She let them slowly trace down the sides and around my neck. “But in a very good way.” She winked.
“You’re the first to see it.”
I worried I had gotten carried away with the new Rayne when I left the beauty shop. Yet all of those worries fell to my feet with the reaction I was witnessing from Mo.
