by C D Cain
She stood from the bed and turned her back to me. “Rayne. I…” She walked across the room to sit on the floor next to her boots. She slipped on a boot, pulled the laces tight but left them untied. “I’m not girlfriend material. It’s not who I am. I never asked you to be anyone other than who you were. You can’t. It’s not right for you to ask that of me.”
“Did I say that’s what I wanted from you?”
“No, but look at everything. You cancelled your engagement. And now you have to deal with your mother. Just think about what is down the pike for you. This is the tip of the iceberg.” She tugged tightly at the laces again and then tied them in a bow. She pulled her jeans leg back over the boot and played with the hem. “You’ll look to me for support. You’ll want me to be here. You know I never stay long in one place.”
I knelt in front of her feet. “Mo, I’m a big girl who can take care of herself. I’m not asking you to do anything but keep us like we are.”
She said nothing nor looked up at me. She pulled at her other pants leg to slide the other boot on.
I placed my hands on her bent knees as she worked with the laces of the boot. “I’m not asking for us to grow into anything. I’m not asking us to change at all. You go and come as you do. We get together when you’re in town. That’s all. I’m not asking you to be anything other than what you want to be.”
“You’ll want more,” she said under her breath. “They always want more.”
Her words were a stinging reminder of the women who had shared her time before me. I swallowed hard. “Then shame on me if I do, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.”
She rested her chin and cheek on her hand as she propped her elbow on her knee. I was lost in the whirl of emotions in her eyes. She cared more than she wanted. I saw it there.
“Mo?” I traced her chin with my finger. “Meredith? Please. I’m begging you.”
She raised her eyes and focused over my shoulder instead of keeping our eyes connected.
“I’m here. I’m right here telling you I want from you no more than you’re wanting to give me. I won’t push. I won’t pull you into anything you don’t want.” I leaned my head to the side and tried to force her eyes to meet mine. “You have never, not once, asked anything of me. Never asked me to change or be more than I was ready for. That made me comfortable to be around you. It gave me ease to be myself. All I am asking for is a chance to be that for you.”
She stretched her hand up to brush the bangs from my eyebrows. “That’s all I ever wanted you to be.”
“And that’s all I want you to be with me. Don’t you see?”
“You may not ask me to but what if I care too much for you that I will want to? What if I’ll be pulled to be with you? And then I fail you miserably about the time you start to depend on me? I don’t think I could take it. You’re more than sex to me, Rayne. That alone was something I was having a hard time dealing with, but this? This with your mom and your whole life change? With this, I know I’m in over my head. I’ll only disappoint you.”
“You won’t. I promise you won’t. I’ll take whatever you can give me. Just like you did of me.”
She brought our lips together and softly took my bottom lip between hers. Her tongue was timid against mine. Her kiss was gentle. The passion it once held was gone from her lips. It was goodbye.
“I’m sorry,” she said softly against my lips. “I can’t.”
I followed her to the door but knew I couldn’t kiss her again. I couldn’t feel her lips upon mine while knowing they were to be the last of our kisses. She didn’t try either. I watched her shoulders rise and fall in a deep sigh before she stepped fully out of the door. She kept her back to me as she walked down the driveway carrying her large duffle bag across her shoulder. She didn’t look back when she climbed into the cab nor did she look out of the window as it drove away.
Crack.
The quintessential Charlie Grace had not answered calls nor texts after she left the apartment. I suppose my own stubbornness prevented me from leaving a voicemail. I dared not leave a message that she could play over and over as a way of holding something over my head. I could only hope time away from me and the truth of me was giving her the clarity she sought. Or perhaps it was the calm after the storm she yearned to master. No matter which it was, she was not responding. Which was why I knew it wasn’t her knock at the door hours later. She would never take the first step. Not Charlie Grace. The knock became persistent.
Mo?
I almost tripped over the back of the couch on my way to the door. She had come back. She didn’t want to see our end any more than I wanted it. I knew there was more behind her eyes than what her words were telling me.
I pulled open the door. “Mo, I’m so glad you came back. I know we can work this out.” With my hand still on the knob, I stared frozen.
Grant stood in the doorway. He was solemn and had quite visible tear-stained cheeks. They shimmered under the glow of the porch light. His shoulders were taut as if he was desperately trying to hide the sobbing. He looked as if inward sobs were threatening his body to collapse at the doorway. Yet he left his feet firmly planted on the doormat. They were the cement to keep his statue preserved.
“Is it true?” He lowered his head. He made no attempt to come in.
Damn you, Charlie Grace!
“Grant, please come in.”
“Rayne! I asked you if it was fucking true!” His eyelids were lowered over his eyes as he squared his look at me.
With a shaky hand, I reached for him. “Please come in. Let’s talk inside. Please.”
He followed the pull of my hand but let his feet drag across the door frame as he stepped inside. The door closed behind him. He collapsed against it and wept. The back of his head rested against the wood.
“Rayne, please tell me it isn’t true,” he said in a rough, broken voice. “Please, God. Tell me you love me. Tell me it isn’t what she saw.”
I had never seen him cry like this. In fact, I couldn’t remember a time I had seen a man give in to the emotions that would cause tears such as these. My reserve, my strength was mangled right along with him. I let my own tears flow. I cried for all of the things building inside of me: the stress of finally accepting who I was, the look of disgust on Charlie Grace’s face when she saw who I was, the ending of a chance to be with the woman who had helped me not only accept being a lesbian but also made me feel okay with it, and now standing across from a man who would be, at least in the short term, destroyed by the realization of what I had hidden for so long. The tears, strong as they might be, weren’t enough to blur the vision of the man hurting at my own doings. A man I did truly love. There was a distinct difference between being in love and loving. I loved him and knew I always would. Yet I also knew I would never love him the way he wish I did.
“I do love you, Grant. I do.” My voice matched his. “I’m so, so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you.”
“So, you fuck her behind my back?” He slid down the door onto the floor. “What, Rayne? What? Are you like gay with her or something? Or was this like some college sewing wild oats thing?” The anger of betrayal was evident in his tone. Anger that was surely spurred by his hurt. “What did I do wrong?” he said barely above a whisper.
I knelt down in front of him. “Grant, please, let’s not do this…not like this. You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not you, don’t you see? It’s me. This is all me.”
He didn’t look up to meet my eyes. “What does it mean? Is it over? I know you cancelled the engagement but I thought that was because of New York. I thought New York was what you meant when you were saying we wanted different lives. I thought it was only about New York.”
I slid around him to sit next to him against the door. “I’ve always felt something inside. Something that I couldn’t explain to anyone, even myself.” I rested my head against
the hard wood of the door. “I had no idea what that meant until I met her.” I knew he would think the woman Charlie Grace had reported to him and that was fine by me. “I never meant for it to happen like this. I swear to you. I was looking for answers without truly knowing I had questions.”
“Is any part of it because of New York? Because you were mad at me for wanting to go there instead of home.”
“What? No.”
“Because I don’t have to go, Rayne.” He looked at me with hurt behind his eyes. The tears were building again. “I won’t go. We won’t go. If it means losing you, I’ll go back to Louisiana with you. I’ll do anything. Just tell me what to do.”
“No.” I put my hand on his forearm but felt his muscle twitch to my touch. I let my hand fall back in my lap. “It’s not that. It’s not New York. And why? Why would you do that to keep us together? A couple…a loving couple…would want each other to live their dreams.” I rubbed my moistened palm against my jeans as I tried to carefully choose my words. “We grew, Grant. We grew into different people. We weren’t expecting to find the directions we found but they are here and we can’t deny it. Now that we see the paths in front of us, we can’t look away to pretend they aren’t there.”
We sat in silence that was only broken by sniffing as we let our tears fall.
“Then this is it. We’re over?” He sniffled again. “Is this it or are you still trying to figure things out? Do I even have a chance anymore?” He turned and rested his side against the door. “Are you sure you’re gay?” His eyes searched my face. He lifted his hands off of his lap but quickly let them fall again. “We could have such a good life together. You and me, we could have it all. Careers. Family. Life.” He looked down. “What if,” he said softly, “what if we still stayed together? What if I overlooked your, you know, when you wanted to be with a woman? What if we just didn’t talk about it?” He kept his face down and stared into his lap.
“Grant.” He didn’t look back at me and I wasn’t going to force it. “No, Grant. No. We can’t do that. We shouldn’t do that. It wouldn’t be fair to either one of us.”
“And this is?” The hurt and anger built in his voice again. “How is this fair?”
“I didn’t mean to hurt you. I didn’t. I hate it happened this way. I tried so hard to not let this be who I am that I pretended to be someone else.”
“Why can’t you just keep pretending?”
“Because I can’t.”
“Why? You can have your time with your friends. It doesn’t have to ruin us. You can have your time. You know, to do what it is you need to do and we can still have us.” He turned to bury his head against my chest. I felt the dampness of his tears as they soaked through my shirt. “Rayne, I love you so much. You have to love me too. You just have to.” He wrapped his arms around me tightly.
“I do love you, Grant. I do love you very much and I’ll always love you.” I ran my fingers through his hair. “But I don’t love you the way you deserve. You deserve more.”
He pulled away from me abruptly. “I just don’t see why we can’t keep going the way we have been. I didn’t force you to be with me. You know like that. I didn’t force sex on you. Why can’t we forget all of this happened?”
“You don’t mean that. You don’t. I want more. I want more for me and for you.” I took in a deep breath and hoped he would start to understand the depth of what he was asking. “And you should want more too.”
He closed his eyes. He opened and closed his mouth several times before he spoke again. “I just…” He lifted his head. “I just want to be happy again.” His head fell back against the door. “I want to feel like everything is going to be alright again and that I actually know what the hell is going on in my life.”
“Grant?”
He blinked but kept staring straight ahead.
I put my hand on his leg. “You can have all of that. You have a great opportunity in New York. You were really excited about it before all of this. Why not feel that again? Why not follow your dream?”
“I thought we would do it together.”
“But it was never my dream.”
He stood and straightened out the legs of his blue jeans off. He stared down at me for several seconds. “Did I ever know you? Did I ever really know you?” He pointed at my chest.
“Yes.” I stood up next to him as he put his hand on the doorknob. “Yes, you did and still do. We’ve grown in different directions is all. I’m holding on to that. We can still find a relationship between us that fits the people we are now.”
He turned away from me. “You’ve destroyed me,” he said as he walked out of the apartment.
Fissure.
“Hey, you.” Jazlyn’s voice was muffled by something in her mouth. “I was just thinking about you.” A rather loud crunch followed. “What’s up?”
“Besides a shattered eardrum, you mean?”
She laughed. “Sorry. I’m starving. The club is crazy tonight. Mo surprised us tonight and the place is packed.”
I don’t know why I thought she would go anywhere else but the club. I felt my heart sink at the sound of her name. I had realized my feelings for Mo were growing the more time I spent with her but I didn’t fully appreciate the depth of them until I watched her walk away. If I had thought it would have done any good, I would have chased after her. I would have grabbed a hold of that damn duffle bag and pulled her back into my apartment. But the look in her eyes had told me she was leaving no matter my words or my actions. My thoughts had not been consumed by her with all of the other happenings going on. That is until the moment I heard Jazlyn say her name.
Another loud crunch followed. “I kept waiting for her to take a break after her first set but she’s like a machine tonight. She went right into another one without a break.” This time, the crunch was somewhat subdued by the sound of paper ruffling in the background. “Do you winna come over? I’ll buy you a drink?”
“No.” I pulled my knees up against my chest as I sat against the headboard of the bed. “I’m actually not in town tonight.”
“Oh, yeah? Where are you?”
“Louisiana.”
“Ah. Going home?”
“Yes.” I was a basket case filled with anger, sadness, and confusion. I was heartbroken by the pain I continued to cause those in my life. A basket case that needed to talk out my feelings with my friend—the one constant in my life. Yet, here I sat on the other end of the phone not knowing how to even begin to open up to her. How could I, without exposing Mo and me? I had overheard Jazlyn ask Mo not to start anything with me. Had Mo kept us a secret from her and if so, was it my right at all to betray her?
“So…Mo’s there?” Well, that sounded completely idiotic.
“Yeah. I didn’t know she was coming into town this weekend. She showed up on my door this afternoon.”
“Oh.” I pulled the pillow next to me across my chest and hugged it tightly. “How is she?”
“Mo?”
“Yes.”
The pause seemed like an eternity as I waited for her to finish swallowing her drink. “She’s okay.” She took another drink. “She’s worried about you but otherwise okay. Now she’s lost in that damn booth.”
“She’s worried about me?”
“Mmmmm hmmmm. Are we going to keep pretending I don’t know what’s going on?”
“You know?”
“I do.”
“Oh Jazlyn, I need to talk to you so bad but didn’t know if I could. If Mo had told you…told you about…” I hesitated when I realized I didn’t know what all she knew.
“About you and Mo?”
“Yes, that.”
I heard another crunch and momentarily wondered what in the hell she was eating. If it was an apple then surely, she must almost be done. But if it was carrot sticks or celery, I was done for.
“What has happened between you and Mo is between you two. You’re both my very best friends and two of the most incredible women I know. I’ll respect you both and let you work it out while I don’t get in the middle. How’s that sound?”
“Sounds good.”
“Now tell me about your mom. Mo said it was a very compromising position that she walked in on.”
“You could say that again.”
“Are you okay?” An apple. It must’ve been an apple because the loud crunching had finally ceased.
“Honestly, I have no idea.” I pulled at the corners of the pillow as I told Jazlyn the whole story. The parts Mo had missed. It felt good to be able to tell someone all of my fears without feeling judgment on the other end of the line. Jazlyn truly was my best friend.
“I don’t get why she would do that.” Jazlyn’s voice was muffled by more paper rattling. “I think I’m in shock.”
“You don’t know Charlie Grace. Nothing shocks me anymore.”
“It’s one thing for her to come into your home and act that way but it’s something else altogether to tell Grant. I mean, dude, she completely outed you. It was up to you to tell Grant or anyone. Not her.”
“Again, you don’t know Charlie Grace. I wouldn’t be surprised if everyone knows by now. I’m sure her phone has been hot in her hand on her drive back home. She’ll need to rally the troops to support her in her heartbreak.”
“Is that why you’re home?”
“I’m not there yet. Stopped over at a hotel for the night. I didn’t want to face this in the middle of the night. But, yeah, that and I need to face her. I need to get this talked out. I can’t function in anything with this looming over us. Not at the hospital…not studying…not anything.”
“I get that. And Grant? What will he do?” I could tell she was talking around another bite in her mouth. She really must have been hungry.
“I have no idea. I imagine not much of anything as far as telling people. He isn’t really one to discuss his feelings. He hardly talked to me about any of his thoughts before all of this. I think I always wondered if he didn’t have any or if he just didn’t want to talk about them. But I doubt he’ll be too anxious for everyone to know. He’ll most likely think it will be taken as a reflection on him. Gawd, Jazlyn, I hurt him so bad. I just can’t even let myself feel that part.”
