by Ireland Gill
I heard myself laugh as I saw the tears in his eyes. I knew those had been real, and I was glad that I'd caused them. It was what I wanted, to literally see the pain in him come out before me.
And then, without even thinking first, a guttural scream came from my throat as I stabbed him once in the stomach, holding the knife there and pressing it further and further into his gut. Before I realized it, I’d repeated that movement into his stomach multiple times, not keeping count of each new wound I’d inflicted. I only saw the gashes and the blood with each new puncture, and his limp body slipping further and further away as the seconds went by.
His body a limp doll in the chair, barely breathing anymore. I’d wondered if I’d actually killed him. But how do you kill what’s already dead? You don’t. You can only shake up whatever fragments he has left, existing in the dark world he came from, and inflict a pain you’d always wanted to inflict upon him.
I stood tall, towering over my mother’s murderer sitting in that chair and I watched him bleed out, almost ruining the perfect symbol I’d cut into his chest. I stared for a long time. For how long, I do not know.
I then heard a new banging from the other metal door, and it brought me back to my senses. I focused my thoughts to listen. It wasn’t the Watcher I was hearing.
“Evika, stop! Stop right now!” Hayden’s yells boomed and echoed through the warehouse. I shut my eyes tightly, realizing that my breathing had been extremely heavy. Hayden ran to my side, but I didn't remove my gaze from the limp, bleeding Anton.
I was angry that he’d found me so soon, but completely satisfied that he’d been too late anyway. He’d missed the show. I’d done what I needed to do. My breathing evened out, and I felt a wave of calm flow through my body.
“Don't. Touch. Me.” I annunciated my words to him, realizing his hand had been raised in midair, not yet touching me. I knew what he was going to try to do, and it infuriated me. I made a disgusted look at my mother's killer. “You’re too late. I'm done here anyway.” I said impassively.
“What have you done?” I felt Hayden looking at me and didn't even care if I had disgusted him, lost him, scared him. I knew I'd care later, but I'd gotten my fix and that was all that mattered to me right then.
Instead of putting up a fight, I did the only thing I could think of. I retrieved the three knives from Anton’s body and dropped them, dripping and all, at Hayden's feet. They clunked against the cement floor and made an echo throughout the room. The weapons of horror.
“I'm done here,” I said apathetically. “He looks dead now anyway.”
I then walked to the furthest door, opposite from the side on which the Watcher still howled, and crawled through whatever make-shift hole Hayden had made to get in. The cool, night air hit my face and I breathed it in. The clean, fresh air. It was all I needed to bring me back. The impact of all that I'd just done enveloped my mind and I started to run down the gravel path along the building. Shortly after I'd started running, I heard him behind me.
“Stop!” he yelled to me.
I kept running, tears pouring from my eyes and raindrops piercing my face.
“Evika, stop running!” he yelled as he got closer behind me. I felt him on my heels now and had almost forgotten why I'd even started to go anywhere. I slowed down a bit only because I could feel my legs wanting to give out on me.
“Stop. Dammit!” He was close and grabbed my hoodie, yanking it back, then tackled me to the ground. We'd rolled together into the grass clearing a few feet from the gravel path. We eventually stopped rolling and landed with Hayden straddling over me.
“Get off me!” I cried, pushing at his chest as I tried to roll away.
He made it a point to grab my wrists and pin my arms down next to my head. I huffed as I knew what would be coming. I awaited the calm I'd be feeling any moment, but it never came.
“What the hell were you thinking back there, huh!? Did you think I wouldn't find out? Do you even know what you could have done?” He yelled with such fury.
“I don't care, Hayden!” I screamed at him, attempting to lift my head from the ground. It ached to even try. As I screamed at him, a new seal of tears was broken and I let them fall freely from my eyes. “Get! Off! Me! You should have seen this coming!”
He squeezed my wrists in anger and pressed them with more force into the grass. “I almost lost you today, Evika! Do you even know the damage that this could have caused? I have every right to be furious with you. You promised me you wouldn't open that damn castor and you did it anyway! What would have happened had I not gotten there at that moment? Were you going to cut him again? Christ! And I told you that we would figure this out together, and you defy me anyway?”
I knew this moment would come, and it finally did. I felt the guilt of what I'd done. I'd felt the pain I'd caused Hayden. I'd broken his trust and he was furious with me. My wrists were hurting under his grip, but I was afraid to say anything. Every part of me hurt, but my heart hurt the worst.
“I'm sorry!” I yelled through my tears. “I'm sorry! He took her from me, Hayden! I'll never get her back! He deserved everything I did to him and I hope the Watcher took him back because I'll never save him! Ever! If I created another Phantom, I don’t care!” The desperation in my voice was apparent. “I won’t save him, no matter what the Council says.” My yells dimmed to a whimper.
I'd never seen Hayden breathe so heavily before and it was then that I knew, I hadn't felt his calming effects because he was enraged himself. I had caused him to get so angry that he couldn't even control my anger, let alone his own. He released my wrists while glaring at me, then knelt down on one knee, resting his elbow on the other knee and holding his hand to his face.
This instilled fear in me. I'd never seen him so upset and out of control and he'd never hurt me before. I feared that I'd done something worse than I'd even imagined before planning my little scheme. What had I done? Was this the end for me? Would my gift be ripped away from me? Would Hayden be taken from me as my Guardian or would he choose to give up on me and leave? I'd become so fragile in that moment and I felt it. I knew I'd changed somehow. I wasn't myself and I had no idea if I was ever coming back. I'd lost myself in this darkness that enveloped me and persuaded my mind to do the worst things possible. The thoughts I would have never carried out into actions were somehow coaxed into a reality. I'd become a darkness to this world. I looked to the sky and let all the pain claim me as the rain fell hard on my skin. I felt the hurt, inside and out.
There was very little light, but the moon lit the night sky so brightly that night, enough that I could see my now-free hands. They were red and sticky, bathed in the blood of my mother’s murderer. And in real life, I’d become the same; a murderer, a monster...just like the man I hated.
“Oh, God.” I was frantic. And I felt sick. I whirled my body around to hunch over my knees as I felt my insides rise up and spew all over the grass. There was no fair warning.
I heard a faint “shit” from behind me and felt my hair being pulled back and away from the line of fire. I coughed up whatever contents were left from my stomach, hating that every feeling I had was a different layer of disgust with myself. I sat back onto the grass, feeling dizzy, but still in a panic.
“Hayden!” I cried. “Please talk to me. I'm scared of what's happening to me.” My vision blurred as my eyes filled with tears again. “Please, just say something,” I pleaded.
I waited a few moments, unsure of what his next move would be. I was afraid to glance in his direction. Afraid to even move or speak anymore. And then he finally spoke.
“It's over, Evika.” His words pierced through me deeper than my blade had cut through Anton's skin. It was gut-wrenching to hear those words. My spine straightened.
“What do you mean it's over?” I panicked. “You're leaving me now?” I rose to my knees and knelt next to him. “Hayden, please. I don't know who I am without you. You can't leave me like this.” I grasped onto the first thing I could and got
the leather collar of his jacket. His head whirled around to face me and his expression was that of confusion. He studied my face.
“What? Evika, I may be angry with you, but I'm not leaving you. How could you think such a thing?” He looked me over once again. The anger in his face and his voice was subsiding, which relieved me. I could breathe again.
“I'm referring to Anton,” he said. “This is all over. You don't have to save him. He's to go back to his imprisonment with Alysto.” He shook his head at the thought of what he said next. “Somehow, he stole that castor from the next Seeker in line. It wasn't even his turn to come to you. There was a quarrel over that castor and that is why it was in such bad condition. There must have been some sort of fight over it. Luka and I investigated while you were sleeping. It was a flaw. We think that Alysto sent one of his Drones to coax Anton Carter into doing it, but we're not entirely sure.”
My head sank. I would have to tell him. He would have to know the truth. The Council was not completely made up of perfect angels at all, and he needed to know that there was more than just one enemy among us.
I looked over at him, tears spilling when I remembered what Anton told me. “My mother’s death was a set-up, Hayden.”
He froze. “A set-up? How do you know this?” I looked at him, and I could see the dread wash over him, his shoulders lowering. “Carter told you.”
I nodded slowly. “It was arranged.” I blinked hard. “There was an agreement, a bribe, to...to k-kill my mom, Hayden.” I squeezed my eyes shut for a second before I told him the rest. “And then Anton was promised salvation after death.”
It hurt to say it. That stabbing feeling in my chest, although a common feeling I’d had ever since she’d been murdered, always felt worse than the last. A new wound strategically sliced open to reveal a brand new part of me that hadn’t quite been maimed by the pain and sadness. All over again. My tears spilled over and my vision was compromised.
“Oh God, Evika.” Hayden reached for me, pulling me to him. “I’m so sorry.” My face mashed into the soft cotton of the t-shirt he wore under that leather. I could feel the tears drip and get absorbed by the material, my eyes staying shut. I could hear the sound of the raindrops pelting against his jacket. A heavy rainfall I knew I’d caused, but didn’t care.
“Idle hands are the devil’s tools,” Hayden mumbled, narrowing his eyes, his lips taught. “Alysto will pay for this. I promise you.”
I deflated. He immediately pinned it on the most obvious of culprits. But he was so wrong. So very wrong. My heart ached as I felt him tighten his embrace of me like a vice. Knowing I’d have to confess to Hayden that I knew much more than I’d just revealed and how I believed Anton so easily in the first place tore at me like a machete.
“Hayden,” I whimpered hardly audibly, as if I was hoping he’d not hear me. “I have to tell you something.” He stared at me expectantly.
“It wasn’t Alysto, or a Drone. It was Jericho.”
Hayden raised an eyebrow. “What?” He didn’t want to believe me. “How do you know this?”
“Carter admitted it to me. He said it was Jericho.”
He held a blank stare. “How can that be?”
“I told you there was something wrong with that one. He’s not like the rest of you.”
Hayden shook his head. “But I don’t understand. Why would he do such a thing?”
It was the perfect opportunity to tell him I knew much more than what Anton Carter had told me. I knew Jericho’s relationships ran deeper than just his angel kind. The rogue in him had befriended the devil, and then the devil met me. I knew there was a much bigger picture I could have painted for Hayden just then, but the words were never spilled as long as my fear was there to stop them. Hayden was too fragile now to know more truth – to know the devil was trying to claim me into the darkness with him.
And with the looming threat from Alysto, promising he could end Hayden so quickly – just the mere thought of losing my angel over unnecessary matters gave me a new sickness to my stomach all over again. I looked at Hayden, sitting there still bewildered by the tragic truth. Why did he choose to be fragile? Why did he choose to become what Jericho said he’d never become? Why was human his choice?
“Why did you do it?” I blurted, almost shocking myself, avoiding further confessions of my own. “Why did you Fade for me so soon?” I’d said it aloud, having only thought of it that very instant. I didn’t mean to throw the words at him quite like I did, or to interrupt his monologue. But then I realized what truly upset me about his Fading had to be said. “Why would you give up immortality so quickly when there is so much danger in your doing it?”
He sighed, taking a step closer. His voice wasn’t as sharp anymore when he spoke. “Other than my very reasons I just told you, there was more danger in my not Fading for you.”
I looked at him incredulously, wiping my eyes clean with my sleeves. “What do you mean?”
“I know it may seem like I couldn’t have picked a worse time to Fade. But I assure you, there’s good reason.” He sighed, pausing to look me square in the eyes. He was searching them. Whatever it was he was looking for didn’t seem hard to find, and he didn’t hold back on his honesty. “You do these things, Evika – you completely defy all boundaries, all rules set in place to keep you safe. It literally forces all of us to change our plans.”
I pursed my lips, not sure I could believe what he was confessing. And it stung. “So, you mean because of who I am, you’re forced to technically make a choice against your will?” I threw my hands in the air. “That’s what every girl wants to hear.”
“No. It’s not like that at all.” Hayden reached for my hand, gently turning it palm side down to look at the ring. “I’ve always known I was going to Fade for you, Evika. I promise you - that’s a given.” He shrugged. “I just never thought it would be this soon.”
I looked at him inquisitively, waiting for him to elaborate. Hayden looked at me, a half-smile forming on his lips.
“It’s nearly impossible to protect you as easily as the others were protected.” He laughed lightly. “You’re a magnet for occasional disaster and, while I’m aware there may be advantages to having wings and being immortal, being bound to you in human form seemed like the better of the two choices in the long run.” His face went grim as he looked back at the abandoned warehouse, then up above us to the dark, ominous clouds.
I narrowed my eyes in thought. “I don’t understand.” I finally looked at him again. “Why would our binding be safer than your staying my Guardian? Staying invincible?”
He sighed and waited a long moment before answering. “Because I fear that one of these days, you’re going to take it a step too far. And if I lose you in any way that hinders me from being able to be with you. . . I’d never forgive myself.”
I finally understood. This was about the binding. The binding of a Faded angel and a human in love. It was the one thing my father regretted never having done with my biological mother, Lavinia. She was his Guardian, and a human sickness took her life during her transition – the most critical time for a Fading angel.
“Just like my father never forgave himself.”
Hayden nodded slowly. “I saw what your father went through. I vowed I’d always protect you forever, Evika. But, believe it or not, being a Guardian has its limits. As soon as we are bound, we’d never lose each other, no matter what.”
He ran his hand through his hair, pausing for a moment. “What becomes of you if you put yourself in so much danger that it takes you completely from this world? Completely away from me? Binding is the only way I can guarantee your safety, no matter where you are, no matter what realm you are in.” He sighed, a nervous laugh escaped his throat. “Especially when you go off and do this kind of shit.”
I folded my arms and shook my head. “Or maybe turning human is just a faster way to get yourself killed, Hayden. Then you’d be gone forever. Did you ever think about asking me first?” I said.
/> “Oh, like you asked me before stealing Anton’s castor, driving all the way out here, and going bat-shit crazy on him to get a little revenge? Completely knowing that you could be creating a whole new Phantom with that Watcher on your tail the whole night?”
I huffed and dropped my arms to my sides. He was right. God. He was totally right.
Hayden looked at me with pursed lips, studying me in that moonlight and shaking his head. “You have no boundaries at all, do you?” It was a rhetorical question. We both knew the answer to that one.
He brushed most of my tears away with his thumbs, the way he always did. It made me cry more to know that he still accepted me and that he still cared for me even after what I could have done. I was such a mess at this point. Everything seemed so surreal and all I wanted was for him to scoop me up with the effortlessness of his strength to take me home. All I wanted was home. Hayden was my home. He then opened his arms waiting for me to crawl into his lap. I could have died at that moment and been happy. His arms wrapped around me, then my arms around his. I inhaled the leather of his jacket and it calmed me instantly, but I still clutched tighter to his arms.
“You make it nearly impossible for me to follow the rules anymore, Evika,” he said. “It’s as if I almost have to break them all myself in order to keep up with you. One day, I’m going to wake up and find you’ve run off again, just like tonight, and unless we are bound, I won’t be able to bring you back.”
There it was. The cold, hard truth smacking me mercilessly in the face with all its might. Hayden broke his wings for more than just wanting to become human and live a life with me, he’d intended on staying my protector should we ever get separated by the worst possible scenario – death. And prior to the decision to do so, I’d already set up the fate of his decision to Fade without even knowing I had done so. In the end, whatever happened, it would be my fault. I had to protect him now. And in doing so, I’d be protecting Jaxon as well. Decisions couldn’t be made so hastily anymore.
