“I just wish I knew what went wrong. I thought they liked me for this and now I don't... I don't know what I did wrong, you know?” Except Connor probably didn't know. His career was very different from what Ashley had planned for hers.
“Maybe you didn't do anything wrong,” Connor suggested. “Maybe they just… decided they didn't have the position that they thought they did.” Except, Ashley knew that wasn't how this kind of job worked . “I don't think you should blame yourself when you didn't do anything wrong.” He looked so seriously concerned, pulling Ashley closer and settling his hand against her waist.
“If you did well enough to get this job in the first place, isn't that a good sign that someone else will hire you?” He opened his mouth, as if to continue, and then stopped. “I don't know much about how PR works,” he admitted. “I know it's important to you, as a career, and I get that. Is it important you get this job over any other?”
Ashley didn’t really think she had the strength to continue this conversation. She got that Connor wanted to be supportive, but he just didn’t get it . Yeah, he had worked hard to play for the NHL but it wasn’t comparable to getting a job in the real world. To Connor it clearly seemed as easy as ‘just get another job’ and Ashley didn’t think she could explain how it wasn’t that easy.
“It was important to me,” Ashley said, finally, her voice sounding as defeated as she felt. There was nothing she could do. The company that Ashley had wanted to work for didn’t want her and that was that. It felt like such a massive blow, but apart from maybe figuring out why they no longer wanted her to work there, Ashley couldn’t do anything else.
Wiping her face with the back of her hand, Ashley gave Connor a weak smile. “You want to watch some animal documentaries?”
Connor seemed to take a long time to reply, as if he were searching for the right words to say. Ashley would have helped, but in this situation, if there were right words, she had no more idea what they were than Connor seemed to.
“Yeah,” he agreed, finally. “And I'll stay tonight, and make you breakfast in the morning. Hopefully, things won't feel so bad once you've slept on them.” That made Ashley smile. She moved across the couch to cuddle into Connor. He was doing a great job of making her feel better, even if the upset wasn’t going away completely.
Things didn’t look as bad the following day, but they didn’t feel great either. It helped a lot to have Connor’s support, even if Ashley could tell that he didn’t quite know what to say. She still appreciated that he’d come over, that he’d tried . Having left Connor in bed with a note for when he woke up, Ashley headed over to the Howlers’ rink.
Scott had been nothing but helpful and nice to Ashley since this thing with Connor had started, and as far as she could tell he was very good at his job. Ashley was hopeful that he might be able to advise her on what could’ve gone wrong with the new job.
The rink wasn’t very busy so early in the morning, mostly because the team wasn’t having a morning skate that day. Tex, the security guy, recognized Ashley giving her a smile and a ‘good morning’ before opening the door for her. It was... nice. Ashley could definitely see how the team - including everyone who worked for them - acted like they were family.
Knowing her way to Scott’s office, Ashley didn’t need to stop until she was there. She took a deep breath before knocking. Thankfully, Scott was in, calling out for whoever knocked to just come in. He looked up from whatever paperwork he was working on, giving a surprised ‘oh’ when he saw Ashley.
“Sorry, I thought it was one of the guys. I’m waiting for Ricky to show up and ask me to fix his Twitter mess,” Scott sighed in a way that Ashley assumed only a PR manager for an NHL team could.
“No, just me. I won’t keep you long,” Ashley promised. Scott shook his head, assuring her she could keep him as long as she wanted, which made Ashley smile.
Taking a seat, she gave a soft sigh, which prompted Scott to frown. “Is this about Connor? I thought you guys were doing well?”
“We are,” Ashley rushed to assure. “It’s not about Connor.” It really wasn’t, which briefly made Ashley wonder if maybe she shouldn’t have been here at all. She only knew Scott because of Connor. Maybe she shouldn’t be coming to him for work-related advice. But then, Scott had always been very nice and he didn’t seem like he minded when she told him it wasn’t about Connor.
Ashley just felt a bit shaken up by everything that had happened. She recognized herself as being on edge about things right now. “It’s about my job in Dallas,” she explained.
“Oh yeah! Did Connor send them the reference?”
The question took Ashley by surprise and she frowned. Seeing her expression, Scott clarified, “I told him they’d asked, and he suggested that he should write one since the two of you had been working closely. I know it’s a bit weird because you’re also now dating, but I figured that’d just make him say nicer things, right?”
Ashley did get the logic but she also... Connor wouldn’t have said bad things about her. There was no reason why he would’ve done that. It wasn’t logical and Ashley was really struggling to figure out how to make sense of it.
“They withdrew the offer,” Ashley said almost dumbly and Scott’s eyes widened.
“What?” At least he sounded genuinely as shocked about it as Ashley had been when she’d received the call. It didn’t take Scott long to start wondering about the same thing Ashley was. She could tell by how his expression changed. “You don’t think that Connor...” But the way Scott stopped talking implied that he too thought that maybe Connor.
“I need to go,” Ashley said getting up.
“Ashley,” Scott stood, too. “I can try to give them a call.” Ashley was sure that, like her, Scott knew these sorts of positions got filled almost before they emptied. It was a kind offer but not one that would bring any sort of a result.
“Thanks, Scott, but no, don’t call them. It’s... it’s too late,” Ashley shrugged. And yeah, it hurt, but she was almost too preoccupied to think about how upset she was, her thoughts constantly returning to Connor. “Thanks again for all your help,” she added almost in a daze before making her way back to her car.
Ashley sat in her car for a while after she got back to the apartment block. Connor would probably be awake by now, making breakfast just as he’d promised. She could imagine it so easily. It would’ve warmed her heart if Ashley wasn’t also so anxious about what she needed to ask Connor. The anxiety mixed in with anger, with such a deep sense of loss that Ashley almost didn’t know what to do with it.
Except the obvious answer was to challenge Connor on it. Maybe it was just silly. Maybe there was another explanation. Ashley even entertained the idea that maybe he had accidentally said the wrong thing. Connor was certainly capable of such a mistake.
But then, Ashley glanced down at her soulmark, the letters so clear against her skin as they spelled out ‘Connor’.
Somehow that seemed to add fuel to Ashley’s anger. She slammed her car door before heading inside the building.
As she’d expected, Ashley found Connor in the kitchen. He turned to smile at her, but Ashley was on a mission. She had no time for smiles and certainly no time to appreciate how Connor was making them blueberry pancakes.
“I went to see Scott this morning, ask him for advice about what might’ve gone wrong with this job in Dallas,” Ashley told Connor. She wanted to make absolutely sure that he knew why she going to ask him about it. “He said you wrote me a reference.” Her tone was icily cold and Ashley could see Connor’s body still.
“Are you the reason they don’t want to employ me anymore, Connor?”
She almost didn't need to hear him answer. Connor was not a very good liar - she could see guilt in the slight hunch of his shoulders, the way his eyes darted to either side of her face like he couldn't bear to look her straight in the eyes.
Still, Ashley waited, and she could see the dawning defeat in Connor's expression when he realized sh
e was going to make him answer.
“I thought-” Connor began before he stopped. “I thought if you got another job, you wouldn't have to go so far away.”
The answer really hurt.
Yes, Ashley had anticipated it. All the clues led to this. But she had hoped that maybe she’d misread it. Or even that maybe Connor didn’t know he’d done something wrong. But the expression on his face, as much as his words... Connor knew. Not only did he know, but he had intentionally ruined Ashley’s chances at something she had wanted to do.
It took her a moment to manage to speak again, the blood in her body running ice cold before just as quickly turning fiery hot. The anger flashed through her so fast. Ashley felt it was lucky she didn’t have something to throw at a wall right that second.
“How fucking dare you !” She shouted, voice echoing around them. “This was not your decision to make!”
Connor's eyes widened. She could see something shift in him, the guilt falling away and his posture moving into something more defensive. “I want you to actually be around ,” he replied. He wasn't quite shouting, but his voice was nearly as loud as Ashley's had been. “You'd have been moving hours away, I'd never have seen you!”
The explanation - reason? - seemed to only add fuel to Ashley’s anger. It wasn’t good enough . “You knew how much this mattered to me! This was my chance to get my career started, to get on the right path,” Ashley accused. The sheer arrogance of Connor presuming that he could choose for her, it angered her so much that briefly, Ashley struggled for more words.
The pause didn’t last very long, though.
“And yesterday you watched me cry! You watched me question what I did wrong when all along you knew it wasn’t me. You weren’t going to even tell me! You were just going to let me question my own fucking abilities when it’s not me , it’s you !” Ashley accused. “Is this some sort of a sick fucking game for you?”
It was one thing to lose her job, but it was a very different thing to know that Connor had made sure Ashley lost her job.
“Of course not!” Connor shot back. For whatever it was worth, he did look as though the idea shocked him. “You never wanted to think about what it would be like for me with you halfway across the country! You were so sure it would be fine , that we could just use the phone as if that would be enough.”
“I never wanted to think about it? What, now you can read my mind?!” Ashley shouted. Of course , she thought about what it'd be like, how much she'd miss Connor and how much he might miss her. Staying optimistic had seemed a lot better than worrying about things she couldn't change. Except, of course, Connor had decided to change it for her.
Aside from everything else, Ashley found it so discouraging that Connor didn't even think they should bother trying a long-distance relationship. “If it hadn't worked, I would've considered coming back. I know that you can't just move with me, that you're tied into a contract. But you know what, Connor? At least I respect your career, which sure as shit is more than you clearly do for me.”
Connor was pacing, looking like the kitchen was too small to contain him. He only stopped to pull the ruined pancakes off the heat. “That's not fair,” he snapped. “I want you to have a job that you love. How was I supposed to know you'd have come back? You never said you would.”
It was true, Ashley hadn't said so. What Connor didn't seem to take responsibility for was that he hadn't asked . There was no way Ashley could have known how much he was worrying because he'd seemed to understand what Ashley had worked towards. It was a chilling thought to realize that he never had.
“Do you? Do you want me to have a job that I love? Because to me, it seems like you just want me to be here for you! I'm not going to be your fucking trophy wife, Connor!” Even the thought of it angered Ashley. It wasn’t until she’d voiced it out loud that Ashley realized how much that felt like what was happening. Like Connor was trying to control her life.
It took her a moment to compose herself, and then Ashley shook her head. “I’m not yours to keep, Connor. My career matters to me and I thought you understood that. I had a plan and I adjusted that plan to fit you in, but... that wasn’t good enough for you.”
That made him jerk his head up, his eyes flashing with irritation. “You adjusted it? What, by saying you could call and watch animal documentaries with me over FaceTime?” He scoffed, shaking his head. “That barely even counts as changing your plans.” He was talking faster, the words tumbling from him as he tried to defend his decision, like he wasn't sorry, even now.
“I don't want you not to work, and I want you to do something you like, but if seeing me one weekend every couple of months is enough for you, then -” He stopped, catching himself, but Ashley could guess what he'd been going to say.
“Then what?” She pushed anyway. As far as Ashley could tell, Connor felt like what he’d done was okay and it definitely wasn’t. She’d been so willing to give this a go, trusted that Connor understood her. Yeah, being apart would’ve been hard, but Ashley had honestly thought they could do it. It hurt to think that Connor hadn’t, and rather than talking to her, he’d decided he could take her choices away from her.
Shaking her head, Ashley waved a hand at Connor. “You know what? Don’t bother answering that. I can tell that you still don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. That this was something you could choose for me. But you know what, Connor? Fuck you .”
There was nothing else to it. He was selfish and he was egoistic. Ashley didn’t matter. Connor had made that pretty clear in both his actions and his absolute lack of regret. She just didn’t have room in her life for someone who could care so little for her.
“Just leave,” she said, shaking her head.
“What?” Connor sounded so dumb-founded, like he'd really believed that this was just a fight, something they could get over. It almost made him seem like he really was as stupid as Ashley knew he feared people thought him.
“I didn't mean to choose for you,” he continued, with an edge of nervous tension in his voice now that hadn't been there before. “I thought there would be other jobs, and if you made one plan, you could make another one that would be just as good. Better, even.”
“But you did decide for me. You could’ve talked to me, but instead, you went behind my back and told a job I worked so hard to get not to hire me .” And what stung about that, alongside everything else, was that Ashley knew Connor must’ve told them she was bad at it. Bad at doing PR when ironically that was the reason they’d gone into this whole thing in the first place.
Ashley couldn’t help but wonder if this was at least partially her fault. If she had asked Connor how he really felt, or if she had just decided to stay in Madison, but Ashley also knew that it wasn’t her fault. She couldn’t let herself take the blame when it was Connor’s to carry. That would be even more unfair.
“I thought you understood it. Understood me. I thought you got how much this job meant to me. But you don’t. You only care about you and... I don’t want to always come second to you , Connor. Coming second to hockey, I get. That’s part of who you are. Coming second to you, though? That’s unfair.”
Ashley deserved more, she deserved better . And soulmate or not, Connor wasn’t the right person for her if he didn’t see that.
“Of course I care about you!” Connor insisted hotly. “That's why I didn't want you to move away, because you -” He stopped, catching himself and starting again. “Because we make each other happy.” He didn't sound as sure as Ashley knew he would've done a week ago. Maybe he was right to doubt it. They certainly weren't making each other happy right now.
“If you stay, we can be together,” he said. “Not just once or twice a month. We can have a real relationship, figure out if we are soulmates.”
If she stayed.
But Connor had gotten rid of Ashley’s option to leave, hadn’t he? Sure, she could move home, but that was about it. Moving without having a job might be a luxury someone playing NHL hocke
y might afford, but it certainly wasn’t one a normal person could afford.
Ashley had also felt that this was a real relationship, that like adults they could try to make things work before deciding that they didn’t. The whole thing was making her question whether she even knew Connor.
“We can’t have a real relationship. A real relationship means talking to each other, making sure we look out for each other. It doesn’t mean going behind the other person’s back and ruining something they worked really hard for.” Ashley just felt so defeated by this.
It kind of hurt that all she’d done was prove herself right - soulmates weren’t a good thing - if Connor even was her soulmate.
“Just go,” she said, shaking her head and waving her hand towards the door. “I want you to go and I don’t want you to come back.” This wasn’t going to work, and it felt too real at this point.
When Connor tried to speak again, Ashley shook her head. “No,” she stopped him. “I just want you to leave, Connor. I don’t want to see you again.” And yeah, that hurt to say, but right now Ashley couldn’t imagine a time she wouldn’t be angry and so fucking devastated by what he’d done.
It took Connor a moment. When he finally did leave, the door softly closing behind him, Ashley sat down where she’d been standing.
As the tears came, all Ashley could think of was how it really, really sucked when your soulmate broke your heart.
Chapter Eleven
The door of Connor’s car slammed closed. For good measure, he thumped his fist hard against the steering wheel. He was so angry with Ashley. The things she’d accused him of were so unfair . Connor knew that he cared about her, more than he’d ever cared for any of his other girlfriends. For Ashley to just dismiss that and send him away hurt so badly that the anger was easier for Connor to focus on.
He’d realized, when Ashley had cried to him about losing the job, that it had been more important to her than he’d thought. By then it had been too late. Connor had tried to convince her - and himself - that there would be other jobs, jobs that were just as good. He still half-believed it. Ashley hadn’t even been willing to look .
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