“No?” He looks at me and shakes his head. “I think you made it pretty clear that you do, darlin’.” He clasps his hands together and then looks down at them. “I can’t really blame you. That day was fucked up. You were drugged, men killed. Fuck, we lost Adam. One fuck of a lot for a citizen like you to deal with.” He pauses then looks at me. “Guess I wasn’t thinking that way at the time. Just saw you going as a kind of betrayal.”
I had left at the very worse time. I worry at my lip as I suddenly understand how much I’d hurt him.
“I hated you, Ella. As much as anything, you’d hurt my pride, but I can’t hate you anymore. The life isn’t for you, I should never have claimed you. I got carried away. I thought I saw a strong woman, but maybe I was wrong.”
Now it’s my eyes that fill with tears, and I can no longer look at him. There’s so much pent-up emotion inside, I can’t stop it from coming out. I sink down on the couch beside him, my face falls into my hands as I start crying. Huge body-wracking sobs that make him take me into his arms. Immediately I start fighting, struggling to get away, but he doesn’t let me loose. Automatically, my hands clutch at his cut, but as I gulp in air, the smell of leather and oil invade my senses, and it’s too much. My arms start flailing as panic overtakes me.
But he won’t let me go. As I continue struggling, his arms tighten around me until I give up. As my tears flow, he begins rocking me like a baby, holding me without speaking for as long as it takes. When my sobs begin to slow, he starts murmuring quietly that everything’s going to be okay, when I know that it won’t. Nothing will ever be okay, ever again.
“Hush, darlin’. You don’t need to come to the club. I’ll get Mouse to come here. Don’t worry about it. We’ll sort out whatever the fuck’s up with your sister. Hush, don’t cry, sweetheart. It will be alright.”
My fingers grip onto his leather. My mouth moves as words I never dreamed I’d utter aloud try to escape. I choke them back, not wanting to admit it, not understanding what triggers my confession, why what I’d kept buried so deep starts tumbling out. And once I say it, I know I’ll never be able to put it back in the box.
“They made me pull a train,” I cry out, surprising myself with my declaration. The secret I’d never admitted before.
He stills and goes silent. Under my touch I feel his muscles tense. It’s only a few seconds but feels like a lifetime before he spits out, “Fuckin’ what?”
Now that I’ve started there’s no point keeping anything back. “The Rock Demons… All their club. One after the other…” I’m crying again, howling in my anguish at my shocking admission. Sliding out of his arms I fall onto the floor, curling up into a ball. I’m shuddering and shaking. He tries to lift me, and I scream, pushing him away. Like a physical pain, the hurt goes right through me, the memories returning of things I’d tried to block out.
“Ella, Ella, sweetheart. Oh fuck, Ella. Let me hold you, let me help you.”
The tears just won’t stop. I don’t know what’s happening to me, it’s hard to get my breath. It’s feels like I’m choking, as though I’m being strangled. I gasp and wheeze, my sobbing unstoppable. It goes on and on with no respite.
“Drum. I need Doc here, at Ella’s. Yeah, I’ll give you the address. She’s just told me the fuckin’ Rock Demons pulled a fuckin’ train on her.”
I’m barely able to hear him, but he sounds distraught.
I can’t stop bawling or shaking as though I’m having a fit. I curl up tighter when he touches me, flinching away. I hear wailing and I think it’s coming from me. My throat feels sore and I attempt to heave in breaths with large gulps, unable to get sufficient air into my lungs.
I come round to find myself lying on my bed. My eyes seem glued shut but my hearing still works and the sound of voices speaking quietly reaches me. “The motherfuckers, Drum. I didn’t even fuckin’ know. She’s been living with this and she never fuckin’ told me. No wonder she doesn’t like being touched.”
“They’re dead, Slick. We blew up the clubhouse with them in it.”
“Not all of them. Two of the fuckers escaped. I want to find out who they are. I want to kill them, Drum.”
“I hear you, Slick. I hear you.”
“How am I gonna make this fuckin’ right, Drum?”
“Doc, she gonna be okay?”
“I’ve given her a sedative. She’s gonna need help and counselling. Keeping something like that to herself? It’s probably been brewing a while, Slick. Your coming back around probably brought it to a head. She’s got to start dealing with it. Keeping it hidden isn’t helping.”
Making more of an effort, I try again to open my eyes, remembering how I’d lost it. Raising my hand, I rub at the lids, knowing it’s my dried tears which are keeping them shut.
“Darlin’.”
At last I manage to get them open and look up to see Slick hovering by my bed, his face looking blotchy as though he’s been crying himself.
He’s wearing a troubled expression and his hands are fluttering. “Darlin’, I wanna hold you. I don’t know what the fuck to do.”
Pulling myself into a sitting position, I hold out my arms to him. In seconds, he’s next to me on the bed, hugging me so tightly I can hardly breathe.
“Why didn’t you say anything, Ella? Why didn’t you tell us?” I glance over Slick’s shoulder to Drum, who’s also looking distressed, his hands worrying at his hair.
I need to give him an explanation. “I couldn’t talk about it. I wanted to lock it away so I didn’t have to even think about it.” My voice sounds hoarse. “I’m sorry, Slick, so sorry.”
“You’ve got fuck all to be sorry about, darlin’.” As a sob escapes him, I know he’s sharing my pain. Right now, I don’t know if it helps, this strong man being reduced to tears on my behalf.
Doc puts his hand on my shoulder, making me glance up into his kind but worried eyes. “Ella, did you get yourself checked out? Those fuckers raped you…”
Unable to meet his gaze, I glance quickly away. His question makes Slick tighten his hold. “Yeah. Once I’d healed, I got tests done. I knew I had to do that. They didn’t all use condoms. I got treatment.” Yeah, they’d given me something. I hadn’t bothered to find out what.
The three men growl at my admission and the additional information. Slick puts his hand under my chin, forcing my head up so I’m facing him. “We killed them all, Ella. You know that, don’t you?”
“What about the ones that got away? I heard what you said.” I can’t suppress a shudder at the thought of two of my rapists escaping.
“We’re going to hunt them down. Didn’t bother before now as they weren’t officers, but we’ll find out who they are, Ella, I promise you. And this time we’ll finish them off.”
“Make them hurt,” I whisper.
“We’ll do that alright,” Slick vows.
“You been struggling with this, darlin’?”
I answer Doc. “Panic attacks, trouble sleeping. Nightmares. They were getting better…”
“Until I fuckin’ came back.” Slick jumps to his own conclusion.
“Slick, it’s not your fault.”
“Fuck, it is, Ella. I should have come after you. Talked to you. Found out why you ran.” Slick’s eyes are glistening. “Instead, I left you to deal with it all on your own.”
“You need to see a doctor, get help, Ella. Maybe some anti-depressants and counselling.”
“Club will pay for whatever you need.”
I nod at Drum to thank him. There’s only one thing I need, and that’s impossible. Slick wouldn’t want a woman terrified of sex. Involuntarily my fingers tighten on Slick’s cut again.
“I’ve gotta get back.” The prez sounds apologetic.
“I’m staying here, Drum.”
I have to let go of the man I can’t have. “I’m alright now. You probably have stuff to do, Slick.”
“Not happening, darlin’. I’ll just see them out and I’ll be back, okay?”
He puts his hands on mine and reluctantly I release my hold on his cut. It’s only a couple of minutes before he’s back again. As I feared, he wants to talk.
“Never stopped loving you.” His arms come around me and he shifts us so he’s leaning against the headboard and I’m half lying across his lap. Stroking his fingers through my hair, he continues while I’m trying to process his admission. “Thought I hated you, but I was fooling myself. I want ya back as my ol’ lady.”
I pull away, turning my back, unable to look at the man that if circumstances were different, I’d give anything to be with. He loves me? But whether he does, or he doesn’t, or whether he ever did, it makes no difference now. “I can’t pick up where we left off, Slick. I can’t be your old lady.”
Chapter Nine
Slick…
I’d known the bastards had handled her roughly, and that at least one of them had probably forced her, and that had made me angry enough. When I’d collected her from the motherfucking Demons’ clubhouse that morning she’d been injured and hurting, but we’d only called in Doc to look at her ribs. She hadn’t given any indication anything else was wrong.
Ignorant of just how badly she’d been treated, I’d thought the best thing to do was give her time to heal and come to terms with what had happened. I’d been certain Jill would have told her what to expect. Hell, I’d tried to as well. As prepared as she could be, she’d gone into that club with her eyes open, just like any sweet butt, knowing she was there for one thing only, to be fucked.
That night, as I waited outside in that car, thoughts of what she was going through were swirling around my head. I’d hated it. Already wishing I’d acted on the strange possessive feelings that were screaming at me, that I didn’t want any other fucker to touch her, particularly not one from a rival club. But equally knowing my brothers came before any bitch. We needed someone to place those fucking cameras, and all we had was her. We’d used her, just like we used the whores at the compound.
I remember asking myself, why was I worrying about some bitch I’d only just met? Even as I sat waiting, I argued with myself. I was Slick. I never wanted a woman for my own. I denied my own leanings and bottled them up, refusing to believe I felt anything for her at all. I’d known what she was walking into and didn’t do fuck all to stop her. When she’d walked out the next morning, I knew immediately I’d done everything wrong. I should never have let her take one step into that club.
When she’d appeared, damaged and broken, a blast of unexpected and such strong emotion told me I couldn’t avoid or hide it anymore. Those motherfuckers had dared to touch what was mine. With thoughts in my head they were going to die, I’d claimed her that morning. It was too late to undo what was already done, but I vowed there and then, no man was ever going to lay their hands on my woman, ever again.
Now as it turns out I never even knew the half of it. Of course it was obvious what had happened in that club there had shaken her, as well as physically hurt her. But what they had done was worse than I ever could have imagined.
Fuck. If any of us had had even an inkling of how she was going to be treated, we’d have found some other darn way to get eyes and ears into that club. She was damaged, and scared, so while claiming her as my old lady I offered her space and time to recover, telling myself I wasn’t going to push for anything more until she was ready.
But I’m just a man, and she’s a beautiful woman. Growing tired of waiting, I’d become impatient. My timing so poor, happening just before Sophie’s protagonist had found her again, and all went to shit at the club. That very morning I’d started to persuade her, making suggestions about her doing more than just sleeping in my bed. I’m now not surprised that she’d run. I went too far and too quickly. If only I’d known the truth at the time, I would have done things so differently.
The motherfuckers made her pull a train.
I never dreamed what had happened had been so devastating. Right now, I’m not sure how I’m managing to control myself, keeping my rage locked deep inside so I don’t scare her further. I’m actually pleased two Rock Demons escaped when we blew up their clubhouse. The idea of having someone left alive to kill is at least helping me keep it together. And find them I will. Drum’s already gone to get Mouse tracking them down.
“I was going too fast for you, wasn’t I, darlin’?”
“Slick, there’s no speed you could have gone which would have been slow enough.” Her little hand fists and lightly hits me in my chest over and over as if she’s trying to get rid of her frustration. “After what happened, I don’t want any biker, even you, to hurt me like that again.”
She’s shocked me. “I’d never hurt you.”
“Jill told me all bikers like it rough.”
She was frightened of me. “Ella, babe. I can do gentle.” At least, I fucking hope I can.
“I don’t even want to try. I’m too scared, Slick. Look, just leave me be. I can never be a proper old lady for you.”
And there we have it. But she’s allowing me to give her comfort in my arms and that, if nothing else, must be a good place to begin. “We’ll start over. Take it as easy and slow as you want.” I remember telling her that before, but this time I’ll go at a fucking crawl.
“Slick, I can’t,” she wails. “The thought of sex with anyone makes me feel ill. Please, just leave me alone. I will get some help, but I don’t want to lead you on. It wouldn’t be fair to keep you waiting for something I won’t be able to give.”
I ignore her. “We’ll go on a date.” How the fuck do I do that? “Start really leisurely.”
“You’re a man, Slick, you’ve got needs. You’re better off fucking the club whores. I’m being honest here, I’ll never be what you want.” Her tightly clenched hand thumps me in the chest again. “It hurts me to think you’re getting, from people like Jill, what I can’t give you.”
My hand covers hers and I squeeze it strongly. “Give me a chance, El. Give me a chance and I promise I won’t fuck whores. Or anyone.”
“I can’t ask you do to that. What if I never…”
“I’ll wait for you, darlin’. And if you’re not ready, there’s always my hand.” Fuck, the promises I’m making here. Already my balls are aching wondering if I really could last. Am I really pledging to be celibate for a woman that, let’s admit it, I barely know?
That night we’d met, when I’d first entered this shabby house, there had been something about her. She had a spark, was clearly intelligent, and I’d thought even then I wanted her in the clubhouse, but not for the enjoyment of my brothers. No, I wanted her all to myself. A strange feeling when I’ve laughed at brothers keeping to one pussy before. She was so fucking brave to agree to do what we asked of her. It gutted me that I’d misled her about what she was walking into, even if I didn’t know at the time. Oh, I’d known they had a reputation as being a bit wild with their women and didn’t respect them the way the Devils do, but I hadn’t envisaged the level of debauchery to which they would go.
Even the thought that one or two had violated and hurt her was enough for me to feel no remorse when we blew up their fucking club. Now I know it was all the members, it’s bringing me to my fucking knees. My guilt in the part I played cementing my resolve. If keeping my dick dry is what it will take to put a smile back on her face, then my self-denial will be a small price to pay.
“We barely know each other, Slick. When you said you’d claimed me as your old lady…”
“I did it too fast and made you run.”
“You claimed me to get into my pants. You wanted to sleep with me.”
I can’t help but chuckle. “I hadn’t planned on there being much sleeping involved. But I’ll tell you the truth, darlin’. I didn’t want any of the brothers’ hands on you. I wanted you all to myself. If you’d told me, let me in and explained, I’d have gone so fuckin’ easy on you. I’d have been by your side and helped you to heal every step of the way.”
A little sniffle comes at my explanatio
n. I need to make this right, and I’ve no fuckin’ idea where to start. “I did everything wrong, darlin’. We never talked. Let’s start afresh and take time to get to know each other properly. Just conversation and that. No pressure. No rush. Are you up for that? Ella, babe, say you’ll come on a date with me, please? Give me a chance.”
She thinks for a moment, and I sigh with relief when her head dips in a tentative nod. I’d give anything to be able to kiss her, but even that step would be moving too fast. Already ideas are building in my head about showing her just how fucking slow I can take this. I’ll just have to work at keeping my dick under control.
As she snuggles into me, my hands stroke her hair. The repetitive action must be calming as gradually she falls back asleep. While I don’t want to leave her alone, I do need to get back to the clubhouse. When I hear the front door slam, I’m relieved, suspecting it’s her friend Tilly coming home. She’s a bitch I’ve not met before, so I want to check for myself that I’m leaving my woman, my woman, in safe hands. I ease myself out from under her, replacing my body with a plumped-up pillow and quietly leave her room, leaving her door slightly ajar in case she wakes and calls out.
Going along the short hallway, the woman, who I assume to be Tilly, comes into sight. She’s older than Ella—either that or has lived a much harder life. She glares when she sees me and halts, placing her hands on her hips.
“You the fucker that gave Bart his marching orders yesterday?” she sneers.
“He had his hands on my fuckin’ woman,” I growl. “Not gonna let any bastard get away with that. If you know what’s good for you, you won’t let him back in this house. Not while Ella’s here.”
She shrugs. “He’s coming around later to pick up his shit.”
Ella’s mine, and I’m going to do what I should have done before, make sure nothing can hurt her. I take my phone from my cut and select a number. It rings a couple of times.
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