by L.H. Cosway
I shifted closer, folding my arms. “That’s a good thing then. For him, I mean. No one should stay in a toxic relationship.”
“It’s an amazing thing,” Leanne replied. “I love James like he’s family, and I never thought Diana was good for him. There was always something about her that rubbed me the wrong way.”
I chewed my lip, concern for James bubbling up inside me. Losing his mum and breaking up with Diana all in the space of a few days was too much for one person to handle. His head was probably all over the place. I met Leanne’s gaze. “Do you think I should try to talk to him?”
She shrugged. “I mean, it couldn’t hurt. Just don’t be offended if he ignores you. Like I said, he’s been ignoring everyone. It’s bloody weird to see him like this. James has always been the nice one in the group.”
“Grief can do strange things to people,” I said.
“True. I just hope he’ll be okay. He’s going through a lot right now.”
I didn’t go to him right away. After a few minutes, he slowed down on the treadmill then finally stepped off. Steeling myself, I decided this could be a good moment to approach. I thought he might appreciate me acting normal since everyone was probably walking on eggshells around him.
“Hi, James. Do you need anything? There are some of those energy drinks you like in the fridge.”
He glanced at me as he pulled a towel around his neck, the muscles in his jaw moving in a strange way. He definitely wasn’t giving off his usual friendly vibe. It was like looking at a completely different person. Perhaps I should retreat. Abort mission.
I didn’t think he was going to reply and then finally he muttered, “No, thank you.”
“Oh, well, they’re there if you change your mind. Also, the other two bedrooms at the house are just about done, so that’s some good news.” Ugh, what was I saying? The house was the last thing James wanted to hear about, considering he’d bought the place as a surprise for Diana. But I just didn’t want to go the typical route and ask how he was feeling. Everyone was probably asking him the same thing and I bet he was sick and tired of hearing it.
His eyes came back to me, normally so cheerful and kind. Now they just seemed blank. “Can you stop talking? I’ve got a headache.”
Wow. Okay. James had never used such a harsh tone with me before. But then, I completely understood. If I were in his shoes right now, I’d be annoyed by everyone, too.
“Right, sorry,” I whispered and turned to walk away.
“You know it was fucking dumb to take the bus home on your own that night, don’t you?”
I frowned. The bus? It took me a second to realise he was talking about the night his mum died. I’d left his house and taken the bus back to the house. At the time I hadn’t thought much of it, but James clearly thought it was dangerous for me to travel on public transport alone at such a late hour. Or maybe he was just latching onto the issue, using it as a means to push me away. I turned back, my eyes sad, voice quiet. “You were with your family. I didn’t want to make a fuss.”
James stepped closer, so close I could smell his sweat mixed with his usual piney scent and something else, something that made my pores tighten in response. I knew his anger wasn’t meant for me. I just happened to be the person standing in front of him right then.
His eyes blazed down at me, full of pain and heartbreak. I just wanted to give him a hug, but I knew he wouldn’t appreciate it, not in his current mood anyway.
“You should’ve taken the car,” he said, his breath hitting my skin.
Why was his closeness so intoxicating? I knew he was simply hurting and using this subject as a means to vent frustration, but I couldn’t help the way my skin tingled at the feel of his warmth so near.
“I know, I’m sorry…”
“God, don’t apologise.” He ran a hand through his hair, looking frustrated. “Why do you always have to be around? I don’t want you in my face right now, Michaela.”
The way he said my name made my throat feel heavy. Was I always around? No, he hadn’t seen me in weeks. Maybe he just wanted to be alone and I was bothering him. “You’re right. I’ll leave you.” A sharp, stingy pain took up residence in my chest.
James heaved an exasperated sigh. “I’m sorry,” he breathed, rubbing the back of his head. “Look, forget I said anything.”
All of a sudden, he looked exhausted, and I really wished he’d let someone comfort him. Didn’t he realise how much we all adored him? True, I didn’t want him to realise I adored him, but I did want him to know I cared as a friend. He didn’t have to go through any of this alone.
“I need to get back to my workout,” he said, brushing by me.
“Sure, okay. I’ll, um, I’ll stay out of your way,” I replied, my voice little more than a whisper.
He glanced at me, like he was about to say something, but then turned away, his back to me. It was slightly hunched, like he carried the weight of the world. That was why he was acting like this. I was sure in any other circumstance, James would never speak to me like he did. Then again, Leanne had warned me he was out of sorts. It was my own fault my silly, sentimental heart couldn’t resist going to him in his time of need.
I was busy taking care of a few things around the gym when he appeared again. I stood in the small storage room, folding clean towels and putting them away when James filled the doorway. His tall frame took up almost the entire space.
“I’ll be moving into the house today,” he stated flatly.
My heart skipped a beat. “Oh,” I replied, stomach aflutter. “So, do you need me to pack up my things? I can go there now and—”
“No,” he cut me off. “I’ll still need you there. For the renovations.” A long pause, his eyes on the floor before he brought them to me. “I suppose you heard about Diana and me.”
I swallowed thickly. “Leanne mentioned it.”
James emitted a long, tired sigh. “We decided she should stay in the flat. I’ve been sleeping at Dad’s since the funeral, but I think he wants me out from under his feet. My sister still lives at home, so she’s going to take care of him.”
“That’s good. I guess it makes sense for you to move into the house. I know it’s far from finished, but it’s definitely liveable, and the back garden is so quiet and peaceful in the mornings. It’s a bit cold out this time of year, but I bet during the spring and summer, it’ll be a great place to sit and have breakfast on sunny days.” Stop rambling about the house. I needed to get a handle on my nerves.
Something softened in his eyes and it was a relief to see a glimmer of the real James, the one hiding behind all the grief and sadness.
He blew out a long breath, scratching the back of his neck. “I’m sorry for snapping at you earlier. I’m not myself.”
“Please don’t apologise. It’s totally understandable.”
His eyes were remorseful. “You’re the last person who deserves it. You’ve gone above and beyond for me.”
I took a step closer, trying to channel my dad. He always knew the right thing to say, always used just the right tone of voice to make people feel at ease. “I already told you, no apology necessary. Just take care of yourself, okay? Being kind to yourself during times like these is the most important thing.”
He held my gaze, and all I wanted to do was reach out and embrace him. I knew it’d only make things weird though.
“So, I’ll see you at the house then?” I said, and he nodded. The idea of sharing a living space with James was a little much for me, so I tried not to think about it and focus on other things. It was hard though, because my head kept wandering back to it.
James and me.
Me and James.
Under the same roof.
And he’d broken up with Diana.
This was like a surreal alternate reality, but I didn’t feel any kind of elation at their split. I cared more about his state of mind than my own selfish affection for him. I just wanted him to be okay, to feel better again, but I knew that
would take a long time. Leanne said Diana hit him. The very idea had my stomach in knots. Aside from Dad, James was the gentlest man I knew. He’d never raise his hand to a woman, so the thought of a woman raising her hand to him…I knew he’d just stand there and take it until she stopped. My throat wobbled with emotion just to think about it.
I reminded myself to keep my personal feelings out of it. I’d be a quiet, supporting force for James, and that was all. Over the course of my time working with him, he’d shown himself to be a person worthy of support. There were few truly noble people left in the world and James was one of them.
My mind wandered back to last summer, when I’d travelled to South Africa with the group to film Season Four of Running on Air. Without Diana there, James and I had the chance to get to know each other better, but I’d also discovered a deeper part of him. A part that was kind and selfless. He went out of his way to protect me in a sticky situation.
My chest felt funny, both empty and too full, as I remembered the night when we’d found ourselves alone together in a strange city…
Eleven
Michaela
Five months ago
The car spun and I squeezed my eyes shut.
What was I thinking?
Why had I agreed to this?
Oh right, because when James smiled at me with his deep, soulful, handsome brown eyes, I lost the ability to think straight.
He had an incredible smile.
The best.
But if coveting another man’s wife was a sin, then so too was fancying another woman’s fiancé. Therefore, my attraction would never be permitted to leave the confines of my own head.
“Isn’t this exciting!” Isaac’s cousin Thato exclaimed from the front seat of the car.
Isaac had invited everyone to come visit the township where he grew up here in Johannesburg, and his cousin had brought us to see a spinning contest. Spinning being a popular local sport where drivers spun their car in rapid circles across a dirt track, and yes, it was just as scary as it sounded. Thato had suggested James and I sit in the back while his friend, Nandi, drove, which was why I was currently slightly worried for our safety.
Okay, more like terrified. I was the sort of person who got anxious when people went a smidge over the speed limit, so this was way beyond my comfort level. It was ironic that I’d found a job working for a bunch of adrenaline junkies. My own version of taking a risk was buying a discounted sandwich that was almost past its sell-by date.
The car skidded abruptly and without thinking, I grabbed James’ arm to steady myself, pretty sure I was cutting off his blood supply. Unlucky for him, he was the closest solid thing I could latch onto.
“Sorry,” I said past the noise of the engine and the cheering crowd. “I’m freaking out a little.” I tried my best not to hyperventilate.
James’ deep chuckle sent a flutter through me. “Yeah, the bruises you’re leaving on my arm can attest to that.”
“Oh!” I exclaimed, embarrassed and just about to let go when he patted my hand.
“It’s fine,” he said, voice reassuring. “Hold onto me if you need to.”
Hold onto me if you need to.
Why did my foolish heart wish he meant those words romantically? I swallowed tightly, pushing the silly, fanciful notion out of my head.
I only opened my eyes and let go of James when the car finally stopped moving. Smoke rose from the engine and James pushed the door open on his side.
“You okay?” he asked as he climbed out.
I sat there for a second, feeling dizzy, then forced myself to climb out too. Wobbly and disorientated, I fell right into him. James reached out to steady me, his hands warm and firm on my upper arms. I flushed then looked up into his eyes. His tender expression was so open, so caring. He was trusting and kind, and he definitely had no clue of the secret crush I harboured. Good. If I had my way, he’d never find out.
I was still standing close to him when a scuffle broke out nearby. It looked like a gang of people had gotten into a fight. What on earth?
James placed his hand to my back and hurried me away from the fighting. I didn’t have time to think about the danger because I was too focused on how warm his palm was against me, though I was sure he didn’t feel any of the intensity that I did. That was the trouble with one-sided attraction.
“Can you see the others anywhere?” I asked as he continued to lead me away.
“No, but I’ll try to call them once we get clear of this crowd.”
We were surrounded by people, all of whom had the same idea to leave when they saw the fight break out. James’ hand left my back as he went to stand out of the way of the crowd. He pulled his phone from his pocket and sighed.
“I have no signal. How about you?”
I checked my phone, but I didn’t have one either. I glanced at James and held up the screen for him to see. He wore a loose button-down shirt, dark sweat patches under his arms from being out all day in the Johannesburg heat. He ran a hand over his close-cropped hair and appeared to be thinking.
“Right, we’ll keep walking until we can find a café or a diner or somewhere with Wi-Fi.”
“Okay, good plan.” I nodded, walking alongside him. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I hoped he’d put his hand on my back again. I was aware that since I moved to London, I hadn’t been given a single hug. Back home, Mum and Dad hugged me daily. I took human touch for granted. Now I was going cold turkey and that was probably why my body freaked out over James’ hand innocently touching my back.
We walked in quiet for a few minutes when I heard a loud wolf whistle. I turned and there were two men standing outside a house smoking cigarettes. My stomach tightened when I saw how they eyed me, calling out, “Are you American? English? Want to come over here? We’ll show you a good time.”
I winced. Did we so obviously stand out as foreigners? Maybe it was the way we were dressed, or maybe they’d heard us talking. One of them looked me up and down like I was naked instead of wearing a very conservative calf-length skirt and blouse, my hair tied up. Nerves tightened my throat as I looked to James, who came to stand next to me. Without a word, he took my hand in his, his palm that had warmed my back now warming my bare skin. Shooting stars and fireworks went off inside my chest. The feel of his palm on mine was disconcertingly exhilarating. For a second, time stood still. I grew hot all over.
James stared the two men down, his voice steely when he said, “She’s with me.”
Confidently, he turned us and continued walking. “Don’t look back,” he muttered under his breath.
I was convinced they were going to follow us, but when we finally got far enough away, we turned around and they were nowhere to be seen. Relief flooded me. I was so glad that James was with me. I was also taken aback that he’d stood up to those men for me. He had no idea how they might’ve reacted. What if they’d decided to attack him?
I let go of James’ hand, even though a part of me didn’t want to and stepped away. “Thank you for that,” I said, hoping he could hear how grateful I was.
He appeared a little awkward, his jaw tensing. “It was nothing.” I watched as he checked his phone again.
“Still no signal?”
“No, but it looks like there are a few businesses up ahead. Come on.”
There was a small shop and a diner. We went inside the diner, but unfortunately, they didn’t have Wi-Fi. We’d been walking for thirty minutes, and my ballet flats had started to dig into the backs of my ankles. I lifted one foot, sliding my fingers into my shoe to feel for blisters.
James’ eyes softened. “Why don’t you go sit down? I’ll order us something to eat.”
I nodded silently and went to find a seat, butterflies filling my stomach. Why did kindness from James always feel like so much more than kindness from other people? My crush on him seemed to turn every tiny gesture into something far bigger and meaningful than it actually was.
A few minutes later, James appeared with two t
oasted cheese sandwiches, fries, and some soft drinks.
He gave a sheepish smile. “It was either this or a kebab. I went with the safer option.”
“Oh, thanks so much. Here, let me give you some money,” I said.
He waved me away. “I’ve got this.”
He sat across from me, and I picked up one half of my sandwich and took a bite. It was surprisingly good. The radio played low as we ate. I wondered if James found it awkward that I wasn’t talking, but when I glanced at him, his attention was on his phone.
“Is your phone working now?” I questioned.
“What? Oh, no. Still nothing. I was actually just looking at some pictures of my new house. Do you want to see?”
My eyes widened. “You and Diana bought a house? That’s great,” I said, mustering enthusiasm I didn’t feel as he handed me the phone.
James cleared his throat. “Technically, I bought it, since Diana doesn’t know yet. It’s a surprise.”
My jaw dropped. “Wow, that’s some surprise.”
James smiled. “I know. I can’t wait to tell her.”
I brought my attention to the pictures. The first one showed a quaint red brick townhouse with a cute red door. At first impression, it didn’t strike me as the sort of place Diana would go for, but then again, I hardly knew her. I flicked to the next picture and it showed a hallway that had fallen into disrepair. There was patterned wallpaper that was peeling at the edges, not to mention watermarks on the ceiling.
“It’s a fixer-upper,” James explained. “My plan is to completely gut the place over the next few months. Then once the inside has been modernised, I’ll let Diana choose the interiors.”
I swiped through the last of the pictures then handed him back the phone. “That’ll be a treat for her. She’s an interior designer, right?”
“Yep. I’m giving her a completely blank canvas to put her mark on.”
