Finding Me

by Stella Rainbow

  I looked around the room and a sense of having a place here swept through me. There were so many people here and they looked so different from each other. And yet they were joined together as a community. A community I was a part of.

  “There’s Luke! Come on, meet some of my friends,” Brady said and pulled me along as he squeezed between people, stopping every few steps to greet someone. It was clear that these people loved Brady and I couldn’t fault them for it. Brady was such a bright and kind person, it was no wonder they cared about him.

  Finally, we came to a stop before a couple standing off to the side, away from the crowds that were gathered around the snack tables and the dance floor. I could tell that they were a couple because the taller of the two, a man with golden-brown hair and warm brown eyes was holding the shorter man’s face between his palms and whispering something to him. The love he had for the shorter man shone so clearly in his eyes and my heart warmed for them even as a part of me wondered if I'd ever have that. If someone would ever look at me with that much love and care in his eyes.

  Brady dropped my hand when we reached them and I wondered for a split second if he didn’t want his friends to get the wrong idea but then he jumped at the smaller man and pulled him into a hug and I realized it hadn’t been about me at all. I shook my head at my own stupid thoughts as Brady hugged his friend.

  “Luke! Were you planning to leave already? Without saying hi to me?”

  The shorter man—Luke—grinned at Brady as he shook his head. He was beautiful, with raven hair and gray eyes, and with his shy smile and the way he clung to his partner, he looked like the complete opposite of Brady. And yet, their bond was clear as daylight as they chattered with each other for a few minutes, forgetting about the rest of us as they talked.

  Brady seemed to remember me after a few minutes because he gave me a sheepish smile in apology before turning around to the others. “Luke, Scott, this is Charlie. They are the one you thought was stalking me.”

  Luke shook his head and glared at Brady before smiling shyly at me and extending his hand. “Apologies about my friend. He can be a bit of an idiot sometimes. It’s a good thing he’s lovable.” Brady laughed as I shook Luke’s hand.

  “It’s nice to meet you, Luke.”

  “We’ve heard a lot about you,” Scott said with a warm grin as he shook my hand and I flushed.

  “I wasn’t really stalking him, I promise,” I assured them and Brady grinned as the others laughed.

  “Oh, we know that, don’t worry. But yeah, I was planning on heading home soon, actually. I’d really like to stay and chat but…” He shrugged and gave Scott a look that seemed to mean something to him because he immediately pulled Luke into his side, holding him almost protectively as he gave us an apologetic smile.

  “Sorry, Luke had a tough therapy session and he’s still recuperating. How about the two of you come by for dinner next weekend? I’ll make the spaghetti that you love so much, Brady and I might just convince Luke to bake some cookies.”

  “Of course!” Brady agreed instantly and I nodded, curious about why Luke needed therapy but also knowing it wasn’t my place to ask. Brady gave Luke a one-armed hug and murmured something in his ear that made him chuckle. After a last goodbye, they made their way out of the room.

  “I can bet my dog on the fact that there could only be two reasons they came here in the first place,” Brady said and I turned to look at him, raising up my brow in question.

  “Either Mama D threatened them because they’d missed so many meet-ups or they really wanted to meet you.” I’d heard a lot about Mama D from Brady so if I had to guess, I’d say it was the first option. I was so looking forward to meeting her.

  “Brady Knight!” A voice called from somewhere in the room and Brady swore under his breath. “Talk of the devil,” He mumbled before turning around with a wide smile directed at a woman that was walking towards us with narrowed eyes. She appeared to be in her fifties, with brown curls framing her face and sharp brown eyes that were currently trained on Brady. She was short, probably a few inches taller than Brady and her warm brown skin shone with a layer of glitter as she walked towards us.

  Once she’d reached us, she immediately pulled Brady into a hug, holding him so tight that I was almost afraid she’d break him. She pulled back after a few moments and then her eyes fell on me. I held my breath as she looked me over. “Who’s your friend, Brady?”

  “Mama D, meet Charlie. Charlie, this is Delilah Sparks, but you better call her Mama D or she will kick your ass.”

  “That’s right,” Mama D said before pulling me into a hug much like she had with Brady. And damn, what a hug it was. I’d lost my mother when I was a ten year old boy. I barely remembered what my mom’s hugs had felt like but right now, as Mama D hugged me, I knew this was what a mother’s embrace felt like. I understood now why everyone called her Mama. She was made to be a mother to all the kids who needed one.

  I pulled back after a few minutes, not wanting to hog her attention even though I felt like never leaving her embrace. I had to clear my throat a few times before I could speak without my voice cracking. “It’s so good to meet you, Mama D.”

  She gave me a wide smile and squeezed my shoulder as she spoke, “It’s good to meet you too, darling. You ever need someone to talk to, come to me, okay? I might know a thing or two about not fitting in, and I’d love to help you out in any way I can.”

  Then she turned to Brady and her eyes narrowed. “A little Birdie told me that you’ve been at the building almost everyday for the last few months.”

  Brady shrugged, giving Mama D a charming smile that had absolutely no effect on the woman, as far as I could tell. “I had time and they can always use the help.”

  “If you have free time, go hang out with your friends. Take Charlie out for dinner somewhere nice. Have some fun. You’re almost thirty! Live a little before you’re too old to!”

  “I’m twenty-seven!”

  “You’ll be twenty-eight in a month! Now, I’m gonna say this once, so listen to me clearly. If I see you around the building or doing volunteer work that wasn’t strictly your duty, I will fire your ass.”

  “But I work for free!” Brady sounded so much like a small kid arguing with his mom that I had to hide a smile behind my palm. Oh, this was so much fun to watch.

  “And I know how much you love helping out. And I love that you do. But I don’t want you to stop living your own life while you care for others. Find a balance, sweetie. Do you think I keep Ryan tied to me by spending all the time at work?”

  Brady made a face and I assumed that Ryan was Mama D’s husband, since Brady was making the I-don’t-want-to-think-about-my-parents-having-sex face.

  “Remember, no working overtime or you’re not working at all. I love you.” She pressed a kiss on Brady’s cheek before leaning up and surprising me by kissing my cheek too and then she was gone, showering love on another of her kids, I assumed.

  When Brady didn’t say anything, I asked the question that had been running around my head while they talked, “What did she mean when she said that she knew about not fitting in?”

  Brady looked up at me, the frown he’d been sporting morphing into a smile as he spoke, “Mama D had been born in a man’s body and to homophobic parents. Her grandmother had supported her though, and she left her a lot of money so she could get surgeries and later start this charity. She tells her story to all the kids here, wanting them to know that she understands exactly how they felt and that she really wants to help them. It is why I love working for her. But apparently, I work too much.” He rolled his eyes and shook his head, but it was mostly an affectionate gesture. After all, how long could you ever be angry with your mom before you gave in?

  I mulled over Mama D’s story as Brady introduced me to people and I realized that I really could ask for help if I ever needed it and she’d never turn me away. The thought settled like a warm blanket over me, the idea of having a mother figure again com
forting in a way I’d never expected it to be. As I looked around at all the colors, all the people, I realized that maybe I’d been scared for nothing. I would have lost my dad if I’d come out earlier, but I also would’ve found this other family to lean on. A mother like Mama D, maybe brothers like Scott and Luke and a…friend like Brady.

  I came back to the present moment as we reached the drink bar at the corner of the room. Obviously, the drinks were of the non-alcoholic variety since there were kids of all ages around and the glasses that spanned the counter-top held liquids of all colors, some fizzy and I could swear some even had some glitter in them. Behind the counter stood a woman who was maybe a few years younger than me, her blond hair buzzed close to her head and her blue eyes sharp as she mixed drinks. This must be Angie, the woman Brady taught the self-defense class with.

  “Angie!” Brady said, confirming my suspicions. Angie looked up at us and grinned at Brady before her eyes fell on me and her brows went up, the piercings accentuating her surprised curiosity.

  “Angie, this is Charlie. Charlie, this badass woman is Angie.” Brady introduced us and I smiled hesitantly at the slightly intimidating woman.

  “Nice to meet you, Charlie. Here, try this one,” Angie said, handing me a glass of a dark purple drink that matched my top, even the glittery part.

  “Don’t worry about the glitter, it’s edible.” Well, that was reassuring.

  I took a sip of the drink and my eyes widened at the sweet, fruity taste. Was it…blueberry? It was mostly a lot of sweetness but the fruity undertones made the drink perfect. “It’s really good.”

  Angie grinned at me before handing a hot pink drink to Brady, complete with a little umbrella and a slice of lemon stuck to the glass. Brady grinned at me as he sipped his drink and I chuckled when I realized some of the color had painted his lips a deep pink. Did that mean I had blue lips now?

  After we’d had a few drinks and eaten some snacks, Brady insisted on taking a few selfies and everyone crowded around us to get into the frame. My favorite part was the fact that in all the pictures, Brady had one of his arms wrapped securely around my waist as he leaned into my side and grinned at the camera.

  10 | Brady

  The week after the pride celebration passed by swiftly. I hung out with Charlie a few times, but it was mostly to discuss their new job and what changes we needed to make in the café kitchen for it to work out.

  They had been surprised when I’d brought it up on Monday evening, since they’d assumed I’d offered the job in a fit of feverish delusions. As if. The idea of working with Charlie every day had been too good to pass up, plus I really had wanted to add some breakfast and lunch options to the menu. Now that Mama D had also limited my time at Voice Out, I felt like I could finally tackle this idea.

  So we’d spent the whole week designing menus and figuring out what all things I would need to add to the café’s grocery order. Charlie had wanted to offer a daily special of a different cuisine every day and I’d loved the idea because it would give them the opportunity to cook for fun rather than just for the sake of cooking. I knew that once people tasted their food, the daily specials would be all they ordered.

  I’d almost forgotten about Scott’s dinner invitation until I received a text from Luke reminding me about it. Since we also needed to go shopping, we made plans to go to my favorite clothing store on Sunday and then head over to Luke’s for dinner in the evening. Which was why I was up and about at nine this Sunday morning.

  Once I was dressed and Cherry had been fed and taken outside, I popped into the café to grab two coffees in to-go cups before making my way to Charlie’s place. I was looking forward to picking some clothes for them and my head was full of ideas of all the things that would look good on them. Despite their height, Charlie had a figure that would go with just about any type of clothing, all lean, sinewy muscles and a waist to die for. If they weren’t such a nice person, I’d be jealous of them.

  I found Charlie waiting outside their building, hands in their jeans pockets as they leaned against their car. As I walked closer, I took a moment to appreciate how stunning they looked. They were dressed in a simple black t-shirt paired with a long coat that kinda reminded me of Benedict Cumberbatch from Sherlock, especially with the way their dark curls framed their face. They wore sunglasses, so I couldn’t see their baby blues, but I had a feeling they were watching me too.

  I grinned when I reached them, making sure to look them up and down—slowly—as I said, “You look stunning, Ceebee.” There was the blush I’d been missing. They removed the sunglasses and gave me a smile, squinting as their eyes adjusted to the sunlight.

  “You look as gorgeous as ever,” they told me as they opened the front passenger door for me.

  I got in and waited for them to get seated before speaking again, “Aw, are you flirting with me, Charlie?”

  Charlie blushed again as they started the car, but didn’t say anything. I added the address to the store I wanted to take them into the GPS and leaned back once the automated voice started giving out directions. “Are you excited for today?”

  Charlie bit their lower lip as they nodded. “Yeah, I am. I loved the designs you did and I found some cool clothes online, but I want to see this store. The idea of buying at a store seems more…personal in a sense. It would be a whole new experience, right?”

  “Oh, yes. The first time I stepped into that store, I felt so overwhelmed. I mean, I’d known for a long time that I didn’t like the boring, plain clothes most men wore and then I stepped into this store that’s full of colorful shit for people like me? It was like discovering Narnia and Hogwarts all rolled into one.”

  Charlie chuckled at my example even as he nodded in understanding. Part of the reason I was so excited about this trip was that I wanted to see Charlie experience that overwhelming sense of belonging that I had when I’d first stepped into Misty’s Bits and Boots.

  I was out of the car and at the driver’s side before Charlie had cut the engine when we reached our destination, and I grabbed their hand as soon as they stepped out of the car. “Come on, come on,” I urged them as I led them towards the small boutique store. A bell tinkled above us as we stepped in, and a light flashed in the back room. I smiled at the girl who stood at the cash counter—her name was Jessica, if I remembered correctly—before looking around the store.

  “Is Misty here?”

  “Yep. Want me to call her?”

  I gave her a nod and she flipped a switch, making a light blink in the backroom again. Charlie looked at it in confusion for a moment before they seemed to understand what was up. I gave them a smile and squeezed their hand. The sound of heels clicking on the tiled floor had me turning and smiling as I spotted Misty. She grinned at me when she saw me and hugged me as soon as she was close enough. In her mid-forties, Misty was a fashion expert who had taught me everything I knew about dressing well. She’d designed all my flashy clothes and she gave me the best ideas when it came to clothes. With her blond hair tied into a ponytail and her professional looking cream colored pantsuit, you would think she worked at a high end law firm and not at a boutique that catered especially to gender-benders and defiers like me. Or non-binary people like Charlie.

  Pulling away, she signed at me, her hands moving in a flurry as she glanced between me and Charlie, ‘Who’s the hottie?’

  Grinning, I signed back at her, ‘They’re a friend. We want to start a closet for them. Mostly neutral clothes but some more femme ones too, I think.’ Charlie hadn’t really presented as female yet, but I wanted them to have something if they ever wanted to.

  ‘Oh, I have just the clothes! Follow me,’ she said before turning around and walking deeper into the store. I looked up at Charlie in order to tell them what she’d signed to find them staring at me with wide eyes.

  “You know sign language?” they asked, voice full of wonder.

  I shrugged as I led them where Misty had disappeared, “A year ago, we had a kid at Voice Out wh
o had lost his hearing when some assholes beat him up. Mama D hired a tutor to teach him sign language. I sat in on the lessons to support him and I found the language intriguing, so I took up learning it too. Now, when a Deaf or Mute kid shows up, I’m able to help them in a way others can’t, so I’m glad I learned it.”

  “Every time I think you can’t get better…” Charlie trailed off and I blushed, my eyes widening in horror as I did because I never blushed. Ever.

  My hope that Charlie hadn’t noticed was destroyed when he grinned at me and said, “Are you blushing?”

  “What? Me? No, of course not,” I denied, but Charlie’s grin just widened.

  “Oh, you are. Is it because I said that you’re amazing and I didn’t think you could get better and yet you keep doing it?” I blushed harder and Charlie started laughing. “Oh my god, you’re so cute!”

  I glared at him, my hands on my hips as I spoke, “I am not cute.”

  “Sure,” Charlie pacified me, but the grin was still there and I wasn’t really convinced. But before I could say anything, Misty called from somewhere close by, her Deaf accent thick, “Brady?”

  “Come on,” I nudged Charlie as I led him towards the back where Misty had already gathered more than a dozen outfits on a table. I ran my hands through them, picking up the ones I thought would suit Charlie the best. When I had around six outfits picked out, I turned around and dumped them into Charlie arms as they scrambled not to drop them. I led them towards the changing room before waving them inside. “Give me a show,” I told them with a wink before shutting the door and getting seated in the plastic chair across from the door. I pulled out my phone and scrolled through Instagram as I waited for them to come out.

  I looked up as the door opened and my breath caught in my chest as I looked at Charlie.

  They were wearing the black V split dress I’d picked, paired with the tiniest of denim shorts that I’d been able to find and showing off those gorgeous, muscular thighs of theirs. The dress ended at their calves and I planned to get them some black knee length boots to go with the outfit. But even without them, Charlie looked absolutely stunning. I was up and walking to them before I’d made a conscious decision to. I cursed my small stature as I waved at them to lean closer. As soon as they were within reach, my hand latched onto the back of their neck and I pressed my lips onto theirs for a light kiss. I’d wanted to do it for some time now, I think, even if I hadn’t consciously thought about my attraction to them. I pulled back slightly, still gripping the back of their neck as I murmured against their plush lips, “You look absolutely gorgeous. Tell me now if you want me to back off and I will.”