It's not like she has a future. It's not like any of them have a future. If she can't even help the Callaghans, what's the point of any of this?
She reminds herself that the point is Mitchell. The goal is always going to be Mitchell.
"Can I be excused?" she asks, halfway through her dinner. "I'm still pretty tired."
"Yeah, go ahead," Nick says. Jackie heads to her room and pretends to sleep.
She won't be able to see the Callaghan pack for a long time after this, but she has to go just once more, to make sure that Siobhan and Marcus got there safely. So she waits until the house is quiet, waits until she can't wait anymore, before sneaking out the back. The streets are cold and quiet. The rain has finally stopped.
It's after midnight when Jackie gets to the abandoned house, but everyone is still up. She's greeted with a hero's welcome, hugs and back slaps and kisses on the cheek. Maya stands at the back of the room, scowling. Jackie doesn't try to go near her, although she offers the alpha a small smile. Siobhan and Marcus are okay, the pack is back together again. Everything will be all right, somehow.
"So, uh…" she says, when the festivities had died down. "I can't, uh…can't stay. I mean. I can't risk anyone noticing that I'm gone right now."
"No worries," Siobhan says. "But come back soon, yeah?"
"I guess…" Jackie rakes a hand through her hair and steels her nerves. "I can't. I can't help you anymore. I'm sorry. But Mitchell is too close. He knows there's a mole and he's going to be watching me. I can't take any more risks. No more supplies, no more patrol schedules. I just…I wish I could keep helping you, but I can't."
Jared reaches out and squeezes his shoulder. "It's okay, Jackie. We understand," he says, and several of the others mumble some form of agreement.
Jackie nods and then swallows, feeling tears sting at her eyes. "Maya?" she asks, looking over at her.
Maya's jaw is clenched and her eyebrows are knit together angrily. "If you've done all you can do, we can't ask for more."
"Yeah." Jackie lets out a breath. "Thanks. I mean. I just."
"It's fine," Maya says, and abruptly turns and walks away. A moment later, they hear a door slam.
"Sorry about her," Gabby says.
Jackie shakes her head. "Don't worry about it. So, uh…" She shoves her hands into her pockets. "I'll see you when I see you, I guess."
There's a low murmur from the others. Jackie turns around and walks back out of the house. She hunches her shoulders against the chilly wind and tries to hold back her tears, a battle that she ultimately loses.
*~*~*
Nick is torn between anger and amusement as he heads into his father's office. He hates it when Mitchell summons him like a child. He's almost entirely sure that Mitchell waits until he's in the middle of one of his classes to demand his attendance. But he passes it off to his right hand man and heads upstairs. Mitchell is in the middle of some papers, and says, "Sit down, son," without looking up. Nick does as he's told and waits. He knows that Mitchell is baiting him by summoning him and then ignoring him. He's not going to be the one to break.
Finally, Mitchell puts down his papers. "I hear that your daughter is talking about dropping out of the militia."
"She was seriously injured," Nick says. "I told her that I wanted her to take a break."
"Uh huh." Mitchell folds his hands in front of himself. "And I'm sure that her departure has nothing to do with the fact that there's a mole in our ranks and she wants to leave before she's caught."
"I don't know why the hell you think Jackie is the mole just because the werewolf she brought in got captured on purpose," Nick says. "That was a complete coincidence."
"Was it, Nick?" Mitchell's eyebrows go up. "It's a hell of a coincidence, if so."
"Look, presuming that I would even agree with you about that, what the hell would Jackie's motives be for betraying the militia?"
"Why don't you tell me, son?" Mitchell asks.
"If you think that Jackie thinks she's helping me, or that I planted some seditious ideas in her head, then you're not paying attention," Nick says. "She had no idea I had a relationship with Ryan until last week, and let me tell you, she was pretty surprised by the news. Now she'll barely talk to me. Thanks for that, by the way."
"You brought that on yourself," Mitchell says.
Nick shakes his head, frustrated. He can't figure out why Mitchell is stuck on this. "Look, I know you don't like Jackie. I get that, okay? But she's a good soldier. She's been a credit to her service. Just let this go."
"A good soldier?" Mitchell snorts. "Your daughter has always been an ungrateful, unruly brat—"
Nick loses his temper. "No, she hasn't! Not until you came to Cold Creek! Not until…you…" His voice trails off as the clue Ryan had given him smacks him right between the eyes. You might not like where the rabbit hole leads, Ryan had said. What had changed when Jackie was twelve? It was the year that Mitchell Donovan had come back to Cold Creek. He had come in and out of Nick's life for years, so he had never stopped to consider that it hadn't been like that for Jackie. That Jackie had only met Mitchell for the first time - presumably - when she was twelve years old.
Who had lived in Cold Creek in 1999 that Sam Callaghan would have been afraid to confront? Mitchell Donovan, army veteran, state representative, and outspoken advocate of supernatural segregation. Who was known to take murder victims and make their bodies look like they had been killed by werewolves, to stir up fear among the humans? Mitchell Donovan. Who had profited and benefited immensely from the chaos that had broken out after the Jacksons' murder? Mitchell Donovan.
Nick sinks down into a chair, mind whirling. Ryan had told him to think about why Jackie had never asked him to look into her parents' murder. How much did Jackie know? Did she even realize why she hated Mitchell so much? Everyone agreed that she hadn't seen anything. What was it about Mitchell that had triggered such a change in the preteen?
"Nick," Mitchell says sharply. "Are you listening?"
Nick looks up, looks his father in the eye. "You killed the Jacksons."
Mitchell blinks. He's surprised, taken off guard, but there's no denial in his gaze. "So?"
"You killed the Jacksons," Nick says again, as if repetition will make it sink in. "Jesus, Dad. Why?"
Mitchell rolls his eyes. "If you really have to know, I'll tell you. Leo had just killed some young werewolf whose father got all up in arms about it, and he wasn't as good at covering his tracks back then. That cop Jackson got onto him somehow. I went to his house to convince him to drop it. He refused."
"Jesus," Nick mutters again. "And then you made it look like it had been a werewolf attack, and it turned into a media frenzy."
"To be honest, I didn't expect the impact to be quite as far-reaching as it was," Mitchell says with a shrug. "TIME magazine. Leo got a real kick out of that."
"You're talking about the murder of two innocent people," Nick says. "One of them being a civilian. Why did you have to kill her?"
"She saw me," Mitchell says.
"But Jackie didn't."
"No, she must have been upstairs with her mother. I didn't even realize there was a kid in the house. Sloppy of me, I admit it. I didn't go there intending to kill anyone. Figured I could just talk to that cop about why getting rid of those filthy animals was the best thing to do, and we could put it behind us. But he got his back up about it."
"And then…" Nick trails off as he puts the pieces together. "The war started and everything went to hell. Did you kill the Callaghans because they knew?"
"No, Leo just killed the Callaghans to get the ball rolling," Mitchell says, then rolls his eyes. "If I'd told him to do that to make sure nobody could talk, he wouldn't have missed out on the one person who probably did know - probably does know."
Nick rubs both hands over his face. "Ryan Callaghan kept his mouth shut about it for years for my sake. Because he knew I wouldn't want to believe it. But then Leo pissed him off by murdering most of his family,
so you came in here and cut Cold Creek off so you could hunt him down and shut his mouth permanently."
"Well, that was the plan," Mitchell says. "Hasn't quite worked out that way, though. He's a slippery son of a bitch, that werewolf of yours."
Nick has to stop and take a deep breath. "Is that why you think Jackie is the mole? Do you think she realizes?"
"I doubt it." Mitchell gives a shrug. "Probably would've said or done something stupid a long time ago, if so."
Nick isn't anywhere near sure of that. He knows his daughter, and he knows that she's quite capable of playing it close to the vest when she has to. But he certainly isn't about to say that in front of Mitchell. "Then you really just think I have something to do with it."
Mitchell shrugs. "I want Jackie where I can see her, Nick. Put her back in the militia."
"Or else what?"
"Who knows?" Another shrug. "Accidents happen."
Nick feels his stomach turn. "I'll talk to her."
"Good." Mitchell smiles and claps a hand on his son's shoulder. "You do that."
*~*~*
Maya is moping on top of the remains of the motel they've crashed in and looks up as Gabby plops down next to her. "What is it?" she asks.
"Well," Gabby says evenly, "I'm kind of used to your brooding by now, but the others aren't inured to it the way I am, and I think you're scaring them."
Maya scowls at her reflexively. "I am not brooding."
"Oh, yeah, you are," she says. "You're yelling at the others more. You frown constantly. You're being impatient, and that makes you sarcastic, and you are legitimately making the betas uncomfortable. Otherwise I would leave this alone." She leans into her sister, nudging Maya's upper arm with her bicep. "You miss Jackie, huh?"
"I don't—" Maya breaks off the useless protest. "I'm worried about her."
"I know. I am too. I think that Jackie can take care of herself, but we both know how ruthless the Donovans can be." She lets that sit for a minute. "But that's not why you're moping around, is it?"
Maya sighs. "I'm an asshole."
"Well, yeah," Gabby agrees, and Maya growls at her. "But why do you bring it up?"
Maya's quiet for a long minute. "If I had said something…do you think she would have stayed with us?"
Gabby gives her a sideways glance. "By 'said something,' what exactly do you mean?"
"You know what I mean," Maya says. Gabby doesn't dignify that with a response. Maya suspects she's doing one of those 'sure I know but you should still say it' things, so she grits out, "That I, you know, care about her. That I like her. You know."
"That you're hopelessly, head-over-heels in love with her?" Gabby supplies.
Maya feels her cheeks flush pink. "Whatever."
"I don't know, Maya. Maybe."
"I just keep thinking back to that moment. When she looked at me. And I could see that she wanted me to say it. She wanted me to tell her that I didn't want her to go. That's what she was waiting for. But I didn't say it, because…I don't know why not. I just couldn't. I guess I'm a fucking coward."
"I don't think so," Gabby says, nudging her again. "Being frightened and being a coward are two very different things."
Maya hunches her shoulders inward. "I guess. But it doesn't matter now, does it. She's not coming back. I had my chance and I blew it."
"Maybe you could get a message to her," Gabby suggests. "Solomon seems to talk to the Donovans sometimes."
"I'm not going to put Solomon at risk because of my romantic incompetence," Maya says. "Or Jackie, for that matter."
They sit quietly for a minute. Gabby says, "Jared's started talking about trying to leave. Now that it's spring."
"Yeah, I know." Maya rubs both hands over her face. "Maybe he's right. Without Jackie's help, how long can we last?"
"We made it for years before she started helping us."
"I know. But things have gotten worse since then. And they're going to keep getting worse. So maybe Jared is right. Maybe we should try to make a break for it. I guess I'll talk to Ryan about it, see what he thinks."
"Okay." Gabby leans over and kisses her sister on the cheek. "Now come downstairs and stop moping. Try to smile at one of the betas. It'll freak them out and be hilarious."
"Brat," Maya grumbles, but she finds herself smiling anyway.
*~*~*
Nick has no idea how to address the subject of going back into the militia with Jackie. She has two weeks of mandatory downtime because of her back injury, so at least he doesn't have to broach the subject right away. For all his faults, Mitchell isn't trying to override that. But what can he possibly say? Especially knowing what he knows now: that Mitchell killed Jackie's parents and suspecting that Jackie is aware of that, at least on some level.
He wishes he could talk to Ryan. Not just about Jackie and the militia, but about the Jacksons, about their murder, about how Ryan had kept silent about it. Several times, he's halfway to Solomon's to leave a message before he remembers the way Ryan had looked at him last time, and turns around to head back home. Ryan wants nothing to do with him now, so his desire to discuss things with the werewolf is his own problem.
After the first week has gone by, he finds that he's worried about Jackie for entirely new reasons. She sleeps too much, drags herself around the house, doesn't seem to be interested in much of anything. She barely talks to anyone, and from her typically snarky self, that's a major concern. She's not eating a lot, either, although that's probably partly due to inactivity.
Nick tries to engage with her. Invites her to come along on his daily run, or attend one of his marksmanship classes, since she doesn't need medical clearance for that. But every time, Jackie just says, "No, thanks, Dad," and continues to mope around.
It gets bad enough that even Helen notices, at which point Nick decides he's had enough. It's a beautiful spring day, the first of the really nice weather that's to come, and he says, "Hey, come walk with me."
"No, thanks," Jackie says.
"It wasn't a suggestion," Nick says, getting his daughter by the elbow. Jackie sighs and trudges along beside him. They head out into the woods, where they'll have some privacy. Nick has grabbed the bright orange vest that will mark him as a militia member not on patrol so they don't have to worry about getting shot.
Jackie doesn't seem to care about the nice weather. She shoves her hands into her pockets and walks with her head down. Nick lets her have her silence until they've walked a ways from the compound. Then he finds a convenient log and sits down. Jackie sits down next to him.
"Okay," Nick says. "Real talk. Do you want to go back into the militia? I promise I won't be angry if you do."
Jackie shrugs. "I don't know. I don't think it would help. I just…"
Her voice trails off. Nick waits to see if she's going to think of something to say, then asks, "What's going on, Jackie?" He's careful to keep his voice neutral. He doesn't want Jackie to think she's being blamed for any of this.
"It just seems pointless," Jackie says. "Like Sisyphus and his rock. Things are terrible. They're always going to be terrible. So what's the fucking point?"
Nick thinks about this for a minute. "Okay," he says. "Now, I think I know you pretty well. And you can feel free to tell me that I'm full of shit. But I don't think that that's what's really bothering you. Because that hasn't changed. Not since your thirteenth birthday. I think something else is going on. Maybe it's something you don't want to talk about, and that's okay. But I want you to know that whatever it is, I'll listen."
Jackie nods a little and stares out into the forest. For a long minute, Nick thinks she won't say anything, and is working himself up to talking about how she has to go back into the militia anyway. But then Jackie says, "The, uh, remember the girl I told you about? That I liked? Well, I guess I kind of took your advice. You know. Gave it a whirl. But she, uh, she didn't want me."
"Ah," Nick says. That makes a lot more sense. Teenaged heartbreak and the sting of rejection. He knows full
well how the latter feels. He can still remember the look on Ryan's face in the library telling him that he didn't love Nick anymore. He reaches out and squeezes Jackie's shoulder. "That sucks."
Jackie's mouth twitches in a little smile. "Yeah. Yeah, it does. Now I'm kind of avoiding her. Which sort of turned into avoiding everyone. And being lonely."
"Well, there's no need for that," Nick says.
"I don't have any friends, Dad." Jackie keeps looking out in the forest while she says that. "I have you and Valerie, and I thought I might have…someone else, but I don't. Nobody in the militia really likes me. They know that Mitchell hates me and that it could be bad news if we became buddies. You know, they work with me when they have to, but…"
Nick closes his eyes for a minute, yet again faced with how his toxic relationship with Mitchell has poisoned Jackie's life. He shakes it off. There's nothing he can do about it. "Maybe you could try going into town with Valerie sometimes."
"The people there don't like us any better, and you know it. They just hang out with Valerie because they don't want to make us angry or they think it might get them bonuses." Jackie shakes her head. "I'd rather be lonely than hang out with people who are fake."
"I can understand that," Nick says. "I just don't like the idea of you being lonely."
"I know. I just…" Jackie says nothing for a long minute. Then she says, "I miss my parents," and surprises them both by starting to cry. "I'm sorry."
"You don't have anything to be sorry for," Nick says, pulling Jackie against his shoulder. His heart aches as Jackie cries, hitching little sobs that she keeps trying to stifle.
"I don't even know why, all of a sudden," Jackie says. "I just, for some reason these past few weeks, I keep wondering what they would say if they were here. What my mom would think of me. If my d-dad would be p-proud of me." She dissolves into more tears, ugly, noisy sobs that she muffles in Nick's shirt.
Nick hugs her, hard. He doesn't say anything until Jackie's sobs are trailing into sniffles, which takes several minutes. "I didn't know your parents," he says. "I never met them. But I can tell you that anyone would be proud to call you their daughter."
The More Things Change Page 17
