"I can't go with you," Nick says.
"Because of Ryan?"
Nick nods.
"You know, this is just a thought," Maya says, "but it seems to have worked pretty well for me and Jackie. You could try telling him how you feel."
"He doesn't want to hear anything I have to say," Nick says. "I can't blame him for that."
"So you're just going to give up?"
"He made it pretty clear how he felt," Nick says. "I have to respect that."
"Oh my God," Maya says, losing her temper. "Has it ever occurred to you that that's the last thing that Ryan wants? That what he actually wants is for you to fight for him for once in your life? That all you ever do is let him go? He doesn't want to be let go, Nick. He wants you to want to be with him. To want it so badly that you would give up anything else, and for you to fucking act that way."
"Well, it's not like he…" Nick's voice trails off.
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that he made that clear, if not in the past few months, then years ago." Maya shrugs. "I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, and God knows I wouldn't want to try to deal with Ryan when he's in a snit. But if you really love him, if you want to fix your relationship with him, then stop presuming that you can't."
Nick sighs. "I'll think about that."
"Fine. Whatever." Maya stands up. "I don't even know where the jerk is right now. So get some sleep. Hopefully Jackie will make it here before we have to make the run, and she can give you all the details. Because we're leaving, and one way or another, you're coming with us."
*~*~*
Ryan spends the night in the library, because it's as far away from their makeshift den as he can get but still a place where they could conceivably find him in an emergency. He has no intention of going back to the den until after noon the next day. The drug that Solomon gave Nick will take about twenty-four hours to wear off, and he doesn't want to see Nick while he's still suffering the effects. He doesn't want to see Nick weak and unable to move, and he doubts that Nick wants to be seen that way either.
He's aware that his absence is annoying Maya, but he doesn't particularly care. And he'll make it up to her. The previous day, the town was basically deserted as everybody went to the square to watch the execution. That made it easy to break into some places and score some valuables. It's not quite the season for fresh vegetables yet, more's the pity, but he finds some fresh-baked bread and strawberry preserves. Then he heads down to the town's fish farm. It's far too well-guarded under normal circumstances to be worth it, but only two people are there during the execution, and Ryan dispatches of them quickly enough. He's careful not to kill them; that would attract more attention than he wants.
Maya has already said that they're all going to stay at the den until the run. No more foraging. Which means that the pack is probably hungry. So Ryan whistles on his way back, hefting his bag of goodies. He ducks two patrols and comes in through the back.
The pack is gathered in the double room. Nick is there as well, and he looks up as Ryan comes in. A series of strange expressions crosses his face. To be fair, all of the pack is somewhat surprised by his appearance. But Ryan has no intention of Nick seeing him at his low point again. While everyone was gone the previous day, he had snuck into one of the houses and taken an actual shower. Given himself a haircut and a shave and stolen some clothes. He's now dressed in a V-neck shirt and a pair of jeans that are only a little bit worn. They're not a perfect fit, but he's worn a lot worse.
"Hello, children," he says, setting down the bags. "I come bearing gifts."
The betas immediately tear into his offerings. Maya, who seems to understand what Ryan is doing, doesn't admonish them to ration or be careful. She just says, "Hey, make sure everyone gets an equal share," which is mainly for the benefit of the slower eaters (Dominic) or the painfully polite (Jared).
Still ignoring Nick's presence, Ryan turns to Maya. "Has Jackie checked in?"
The sour expression on Maya's face is answer enough. "No. She had to send Valerie. She's under too much scrutiny. But things went well. As you can see," she adds, gesturing to Nick as if his presence isn't obvious.
"Fair enough," Ryan says.
"Have you eaten?" Maya asks.
"I had my share already, thank you," Ryan says.
Nick gets tired of being ignored and says, "Ryan. Can we talk?"
"Certainly," Ryan says with a winning smile.
"Privately," Nick adds.
"Do you have something to say that you're not willing to say in front of the others?" Ryan asks, his smile not fading even the slightest.
Nick holds his gaze. "I love you."
It's a record scratch moment, to be sure. Half the betas stop with food hanging out of their mouths, and Ryan nearly laughs at them. "That's nice," he says to Nick.
Maya gives a low growl. "Go find somewhere to talk," she says to Ryan, "or I'll take the pack and find somewhere else to eat."
Ryan gives a put-upon sigh. "If you insist." He turns and heads down the hallway. He can hear Nick following him, but doesn't bother to turn around and look at him until they're in a room where the door mostly shuts. "Not that I really think we have anything to talk about," he says, "but Maya can get very touchy about her orders not being followed."
"I was thinking a lot earlier," Nick says, ignoring his nonchalant attitude. "About us."
"There is no us."
"I want there to be."
Ryan shrugs. "Do you think I care?"
"I know you do," Nick says. "You've always cared, and I've always ignored it." He takes a deep breath. "I know you didn't want my apology. But I realized I was apologizing for the wrong thing. So I'm going to try again. I'm sorry that I was a coward. That I used you, and that I never told you how much you meant to me. I'm sorry that I never told you that I love you, and I'm sorry for all the times I made you feel like you weren't important to me."
"I felt that way because you acted that way," Ryan replies, careful to keep the edge in his voice, make it seem like none of this matters. He has no intention of letting Nick know how his stomach twists at those words.
"I know. And I'm sorry. It's not that I didn't care about you. But I was afraid of it. I was afraid that if I gave everything to you, to us, I would end up with nothing."
"So now that you have nothing, it's safe?" Ryan asks. "Now that your family has finally proven themselves to be exactly what I always told you they were, now you can love me without reservations? I was your choice of last resort?"
"No! It's not—" Nick closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. "I could stay here, you know. I could fight. I'm good at fighting. And God, someone needs to fight for these people. But that's not what I'm going to do. It's not what I want to do. I want to go with you. Wherever it leads. Even if the outside is worse than I can imagine, even if I have to follow you to Hell, I will."
"That's very poetic, Nicholas," Ryan says, "but it's not necessary."
He turns to walk away, but Nick grabs him by the wrist. Ryan snarls, but suppresses his instinctual reaction to put Nick through the wall.
"I love you," Nick says.
"I don't care," Ryan replies.
"Yes, you do," Nick says. "You told me to walk away once and I respected that, but maybe I shouldn't have. I don't think it's what you really wanted. I think you wanted me to keep going. To fight for you. Like I always should have fought for you but never did."
Ryan yanks his wrist away. "You don't know anything about what I want."
"I do. I know you want me to treat you like you matter. Because that's something that everyone wants. You want me to want to be with you. You want me to stop putting you in second place. So that's what I'm going to do."
"You're delusional."
"I don't care," Nick says. "I love you."
"I don't believe you."
"Then I'll prove it. Every day for the rest of our lives, no matter how long or short they'll be. Because I'm not walking away from you again. I've done it too m
any times."
Ryan can feel his resolve crumbling, and he feels like Nick has been conspiring with someone (Maya, almost certainly Maya), because he's somehow saying all the right things. He's saying exactly what Ryan wants to hear, what Ryan needs to hear. "I don't believe you," he repeats, because holding up a wall of denial is all he can think to do.
"That's okay," Nick says. He takes a few steps towards Ryan. "I don't mind. You don't have to believe me. Just let me show you."
"I don't love you," Ryan insists.
"Okay," Nick says quietly.
"I loved you once. But I don't now. I probably never will again."
"Okay," Nick says again. "I love you anyway."
Ryan stands there, feeling oddly paralyzed as Nick gathers him in an embrace, wraps his arms around Ryan and holds him tightly. The warmth and the scent of him is overwhelming. He wants to press into it and stay there forever. He can't stop his fingers from digging into Nick's back, clenching down in the fabric of his shirt. "You're a son of a bitch," he mutters.
He can almost feel Nick smiling. "I know. I'm sorry."
"Who told you what to say? It was Maya, right? It must have been Maya. Because she's the only one would have known."
"I still meant it."
"I know you did." Ryan growls and pulls away from him. "You don't say things you don't mean. It's one of your few redeeming qualities."
"You're telling me that you value honesty?" Nick is amused. "You're the biggest liar I've ever met."
"That's precisely why I value honesty. We can't all be liars, after all."
Nick kisses him. It's soft, and gentle, and sweet. Ryan lets him.
When Nick pulls away, Ryan says, "You know that you have a lot of groveling to do, right?"
"I do," Nick says.
"But I suppose you'll have time, if you're going to insist on coming with us. Which I'm sure is entirely because of me and has nothing to do with the fact that your two children have orchestrated half of this, and they certainly aren't going to be left behind."
"I'm glad I don't have to choose between you and my children," Nick says. "I don't know that I could do that."
"Don't be ridiculous," Ryan says. "You would choose your children over me in a heartbeat."
Nick sighs. "I would. But I would regret having to do it for the rest of my life."
Ryan rolls his eyes. "Stop being so dramatic. If you're going to stick around, you might as well make yourself useful. I'm sure you know more about the perimeter than Jackie did, so come with me and look at some maps."
"Yes, sir," Nick says, and leans in to press a kiss against Ryan's temple. "Whatever you say."
*~*~*
Staying in the barracks isn't as bad as it could be. Everybody gives Jackie a wide berth, as if the stain of treason might seep from Nick to Jackie to them. She ignores them. Valerie comes and has breakfast with her. She does training exercises and goes on patrol and does her best to portray that she doesn't care about what anyone else thinks of her. Her father is safe. Valerie is able to tell her that much. She'll see him in a few days when they make the run.
She was very firm about the timing with Maya and the others. The supply truck always leaves at eight AM, but the time it comes back varies. The people on perimeter would radio when it came within sight, which was usually about a half hour before it reached the valley. That gave everyone time to get into position. Jackie is assigned to the contingent that supervises in town, so she's expected to be in position an hour after the first signal comes in.
"When I don't show up for that duty, we're locked in," she said to Maya. "At that point, my identity as the mole will be blown and even if we don't leave, I can't go back to the compound."
Maya nodded at this, because she would obviously be happier if Jackie never went back to the compound anyway, regardless of what else happens.
"If anything happens—anything at all—that makes you think you might not be prepared to make the run, just—do something drastic. Set a fire, blow up a building. Send some signal to me that means we're not doing it, and we'll just pull back and wait for next month."
She still doesn't feel great about it, but that's mostly because it's been a long week and she's had ample time to think about all the ways things could go wrong. She forces herself to stop examining it too hard as she goes to check the duty roster to see what her patrol schedule will be the next day.
"Hey, Jackie!" It's Leo who meets her there, smiling. "I've got some good news for you."
"Oh, yeah?" she asks, trying not to let the sarcasm seep into her voice too obviously.
"Supply run goes out tomorrow," he says, "and you've got a place on it."
Jackie blinks at him. "I—what?"
"Awesome, right? I've got a space opened up because Martin took over Nick's classes, so he can't go. I talked to Dad, and he agreed that it should be you. I mean, let's face it, you've proven your loyalty about ten times over now, and I know that you've wanted to go for a while."
"Oh, wow," she says, trying to muster up some enthusiasm. "Really? That's fantastic, Leo. Thank you. Really."
"Seven AM sharp for prep," he says, and reaches out to give her a friendly punch on the shoulder. "Don't be late."
"Roger that," she says, and watches as he walks away. Then she heads up to her room in the barracks. She kicks off her shoes, flops onto her back, and closes her eyes.
The paranoid part of her immediately assumes that Leo and Mitchell know what she's planning and that the supply run is integral to their escape. But the more logical part of her asserts itself and understands that this probably isn't true. It's possible, she supposes, but they've had ample opportunity to use the supply run as means to escape before and never done it. No, far more likely is that they're using the supply run as a way to get her off the compound and away from witnesses so they can kill her. Claw up the body and talk about what a martyr she was, poor Jackie Donovan, murdered by werewolves just like her parents, loyal to the Donovan regime to the end. They'll probably make a hero out of her, which is amusing except for the part where she's dead.
It's also possible that they're baiting her. Trying to see what she does. Mitchell is smart enough to know that Jackie is smart enough to see how this is a trap for her. So what will she do? Will she run to her werewolf friends? Make the same mistake as Nick did and hopefully lead Mitchell right to them? Will she try to escape? One way or another, she's sure that she's being watched.
It leaves her with few options. The others won't make the run without her; she's sure of that much. Maya, Nick, Valerie, none of them would. And the more mercenary members of the pack will either be swayed by Jared, whose moral center would never allow them to leave a man behind, or will simply, practically, decide to wait for next month.
If she goes with Leo in the morning, there's at least a ninety percent chance she'll end up dead. She can't imagine he's being honest about wanting her along. Everyone else who goes along on the supply run is a seasoned professional with years, decades, of military experience. Which means that one way or another, this is a trap. Even if she shows up and behaves and gives every evidence that she's a loyal little soldier, they'll still kill her. Mitchell doesn't like loose ends, and he must be keenly aware that now he's killed both of Jackie's fathers. There's no sense in leaving Jackie alive to decide one day she wants justice.
So she can't go. She could try to get out of it, but they gave her last minute notice for a reason. There's no time to fake an illness or an injury that won't be pitifully obvious. Even if she deliberately made herself sick—which she could easily do with a small dose of wolfsbane—they'll know she did it to get out of going with him. At that point it'll be obvious that she knows what they intend, and a liability they can't afford. She'll 'succumb' to whatever illness she's suddenly contracted.
Which means that her only real option to save herself is to leave, which is, of course, exactly what they want her to do. They weren't able to follow Nick because he had gone to Solomon's, and the exte
nsive wards he had set up around his office had prevented them from finding him. Jackie wouldn't be so lucky. Of course, Leo and Mitchell don't know that for sure, but they've clearly decided it's worth taking a chance. That, or they can 'catch' Jackie in the act of treason and execute her just like her father, although likely with less ceremony.
So she can't leave, and she can't go with Leo, and she can't stay.
She has no options whatsoever that don't end in her getting killed.
She stares up at the insides of her eyelids and wonders what her father would do. Either of them. Darryl Jackson was a man of justice. He would never just run away. And Nick Donovan, well, if he was going to go down, he would do it in a blaze of glory.
She needs a weapon.
That's not so difficult, actually, as long as she doesn't do it right away. She'll be issued one for the supply run the next morning. So she can just get up a bit early. Report for duty, get her gun, and go to town. Not literally. Actually, she'll go to Mitchell's office. Because if she's going to die, she's going to take Mitchell with her.
Decision made, it would be nice to get some sleep, but that's obviously not going to happen. It would also be nice to let the others know what's happening, but she can't do that either. She's not going to send Valerie back into town. It's too risky. She's willing to bet that there are extra patrols out tonight, just in case Jackie somehow slips out without being noticed. She decides to write her sister a letter instead, letting her know what had happened and what she's decided to do. She writes it in her code. She'll be able to break it—or if she can't, Maya will. But how can she get it to her? She's sure that Mitchell will go through her things, looking for evidence of illicit activities.
She gets up and heads out into the barracks. Mark Dalton's room is a few doors down. Jackie knocks, and Mark opens it, looking as charming as ever. "Hey, what's up?"
The More Things Change Page 24
