by TJ Klune
“Hello. It snowed last night.” As she went on, her voice grew stronger. “We weren’t expecting it. Surprise snow is my favorite snow. It always has been. I woke early, before everyone else. The compound was quiet, daybreak still an hour or two away. There’s something magnificently strange about snowfall at night. The air feels charged. The light is odd. It’s this faint peach color. I am entranced by it. I walked outside, and while most of the snowfall had passed, there were still flurries, moving statically. It was because of this I decided it was time to write this letter. I can’t explain why, exactly, I felt this was a sign. Sometimes there isn’t a rational explanation, even if we want there to be one. It just feels right. So here I am, pen in hand, thinking of my oldest son.”
I closed my eyes, listening to my father’s words. I heard the voice of my mother, but overlaid with it, I could hear him as if he were speaking. As if he was here with us and reading it instead of her.
Carter is fifteen years old. And like most boys his age, he’s brash and awkward. He’s growing into himself but still apt to trip over his own feet. It makes me smile, but not because he tends to be a little graceless. No, I think it’s because he simply exists at all. I was fortunate enough to be gifted three sons. They have made me a father. But it’s Carter who made me a dad in the first place, and I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge that. When one becomes a dad for the first time, it’s terrifying. It’s enthralling. It’s unlike anything else in the world. Elizabeth will tell you I worried. That I fretted. That I was sure I was going to break him. I wish I could say that’s an embellishment, but it wouldn’t be. I worried and fretted and was convinced I would drop my child the first moment I held him in my arms.
Have you ever loved someone at first sight? I have. Four times, in fact. Elizabeth was the first, though she will probably say it was more hormones than anything else. But I know what I know. When I saw her, I knew there was no one else for me. I was lost to her, and I never wanted to be found.
The second time I fell in love was when Carter Bennett was born. He was so tiny. So fragile. So loud. Oh, he cried. He wailed. I thought there was something wrong with him. But then he was placed in my arms, and he just… stopped. He blinked. And even though it’s just projection on my part, I would have sworn he knew me, that he recognized me. He stopped crying. He stopped moving. He just stared at me. And I knew then that no matter what happened in this life, no matter what we would face, my wife and I had made something so profound that it defied explanation. Love is strange that way. You think you know what to expect, but when it hits you, it’s forceful enough to shatter your entire world. I wasn’t ready for him and all that he would entail. I thought I was. But as I looked down at him, I knew that it was more than I ever thought possible. He was more.
His brothers, my third and fourth loves, followed him, and though I love them all equally, I look back at the moment Carter came into the world as a culmination. He was born in a moment of great strife and loss, and I was tethered by him. He gave me purpose. He gave me strength. I would like to tell you, whoever you are, about Carter.
Here is what I know:
He was never going to be Alpha. I never cared about that.
He’s more like me than his brothers are. That worries me. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve hurt people, though I didn’t intend to. I hope he takes the better parts of me and leaves the rest behind.
He is brave to a fault. Reckless, though he’s quick to apologize if he steps on anyone. He’s also kind, and when he laughs, it’s like the sun rising, warm and filled with life. Once, when he was five years old, I found him on the roof of our house. He’d taped paper to his arms that he’d cut out in the shape of wings. I managed to pull him back before he could jump. I demanded to know what he was doing, my heart in my throat. He looked up at me, a quizzical expression on his face, and said, ‘Daddy, I just wanted to fly like the birds. Why are you mad?’ I didn’t know how to tell him that I’d never been more scared in my life. So instead I just hugged him close and made him promise that he’d never do anything like that again. Two days later I found him on the roof once more. We put locks on the windows after that.
Carter is protective of those he considers his. No one touches his brothers and gets away with it. He’ll put himself between them and danger without regard for his own well-being. He takes the role of the oldest seriously. When Joe was born, he wanted to take him everywhere. When we found him trying to lift Joe from his crib, we asked him what he was doing. He told us that he wanted Joe to sleep in his bed. When we reminded him that babies need to be safe and that the crib was the best place for him, we thought that had resolved the matter. The next night we found Carter and Kelly in the crib with Joe, all three of them asleep, Joe between his brothers. We asked Carter the next morning why it was important for him. He said that he was the oldest, which meant Joe and Kelly needed him to keep them safe.
This is who Carter is. He will stand on a roof because he wants to be a bird. He will snap and snarl at anyone who looks at his brothers the wrong way. He’s funny (well I think he’s funny; Elizabeth doesn’t quite always see it that way). He’s smart too, smarter than people sometimes give him credit for. I’m sure all fathers think that of their children, but there’s an intelligence in him, an undying spark of life that I hope is never extinguished. He’s lovely, every piece and part of him. I often find myself watching him, wondering about what goes through his head. He’s not unknown to me, but there is a secret heart to him that not many get to see.
Which brings me to you. I don’t know who you are. I probably (hopefully) won’t have to find out for a long time. And not because of you. I know that whoever you are, if my son has chosen you, and you have chosen him back, you’ve seen through all the noise and bluster to that secret heart that beats thunderously in his chest. If he has let you in, if he’s dropped the façade of the cocky boy that he is, you are worthy, completely and fully. Never doubt that. The road ahead won’t always be easy. There will be the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. But so long as you remember that he is a gift, then I know you will see the light that burns within him. He loves so big that it takes my breath away. There is no one like him in all the world, and he needs to be treasured. I don’t know if he hears that enough. I try, as does his mother, but how can we even begin to bring words to life to describe all that he entails?
I hope you’ve figured that out because he needs to know. He carries the weight of everything on his shoulders, to his detriment. And I don’t want him to carry that burden alone.
Whoever you are, know this: love him, and you will never have to be alone again. You will know joy. You will know happiness. You’ll know what it means to be loved unconditionally. I know this because I know him. I know joy. I know happiness. I know what it’s like to struggle to breathe when his face lights up at the very sight of me.
He is one of my great loves. And if he is yours, then you know what I mean. Take his heart and hold it close. You will be rewarded far beyond anything you’ve ever known.
And when you’ve finished reading this, when you’ve taken in my words and absorbed them, come find me. I have more to tell you about him. So much more that I can’t put it all down here. Nuances would be lost, and I want you to hear it from me.
Who are you?
Someone special, I think.
I take that back.
I know you’re special. Because Carter Bennett thinks so too.
Yours, Thomas Bennett.
I opened my eyes.
My mother was smiling through her tears.
My own face was wet, and I did nothing to hide it.
Gavin was looking at me, a strange expression on his face.
“What?” I asked him.
He said, “He loved you.”
“Yeah.”
“A lot.”
“Yeah.”
He said, “Did you know that? Just how much?”
I started to nod but then stopped. “I don’t think I did.�
�
He looked back at my mother. She folded the letter and put it back in the envelope. She left it on the desk as she wiped her eyes. “You funny man,” she whispered. “You funny, extraordinary man.” She tapped the envelope. “It’s true. All of it. Every word.”
“He saw me,” I whispered.
“Of course he did,” my mother said. “Always. Which brings me to my last gift. Gavin, do you still understand you have a choice?”
“Yes.”
She said, “When a wolf is born, their Alpha carves them a wolf of stone. It’s a gift. A sign. For a future. To one day be given as a sign of trust. Of love. Before Carter was born, Thomas fretted over it, convinced it would never be good enough. He started over and over, wanting it to be perfect. And it was, even if it was a bit clumsy. He got better at it for Joe and Kelly, but even though Carter’s was imperfect, it’s still to this day my favorite out of the three.”
It was hidden away in the back of my closet. It was quartz. One of the ears was twice as big as the other. The wolf was howling, head tilted back, its tail curled around its legs. The last time I’d looked at it had been the night before I’d left to search for Gavin. I hadn’t given it much thought since then.
Gavin frowned, sinking low in his seat. “I don’t have one.”
“I know,” Mom said gently. “Which is why I want to give you the one Thomas Bennett gave to me.”
I felt gut-punched as she pulled it from the drawer. It was carved from black stone by a deft hand. It was so lifelike, I almost expected it to stretch, head toward the ground, tail rising up behind it. She set it on the desk on top of the envelope before sliding both of them toward Gavin.
He stared at it before looking up at her. “Why?”
She said, “Because he’d want you to have it. Remember, you always have a choice. And no matter what you choose, you will have a place in this pack. But I can’t think of anyone who this should go to more than you.”
“It’s yours,” he said, voice trembling. “From Thomas. To remember him.”
“I don’t need this to remember him,” she said. “I will never forget him. But this? This is for you. Because you deserve it, Gavin. Can’t you see that? You deserve this and so much more.”
She stood and walked around the desk. She stopped next to his chair, and he turned his face into her stomach. She put her hands in his hair, holding him close as he breathed her in. I couldn’t move, stunned into inaction.
Eventually he pulled away.
She came to me then. She leaned down and pressed a kiss to the side of my head. She whispered, “He loved you. More than you could ever know.”
She left, closing the door to the office behind her.
I didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing. My father’s words rang loudly in my head. I was lost to them, and I couldn’t focus. I wanted to pick up the envelope and read through it again and again, but I couldn’t get my arms to work.
It was Gavin who broke through the whirlwind. He said, “I’m pack.”
“Yeah.”
“Scary.”
I looked over at him. “Is it?”
“I think so.”
“Gavin, you don’t have to—”
“He’s right.”
“About what?”
“Everything he wrote. About you.”
“You think so?”
He shrugged. “I think so.”
“Oh.”
“Carter?”
“Yeah?”
He said, “I like you.” That was it. So simple. So devastating. As if he hadn’t knocked me flat. As if he hadn’t changed everything I’d ever known. Three simple words, his heart steady and true, and I’d never felt so alive. It was at once an ending and a beginning.
So I said, “I like you too.” And I never meant it more than I did in this moment.
He smiled. It was coming easier these days. “You do?”
“Yeah, dude. I do.”
“Don’t call me that.”
I laughed until I cried.
page seventy-six/fuck some shit up
They left on a cold day toward the end of December. It was the Sunday after Christmas. They’d considered waiting until after tradition to go, but Ox thought it was best to get to Minnesota sooner rather than later. “I left a message for Aileen this morning to let her know we were on our way,” Joe said as he stood on the porch next to Gordo, his backpack slung over his shoulder.
Mark looked uneasy. “She didn’t pick up?”
“No.”
“That ever happen before?”
“A couple of times. It could be nothing.”
“Or it could be everything,” Joe muttered. He shook his head. “I don’t like this. Splitting up. It feels wrong.”
Rico groaned. “Don’t say that, alfa. You’re inviting trouble in.” Randomly, he made the sign of the cross over his chest.
Kelly rolled his eyes. “We’ll be fine. Joe will put in face time with the people in Caswell, and Robbie can do what he needs to with the library. It’s probably nothing. Aileen and Patrice have their hands full. They’re distracted.” He didn’t sound like he believed his own words.
“At least we’re flying,” Gordo said. He was clutching Mark’s hand and had been for the last hour. “It’ll be quicker this way, so long as none of the wolves lose their fucking minds and try to eat everyone.”
Robbie paled. “I’ve never been on a plane before. Do they really have vomit bags, or is that just a made-up thing? If they do, I’m probably going to need all of them.”
“You’ll be fine,” Mom said. “Kelly will be there with you. And Joe. It’ll be over before you know it. I promise.”
Chris and Tanner came back to the porch after having loaded up the other bags. “Just don’t eat the pilots,” Chris said. “Especially since you don’t know how to fly a plane.”
Robbie was horrified. “I don’t eat people—”
“Knock if off,” Jessie scolded her brother. Dominique laughed quietly as Rico took Joshua from Bambi, making funny faces at his son. “Don’t scare him any more than he already is.”
“I’m not scared!”
“We’ll be fine,” Ox said. “We’re on the first leg of the trip together. You have nothing to worry about.” He shot a glare at Chris, who had the decency to look contrite. “We need to get going.” He went to Rico and Joshua and leaned over to breathe the baby in. Joshua squealed as he reached up and tugged on Ox’s hair.
Joe squeezed Gavin’s shoulder before turning to me and jerking his head toward the SUV they were taking to the airport in Eugene. I told Gavin I’d be right back and followed my brother off the porch. Kelly came too.
“What’s wrong?” I asked in a low voice, knowing the others could still hear us.
Joe shook his head. “Nothing. Well, okay. Everything, but that’s not what I wanted to talk about.”
“Okay? What’s up?”
He hugged me. It took me a moment to hug him back, worried about what was going on, but I wrapped my arms around him. I laughed quietly when Kelly pressed against our sides, his arms around both our necks. Joe’s forehead was against mine, and Kelly leaned his on the sides of our heads.
“I’m scared,” Joe whispered. “I don’t like this. Being apart after finally being back together again.”
I shook him gently. “Duty calls. It won’t be for long. You’ll be back by the end of the week.”
“I know.”
“Joe?”
He sighed. “Just… watch them, okay? Don’t take chances. If something happens, do what you can, but don’t try to play the hero.”
“I’m not going to—”
Kelly said, “Carter.”
“The wards are strong,” I said, chiding them gently. “Gordo and Ox saw to it last night. We’ll be fine. And I’m meeting with Will later to put the word out for the people in town. We’ve got this. If anything, you guys are the ones I’m worried about.”
“I know,” Joe whispered. “But duty
calls.”
“Exactly. You’ve got this, okay? I know you do. You’ll have Robbie and Kelly, and I’m only a phone call away if you need me. Say the word and I’ll be there.”
He laughed. “You’d get on a plane for us?”
“I’d do anything for you. You know that.”
Kelly nodded. “We know.”
I pulled away from them both only to put my hands on the backs of their necks. They looked at me. I said, “We’re going to finish this, you hear me? One way or another, we’re going to finish this. And then nothing will hurt us again.”
“You promise?” Kelly asked.
“Yeah. I do. And since I’m your big brother, you know I’m right. I’m right about pretty much everything.”
Joe snorted, but he looked more relaxed. “I’m not even going to argue with you on that.”
“Good. Because you’d lose.”
He said, “I love you. The both of you. I don’t say that enough, but I need you to know.”
I didn’t like how he sounded. “We love you too. Stop acting like this is goodbye.”
“Isn’t it?”
I shook my head. “No, it’s not. Because you’re going to come home. All of you will. And we’ll be together.”
“Forever,” Kelly said.
“Forever,” I agreed, because I wished for nothing more.
Joe nodded and stepped back. I dropped my hands, fighting the urge to drag them both inside to keep them from leaving.
We rejoined the others. Ox looked at the three of us. “All right?”
“All right,” Joe agreed.
I went back up to the porch. Mark kissed Gordo fiercely, whispering to him not to do anything stupid. “It’s like you don’t even know me,” Gordo said.
“Yeah,” Mark said. “Like I don’t even know you at all.”
And then he let Gordo go. Gordo walked down the porch, and we all pretended not to see the slump of his shoulders. He stood next to Ox, leaning against him. Kelly and Joe were on the other side. Robbie hugged each of us in turn before going to the others.
We stood there, watching each other. Joe was right. This felt wrong.
