by TJ Klune
He’s quick and smart, more so than I gave him credit for.
He will make a good Alpha.
And I wish he could be anything else.
I often wondered who would see him for who he truly was. Who would see beyond the title, beyond the crown to the very heart of him.
I could never have expected it would be someone like you.
I know you, Oxnard Matheson.
I know you.
But there are times I still wonder who you are. How did you become the man I saw just this morning? How did you prevail over all life threw in your path? I won’t be so self-centered to think we played a major part in any of it. No, that honor goes to your mother. She, like you, like Joe, weathered all that was flung upon her and still made it through to the other side. And what’s more, she did it because she knew you were counting on her to do so. I hope you realize that. Once you finish this letter, and if you haven’t done so today, tell her you love her. We never know when it could be the last time we can say such things.
Whatever you decide, I know you’ll be part of Joe’s life, and he will be grateful for it. You are your own man, and the world is a wild and wonderful place. I just hope you remember that no matter where your travels take you, we’ll be waiting here for you if you ever decide to come back.
Who are you?
How are you the way you are?
There is no magic in your blood, no wolf underneath your skin.
And yet I see you, and I think only one thing: Alpha.
Is it the immensity of your heart? The strength of your humanity? I know not, but I don’t think it matters, even if it’s a mystery I wish to solve. Beyond that, I am struck by a simple yet powerful desire: I would have you call me father, if you could. For you are my son, just as Carter is. Just as Kelly is. Just as Joe is. It would be a great privilege. I understand if that’s not something you can do. It’s a lot for anyone to ask. But know that this desire is not contingent upon whatever decision you make, be it Joe or whoever you choose. I will always be here, ready and waiting.
Which is why I must say this last:
I dream of a future where everything is joy and nothing hurts. Life doesn’t work that way; if all we knew was joy, we would lose appreciation for the quiet moments whose profundity can be overlooked. Oh, but I dream of such a day regardless.
I don’t know what the future holds for us. Much is hidden from me. There are people who would take all that I have built. They’ve tried before and almost succeeded. I have seen destruction in its many forms. I held my father as he took his last breath, my claws in his heart to accept a gift I wasn’t ready to receive. I looked into the eyes of a beast as he promised me his loyalty. I stood by a witch whose heart and mind were twisted as he embedded marks into the skin of his son. And it was this same son that I failed when I took everything away from him, worried that he was more like his father than I thought. Destruction in its many forms. It comes for us when we least expect it, from a direction we never thought possible.
You have a part to play, though I hope I’m wrong. And I would keep it from you as long as I am able. You don’t deserve to suffer from the mistakes of others. None of you do. I’ve thought (more than once) of keeping you from this. To shun you. To send you away. What does that make me? I don’t know. What does it mean that I can’t find the strength to do so? I don’t know that either. Damned? That sounds like it could be right. Damned either way.
I will do what I can to prepare you for whatever may come. I will give you my everything, because that is what a father must do. You’ve heard me say that an Alpha puts the needs of his pack above all others. You are my pack, Ox. You have been from the beginning.
I was wrong earlier, when I said there was no magic in your blood.
I was wrong when I said there was no wolf underneath your skin.
You are magic. You are wolf. More than I ever thought possible.
Joe saw that before the rest of us. Whatever light burns within you, it burns bright, and I can’t help but want to bask in it. One day I hope you’ll see what the rest of us do. You are light, my son, my wondrous child. And I am so very happy to know you.
I expect when you finally read this letter, I’ll be waiting nervously to hear your thoughts. I’ll wonder if you’ll think I’m just a silly old man writing pretty words. Maybe you’ll laugh at me, though it won’t be cruel. Maybe you won’t be ready to see what I see. And that’s okay. We have time.
Or maybe you’ll come to me on a sunny day much like today, and you’ll look upon me in that quiet way you do. You’ll take my hand in yours and you’ll call me father. Oh, what a wonderful day that would be.
It’s getting late. The sun is setting. The door to my office is open, and I can hear Lizzie singing in the kitchen. Mark is on the front porch, drinking from a mug of spicy tea. Carter and Kelly are in the backyard. They’re laughing, laughing, laughing.
And just now, I looked out the window to see you and Joe walking down the dirt road toward the house at the end of the lane. You are smiling. And Joe is looking at you as if you are the moon itself.
I can’t think of a more perfect moment.
It’s time to bring my rambling to an end.
I’ll finish by saying this: I don’t know what the future holds, what sacrifices we must make, but I believe with all my heart and soul that my dream of joy is within our grasp, so long as we are brave enough to reach for it.
I love you all more than anything.
And I always will.
Eternally yours,
Thomas Bennett
TJ KLUNE is a Lambda Literary Award-winning author (Into This River I Drown) and an ex-claims examiner for an insurance company. His novels include The House in the Cerulean Sea and The Extraordinaries. Being queer himself, TJ believes it's important—now more than ever—to have accurate, positive, queer representation in stories.
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Other Works by TJ Klune
THE BEAR, OTTER AND THE KID CHRONICLES
Bear, Otter and the Kid
Who We Are
The Art of Breathing
The Long and Winding Road
TALES FROM VERANIA
The Lightning-Struck Heart
A Destiny of Dragons
The Consumption of Magic
A Wish Upon the Stars
GREEN CREEK
Wolfsong
Ravensong
Heartsong
Brothersong
AT FIRST SIGHT
Tell Me It’s Real
The Queen & the Homo Jock King
Until You
Why We Fight
HOW TO BE
How to Be a Normal Person
How to Be a Movie Star
IMMEMORIAL YEAR
Withered + Sere
Crisped + Sere
STANDALONES
Burn
Olive Juice
Murmuration
Into This River I Drown
John & Jackie
The Bones Beneath My Skin
The House in the Cerulean Sea
The Extraordinaries
