by Jamie Knight
I can feel her body tense beneath me, I know she's close. I thrust faster, but remain gentle. I can feel her grip on me tighten. My name is a moan on her lips. I can feel her climax, then her body goes limp. I imagine her lying there, satisfied and spent.
Before this goes any further, I shake those thoughts from my head. No matter how much I imagine it, that just wouldn't be right. She's a virgin. She's pure and sweet with an innocent soul. I couldn't take advantage of her like that no matter how attracted to her I am.
I shuffle through the papers on my desk. What I need to do is wait for the next auction. I'm sure to find my usual type of woman there to get my kinks out with. That is the best option after all. Right?
I stop with the papers. I can feel the doubt creeping in again. Why can't I leave this woman alone? She has such a hold over me, I have no idea what I'm going to do. I angrily try to focus on work. I'm going to be frustrated all day, but I might as well get some work done.
That fantasy that I had earlier was no help either. It just cemented her further in my mind. Eventually I'm able to accomplish a moderate amount of work before lunch. I'm still in a shit mood though. I go out of my way to avoid the people in the office.
I'm in no state of mind to deal with anyone right now. I know that's no way to work but it can't be helped right now. Until I'm able to sort my feelings out this is what I will have to endure. I eat lunch quickly then go back to work.
Thank goodness I have no real problems at the office to deal with today. That would really be a nightmare. I can't wait for this day to be over so I can go back to sleep and not have to think about anything.
That deep sleep I got the other day was a big help to me for a little while. I know I shouldn't keep putting off this situation, but it frightens me to have feelings like this. The last time I felt anything for a person I got hurt. I don't like feeling vulnerable. I don't ever want to feel that way again.
Still, I don't think Lorelai is the type to hurt anyone. I think it's the opposite based on the stories she told me about her love life, but you can never be too careful. It's always better to be safe than sorry. Especially when it pertains to matters of the heart.
Chapter 12 - Lorelai
I'm thoroughly depressed. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. It's silly to get all emotional over a guy you just met, but I can't help it. That night was the most memorable night that I have ever had.
It's been… I don't know how long since the date and I still haven't heard from Gabriel. I don't like to think about it too much because it makes me sad. I need to just give up. If he hasn't called by now, then I guess he's not going to call at all.
I stop looking at my phone and getting my hopes up every time. I need to just put him out of my mind and forget about him. Definitely easier said than done, though. I have never had feelings as strong as this before. How am I just supposed to forget about him? It was a mistake to give him my phone number, I realize that now. He clearly wasn't interested in pursuing anything with me. I feel like such a fool.
I’m so glad that I am at work today. Hopefully I have enough to do to distract me. It hurts my heart to keep thinking about this. I didn't want to get attached or feel this way.
I have some free time after a fitting with a new client, so I'm using my computer in the back office. I check the website for the shop and am now looking through all of my emails. The more I think about it, the more I realize how disappointing it is. I guess Gabriel was only interested in getting into my pants. That should have been evident by the way he disconnected after the kiss.
I guess all that chemistry I felt between us was only on my part. That's nothing new. I fall in love really fast. I always have. I sigh because these thoughts are depressing me. I don't want to think about this anymore. I guess I just need to move on, like I'm sure he already has.
As I’m scrolling on my computer, something in my inbox catches my attention. I squint at the screen to read it better. My heart pounds in my chest as I open the email. I think I recognize the name, but I'm not sure. My only focus that night was Gabriel. I push him out if my mind as I read the email.
I was right. It's from the hostess of the auction. I'm excited as I read through it. She writes to me, "Hello. I hope this email finds you well. I just wanted to congratulate you again on your success at the last auction."
I smile. Despite what it’s done to my heart, the auction had done wonders for the shop. I'm still happy about that. I’d gotten most of the repairs done, and had even replenished some of the damaged stock.
I hurry to write her back, "Hello. I'm well thanks. Thank you for your kind words. It was an interesting event to take part in. "
I click out of the email and put my computer aside, ready to find something else to work on. I recently had some new fabrics delivered, so I unpack them from the boxes and put them in their places in the stockroom. After taking the empty packages outside to the dumpster, I return to the shop to hear my computer beep, alerting me to a new email. I hurry to check it.
It's from the hostess again. "That's great to hear! If you have the time and are interested, we would like to work with you again, perhaps hosting another event at your business? We do offer a handsome hosting fee,” She writes.
I remember what Tammy had told me about the hosting fee, and immediately I’m tempted. I stare at the email for a few minutes before replying. I don't know if I should go through with this. I kind of feel like once was enough. But then I look around my shop and sigh softly.
If I had more money I could do so much more here. Maybe I could expand my business like I wanted to. I could definitely finish up the remainder of the repairs that I need. I hurry to respond to her email by writing, "Yes, I am open to this possibility. Call me this afternoon and we can discuss it further."
My heart pounds as I click “send.”
Once I receive a confirmation from her, I get off the computer. I need time to think about everything. This is quite a big thing to pull off, especially since the shop is nowhere near what it used to be. I know I'm determined enough that I can make the event a success. I need to. I have a lot of plans to accomplish with that money.
I look at the wall behind me. Pinned to it are papers and blueprints that fill me with nostalgia as I look at them. They’re plans for the business that my grandmother and I had made together. Suddenly, I'm glad I agreed to host another auction. I can do so much good here with that money. I go back out into the shop and clear up the area.
I always keep the shop tidy, but I need something to occupy my mind. I'm starting to think about auctioning myself off again. I could make a little extra money by doing that. My mind fills with a million thoughts, then suddenly my heart feels full of sadness at one specific thought and I sit down. The auction reminds me of Gabriel. I didn’t want to think about him again, but I can't help it.
I don't know if I can go through with it. What if I run into him there? Or worse, what if he doesn't show up? An even more terrifying thought is what if I auction myself off and some other guy wins me?
I shudder at the thought. I don't want some creep all over me. No, it's better if I stick to hosting. I tell myself it's safer, and I'll still make good money that way. Deep down I know the real reason is because nothing will be the same as it was with Gabriel.
Trying to push him from my head, I think about the plans that my grandmother and I talked about. If I were to participate in the auction I would have enough to carry out those plans, but my heart won't let me. I know I have already made my final decision. Try as I might, I just can't get my mind off Gabriel.
In just one night, somehow he left an indelible emotional mark in my heart.
Chapter 13 - Gabriel
It's late evening when I find a parking spot on the crowded street. The sun has barely gone down. I check my hair in the rearview mirror before turning off the engine. Dressed in my most stylish suit, I grab my car keys and phone and put them in my pocket and take a deep b
reath. "You can do this." I say to myself.
For a second I believe it and get out of the car. I close the door carefully and look around. I always feel uneasy in areas of town that I am not familiar with. But I shrug it off because now is neither the time nor place to be worrying. I need to focus tonight. I’m on a mission. There's a reason I'm doing what I'm doing, and I shouldn't lose sight of that.
This is a quiet part of town. There aren’t a lot of businesses around here. I'm actually not all that familiar with this area. I search my pockets and pull out a piece of paper. There's directions written on it. I follow them as I walk down the sidewalk. I don't know why I agreed to be here tonight. Well I actually do, but I don't like thinking about it, but I can't stop myself. I hope tonight will be the distraction that I need. I want my life to go back to normal, but I don't know if that's possible. Nothing has been the same since I met her. I keep thinking about how strange and frightening that is.
It all started when I was at the bar last night with Tim. We had already had a few drinks when he turned to me and asked, "Hey, there's another auction happening tomorrow night. Are you interested?"
I took a long sip from my beer. "I don't know…." I replied hesitantly.
I still haven't sorted out my feelings for Lorelai. Going to the auction would only remind me of her, and of that night. I didn't want to relive those feelings, or that experience.
Tim downed his beer and ordered another. "Listen, forget about that girl and find another. These things are all about having fun and getting laid. That's the whole reason you go anyways," he pointed out.
I fidgeted with my empty beer bottle. He was right, I guess. I couldn't keep living my life like this. I took a long drink for courage.
Finally I looked at him, "All right, where is it supposed to be?” I asked him.
"That's my boy!" He cheered.
He patted me on the back. "I don't know exactly but let me write down the address and directions. That's what they did for me,” by then, his speech was a little slurred.
He pulls a pen out of his pocket and writes the information down on a napkin on the bar, then hands it to me and we finish our beers.
I stayed up all night, I second guessed my decision, but in the end I decided once more that I had no choice but to come.
I slow my steps, looking up from his scribbled directions. "This area is starting to look a little familiar," I murmur to myself.
I keep walking. I'm puzzled because I never visit this area of town. Why would it seem so familiar then? I glance at my watch, the auction should be starting soon. I sigh happily, it will be nice to have some fun here and get Lorelai off of my mind. I need to get back to the person that I used to be.
Do I really want that? I can't answer that question. Meeting her has made me feel so many different things. It's also made me think differently about myself and my life. Those are things that I don't like doing. I felt like things were going perfect up until now. It's like she’s turned my whole world upside down. I'm going to get another migraine if I keep thinking about this.
I read the address on the napkin. It's a few seconds before I realize that I'm walking right in front of it, and I pause to look up at the building. My mouth hangs open in shock. It's a bridal shop, and I recognize the name.
Lorelai’s shop.
I want to swear out loud. No wonder the neighborhood looked so familiar. There are a few people standing outside.
Thankfully it's no one I know. I need to hurry up and get out of here before I'm recognized. I was pretty popular on the auction circuit, so being recognized is highly likely, in any size town.
I knew I shouldn't have come here tonight. What are the odds that the auction would be hosted at this location? I turn to walk away before I'm noticed, but a loud voice from behind me squeals: "Oh my gosh, it's you!"
I turn around, startled as a woman rushes at me and wraps her arms around me. I try to wriggle out of her unwelcome hug. It takes me a few seconds to recognize her as an old fling, although her name still eludes me. "Oh, yeah, but I have to leave."
I try to walk away, not wanting to get involved in this. I feel nothing but horror and revulsion as I stand here. It's bizarre, feeling this way. Something new that I will have to deal with, I guess. I should be used to that by now. Nothing in my world makes sense anymore, no matter how much I want it to.
"Oh no you don't! Come join the fun!" She exclaims in her obnoxious, high-pitched voice.
I try to pull away but she grasps my hand firmly and pulls me into the line of people going into the auction. They must have advertised this one well, because there are a lot more people here. We join the crowd on the inside. This woman keeps chattering away at me, and my stomach turns at every word she is saying. "I had so much fun with you at that auction a few months back. Do you remember?"
Uh oh, I have a sinking feeling in my gut as she talks.
I try to ignore her. I'm nervous as I look around the shop. There is quite a crowd so I should blend in, at least until I can make my escape. The woman tries to recapture my attention by putting an arm around me and saying, "I hope you'll be bidding tonight. I'm looking forward to playing with you again." Her words make me feel sick to my stomach, despite her attempt to be seductive.
I don’t have time to process that now, though. All I know is that I need to leave as soon as possible.
I try to get out of her reach again. I want nothing more than to be away from here right now. Usually I'd be thrilled to have something like this happen. It's obvious this woman is more than ready. All it would take is a few quick words from me and I could slip out with her for a quick fuck.
Why does that thought make me queasy? It would be so easy to do it, to just get it all out of my system right now. That is what I came here for after all.
I feel like my head is spinning at all these different thoughts. I need some air.
As she keeps talking about the things we can do, the strangest thing is happening. I feel no arousal at all. To be perfectly honest, I feel kind of sickened by the thought of doing anything with this woman. Though it’s nothing personal, I’m sure she and I had had a fine time.
I’m more shocked and confused than ever before. I'm so wrapped up in my thoughts that I forgot she was still hanging onto me. I look around the crowd, and that's when I spot her. Lorelai.
My heart stops when I see her across the room. Our eyes lock. She looks just as beautiful, maybe more so than I remember. I'm frozen to the spot, unable to look away from her mesmerizing eyes. I see hurt etched on her face, for a second I’m confused.
It's then that I remember the woman with her arms around me. I roughly pull myself away from her. "Hey!" She exclaims in surprise and anger.
But I don't have time to deal with her. I need to go after Lorelai to explain
"Where are you going?" she asks, catching my elbow again.
I try to wrestle free, but by the time I turn around, Lorelai has disappeared into the crowd. I feel shock and shame mix in the pit of my stomach. I glare angrily at the woman who backs off instantly. "What's your problem?" she snaps.
I’m too angry to speak, I just roll my eyes at her and stalk off in the direction of the men's room. I don't need to use it, I just desperately need some space.
Once I'm in there I splash cold water on my face and give myself a long hard look in the mirror. I didn't even bother to check before, but the bathroom is empty. Fortunate. I need to be alone right now.
I can't get over that look on Lorelai’s face. It cut me to the quick tosee her like that, and it's my fault. I should have tried harder to get away. Now I'm wrestling with my feelings again. That's why I didn't want to be here tonight. Ugh, I hate this. I shouldn't be feeling anything right now. This night has turned into a complete disaster. I need to stop letting my drunk friends talk me into things. Once I realized where I was I knew it was inevitable that I would see her.
A part of me was hoping to avoid that.
I honestly don't know what I was expecting, her to welcome me with open arms? Not very likely after the way I left her hanging. A part of me wants to blame the woman that was talking to me, but I know it's my own fault. I knew beforehand that I didn't really want to be here, but I let Tim talk me into it anyways. Besides, I usually get recognized by the women at the auctions, it was just bad timing. Extremely bad timing. I've made such a mess of everything. Now I'm going to be up all night worrying and thinking about everything all over again. I'm no better off than I was before I came to the auction. In fact, I think things might be a little worse off now.
I look around as other men enter the bathroom. I need to get a grip and figure out what to do. I can't stay in here forever, but I don't know if I can handle the possibility of running into her again. The expression on her face will forever haunt me. I sigh in frustration. This is why I don't like feelings or emotions. They are too complicated and someone always ends up getting hurt. Love is messy and complicated, two main reasons to avoid falling into it.
I fix my hair and straighten my suit. I know what I need to do. I need to be a man and take responsibility for my actions. That's the only way to fix this problem. As I walk out of the bathroom, I have only one goal in mind. I need to find Lorelai and talk to her. I can't let anyone or anything stop me from that. As I walk outside, I notice the shop is more crowded now. This is going to make it damn near impossible to find her, but I need to. Thank goodness I don't see the woman who latched onto me earlier. I think I was rude enough to her that she'll leave me alone now. I keep my eyes peeled for any sight of Lorelai and her red hair. She's average height, so that will make her more difficult to spot in the crowd.
I turn around several times, my eyes playing tricks on me. I think I see her only to be disappointed each time. A few women have already gone on stage, but I'm not paying attention. I keep walking circles through the crowd hoping that I will see her. I get more sad and frustrated each time that I don't, and eventually, I start to lose hope.
