by Beck, J. L.
Just as I go to place my fork down on the tray, I look up and spot Jackson and his friend, Talon, walking into the cafeteria. Oh, great, now everyone can laugh at me together. Once they’re closer, Crystal starts to squirm in her seat as if she’s a little kid who has to pee.
“Jackson,” Crystal purrs, as they approach the table, and acid bubbles up in my throat. “I’m so glad you’re here.”
I think I’m going to be sick.
“Yeah, I bet,” Jackson replies but doesn’t even look in her direction.
In fact, his eyes are on me, burning through my clothes and into my skin. I feel as if I’m under a microscope being inspected.
“Come sit with us. There’s plenty of room.” Crystal pats the seat next to her, and I wonder if she can see how desperate she is being in that moment. Then again, I don’t know why I care how desperate she acts. I’m not in competition with her. Jackson and I aren’t even friends, let alone anything past that.
“Nah, I’m going to sit with Kennedy,” Jackson says, shocking the hell out of me as he takes the seat in front of me. Talon follows suit, taking the spot beside him.
“Hey,” Talon greets me, and my cheeks burn with fire.
“Hey,” I whisper back.
“Talon, Kennedy. Kennedy, Talon,” Jackson introduces us, and it seems like everyone in the room is staring at me. I’m not sure what to say. It’s not like these people are my friends.
I can see Crystal out of the corner of my eye. She looks like she’s ready to scratch my eyes out, little does she know there isn’t anything going on between us.
“Jackson, you know, I was thinking, maybe we could hang out again, we have so much fun every time we’re together.” Her teeth sink into her bottom lip, and she bats her eyes at him, and I grab my tray, preparing to leave, but stop when I see that Jackson isn’t even looking at her. He’s watching me. He hasn’t looked her way once, and in fact, from the tightness in his jaw and tension in his eyes, I could only guess that he’s annoyed.
A second passes, and then another, no one says anything, and like a hurricane making landfall, Crystal explodes.
“You don’t have to ignore me, especially not for some geek with an ugly ass scar on her face.” Crystal and her friends break out in laughter as her words slice through me. I try and cover up my shock with a mask of indifference before Jackson can see it, but it’s too late. Fury overtakes his features, and I’m half tempted to tell him he doesn’t have to stick up for me, but keep my mouth shut.
“I’m not ignoring you because of Kennedy. I’m ignoring you because you’re clingy and annoying, and I’m not interested. I’ve said it ten times. How much clearer do you need it to be?” Crystal’s face looks as if she’s tasted something sour.
“Excuse me, but no one says no to me. Every guy wants me, even you. You just won’t admit it.” She purses her lips. “Isn’t that right, even you want me, Talon?”
Talon shrugs. “I mean, I’d fuck you, but you aren’t the type I’d keep around.”
Crystal and all her friends gasp in shock, and I decide to make my exit. I don’t want to be a part of this squabble any longer. I’m not anything to Jackson, and I don’t want him to feel obligated to stick up for me anymore.
Grabbing my tray, I get up from my seat and walk to the trash. Dumping the half-eaten salad into the garbage, I do my best not to run out of the cafeteria. I make it through the double doors and down a set of steps before I hear someone running behind me. Glancing over my shoulder, I find Jackson running toward me.
“What the hell, Kennedy?” he growls as he reaches me, his breathing harsh.
“I…” What do I even say?
“You didn’t have to leave because of her. She would’ve left all on her own.”
I tuck a stray strand of hair behind my ear and look up at him. “You didn’t have to stick up for me, and I wasn’t going to stay there and watch a fight ensue that I had no right being a part of. Those are your friends. Plus, I was done eating, anyway.”
Jackson’s brows furrow, and his nostrils flare. “You still had a whole salad, and you didn’t even open your water.”
I shrug, knowing I’ve been caught in a lie. “I lost my appetite. Anyway, I’m fine. Go back inside.”
“Why?”
Confusion bleeds into my face. “Why not? They’re your friends.”
“Talon is my friend. Crystal is no one.”
A heartbeat passes, and then another, and I’m not sure what to say. Do I tell him about what Crystal said about this morning? Come out and ask him if he’s sleeping with both of us? Or is that too straight forward? He told her he wasn’t interested, but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t interested before.
“Did she say something to you?” he interrupts my thoughts with his question. I suppose it’s now or never.
Licking my lips, I say, “Not directly. It was more telling the entire cafeteria.”
“What did she say?” Jackson crosses his arms over his chest, making himself look more imposing.
I drop my gaze to the floor and stare at my sneakers. “She said that you called her this morning to come over, and that you hung out together last night. I don’t really care who you hang out with, but like I told you before, I don’t want to catch any diseases or anything, and I don’t know who else you’re doing stuff with and…” I’m rambling now.
“Shut up,” Jackson says sternly, and I feel my heart sink into my stomach. Things were going so well. Why did I have to go and screw them up?
Goosebumps break out across my skin when Jackson’s fingers grip onto my chin, forcing me to look up and into his forest green eyes, in the sun, they seem a shade lighter than usual.
“If I wanted to fuck someone else, I would. The only person I’m doing anything with is you, and I literally can’t stand Crystal. I don’t want her, and we aren’t friends.”
I nod or at least try with his grasp holding my head in place. My shoulders suddenly feel lighter, and warmth fills me, knowing he isn’t with anyone else but me.
“Oh, okay. You didn’t… you didn’t have to tell me. We aren’t anything. You said it yourself, we’re not even friends.”
A ghost of a smile tugs at Jackson’s lips. “We’re complicated, to say the least, and I didn’t have to say something. But I’m dicking you, so you deserve to know if I’m doing the same to other girls, which I’m not.”
“Dicking?” I can’t help but giggle at the term. “Is that even a word?”
“It is now,” he says, grinning. “Seriously, though, I wouldn’t do that to you.”
I shouldn’t even ask, shouldn’t even contemplate saying the word, but my mouth gets the word out before I can stop it. “Why?”
He shrugs. “I wouldn’t allow you to sleep with someone else. So, it’s only fair I extend the same courtesy to you.”
And in a roundabout way, I feel like he respects me more. That he’s seeing me for more than what I did and who I took from him.
We both lost Jillian that day, and though we didn’t die, whatever we shared did. I want that back more than anything in the world because when I’m with Jackson, everything seems a little brighter, a little easier.
88
Jackson
A week passes, and things with Kennedy remain the same. I hate admitting how much better I feel when we’re together. It still seems like I’m betraying Jillian by befriending Kennedy, and it takes an enormous amount of effort to remind myself daily that that’s not the case.
My mind is assaulted by images of Kennedy from the night that we shared dinner together. Her smile, the way she opened up to me. It’s not new, we’d always been friends, so I don’t know why it’s so different, but it feels like we’re just becoming friends for the first time.
Walking out of my business class, I wait in the courtyard for Kennedy to show. She should be coming from her economics class soon. Tugging my phone out of my pocket, I settle on a bench and let the warmth of the sun beat down on me.
Going to
my messages, I find three brand new ones from my best friend from high school, Ty. He goes to North Woods University, so I haven’t seen him in almost a year.
I grin as I scroll through the messages.
Ty: What up, man?
Ty: Dude, really? Ignoring me?
Ty: Can’t ignore me if I’m there, right?
Ty: Psst. I’m here, and the fucking chicks are *flame emoji*
I’m not shocked at all that he just showed up here, and I’m actually happy he’s here. With a fight at the pits tonight and a party over at the frat house, he’s come at the perfect time. Typing out my response, my finger moves over the send key when I feel someone walking up behind me.
“Guess who?” Ty’s dumbass voice filters into my ear, and I twist around to face him.
“Hey, dumbass,” I say, snickering. “I was just about to text you back.”
“Yeah? After I already sent you four messages. I see where I rate.” Crossing his arms over his chest, I can see he’s been working out more. He was always kind of athletic, and girls flocked to our group of friends all the time. Ty was a lady killer, and I’m sure he still is.
“I was in class, what do you want me to do, pull out my phone, and message you back right away?” Conceited bastard obviously still thinks the world revolves around him.
Ty taps his chin. “Actually, yeah, I do.”
Walking around the bench, he takes the spot next to me. “What are you doing sitting out here? People watching? Or pussy watching?”
Do I tell him about Kennedy? Probably not. There isn’t anything going on between us, but yet I’m sitting on the bench waiting for her to come out of her class.
I decide to tell him a little white lie, then if Kennedy comes out, I can pretend like I didn’t see her or something if she asks. “Just sitting here. It’s nice out, and maybe I wanted to catch some rays?”
Ty chuckles, running his fingers through his dark brown hair. “What are we doing this weekend? Partying? Chicks? I didn’t come here just to sit on a park bench.”
Twisting around, I pin him with a stare. “Dude, you’ve been here five minutes, chill.”
Ty shrugs, and I look away, hoping he’ll chill the fuck out. Maybe he’s on something? Wouldn’t be the first time, and would explain why he’s so hyped up, his knee bouncing up and down and his hands moving, tapping against his thighs.
Students come rushing out of the economics hall, and my heart beats a little bit faster. I feel anxious as I watch, waiting for her blonde head to appear in the crowd. I shouldn’t be watching for her, waiting, wanting to spend any more time than I do with her, but I can’t help myself. Being around her makes me feel better.
Spotting Kennedy in the crowd, I suppress a smile.
“Holy fuck, is that Kennedy?” Ty leans over, nudging me in the side as if I’m not already looking right at her.
“Yeah, she goes to school here.” I try not to show my disgust at him saying her name. I don’t want him to even remotely know that I care about her.
“I thought this was a fancy-ass school. How did they let someone like her in? I still can’t believe they let her go.” Ty shakes his head, and I have to fight the urge to sucker punch him for talking about her like that. Then he does something that I never expected.
“Hey, killer!” he yells as she descends the steps. She looks up, and her face becomes ashen. Her gaze bounces like a ping pong ball from Ty and back to me before she finishes descending the steps and turns around the corner.
“What the fuck?” I growl, turning to Ty.
“What?” He seems legitimately confused. I’m pissed, so fucking angry that he said something like that, and more so that I was sitting next to him while he did it.
“You can’t just go around yelling shit like that.” I sigh, frustrated with Ty and my feelings for Kennedy.
Ty’s gaze widens with shock. “Why not? I mean, you of all people should hate her the most. She got into a car drunk and killed your sister.”
“I know!” I almost scream out in frustration. I’m angry with him, with myself, the whole situation. “I fucking know what she did. But I also know that she’s been through enough. She lost Jillian too, and it’s not like she did it on purpose. Hating her isn’t going to bring her back.” Ty looks at me like I’ve grown a second head.
“Well, damn, I didn’t know you would actually forgive her for what she did. Especially considering…” He trails off, looking anywhere besides me.
“Considering what?”
“Nah, man, I shouldn’t tell you.”
“Tell me, what? Out with it, Ty.”
“Man, I probably should’ve told you this earlier, but I didn’t want to make things worse, but that night… Kennedy came on to me.”
“What?”
“Yeah, man, she begged me to fuck her, and I wouldn’t. She left so quickly because I rejected her. She wanted to be with you and thought if she used me to make you jealous, you would finally notice her.” Ty releases a laugh. “Funny, seems she got everyone’s attention.”
For one whole minute, I just sit there. I don’t even think I’m breathing. The content feeling fades away, and the darkness, the hate, it all comes flooding back to me. In an instant, my thoughts flip. It’s like being struck by lightning.
“Sorry, I didn’t tell you sooner,” Ty’s voice pierces the fog.
I can’t even speak, my jaw is clenched so hard, my hands are curled into tight fists, and the blood in my veins is itching for violence. I’m afraid if I get up right now, something bad is going to happen, and yet I can’t fucking sit here and wait.
I’m furious, she fucking played me. It wasn’t just her getting in the fucking car and driving drunk. She did it for a selfish reason, got in the car and left, unable to wait for me, probably because she didn’t want me to know that she tried to get my best friend to fuck her.
My sister died because Kennedy wanted to be a selfish fucking bitch.
Shoving off the bench, I start running in the direction Kennedy went. I’m consumed with a need to make her pay, to rip her heart from her fucking chest.
If she thought she could play me, soften me, with her little pity story about cutting, or use my emotions against me, she thought wrong.
“Jackson, wait up. Where are you going?” Ty yells behind me.
I don’t even look back as I continue walking. “To find her!”
89
Kennedy
He’s here. Why is he here? My feet can’t seem to move fast enough as I sprint down the sidewalk and through the throngs of people congesting my route of escape.
“Where’s Jackson now? Who’s going to protect you?” I can hear his voice ringing in my ears, feel his fingers digging into my flesh. Tears prick my eyes at the memory.
I’m drowning, suffocating in fear. Walking a little faster, I dart through the crowd and almost sag to the ground once I’m past everyone. Gripping the straps of my backpack, I start walking again, but I’ve only taken one step before someone grabs me by my backpack, hauling me backward. A scream lodges in my throat but becomes nothing more than a muffled squeak.
“Did you think you could use me? That you could play me?” Jackson’s rage-filled voice burns the tips of my ears. I try to twist around in his grip, but it’s no use as I almost trip over my own feet while he drags me behind him. What is happening?
Tugging me around a corner, I don’t realize that I’m trapped between two buildings until Jackson shoves me against the brick exterior. Like a bear, his body looms over mine, blocking out any slivers of sunlight.
I shiver at the feral look in Jackson’s eyes, and that’s when I see him. Tylor. Oh, god. This can’t be happening. Placing a hand against my stomach, I try to combat the need to vomit. I have to get away, have to escape before he hurts me.
“Answer me!” Jackson yells into my face. His fingers dig into my upper arms as he gives me a shake as if he is trying to shake a response out of me. His grip is so tight, my arms hurt. The same hands tha
t caressed me last night, now leave bruises on my skin.
“I…” Is the only thing I can get past the lump in my throat. Only then do his words trickle into my fear-stricken mind. “Did you think you could use me? That you could play me?” What is he talking about? I shake my head, trying to tell him that I don’t understand, but he only shoves me against the wall again. My head bounces off the brick, and I welcome the pain. It’s better than the fear, better than the throbbing ache in my chest.
My vision blurs with tears, but I can still make out Tylor standing right next to us, a sinister smirk on his face.
“You’re a selfish bitch, and I can’t believe that I fell for your act, that I even considered forgiving you.”
I’m so confused.
“What?” I ask, my voice cracking in two at the end.
“Come on, killer, you didn’t think I wasn’t going to tell him, did you?” Tylor’s voice is like acid touching my skin, and when he touches his crotch, bile rises in my throat. I want to scream, to fight, to tell Jackson that whatever he told him isn’t true, but I can’t get the words out.
Jackson’s entire body trembles with indescribable rage, and I flinch, afraid that he may actually hurt me. I’ve never seen him so angry, seen him so close to the edge.
“I thought if I showed you that I cared, we could both heal, but I realized today that you don’t deserve to heal. You deserve to suffocate, to drown in your own pain and misery.” Then he leans into me, his lip curled—I turn away, afraid of what may happen if I look him in the eyes—as he whispers, “Cut yourself a little deeper next time.”
He doesn’t know it, but his words cut me deeper than any wound I could ever inflict on myself. He could throw me to the wall hard enough to crack my skull, and it wouldn’t hurt as much as this. Deep down, I knew I shouldn’t have trusted him. I ate out of his open palm, letting him feed me lies, and make me believe something that was far too good to be true.
