by Kate Field
Her joyful laugh was enough to contradict her words.
‘Hello, Mum.’ Ethan kissed her, then stepped back and looked her up and down. ‘You look beautiful.’
‘Is it very naughty of me to agree?’ Audrey gave him a twirl. ‘It’s all down to my darling Mary, who blow-dried my hair. Hasn’t she done the most marvellous job?’
Ethan smiled at me, and I braced myself for a sarcastic comment but none came.
‘Aren’t you going to offer us some bubbles?’ Audrey said. ‘Irene, we’d like some bubbles, wouldn’t we?’ Poor Mum had no chance to answer. ‘Four more glasses please, Ethan.’
‘Four?’ I repeated. ‘I don’t think Jonas and Ava …’
‘Oh Mary, live a little! One glass of wine won’t do them any harm. Leo and Ethan have been drinking since they were twelve.’
‘Is that supposed to reassure me?’ I said. Ethan laughed and I shrugged, determined not to give him any more cause to call me beige. Perhaps I should live a little, if this was life: standing in the sunshine, with my favourite people, drinking Prosecco. It was certainly better than watching Friday-night TV with only Dotty for company.
‘Come on, Ava, you can help carry the glasses.’ Ava followed Ethan without a second’s hesitation, but I was relieved to see that when she came back out she was carrying a glass of Coke in one hand.
‘That stuff is disgusting,’ she announced, handing a glass of the disgusting stuff to her brother. They wandered off to find someone more interesting to talk to, and Ethan chatted for a few minutes, until he suddenly trailed off and stared over my shoulder.
‘You brought a date?’
‘What?’ I turned and saw Owen walking down the lane. ‘Yes, I invited Owen. I didn’t think you’d mind.’
‘I didn’t know it was still going on. You’ve not mentioned him, and Ava hasn’t grumbled for a while.’
The truth was that not much had been going on recently. After Breastgate, we had lapsed back into meeting for dog walks, where I could be sure that nakedness wouldn’t be an issue, and I had avoided any contact closer than the occasional brush of lips. I knew I couldn’t go on like that forever, and this party had seemed like a perfect chance for us to take another step in the safety of a crowd. I waved at Owen, uncomfortably conscious of Ethan’s gaze boring into the back of my head.
‘Who is it? Is it Leo?’ Audrey moved to my side. ‘Oh no, it’s not. Leo has a shirt just like that, doesn’t he? Such a lovely shade of blue. Is this a friend of yours, Mary?’ She gasped, and stared at me. ‘Did Ethan call him your date? Do you have a boyfriend?’
I waited for her to be pleased, to say how marvellous it was, but she simply carried on looking at me with a rather perplexed, almost sad expression. She perked up when Owen joined us and I made the introductions, but she still only managed a subdued smile of greeting. What had happened to the instruction to live a little?
Ethan didn’t stay for more than a minute before going off to speak to other guests, and Audrey trailed after him. Conversation with Mum was desultory, to say the least, and I could have cheered when I saw Leo’s car pull onto the drive – until he got out of the car, and revealed that he was wearing an identical shirt to Owen.
Leo and Clark came over and we all kissed or shook hands in a civilised way.
‘Do you remember Owen Ferguson?’ I said to Leo. ‘He once taught Jonas art.’
‘Yes, yes, of course,’ Leo said, in a way that meant he didn’t remember at all.
‘This is awkward, isn’t it?’ Owen smiled and gestured between himself and Leo.
‘Is it? Oh, because of Mary? Yes, I suppose it is. I know I’ve no right to object, but it will take some time to adjust to her being with someone else.’
‘I meant because of the matching shirts.’
‘Ah, yes!’ Leo laughed, and looked down at his chest. It didn’t surprise me that he hadn’t noticed: I would put ten pounds on the fact that Clark had picked his shirt for him tonight. ‘One more thing in common.’
We needed Audrey to shatter this awkward moment, but she was now on the far side of the garden, and my mum could only stand by looking po-faced: she had as little desire to hear about my sex life as I had about hers. Clark saved the day by dragging Leo away to get a drink, swiftly followed by Mum.
‘Is this a sign of progress, Mary, that you’ve introduced me to your mother?’ Owen asked, putting his arm around my waist.
‘Either that or I’m trying to scare you off.’
‘It would take more than that.’ He squeezed my waist, and I responded by resting my head briefly on his shoulder. He was a good man, and I was lucky that he had been so incredibly patient with my dithering. ‘Although the look that Ava’s giving me is fairly terrifying.’
Ava was in a huddle with Chloe, Daisy’s daughter, alternatively scowling in our direction and collapsing into giggles.
‘Ignore her,’ I said. ‘I don’t know how you put up with being surrounded by teenagers all day. How can you breathe when the air is so thick with hormones?’
‘Even hormonal teenagers need good teachers.’
Ah, the serious, worthy answer, as I would have expected; Owen was an admirably dedicated teacher, and never joked about his job. In fact, any joke from him was rare, and more precious because of it. He didn’t spend his life laughing, talking in riddles and messing about like some other people around here. Like Ethan, to pick a wholly random example, who was currently doing what looked like an impression of a baboon to the delight of a couple of small children.
‘Hello!’ Daisy tottered over the grass towards us, a glass of wine in her hand – not the first of the evening by the looks of it. ‘Is that champagne? Where did you find that? I could only find normal wine.’ She waved her glass to illustrate the point, and most of the contents sloshed out onto the grass. ‘Bugger.’
‘I’ll get you another,’ Owen offered. ‘Is it in the house?’
‘In the kitchen.’ Daisy waited until Owen was out of earshot. ‘Is that a new dress? It’s very daring for you. We don’t normally see so much of your cleavage. Is this for Owen’s benefit?’
‘No, for mine.’ Owen had already seen quite enough of my cleavage. ‘I thought I deserved something new.’
It had been a bargain in the sales in Clitheroe: a skater-style dress with a flared skirt in a mossy shade of green, quite unlike anything I’d worn for years. And that was the point: trying on the dress in the shop, I hadn’t seen a middle-aged divorced mother of teenagers in the mirror. I had simply seen me. How could I resist such a miracle dress?
A cannon of laughter shot across the garden from where Ethan was entertaining a group of guests.
‘Is he seeing anyone?’ Daisy asked, nodding her head towards Ethan.
‘Probably any three or four knowing him. Are you interested? In Ethan?’
‘Come on, it’s not so surprising, is it? Look at him!’
I did: my eyes swivelled his way quite against my wishes. Of course he was handsome, it was ridiculous to deny it: tall, athletic, dirty blond hair, and eyes the colour of the reservoir in full sun. No, I’d never been blind to it. But. There was an enormous but.
‘He’s Leo’s brother!’
‘Well, yes, I suppose it is weird for you, but if you weren’t related to him you’d have noticed that he’s gorgeous. We had a good chat a few weeks ago when I was babysitting. He’s funny. Interesting. What sort of women does he like?’
‘Anything with breasts, I imagine.’ Daisy’s face fell, and I immediately felt rotten. Why shouldn’t she like Ethan? It had nothing to do with me. ‘His first wife was stunning,’ I said. ‘She had perfect shiny black hair …’
‘Sounds closer to you than me,’ Daisy interrupted.
‘Hardly.’ I laughed. ‘She was born in China, but her family emigrated when she was a baby and she’d grown into a ballsy New Yorker.’ I shuddered: I’d met her a couple of times and found her terrifying. It was a mystery what Ethan had seen in her. ‘She was petite,’
I added, nodding towards Daisy’s small frame. ‘And his second wife was blonde.’
‘So it’s not hopeless?’
‘He’d be lucky to have you.’ Daisy brightened and I resisted the urge to give her a warning. Perhaps he could be loyal if he found the right woman – and why shouldn’t that woman be Daisy? I glanced over at Ethan, and he smiled back, a huge warm wide-lipped smile, travelling across the length of the garden and losing none of its dazzle. Daisy would be lucky to have him, I thought – and immediately turned away, horrified by a surge of something that had no business to be surging.
It was a lovely party, every bit as enjoyable as I’d hoped. There was a great turn out from the village, and everyone seemed happy and intoxicated by the plentiful alcohol and the foretaste of summer that this beautiful weather offered. Ethan must have extended an open invitation to the villagers, because I couldn’t for the life of me imagine why he would have invited the Misses Tippett, two elderly sisters from my meals on wheels run. And yet there he was, in deep discussion with them – well, they were talking; Ethan’s mouth wasn’t moving from its rather fixed grin. He saw me and waved. It was tempting to leave him drowning, but I took pity and wandered over.
‘Hello!’ I interrupted their twittering with my own Prosecco-fuelled chirpiness. ‘What do you think of the house? Do you remember it from when a real waterman lived here?’
‘It’s very fancy inside,’ Doreen said. ‘Very modern.’
‘We didn’t like the bedroom,’ Doris added. ‘Those glass panels above the bed. The noise would have me up all night when it rained, with my bladder the way it is.’
I hid my smile behind my glass, as Ethan’s eyes registered his horror that his bedroom had been invaded.
‘It wouldn’t suit me, living here,’ Doreen continued. ‘It’s an unlucky house; just you ask them that did all this fancy work. But I hear you’ve not had much luck with marriage anyway, so perhaps it won’t do you any harm.’ She nodded at Ethan. ‘Strange, though. You’re a handsome lad, the image of your father.’
‘And Mary’s the image of her father,’ Doris said. ‘Better behaved, mercifully, or else …’
She was silenced by a sharp nudge from her sister.
‘No chicken this week.’ Doreen wagged a knobbly finger at me. ‘We’ve had it for the last three weeks. Any more and we’ll be laying eggs!’
They scuttled off, heads bent low together.
‘Who the hell are they?’ Ethan asked. It was impossible not to laugh at his bewilderment.
‘Don’t you remember the Misses Tippett? They’ve lived in Stoneybrook forever.’ My smile faded a notch. I’d lived here forever too – was I going to turn into the Miss Tippett of my generation, without even a sister to keep me company?
‘But I didn’t invite them! They’re gatecrashers!’
I giggled.
‘Should we call the police?’
‘Can you rugby tackle them while I ring?’
‘Why can’t you? You’re the sporty one.’
‘I’m the heavier one. I might kill them.’
‘But it would look much less suspicious if you’re seen jumping on ladies. You’re known to make a habit of it.’
‘Not women that old!’
‘So you say, but they were curiously familiar with the inside of your bedroom.’
‘Oh God! How can I ever lie in bed again without thinking of leaky bladders?’
And that was it. It wasn’t even that funny, but Ethan started laughing, and I was caught up with it, and couldn’t stop, until my eyes were streaming and I had to bend over to ease the stitch in my side. I hadn’t laughed like that for years – had forgotten how good it felt to let go, be silly for a while, allow all the stress and the sensibleness to be replaced by a fizz of euphoria that left me so light I could have floated away.
‘I’ve missed this.’ Ethan rubbed my shoulder. His fingers caught the back of my neck and his touch seemed to sear every inch of my skin. I straightened up, panic and shock weighing me firmly back down. Ethan was still smiling broadly, thankfully oblivious to my reaction. Over his shoulder I saw Owen watching.
‘I need to go.’
‘You don’t need to do anything.’
But I did, I really did. I needed to do anything that would cut through this odd, intimate web that had wrapped around us with such silky soft strands that I hadn’t noticed it forming; anything that would stop me dwelling on how much I had missed this too. I practically ran towards Owen, grabbed hold of his arm and anchored myself to his safe, reliable presence until the unwelcome stirrings subsided.
As the sun began to meander behind the trees, streaking the sky with swathes of orange and gold that turned the reservoir into molten embers, Ethan lit lanterns and candles around the lawns for those who remained outside. Some of the guests had moved inside, to be nearer to the food and drink; some had wandered – or staggered – home, including Mum, who had admitted with much self-consciousness that she was expecting a visitor.
Sanity restored, I joined the Blacks, delighting in the company of my favourite people; even the presence of Leo and Clark had become easier, with time. But Audrey was still below par, and I couldn’t leave it be.
‘In three weeks, we’ll be packing for St Ives,’ I said, trying to cheer her. ‘I’m looking forward to it, aren’t you?’
The arrangements had been finalised for the holiday. I would go down for the first three weeks with both mothers and the children; Leo and Clark would spend the last two weeks with Audrey, Jonas, and Ava.
‘Yes, my darling, I think it will do us all good to get away.’ As I’d hoped, Audrey smiled with most of her usual brightness.
‘Let me know if you’d like me to take you shopping before we go.’ I turned to Jonas and Ava, who were sitting on the grass, sharing a pair of ear pods, adding, ‘And you two need to sort out anything you want washing.’
Ava shrugged one shoulder. Jonas pulled out his ear pod.
‘Don’t worry about me,’ he said. ‘I’m not coming.’
‘What do you mean? Not coming where?’
‘St Ives.’ Jonas spoke slowly, as if to an idiot. And perhaps that was right, perhaps I was being an idiot, because for a mad moment I thought he’d said he wasn’t joining us on holiday, the holiday we had all enjoyed together for the past ten years. ‘I’m moving in with Dad over the summer.’
‘Dad? Moving in?’
Ava pulled out her ear pod and jumped up.
‘You’re leaving me with her? All summer? You selfish … ape’s arse!’ she yelled, and stomped off across the lawn.
Jonas looked baffled by all the fuss. Leo gave me an apologetic smile, because he’d known – of course he’d known. They must have plotted and planned this during all those weekends without me. How could they?
‘But Dad and Clark are spending two weeks in Cornwall. Will you come home then?’ My heart lifted a little. I’d misunderstood. Jonas didn’t want to come to Cornwall, that was all. I would only be without him for three weeks – a horrendous prospect, but not as bad as the eight weeks I had originally feared.
‘No, I’ll stay in the flat. I’ve got a summer job in a café. It’s cool, Mum. I’ll move back when school starts.’
Cool? I wasn’t the slightest bit cool; in fact, I was boiling with so much fury and despair that I thought I might erupt at any moment. I couldn’t find my brave face this time, couldn’t smile and be calm and capable and pretend that this was okay. It wasn’t okay. I didn’t want Jonas to go. I wasn’t sure I could bear for him to go. I had already lost Leo. How much more did I have to lose?
But as I trembled, terrified that I couldn’t keep myself together for a second longer, a hand brushed mine: a strong, warm hand, offering comfort, and I grabbed it and squeezed it tight. It squeezed back, and even in the depth of my anguish, I felt a rush of hope. Owen was here. This was what mattered in a man: not the heady excitement of a searing touch and tingling skin, but a firm, reliable hold when I needed it. I looked u
p at the owner of the hand, ready to smile my thanks, and encountered Ethan’s sympathetic gaze.
I was sitting on the grass embankment overlooking the reservoir, watching the moonlight skate on the surface of the water, when someone flopped down next to me. Faint notes of jasmine mingled with the night air.
‘Penny for them,’ Ethan said.
‘I’d be ripping you off if I gave them for free.’
‘A trouble shared?’
‘Is a surefire way to lose friends. Have you finished with the idioms?’
‘Don’t buy a pig in a poke?’
‘What? That doesn’t even make sense.’ But I couldn’t help laughing at his absurdity. Ethan leant towards me and bumped his shoulder against mine.
‘Do you want me to have a word with Joe?’
My laughter died.
‘No. There’s no point. I won’t stop him doing what he wants.’ My breath stuttered as I tried to hold back a sob. ‘I know he’s seventeen, and in a year he’ll be going off to university. But I thought I had that year. Losing alternate weekends was hard enough. But the whole summer? And where will it end? Will he stay with Leo for every school holiday now?’
‘He’ll be too busy revising for his exams. This is just a summer thing.’
‘But summer’s the worst – it’s two months! And what’s next? Ava would leave tomorrow if she could. Am I going to be left with only Dotty and a garden full of poo?’ Ethan laughed, sending vibrations up and down my arm. ‘How could Leo do this? Haven’t I been reasonable with him, more reasonable than he could have expected?’
‘Yes. But if Joe asked to stay with him, he probably didn’t think he could say no. You’d have done the same.’
‘I might have known you’d be on his side.’ I shuffled a few centimetres along the grass, breaking contact with Ethan.
‘His side? God, Mary, you’ve no idea …’ He stopped, put his arm around me, and pulled me back. ‘I’m on Joe’s side, that’s all.’
