And he’d thought, fuck you all, I’m going to do something with my life. Something important. The idea of being a SEAL or Delta Force had taken root during a history class where he’d had to study modern warfare. It had been a toss-up between the Army and the Navy, but being on a ship would have reminded him too much of trips on the family yacht. Not that a Navy destroyer and his family yacht had anything in common, but being at sea and not being on vacation would have been too bitter a pill to swallow. So he’d chosen the Army.
“I imagine the Army was a shock for you,” Bliss said. “After Harvard.”
They’d talked about this part before, but only superficially. He’d told her his family lost their money when his dad was arrested and he’d had to leave Harvard. He’d never gone into how he felt about it. Not really.
“Yeah, it pretty much was. They shaved my head. Called me names. Didn’t give me any respect whatsoever. And mealtimes?” He snorted a laugh. “Knowing which fork to use was not a required skill, believe me. You ate as fast as you fucking could and as much as you could before they had you out there working your ass off again. And that was just boot camp.”
She folded her legs under her and sipped her coffee. “How did you survive it?”
“I had nowhere else to go, Bliss. No money, no degree. I convinced myself I had no prospects, but that wasn’t true. I just didn’t realize how valuable my computer skills could be. I mean, every-fucking-body in the program at Harvard was going to be on the job market soon, and they’d have that degree. I was too young and dumb to realize that a Harvard degree wasn’t necessary for getting a job. It was just necessary for getting a better paying one.”
She smiled. “Oh, I don’t know. I’ve done all right, and I don’t have a degree at all.”
“Because you were smart enough to know you had to fight for it,” he said. “I didn’t know that. I was raised on the idea that you had to have a college degree or you were worthless. But you—you just showed up and went after what you wanted.”
He realized, in saying it, that he actually admired her. Bliss was a fighter and a survivor. So was he, but it had taken him a long time to realize it. She’d known it her whole life.
“Wow, Sky. Careful or I might think you like me.”
He grinned. “It’s shocking, I know. But I think maybe I do. Maybe I was wrong to blame you for everything that happened.”
Chapter Thirteen
Her breath shortened as her heart sped up. Careful. Danger, danger, danger.
“You’ve spent four years blaming me,” she said. “Maybe don’t rush into forgiving me just yet.”
He stared at her, eyes widening. And then he laughed, long and loud, and she ended up laughing too. Mostly because he was laughing and she loved the sound of it. But she was serious too. She didn’t want him thinking he forgave her and then tomorrow he was pissed again.
“I thought you’d be pleased,” he told her. “What the hell is this shit?” He didn’t sound angry though. He sounded amused and confused. Adorable in a way.
Don’t think of him as adorable. Think of him as dangerous.
Because her heart couldn’t take it if he was adorable.
Bliss sighed. “I’m being cautious. In case you change your mind tomorrow. Maybe you’re in a forgiving mood tonight because you’re horny. Maybe tomorrow, during the light of day, you’ll be angry again.”
His eyes widened. “Damn, Bliss. That burns.”
She reached out and slapped him on the shoulder. Lightly. Playfully. Her heart tumbled over itself. “I’m a realist. You almost threw me out into the night when I showed up on your doorstep and begged for help. I can’t let myself forget that.”
His smile faded. “I was pissed.”
“You know I wasn’t lying now, right? You don’t harbor some idea deep down that I’ve made it all up?”
“I’m sorry I implied that. No, I don’t think you’re lying. Bill Martin, the CIA, the missing laptop, and the complexity of what we’ve discovered—no, you aren’t making it up. It’s all real.”
Bliss was surprised at the weight that lifted off her chest when he said that. She’d felt like she was breathing through iron bands, but now she thought she could breathe normally. Even if she kept expecting a retraction from him.
“I went by the apartment we used to live in a few months ago. I sat in the parking lot and watched the door, trying to work up the courage to knock on it. Wondering if you still lived there. I knew you were in DC, so I thought maybe…”
He didn’t say anything. She tumbled on, part of her screaming that she needed to stop. Stop embarrassing herself.
“I know it’s pitiful. And invasive. But I wanted to see you. There was a woman there—a gorgeous blonde—and I thought, what if…” She swallowed. “Okay, this is stupid. I shouldn’t be saying any of this. It makes me sound like a fool.”
He raked a hand through his hair. His muscles flexed and she let her gaze drop to those smooth curves. Her belly tightened. “Okay, so I don’t live there anymore, obviously, and she wasn’t with me—but I don’t take women to my home, Bliss. I never do.”
“You took me.”
“You’re the only one. Ever.”
Her throat tightened. “Why?”
“Because it seemed right. Because I wanted to.”
She set the coffee down on the end table. She didn’t know how to handle that revelation. How to handle any of this. So many fundamental changes in their lives. So much that would never be the same again. “Maybe I should go now.”
His gaze flashed hot. “And if I want you to stay?”
She gulped. “I don’t know if it’s a good idea. I mean I want to—so badly that you have no idea. But that’s what went wrong the last time, isn’t it? We fell into bed too quickly. We didn’t take the time to know each other first—and then we found it impossible to say the things that needed saying. Look how it turned out.”
His expression was dark. Then he blew out a breath. “You’re right. I know you’re right, but it’s not what I want.”
She smiled sadly as she stood. “I know. You want to fall into bed again so you can get this out of your system.”
He caught her hand, held her steady, their fingers twining, but he didn’t pull her closer. His eyes raked over her. Lingered on her chest. She wasn’t wearing a bra, and her nipples were tight beads. Idiot.
“Don’t go, Bliss. Stay. But not for sex. Let’s fall asleep together like we used to. Side by side, wrapped up in each other.”
“I don’t know…”
He gave her fingers a gentle tug. “Do you really think you’re going to fall asleep any other way?”
She gazed down at him sitting there, the lump in her throat aching and hard. Tears sprang to her eyes, blurring her vision. Damn him. She shook her head, praying that a tear didn’t break free and spill down her cheek. “No,” she whispered. “I can’t.”
But did she mean she couldn’t sleep or couldn’t stay? She wasn’t sure. Being with him hurt. Not being with him hurt even more.
Sky stood and swept her into his arms. Her knees buckled as she clung to him, as he held her close. And then he carried her through the galley kitchen and into his bedroom. But he didn’t drop her on the bed. He stood with her in his arms, staring into her eyes.
“I swear to you,” he said fiercely. “I won’t touch you without your permission. We’re going to sleep, Bliss. For six hours, because that’s about what we have left.”
“I don’t know,” she whispered. “Twelve hours ago you hated me.”
He dropped his forehead to hers. “I didn’t hate you. I thought I did—tried to tell myself I did—but it’s never been about hate.”
“Then what’s it been about?” she asked. “Because I’m not sure I understand.”
“Love,” he said. “It’s always been about love.”
She stiffened in his arms, and he knew he’d gone too far. But he wasn’t thinking straight, hadn’t been since he’d kissed her. All he kne
w was that she affected him. Scrambled his wits. Always had.
“You don’t love me, Sky. Don’t even go there.”
“That’s not what I meant.” She didn’t relax, but he didn’t put her down either. He hastened to explain. “What I meant was that you made me vulnerable. I thought I loved you—hell, I did love you—but what happened between us… Well, it tore me up. And that wasn’t about hate—it was about love. I was angry because I loved you and I felt betrayed. Does that make sense?”
She frowned hard. And then he felt her relax by degrees, her body going soft in his arms. “Yes, I think so. But you know what? I felt betrayed too. Because we weren’t able to weather the first big storm that came our way. The first sign of trouble and we collapsed like a house of cards. I thought we were stronger than that—I believed we were, but then I found out we weren’t.”
He started to protest but she put two fingers on his lips. “Don’t bother trying to tell me why that was. I know why. Our foundation was built on clay. It crumbled beneath the onslaught. I was naive enough to think that your love for me would weather all storms. I thought you loved me, Sky. I didn’t realize you loved who you thought I was until it was too late. And yes, I accept full responsibility for that. I was the one who began our relationship based on deception.”
Part of him was gratified to hear her say it. But he’d done enough covert work now to understand that the job came first when national security was at stake. And that’s what it’d been. Could she have told him sooner? Yes. Would it have changed the outcome? No.
Saying it right now wasn’t going to prove a thing though. If anything, she’d think he was saying it to get into her panties. And though he wanted to get in them pretty badly—and her clingy T-shirt too since her nipples were jutting like little points through the fabric—he knew he had to tread carefully here.
What the fuck are you up to, dude?
Honestly, he didn’t know. He only knew that he couldn’t sleep if she wasn’t in bed with him. But he also had to give her that choice. The choice to walk away.
“Do you want to sleep with me or do you want to go back to your room? Up to you. And by sleep, I mean sleep. In case you’re wondering.”
She licked her lips and turned her head to look at the bed. The covers were rumpled, the sheets pushed back. He’d piled the pillows onto one side, keeping a single one for himself. He felt her breathing softly. Felt the wild beat of her heart in the pulse throbbing against his chest.
“I want to stay with you. I don’t want to be alone.”
He smiled. “We did this last night, you know. Wasn’t so difficult, right?”
She returned the smile. “It was a roach motel, Sky. And we didn’t undress.”
He pretended to be insulted. “Fleabag motel, Bliss. And we aren’t undressing now either. Too tempting.”
“You aren’t wearing a shirt. You wore one last night.”
“Do you want me to put one on?”
She dropped her gaze for a moment, then met his eyes again. The corners of her mouth crinkled. “No, I think it’s safe enough.”
He put a knee on the bed and laid her down on it. Then he climbed in beside her. They turned toward each other. She didn’t touch him though. And he hesitated to touch her. They simply stared. He wondered how the hell this had happened. How he was lying in a bed with Bliss Bennett, the ex-wife he loved to despise, wanting to touch her so badly that his balls ached and his brain hurt with the effort to keep his hands to himself.
“Think you can sleep this way?” he asked.
Her eyelids were already drooping. “Maybe. I don’t know.”
“You mind if we get closer?”
Her lashes drifted upward. She smiled. “No… But it’s not an invitation to sex, okay?”
“Nope. Too tired anyway.” And he was. The mere act of climbing into bed with her was doing him in. His eyes were shutting, his breathing slowing. It’d been a long day, full of work and emotional revelations he hadn’t seen coming. Hadn’t expected.
But he was happy for them anyway. He felt more settled than he had in a long, long time. He put an arm around her, tugged her in closer. She burrowed—and then she flipped over with the ease of someone who was used to doing so—and he followed her, spooning her from behind, an arm slung over her waist, his nose against her neck, breathing in her cotton candy scent.
“Night, Sky,” she murmured.
“Night, Bliss. Sleep tight.”
They fell asleep like that, as if they’d been doing so every night for years.
Bliss was hot. She pushed the covers back, but it didn’t help. There was something behind her, something solid that generated heat against her back. It took her a few moments before she came awake with a start, realizing precisely what it was that had made her so warm.
Sky. He had one solid arm slung over the curve of her waist, his big hand resting on the bed beside her. She didn’t think he was awake though. He hadn’t responded to her throwing off the covers. She shifted—and encountered a part of him that was not only hot but also very solid.
His hand moved to the curve of her hip as his lips sought the hollow of her neck. Bliss stifled a moan as he flexed his hips, pushing his erection into the softness of her butt cheeks. Was he awake? Or reacting in his sleep?
She held herself still, her heart slamming her ribs. Which did she want it to be? Awake and aware, or asleep and not really cognizant of his surroundings?
His mouth glided along the column of her neck, up to her ear, his teeth nibbling her lobe, making her fist the sheets beneath her hand.
She should wake him. Tell him what was happening. Stop him.
He turned her onto her back, rolled her beneath him as he rose over her. Bliss clutched his shoulders, gasping as his hands mounded her breasts. Squeezed them. Then he shoved her shirt upward, baring her breasts, his mouth closing around a taut nipple.
Bliss moaned as she tightened her grip on his shoulders. He had to know what he was doing…
“Sky,” she gasped as he sucked hard on her nipple, his tongue darting around the tight peak, sending bolts of electricity through her body.
He stilled. His entire body stiffened and then he lifted his head. She opened her eyes, meeting his gaze. They stared at each other for a long moment. His cock pressed into her hip, hard and insistent, and she wanted to reach for it. Run her palm along that stiff length, watch his eyes close as he groaned. Then she wanted to shove his shorts down his body and lick him like an ice cream cone. Suck his hard cock until he spilled on her tongue.
“Bliss?”
“Yeah, honey. It’s me. Did you forget?” she asked gently.
He seemed to shake himself. Then he pushed slightly away, putting space between them. Space that disappointed her.
“I, uh, yeah. I think I was asleep.”
“It’s okay. I understand.”
The silence was awkward. “Shit,” he mumbled. “Be right back.” He climbed from the bed and disappeared into the bathroom. She lay there for a long moment, her brain racing over everything that had just happened. Shame flooded her suddenly and she leaped up, ran toward her own room and the bed she’d left behind. All that crazy talk about forgiveness and sleeping together. Why had she listened to him? Why?
He’d sounded so, well, disgusted when he’d climbed from the bed just now. Like he’d hated that he’d had his mouth on her nipple while for her it had been exquisite. Bliss ran into the bathroom, turned on the water and scrubbed her face—washing away the guilt and anger. Then she swigged mouthwash and spit it out, killing the coffee taste before gripping the sink and glaring at herself.
What the fuck had she been thinking to agree to stay with him? Sky would always revert to that state where he despised her for lying. There was no way he couldn’t. Not after what his father had done to all those innocent people.
“Stupid,” she muttered, grabbing the towel and wiping her face. “So stupid.”
She stood there for a long while, then turned
and walked out of the bathroom. She squeaked as a large shape loomed out of the darkness. Sky.
“You okay?” he asked.
“I, uh, of course.” She folded her arms over her breasts, not wanting him to see the taut peaks of her nipples.
He moved toward her and she backed away quickly. He stopped. “What’s the matter?”
“Um, nothing.” She couldn’t look at him.
“You’re lying, Bliss.”
Oh God. She hated that he knew her so well. How did he do that? She lifted her chin. What the hell did she have to hide, anyway? “You didn’t like that we crossed a line. I understand.”
He tilted his head to the side. “What?”
Heat suffused her. “You weren’t awake, Sky. You touched me and you weren’t awake. And when you were, you couldn’t escape fast enough.”
He didn’t say anything. He frowned hard, brows drifting down to a point. “I had to piss. And swig some mouthwash so I could kiss you.”
Her face was hot. “You don’t have to pretend. It’s okay.”
His frown didn’t abate. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
“When you realized it was me in your bed, you jumped right out.” It felt stupid as soon as she said it.
Sky gaped at her. “Seriously? You think I was running away?” He closed the distance between them and grasped her shoulders. “Bliss, baby—I had to take care of business. And yeah, I was a bit shocked at what I’d been doing—more so at the fact you’d let me. But I promise you this—I want to keep going. I want to suck those tits of yours until you scream, and then I want to lick your pussy until you beg me to stop.”
“Sky—”
“No, don’t try to make this into something it’s not. Don’t try to tell me what I want or what I don’t. I want you, Bliss. I want to lick you and fuck you and make you scream my name. I told you that earlier. It hasn’t changed.”
Her body trembled. Her pussy ached. She wanted to strip off her clothes and let him do whatever he wanted, but she also worried that it would change things too much. They’d talked about real stuff for the first time ever, and she worried that letting their sexual chemistry take over would cause too many problems. Like it had before. Their entire relationship had been built on chemistry, but it hadn’t worked out. Chemistry wasn’t enough. She knew that now. And she wanted more this time.
HOT SECRETS: A Hostile Operations Team - Book 13 Page 12
