by Tiger Gray
Can't even do well at a school for normal kids.
She huddled into her thick coat, determined not to tell Miss Reed anything. She'd become accustomed to secrets, having to hide her Changeling status from most everyone. Part of it, though, came from good old fashioned resentment. Her mother forcing her to come here! Liu thought Mother probably wanted her in an institution.
Huh. She would if it wouldn't make her look bad. Can't fail at being a parent, can we? What would that say about you, Mother?
She directed her thoughts as though her mother could hear them, and she wished she'd been born a shadowmancer instead of a mage so she could make it happen. Even if shadowmancers couldn't mind speak, per se, the acid would come through. The thought made her happy and she showed her teeth.
"You're failing theater." Miss Reed's voice drew her out of her fantasy, and she looked up. Miss Reed didn't look very different from her, though her blond hair had the color of straw instead of her own ash. Miss Reed's eyes reminded Liu of her favorite jeans, faded now from a lot of trips through the washing machine.
The office usually, at least, offered her a brief respite from the stimuli outside; Seattle Academy had a lively student body. This time, though, it felt like the couch wanted to eat her alive. Every time she touched its beige pseudo-suede an unpleasant pins-and-needles sensation spread through her arm. The flicker of the fluorescent lights made her eyes prickle, and shame welled up in her belly at the words. Failing.
"I hate theater." Especially after the scene earlier.
Trapped backstage at rehearsal. Stupid. Better than being on stage, but it could be just as bad when a performance started. Dark, cluttered, touched and jostled by other students as they ran for their cues or costume changes. She fought hard to keep her fear chained. It wasn't normal to be afraid. She had the dim sense that all of this would have been normal to anyone else.
"Liucy?"
Coren. He touched her on the shoulder and she jumped as though stung. Nervous. What she guessed might be attraction. It grated on her nerves, an unfamiliar thing that made her feel sick.
"Coren!"
She intended to say more, to explain to him how she couldn't handle it after all, maybe even to ask him to help her find her way out. The wail of the microphone on stage scrambled her brain and she forgot it all.
"Liucy?" He tried again, and she turned all at once and shoved him.
"Go away!"
Liu pressed her palm hard to her forehead as if she could hold the guilt inside, keep it secret and powerless. Alienating your only friend. Nice job.
"Liucy."
The voice made her drag her hand away. She saw Miss Reed through blurry eyes. It took her a moment to realize that Miss Reed had something in her hand. Something she wanted her to take.
Liucy reached out, and only then did she perceive it as a toy car. It wasn't like the die-cast metal-and-plastic models her dad liked to collect, but a thing whittled from a solid block of wood. The wheels moved, though, and she spun them with the pad of her thumb. Calm seeped into her, and the feeling of being trapped in an electrical storm pushed away a little.
"Better?"
How had Sarah known?
Sarah? When did she become Sarah?
She felt a jolt of respect even though she didn't want to give Sarah anything to work with. Why she should make this therapy nonsense easy for Mother? Or for this woman, for that matter? She was a stranger, really.
Still. She spun the wheels again.
Maybe you really deserve the big bucks. Not even Dad can figure that stuff out.
"Tell me about your week, Liucy."
Simple enough question. Liu decided she could safely answer. "My sister is sick again," she blurted, "Mother blames me."
"Oh? Why would she do that, Liucy?"
"Because I'm the mongrel," Liu said, clutching the car, "I didn't turn out right because I can't make it at fancy boarding school like she did, like my brothers are doing." She felt a flash of resentment for Iarethion and Vharelan. Why did they have to be so perfect? She tried to pick apart Sarah's voice for even the smallest hint of derision, but she had to admit she couldn't find any. She wanted Sarah to like her.
"I can't do anything right," she offered, angry at herself for letting her voice shake, "she's always yelling."
Sarah didn't speak at first. Just when Liu thought she'd managed to alienate her, too, she said, "You're a very special young lady, Liucy. That's hard for people who aren't gifted to deal with."
"Miss Reed," Liu protested. Why did Sarah have to lie to her? Couldn't she see the truth? That she was a hateful child incapable of being grateful?
"Sarah, Liucy. You can call me Sarah. I know you don't believe me, but it's true."
"How do you know it's true?"
In spite of her self-loathing Liu was intrigued; could this woman really see something redeemable inside her?
Liu studied Sarah's face. Sarah's sharp features, similar to her own, had arranged themselves in what she thought was a friendly expression. Her eyes had a... gleam to them, but Liu reminded herself that Miss Reed was a counselor and that she was supposed to trust counselors, even if she didn't like them. The echo of her mother's voice shrieked about secrecy, but it only made her contrary.
"Okay," Liu allowed, clutching the toy car.
"Do you feel different from the kids around you?"
"Yes! But that's bad! No one understands." Liu paused. "Well. I guess there's Coren. He says he's my friend."
After this morning I don't know if that's still true.
"Coren?" Sarah furrowed her brows and Liu guessed that she was trying to put the name to a face. "Coren Pinecroft?"
Liu nodded and Sarah's eyes gleamed once more. Was she pleased? Why?
"He says you're friends? You don't believe him?"
"No," Liu protested, confused, "I believe him. I think. I just don't understand why."
"Maybe he sees the real you."
Sarah smiled an encouraging smile.
Liu clamped down on an answering pulse of magery, magery that had no outlet thanks to the locks the Collegium had placed on her. Her back teeth scraped together and her breath caught, but her fear of being discovered gave her the desperate ability to keep still.
"I doubt it. I can't tell him everything."
"Oh? Why not?"
"It's one of the Rules."
"One of your mother's rules?"
Liu nodded. Sarah leaned towards her. Liu thought maybe her gaze had a reassuring quality, though she had trouble deciding if it she really meant it that way or not. Something burned there, too, but Liu could only discern it, not understand it.
"Liucy, if someone is hurting you, I have to report it."
"No no no!" Liu protested. "It's not like that! No one hits me."
"Not all abuse is physical, Liucy."
Liu absorbed that. She had to admit she'd never considered that possibility. She thought all abuse was overt, physical, obvious. "I mean... Dad is never home. I thought it would be different now that he's done with the Army, but maybe he doesn't know what to say to me. Not very many people do. He spends a lot of his time with Coren's dad, too, and Coren's dad scares me."
Liu admitted the last in a barely-there whisper. She couldn't quite pin down the source of her discomfort about Coren's father. All she knew was that every time his impassive, jade-green gaze passed over she felt like the most invisible, inadequate thing ever to crawl on dry land.
"Coren's dad?"
She nodded. "Coren and I live next door to each other."
"Hm. Do you think your mother is an unfit mother, or just neglectful?"
Liu's eyes stung with unexpected tears. The question had caught her off balance. "She probably doesn't mean it."
"Sometimes, Liucy, we have to tell ourselves things like that to make sense of how we're being treated."
"I --- "
"It's all right," Sarah told her, her soft voice so soothing it was impossible for Liu to be completely im
mune to its effects. An image of the poppies in the Wizard of Oz played in Liu's brain in perfect detail. "She just doesn't see you for what you are."
"What am I?"
Sarah leaned forward, closed the space between them, and cupped Liu's chin in one slender hand. This touch, unlike Coren's, calmed the magic inside of her. Sarah's next words were spoken into a rare moment of complete inner quiet.
"Chosen."
* * *
Liu left the office and turned the corner, ready to go home. Coren stood there, waiting for her. Now if anyone's body parts didn't quite fit, it had to be Coren's. Tall and skinny, but with big hands and feet. The field jacket he wore strained across his shoulders and came down too long over his fingers.
Like a dog that hasn't grown into his paws.
Before she could think of an apology that didn't sound like a stupid excuse, Coren smiled, pulled a bottle of soda from his pocket, and offered it to her.
"You want a Coke, Liucy?"
She took it, trying to convey her gratitude with her expression. She took a long swallow. The bubbles tickled and she smiled too, even though most of her did not feel like smiling.
"Thanks."
"How did it go?"
Liu winced. Coren knew she'd been having trouble with the more conceptual subjects Seattle Academy expected its students to master. She shrugged, followed him out into the courtyard. School had let out fifteen minutes ago and they could be alone there.
"Coren? Are we friends again?"
"Yeah, sure," Coren said, shrugging. He glanced at her sideways, eyes glittering, and she missed a step as her heart fluttered.
She opened the soda to cover the rush of relief.
"Oh. I like Miss Reed." She answered belatedly. "I think maybe she understands me."
"Aww! Then you won't need me anymore!"
"I'll always need you, Coren," she said, blushing, "You brat."
Coren spun to face her, bringing them both to a stop in the middle of the courtyard, manicured shrubbery and stone benches hemming them in. He grinned, showing a bright line of perfect teeth. "That had better be true, Liuliu!"
"It won't be if you keep calling me that!" she shot back, grinning in spite of herself. She threatened him with an upraised fist. Coren sprinted away from her, laughing. She chased after him, shouting false warnings.
Their game ended at the main gate as they spilled onto the sidewalk. Coren skidded to a halt and Liu thudded into his back. She reached out for his elbow to steady herself, and for a moment the world scrambled into meaningless confusion.
"Mom?"
Liu felt Coren's body stiffen, his arm rigid in her grip. Tension. She peered around her friend's taller, broader form and saw Coren's mother. Her previous good mood died like a rabbit in a trap. A stream of adjectives that would have gotten her slapped at home ran through her mind in an ugly torrent.
"Mom, what's wrong?"
Coren asked, and only then did Liu notice that Mrs. Pinecroft's eyes, violet like her son's, were swollen from crying. Liu swallowed hard. She could hear the change in Coren's tone, and it scared her how quickly he had gone from carefree and confidant to diffident and sad.
"I need you to come with me, Coren," Mrs. Pinecroft told him, wringing her hands. Hanks of her hair had escaped the loose bun twisted at the nape of her neck. It gave her a vulnerable, harried look, but even so Liu did her best to disappear behind Coren. Mrs. Pinecroft bothered her the way visiting the reptile house at the zoo bothered her. She knew there was a pane of glass between her and the poisonous snakes, but her gut never believed it.
"Mom," Coren insisted, alarm in his voice. "what's going on?"
"Your father has been in a car accident."
For just a moment Mrs. Pinecroft's gaze settled on her. Liu's own magery abilities rose up in response, fighting the locks. The combination of the magic that bound reality and the wild magic within her due to her Fae blood jangled her nerves like a fire alarm going off, for the second time that day.
She gritted her teeth and forced herself to stare back. Still, her attempts to control her powers and Coren's shock worked in Mrs. Pinecroft's favor, because the woman grabbed Coren's other arm and dragged him free of Liu's grasp. Liu got the message. Kiriana Pinecroft did not appreciate interference with what she considered hers.
"An accident?" Coren found his voice, though it was tremulous. "Dad? Will he be okay?"
"Come on," Mrs. Pinecroft said instead of answering, "Say goodbye to your friend."
Liu backed away a few paces to indicate that Coren didn't need to bother with her feelings at a time like this. She watched as he turned to go with his mother. She couldn't shake the sense that Mrs. Pinecroft was more annoyed by the news than worried. Was she like that? Were she and Mrs. Pinecroft the same, only aping emotions that they didn't really feel?
You're a very special young lady, Liucy.
No. For all her faults, she could feel. As if to underscore the point the fearful expression on Coren's face as his mother dragged him towards the street made her feel an uncomfortable pang of sympathy. He looked so lost, hair sticking up, eyes wide.
Her magic subsided as they left, leaving her drained. She lingered in the empty courtyard, the image of Mrs. Pinecroft's painted nails digging into Coren's jacket lurid in her mind's eye.
CHAPTER NINE
"Coren, I'm fine. Really."
Ashrinn untangled himself as best he could, trying to worm out of the fierce hug without hurting Coren's feelings. He patted his son on the back, touched by the concern but alarmed by the sight of Randolph walking up the drive. Kiriana stood nearby, and Ashrinn didn't want to have to keep up an acceptable face in front of the Order's leader.
"Jesus, Dad," Coren said, letting him go and turning to face the battered car, "What happened?"
Ashrinn saw Coren furrow his brows at Randolph, attired as usual in one of his dark suits. Kiriana's hackles rose, though he knew that as she turned towards Randolph her expression would transform itself into something sweet. Ashrinn knew her too well. He moved towards the car, answering Coren's question absently as he did so.
"Got run off the road."
"Really? Did you get in a fight? Did you get to shoot your gun?"
He turned to look at Coren, boggling as though his son had traded skins with a stranger. "Coren --- "
"Is someone out to get you?" Coren's face lit up. "Did you kill anybody?"
Ashrinn moved before he thought about it, grabbing Coren by the wrist and slamming him into the car door harder than he meant to. "Don't talk about it like it's some kind of game," he grated, "Don't talk about it like it's fun, Coren." He snarled, only partly aware of Kiriana and Randolph standing side by side in sudden uncomfortable silence. "Do you understand me?"
Coren's fearful expression ripped at Ashrinn's heart. The anger went out of him all at once. Making his own son afraid of him, and just because the boy didn't know any better.
Before he could step away of his own accord, Kiriana pried his hand off of Coren's arm. Coren turned to her and the gratitude in his face only hurt Ashrinn worse. He stumbled back from his son.
"Now then, Coren," Kiriana said into the silence, her voice smooth, "Go inside and fix some lemonade for our visitor."
"But Mom, we never --- "
"Just do what I say."
Ashrinn looked up. Randolph stood with his hands clasped behind his back, his features schooled into a precise mask of neutrality. Ashrinn tried not to jerk away as Kiriana leaned in to whisper to him.
"That's all right, darling. You can't help it."
The truth hurt. Wasn't that why he craved what she did to him? Because he deserved it? Because he couldn't exorcise his demons by himself? His hands balled into fists and he ground his teeth. He felt more trapped by her than ever.
"Well," Kiriana said, turning towards Randolph, "I hope you'll forgive us a tiny domestic scene, Lord del Sar. No family is perfect."
Ashrinn watched with dumb awe as Kiriana poured on the c
harm. She didn't know Randolph personally but certainly knew enough to flatter him with the use of his title. Randolph brightened. Ashrinn guessed that he was grateful for Kiriana's acknowledgment of the issue. Ashrinn had to admit it was rather masterful, addressing that something uncomfortable had happened, yet downplaying it just enough that it seemed like a joke to be shared.
"Magus Pinecroft," Randolph said, unclasping his hands, "my apologies for arriving unannounced."
"Nonsense. We love visitors. Don't we?"
Ashrinn nodded automatically, wondering if only he could detect the strain in her voice.
"Please," Kiriana said, flashing the sunny smile that always got her what she wanted, "come inside. I am sure you have business with my husband that I wouldn't want to interfere with."
"Oh, but a mind such as yours could be useful. One of the finest pyromancers in your graduating class, or so I've heard." Randolph said. "Though I am quite aware of the mage academy's reluctance to get involved in politics."
"Well, that may be so," Kiriana said as she opened the front door, "on both counts. Still, I'm afraid I have no head for these things."
Ashrinn followed in their wake. He loathed Kiriana's public persona. Better than the alien, hollow thing she became when night fell, but watching her pretend to be a rabbit when in reality she was a wolf grated at his already raw nerves. He clung to the awful hope that some of that cheerful, carefree self was real.
"Mom," Coren appeared in the kitchen doorway, hair askew, eyes flashing, "we don't have any lemonade! When do we ever have lemonade?"
"So make tea," Kiriana told him, indicating a seat in the adjacent living room for Randolph's benefit. "I know you can manage that."
Ashrinn and Coren exchanged a look as they faced each other in the kitchen doorway. Kiriana followed Randolph into the living room, chattering at him.
"Here," Ashrinn said, quiet, "let me help you."
Coren exhaled a heavy breath but said nothing. Ashrinn took the tacit agreement as the best he was going to get and orchestrated water, loose-leaf tea and cups in an automatic choreography he'd performed since childhood.
"I hate it when Mom makes me do this shit," Coren muttered, hands pressed to the counter.
