by Sean Kennedy
His lips were white, they were so taut. “I just can’t handle it right now.”
I pushed it. “Are you seeing anyone?”
“No.”
“Oh.” I was relieved, but I still didn’t know what it meant for me. “Well, I’m not either.”
“I didn’t ask if you were,” he said coldly.
“Oh.” It was obvious he still wanted to punish me. I couldn’t blame him, but I wondered when I would finally pay enough so that he could get past it.
Declan sighed. “Jesus, Simon.” He looked like he wanted to say something else, but then he thought better of it. Without another word, he began to walk off. He stopped only a few feet off, turned back halfway, but before our eyes met he was off again.
I should have run after him, made him talk to me some more, or force him to say anything just to keep him there. But I was so tired. The meds were kicking in, and my knees were rubbery. I shuffled over to the nurses’ desk and handed in my paperwork.
Discharged, I pushed through the emergency department doors and sat down in one of the hard plastic chairs in the waiting room. All I could do was stare at the white walls before me. My arm was now throbbing painfully, and any kind of movement in my face made me aware of the torn skin rubbing against the stitching holding it together. I think I would have cried if I hadn’t known the damage it could cause, and stoicism won out.
I felt a hand upon my good shoulder. I looked up to see Fran and Roger staring sympathetically at me.
“We saw Declan in the distance, leaving,” Fran said, confused. “He didn’t stay?”
I shook my head.
“He sounded panicked on the phone when I called him,” Roger said.
“Well, he had obviously had a huge change in temperament when he saw I was okay.”
“Was it wrong for me to call him?” Roger asked worriedly.
“No,” I reassured him. “I just… still don’t know what’s going on.”
“Sorry we took so long. It was ages waiting for a taxi,” Fran told me. “But Declan didn’t offer to drive you home?”
“No, he didn’t.”
“That bastard,” Roger fumed, looking as if he was going to go and hunt him down and bring him back.
“He’s not the bastard,” I said. “I am.”
Fran and Roger immediately started trying to assure me I wasn’t, but I shook their protestations off. “Can you please just take me home?”
They flanked me as we walked out into the cold night air to wait for another taxi. But as we sat in the rank a familiar SUV pulled up and Dec jumped out with the engine still running. By that stage the drugs were making me feel like I was flying, and I was pretty sure I was imagining it until he hovered over me and said, “Can I give you guys a lift?”
Chapter 31
I DOZED most of the way home, hearing in some back part of my brain Dec saying good-bye to Roger and Fran as he dropped them off at their house. If this was a dream, it was the best one I had had in a long time. I woke up again to Dec unbuckling my seat belt and helping me out of the car.
“Are those keys magic?” I slurred as he opened my door with his own set.
“I still have my own key for here,” he said.
“That’s pretty presumptuous of you,” I replied, although I think presumptuous came out as garbled nonsense.
I heard him say hello to Maggie as he pulled me through the door and closed it behind us.
“She’s mad at you,” I said to him, and that was the last thing I remembered until I woke up in the morning and saw him across from me. He must have dragged the ratty old lazyboy in from the lounge, because it was at the foot of my bed and Dec was folded across it with Maggie curled up on his side.
“Traitor,” I whispered.
Dec’s eyes opened. “Don’t be mad at her.”
“I have to be mad at something.”
“Then be mad at me.”
I wanted to be. But I was just so glad to see him. “Why are you in that chair?”
“It would have been awkward to share the bed, wouldn’t it?”
It would have been, although it seemed I had been comatose the whole night.
“Dec, what are you doing here?”
He sat up properly, and Maggie jumped over to the bed to get some affection from me. “I couldn’t just leave you like this, could I?”
The night’s events still seemed foggy, but there was one thing I remembered. “You did in the hospital.”
“I was stupid.”
“You were running away again.”
He nodded slowly. “And that’s why I came back.”
Just when it seemed like we were getting somewhere, there was a knock at the door. Dec and I looked at each other quizzically, not knowing who to expect.
“Wait there,” I told him.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he said. “I promise.”
They were just words, but they were comforting. I believed him. Didn’t mean he was off the hook yet. My shoulder was throbbing with pain, and I knew I had to get more drugs in me but I wanted to stay lucid for as long as I could while Dec was still around.
It wasn’t anyone that I recognised who was standing on my veranda. He pushed his sunglasses back into his hair and grinned at me. “You look like you’ve been in the wars!”
“Huh?” I asked stupidly.
“Can’t tell which is in worse shape, you or the car!”
I peered past him to see a tow truck parked on my verge with my poor car hanging off the back like some grim hunting trophy.
“I didn’t arrange for a pickup,” I told him. Or had I?
“Well, it’s either a pickup or a delivery elsewhere,” he said, which made no sense to me. He showed me his clipboard, and I saw Dec’s name under the caller information.
“That’s not the Declan Tyler?” asked the man with interest.
“Uh, yeah, it is.” And I was just as surprised as he was.
“Wow.” The guy was impressed. He looked at me a little closer. “Of course! You’re the boyfriend. Or were. Didn’t you guys split up?”
His eyes widened, and I looked behind me to see Dec had emerged from the bedroom.
“I guess not,” the tow truck driver whistled.
I didn’t know whether to debate the point, so I wisely kept my mouth shut.
“Anyway, it’s prepaid and your friend here said you had to choose whether to have it dropped here or taken on to this other address.”
I looked at the clipboard. The address was for the garage that Declan’s brother owned. “Might as well take it on to the garage, hey?”
The driver laughed. “You think that thing out there can be salvaged?”
“Hey,” I told him. “You gotta have hope.”
I closed the door. Dec was leaning against the wall, and smiling. “You have hope?”
“I do. About a lot of things. I hope.”
He gave me that smile again, and it made me want to scream.
“Declan, I’m going fucking insane!” I cried, grabbing him by his collar with my good hand. “I just need to know, what is going on between us?”
He steered me over to the couch and tried to get me to sit down, but I was too antsy.
“Why did you arrange for my car to be picked up?”
“Because you love that piece of shit car, for some reason,” he said, as if it was the most obvious answer to give. “So I wanted it to be rescued.”
Was the car a metaphor? “Why now? Why were you willing to talk to me after all this time?”
“Because I was ready. I was sick of hiding.”
“And I was sick of having no idea what was going on.”
“I just didn’t think the premiere was the best place to talk to you. And then I got that call from Roger, and I was so fucking scared. It was like going to the hospital when I got the phone call about my dad. So when I got there and saw that you were reasonably okay, it was like all that worry turned into relief… but instead of acting relieved I got al
l tense, and it came out as anger. Probably because I hadn’t had the chance to talk to you properly.”
“But you came back,” I reminded him.
“I got your message.” It was a grin that seemed more like a grimace stretched across his face. “You were right. And you sounded so hurt and angry that it made me run even more. But something had to give.”
He was right. Something had to give. “Communication was never our strong point. But can we talk now?”
“Sure, if you’ll sit down. You’re making me nervous, standing over me.”
I did as he asked, but there was a large gap between us on the couch. Ease around each other still had to come, but I started to talk. I told him everything about how I had felt with the crowds at the games, the hassles I had gotten from the public, what the internet forums had said about me, the talk with Ed, the event at the Brownlow, and how it had all built up and caused me to snap and fight back against Jason Terne on Brunswick Street as he had just happened to come along and represent all those issues in one tidy little package.
And then Declan told me about the things he had kept from me, the details of the sledging on the field, how he felt helpless in hearing those things said about me and unable to do little about it, his guilt in thinking that he exposed me to all of this and how he feared that I secretly blamed him for it, and how he had always admired me as he thought I was dealing with it well, but that it had all came crashing down with the Jason Terne issue.
“The break wasn’t from us,” I told him. “It sounds so stupid now, because of everything that happened afterwards, but all I meant was us getting away from it all for a while. Taking off, just you and me, away from all that shit.”
He stared down at the floor, chewing on the inside of his cheek. It must have been a gaping hole by now.
“I could have explained myself a bit better,” I said meekly.
Dec laughed. “Fuck. I could have asked you what you meant instead of jumping to the wrong conclusion.”
“I would never have broken up with you,” I said earnestly. “I’m more miserable without you than I am with you.” As soon as that sentence came out I groaned, because I knew how bad it sounded.
But Declan laughed. “Vintage Simon Murray comment.”
“You know I say things the wrong way, but you know what I mean.”
He nodded. “I know.”
“It’s tough going out with you, Dec, I’m not going to lie about that. But I know I’m not easy to go out with either. I was stupid. I let all the negatives get to me when I should have reminded myself what was good about us. That I loved you, you loved me, and that should have been the most important thing. All that mattered.”
His hand twitched to reach across and take mine, but he kept it on his knee.
“I fucking hate not being with you,” I continued, not caring if I sounded like a screechy stereotype in the final moments of some abysmal romantic comedy. “I hate thinking I’ve turned you against me, when I love you. Because I do.”
“I haven’t turned against you. I never did. I was mad for a while, but I eventually realised I was mad at my own stupidity and not being able to face something when it happened. So instead, I just cut you out. I couldn’t think, and I’m sorry I shut down. But I’m not used to it.”
“Used to what?”
He paused for a long moment, and I knew that whatever he was going to say was taking a lot out of him. “Being in a relationship that’s also a partnership. Something that’s equal. Where the other person gives a shit and feels things passionately. Jesus, Simon, I was in a relationship for two years where he felt safest pretending not to care about anything. And I went along with it. So I didn’t know how much it could affect me when I saw you getting hurt or being pissed off because you feel things so strongly.”
“We’re meant to feel things strongly, Dec. Even us manly men types.”
Declan snorted. “Yeah, we just never talk about them when we should. And then we fuck things up even more.”
“We seem to be doing okay now,” I pointed out.
Finally, his hand lifted and grasped mine. It was awkward because my closest hand was in the sling, and my free one was stuck between my leg and the end of the couch. To make it slightly easier I moved in closer to him.
“When you said you needed a break, I just reverted to the way I used to be,” Declan continued. “I had to. And I didn’t really snap out of it until Abe pointed out to me I was acting just like the ex used to. And he’s the last fucking person I want to be in a relationship.”
“You’re not him.”
“Maybe not. But sometime he’s still part of me when I act stupidly.”
“Now you know, he doesn’t have to be.”
“When I saw you, bloody and in that sling—”
“It was only a head wound. They’re dramatic with the blood.”
“All I wanted to do was come home with you, if that’s what you wanted.”
“Of course it’s what I wanted.”
“I have to apologise to Fran and Roger. I ignored their calls.”
“You’re lucky they forgive easily.”
“Your Fran and Roger?”
He had a point.
“Anyway,” he continued. “I have some news. It’s partly why I was also off in my own little world the past week or so. I wanted to get it all sorted.”
“What?”
“I’ve told the Devils I’m not renewing my contract this year. As of December, I’m a free agent.”
Wow, that was huge. “And?”
“I’m moving back here. Permanently. Preliminary talks have already started for me to sign with a Victorian club.”
“But it would have been on the news!”
“Ed’s pissed, and he wants it hush-hush at the minute. And you know Ed.”
I did, having had firsthand experience with Ed’s machinations.
“So no more semi long-distance relationship,” Declan said happily. “One more troubling factor in our problems solved.”
“You were doing all this while we were….” I couldn’t even bring myself to say the words for fear it would happen again.
“I had hope,” he said simply.
“I wish you had talked to me so I could have had some.”
“Yeah, well, things are going to change on that front now, aren’t they?”
I kissed him. “Fuck, yes. I’m not going through this again.” My eyes widened as a thought occurred to me. “Who have you signed up with?”
Declan grinned.
“Please say it’s Richmond!”
“Like Richmond could afford me,” he scoffed.
My face fell. “Oh fuck, anyone but Collingwood!”
He silenced me by kissing me again. “You look ready to drop.” He stood and reached down to help hoist me up, leading me towards the bedroom.
I was in a lot of pain. I let him give me my tablets and a glass of water and as I was ready to fall back asleep he propped himself back up in the lazyboy.
“Hey, doofus,” I said. “Get over here.”
“Yeah?”
“Don’t ask stupid questions.”
The bed shifted as he crawled in beside me. I awkwardly tried to spoon as close to him as I could, as much as the sling and the pain would allow. I had to see his face.
“I missed you,” he murmured. “And I’m never leaving again.”
“Let’s not be this stupid again.” I could feel the painkillers wanting to pull me under.
His lips were against my forehead as he spoke. “We probably will be stupid again, but I promise you, not that stupid.”
I closed my eyes; I finally felt at peace again. Drowsy with Declan’s warmth wrapped around me, it was easy to feel that he had never been away.
I heard him say, “I’m in this for the whole season, not the first round.”
I groaned sleepily at the bad metaphor. “Cheesy, Dec, cheesy.”
But I managed to tell him I was in it for the whole season as we
ll. I finally fell asleep, knowing he would be there when I woke up.
Overtime
FEBRUARY. A new year, a new season of footy.
I sit in the stands with Fran, Roger, and Lisa. Below us, Declan and Abe run out onto the field in their new team colours. The anticipation for them this year is high; they refused to be parted in their negotiations when leaving the Devils, and although it took some time their contracts saw them remain teammates.
With Essendon. You can imagine how my parents reacted. Especially as it means they get seats in the Essendon box at home games. They are here with us now, gushing over the unearthly abilities of their new adopted son.
Alice Provotna is a row behind us in the WAGs box, filming it all. This is her last day of shooting, and then she will do her final edit on the documentary. Declan and I decided to tell the truth about everything, even our temporary split, so that the film can realistically depict the pressure that weighed upon us in our year in the spotlight. What’s going to be odd is that it will premiere at this year’s Triple F festival, and we will all have to attend even though Nyssa and I no longer work for them.
The interest in us hasn’t exactly died down, but it doesn’t seem so controversial now. People seem to be getting used to it, although you still get the occasional dickhead.
Declan and I still bicker, but wonder of wonders, actually talking to each other gets us through it.
The siren goes for the start of the game, and Lisa and I leap to our feet. I may be supporting Dec and his team today, but I will be wearing my Richmond scarf tomorrow when Dec, Roger, and I will be going to watch them play against Hawthorn. Fran, of course, is not coming. This game today will probably be enough for her for one year.
As I watch Declan soar to take a mark, I think about how much my life has changed over the past two years. In life, like football, you need a good team to support you. I have that.
And if you have that, no matter what happens, you’ll always be okay.
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