by Dale Mayer
“What’s wrong with you?” he snapped. “I said a hundred percent effort. Not sixty-five and that’s all I’ve seen out of you today.”
“No, you’re right,” he said, rotating his shoulders and easing his head back. “I’m not sure what’s wrong with me. I’m just off a bit.”
“Well, get back on again,” Shane said. “We’re done for the day.” He waved his hand. “Go home, go for a swim, and work some of that out of there.”
Keith nodded and quickly made his way to the wheelchair and left. He didn’t like Shane being pissed off at him either. It wasn’t a state that he was used to seeing, but Shane was usually trying to get Keith to do his best, and no way was he doing that today. He wasn’t even sure what was wrong because he’d been upset before, when he didn’t know why Ilse hadn’t been around. But he’d found out she was back, so why wasn’t he “back” as well?
It was frustrating when you couldn’t come up with a reason why something was off. It was just off. Only that wasn’t good enough when you were here for however long; you had these people’s talents and skills available to help you get from point A to point B. Just because Keith wanted to dawdle somewhere in the middle didn’t mean that the staff had the time for it.
Feeling upset at himself, he headed back to his room, where he quickly washed up and changed his T-shirt. He grabbed his crutches and slowly maneuvered his way to the cafeteria. He wasn’t even sure that he’d worked up enough of an appetite. Shane had told him to go swimming, but he hadn’t realized what time it was. Still, he had on his swim shorts, so he should either go swimming first or he could go later.
When he took one look at the long line in the dining room, he decided he’d eat later, and he took the elevator down and made his way to the pool. Stripping off the T-shirt, he jumped into the water.
As soon as it closed over his head, he could feel some of the stress and the confusion in his world floating away. This is what he needed. Just a chance to veg out and to get down here, not be ordered around, not be told what to do by anybody, and just have the time to do for himself. And what he really wanted to do was just swim, and that’s what he did, heading from one side to the other mindlessly. Blindly trying hard to keep his form, he just worked steadily, back and forth.
When he finally broke through the water and eased back to just float, he saw Shane standing there, looking down at him. “Problem?” he asked.
“No,” Shane said, “not at all. Just glad to see you put more effort into that than you did upstairs.”
“Sorry,” he said. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“Woman trouble?” Shane asked, his hands on his hips, frowning at him.
“Actually not,” he said. “I was worried because she hadn’t shown up for a few days, but she was there this morning.”
“Well, I know the last couple days she’s been slammed in the kitchen,” he said, “because some of the staff members were out sick.”
“I knew that,” he said, “because she came today.”
“Good,” Shane said, “but after all that I didn’t get anything close to your best efforts, so having her show up again obviously didn’t affect things much.”
“It didn’t. You’re right,” he said. “It just reminds me that, although life is changing, it’s not necessarily changing enough.”
“Explain,” he barked.
“I can’t really explain it, but, even if I wanted to have a relationship with somebody, that somebody is here working all the time,” he said. “I can’t stay here forever obviously, so I’m not sure what solution there is.”
“Well, you’re not going anywhere soon,” he said. “I wouldn’t want to see you leave here for at least another two months.”
He stared at him in surprise. “Do you think I need to be here that much longer?”
“Absolutely,” Shane said. “You’ve come a long way, but it’s just the beginning to get you where you need to be.”
Keith nodded slowly. “Okay,” he said, “I was thinking I would only be here for another couple weeks.”
“I would say eight at the minimum,” Shane said. “It could be closer to twelve if not sixteen. Even once we get you back up to peak performance,” he said, “we have to stabilize all those muscles in that spinal column of yours. We’ll be a long time at it, so spend the time getting to know and to enjoy her. If it’s something that you want to keep up when you’re done and you’re healthy,” he said, “you’ll find a way. Don’t start making problems ahead of time.”
At that, Shane turned and walked away. He stopped at the bottom of the stairs, going up to the dining room deck, and said, “And, hey, don’t do so much swimming that you don’t eat.”
“Yes, boss,” Keith said and then laughed. He hadn’t wanted to come to Hathaway House and, even when he’d arrived, he didn’t want to stay. Now he couldn’t stop laughing because he could stay for at least another two to four months. And that was perfect. How far he had come was evidenced by that alone.
Chapter 12
Ilse did take two days off. She really needed them. She was completely burned out, and her crew, now that they were back up and running fully staffed, had everything in hand. She went into town and visited friends, saw a movie, and did some shopping. By the time she came back to work two days later, she couldn’t wait to see if Keith was awake. When she walked into his room, he looked up and laughed.
“This time I asked Dennis, and he said you were off for a couple days.”
She nodded. “Exactly,” she said, “I don’t take enough time off as it is. I did mention it before I left.”
“I know. It just seemed longer. I was wondering how that worked,” he said. “In case I ever get out of this place, and we wanted to spend some time together,” he said, waggling his eyebrows, “how do you make time for that when you’re always here working?”
“I’m here a lot because I don’t have any other life,” she said, laughing. “This has been my whole life for a long time now.”
“When was your last relationship?” he asked.
“Years ago,” she said. “I’ve dated since then, but I haven’t met anybody who I really cared about.”
“Until now,” he nudged.
She chuckled. “Until now,” she agreed. “And it’s hard to say where you’re heading yourself, right?”
“Well, for the first time, I know,” he said. “I spoke with Shane about it a couple days ago, and I guess I’m here for a while yet, which was great news.”
“Oh, wow,” she said. “It’s funny though, most people don’t want to stay here long-term.”
“No,” he said. “And that’s where the problem comes in because, as soon as I do leave, I don’t know how to keep in touch with you.”
“Well, I’m sure we can …” Just then her cell phone beeped. She hopped to her feet. “Looks like I’ve got to go.” And, like that, she was gone.
And he had to wonder. Was she just a workaholic? Maybe this was also her way of getting away from having an intimate or personal conversation. He had no way to know exactly what they were to each other at this point. It was funny, but they were bouncing off it, coming together and bouncing off, almost like the beginning stages of a real relationship. It was real in every other way, except that he couldn’t exactly take her on a date. They couldn’t go see a game or take a walk in the park together. But then he hadn’t been all that successful in his other relationships, going to a game, taking a walk, having dates. And this had started here with even less. But, then again, without all the usual societal details of typical dating, they were focused on something more important.
They were each getting to know the other, the real person on the inside. All the rest of it was just window dressing. He laughed at that because it was one thing to feel that way when you had a healthy, strong, or physically fit body. But it was another thing entirely when every muscle and bone had been damaged. He knew that any storm that came now would make his bones ache something fierce. But sh
e would understand that as well.
He knew that things between them had gone deeper and faster than in most cases or in a normal relationship because, when you dated, you kept things on a superficial level. You went dancing. You went to the movies and did various things like that. He just wasn’t sure if that was good or bad. After you got through that first flush, it was easy to see that there were issues still. No matter where they lived, there would have to be some meeting of the minds over various issues. And that would be true no matter what relationship he had.
Somebody would have to get used to his physical issues, just the same as he would have to get used to somebody else’s issues. For instance, in her case, her workaholic tendencies. And that was fine. Life was all about making adjustments. But it still felt odd, like he wasn’t quite home and wasn’t quite ready to go in that direction. He didn’t know what was holding him back because he’d made such progress in so many different ways. But he had to admit a little bit of fear resided in the back of his mind. He decided that, when he went for his next shrink appointment, he’d just bring it up.
And when he did, the doctor looked at him and asked, “What is it you think is holding you back?”
“I don’t know,” he said, “it just seems—I don’t know.” And he couldn’t fill it in with words. He had gotten a whole lot more comfortable talking with her. As shrinks went, she was okay. She never pressed or pushed, but she had a gently insistent way of asking questions over and over again.
“That you’re not quite whole, maybe?”
“Maybe,” he said, “but it feels like it’s something else.”
“How about trust?”
He looked at her and winced. “In what way?”
“What way is there?” she asked slowly.
“I don’t know,” he said in frustration. “That’s why I brought it up.”
“And I like that,” she said. “I really like that. It makes a huge difference if you’re willing to look into your own treatment and truly participate.”
“Maybe,” he said, “but it still feels like something else is there.”
“Do you think it goes back to your father?”
Something inside him stilled. “I hope not,” he said harshly. “I really don’t want to open that door.”
“And yet,” she said slowly, her gaze direct, “have you ever been in love? Have you ever been married? Have you ever had a relationship where you wanted it to be the one?”
“I’ve been in love,” he said, “but I’ve never been married.”
“Why not?” she asked.
He took a deep breath and then let it out slowly. “My girlfriend said that I was afraid of committing.”
“Interesting,” the doctor said. “And that would fit.”
“Fit in what way?” he asked, bewildered. “How would anybody even know that?”
“Think about your father, the person who, besides your mother, was supposed to be there for you. To care for and to nurture children abandoned by their mother.”
“Stop,” he said. “I wasn’t abandoned. She died.”
“That’s true, but, despite the circumstances, many times we feel that we’ve been abandoned when somebody in our life has died,” she corrected him gently. “You’re still the child who was left behind when she left without you.”
“But she didn’t want to,” he said rather desperately, feeling something tweak inside himself.
“Of course not,” she said with a gentle smile. “That’s a given. But it doesn’t mean that, deep down, that little boy didn’t feel like you were supposed to go with her. Or that your life would have been forever different if she hadn’t left you.”
“That’s true,” he said.
“Then we come to your father,” she said. “Somebody you’re still very angry with, over his treatment of you. And he’s dared to come back into your life to try to create a relationship in order to make himself feel better, when, as far as you’re concerned, that relationship’s already long been dead, done, and over with.”
He just stared at her. “How did you figure all that out?”
“My job is to understand people,” she said gently. “And really? You’re not any different than the others. We all have hurts. We all are works in progress.”
“Ouch,” he said. “I was thinking I was very different.”
“When you arrived, you didn’t care what happened,” she said. “You were morose, brooding, and moody,” she said. “But why?”
“I don’t know,” he said. “I just didn’t care.”
“Why didn’t you care?”
“Because—” and he stopped. He sank back in the chair. “I don’t know.”
“That’s fine,” she said, “but I want you to think about it over the next few days and see what answer might rise to the surface.”
“What if no answer rises?” he asked bitterly. “I came here to get answers.”
“I don’t have answers for you,” she said in surprise. “You’re the one with the answers.”
“But what if I don’t have this answer?” he asked.
“Then you’re not looking in the right place.”
Chapter 13
It was an odd thing to realize, when she had coffee with Keith, just how addicted she was to being in his presence. And just how much she wanted to be with him. How much she wanted to take this relationship to the next level. Whatever that meant. And so, when he spoke about leaving, her heart just surged.
Of course he would leave at some point. She too was grateful that it wouldn’t be anytime soon, but she could also see he’d been thinking about it. And so he should. This wasn’t just his life; this was her life. But it didn’t have to be quite so crazy of a life. She was the one who had made it that way. But the thought of him leaving left a great big gaping hole in her heart.
She’d been off now for a couple days. Mentally off and physically off. She had worked hard to hide it, but it was obvious by the looks of everybody around her that they were walking on tiptoes, trying to figure out just what was going on. She didn’t have an answer for them. It seemed like she didn’t have any answers for anybody these days, and that was apparently how Keith felt too.
She didn’t see a shrink. She didn’t go through therapy or any of the other million treatments that they went through here. She was just the person who provided food. But she could see how much the food meant to the staff but mostly to the patients, when she saw their progress throughout the weeks. But she also saw men come and men go, and maybe that’s why she had avoided relationships here and elsewhere—because she didn’t like the leaving part.
It felt wrong to get involved with somebody only to say goodbye. As she stared down at her hands, holding the great big bowl of dough in front of her, she realized she didn’t want to say goodbye. That was the difference this time. She really didn’t want to say goodbye. So, in a way, she wished she hadn’t even said hello. But it was too late for that. She couldn’t put this genie back in the bottle, and it was definitely something she would have to find a way to work around. Relationships work for all kinds of people, in all kinds of ways. She just had to find what would work for them.
The trouble was, she didn’t even know where he lived permanently. People came here from all across the country. If he would be local, that was a whole different story, but, if he was returning to somewhere else, she wasn’t sure what she was supposed to do. And, because of that, it seemed like everything she did had a little extra snap to her wrist or a little extra bite to her voice.
She didn’t mean it that way; she was just dealing with the fact that she didn’t have any answers, and she was frustrated. And that completely sucked. She went through a couple more days of seeing him in the morning but then being busy during the day, as she tried to work her way through this personal dilemma of hers. And still, she didn’t find any answers. Finally, at noon one day, she looked up to see Dennis staring at her. “What’s the matter?”
“That’s my line,” he sai
d with a smile. “What’s the matter with you?”
“I didn’t think anything was the matter,” she said cautiously.
“You probably should just sit down and talk with him.”
“What makes you think I need to talk with him?”
“Because the only things that can twist a person into a pretzel and spit you out like this, not even whole,” he said, “are relationships.”
She winced at that. “Is it that obvious?”
“Not really,” he said, “but I know you pretty well. I also happen to think that you and Keith are a great match.”
“Most people wouldn’t agree with you,” she said, fascinated.
“Doesn’t matter what most people think,” he said. “The only ones in this relationship are the two of you, and you two are all that matter.”
“Well, that’s true enough,” she said, “but you know how I never get involved because people come and go all the time.”
“Yeah,” he said. “You said you aren’t into short-term relationships. That you’re an all-or-nothing gal.”
“When he started talking about leaving,” she said, looking down at the bowl in her hands again, “it just hit me that I’d done exactly what I said I would never do. I would never get involved in a short-term relationship.”
“How do you know it’s a short-term relationship?” he asked.
She looked up at him. “He’s not necessarily talking about staying close by. Like all of them, he’ll leave here.”
“Maybe so but his sister is here,” he said. “You’re forgetting that.”
She looked at him in surprise, and then a delighted grin split her face. “You know something? I did forget. So … I guess, even if he does leave the center, he’s not necessarily breaking off all contact with his sister, is he?”
Dennis laughed. “You see? Normally you’re a smart, intelligent woman, but I’ve seen other smart people break down and become needy, pathetic, completely uncertain—simply because of a failure to sit down and to work things out with their partner.”
