by Dale Mayer
“But—”
“No buts,” he said. “I mean, he’s done a phenomenal job of improving himself.”
“And so would you if you’d pay attention,” Shane said in exasperation.
Keith looked up at Shane. “Sorry, man. Just dealing with some eye-opening stuff today.”
“I hope so,” he said, “because this has to stop. This is a couple days in a row now, and we can’t do that.”
Keith looked at him in surprise. “Seriously?”
“Seriously,” Shane said. “Every day you need to show up prepared to do the job.”
“I have,” Keith said in protest.
“You have physically,” he said, “but not mentally. And that needs to shift.”
Next up was his shrink appointment. He walked in, still distracted.
“I hear you’re struggling,” she said. “What’s going on?”
“I had some eye-opening discussions,” he said, then told her about Ilse, his relationship with his father, and how he’d always avoided long-term commitments. “I feel I can open that door with Ilse. I think it will be an important step for me down the road. I mean, it takes two to have a working relationship, a successful one. I still need to discuss that with her. I’m willing to look at that commitment step when the time comes. But I have to look after me first.”
“Is that the root of your problem with Shane?”
He winced. “You heard about that, huh?”
“We’re a team,” she said. “Your team. We have to work together.”
“I don’t know,” he said. “I didn’t realize I was holding back.”
“According to Shane, you’re not giving it your all.”
Keith stopped. “You know what? It’s really irritating to hear that because he’s seen so many guys, and it’s like there’s no way Shane doesn’t see what he needs to see in me. And obviously he feels like I’m not giving it everything I’ve got, but I’m on the other side of that, and it feels like I’m giving him what he’s expecting, but it’s not enough.”
“There’s the problem,” she said with a gentle smile. “You’re giving him what he wants. You’re not giving him what you want.”
He stared at her in surprise. But inside was that kernel of truth. “Are you saying that, in some stupid sick way, I want to stay like this?”
“No, not at all. I’m saying that the little child caught in the nightmare inside you is afraid that, by giving it your all, it still won’t be enough. So, if you only give half of your all, you’ll always have an excuse for when you fail or for when you don’t get the success you had hoped for. You can just say, You tried, and it didn’t work out. But secretly, you’ll be safe because you know you held back, so you, the real you, didn’t fail.”
He winced at that. “God, that sounds terrible.”
“And it probably is,” she said, “but it doesn’t change the reality of what you’ve got happening here. And now what you need to think about is what’s important. Think about what it is you want out of life and whether you’re prepared to really reach for it. In this case, I’ll say what you’re actually reaching for is happiness, something that you’ve never really had. Not since your mother died.”
Chapter 14
Ilse was a little distracted herself, as she figured out what was going on in her world, as she wondered how best to let Keith know what was going on between them. But she’d also recognized that he was distracted too, and she wondered if that would be their life. Moments of clarity and peace and togetherness, and then moments of what looked like clouds and maybe storm clouds at that.
She had no one to really talk to about it except Robin, and Ilse didn’t want to do that, in case it got back to her brother. Plus, Ilse felt it wasn’t fair to Robin or Keith, since they should be able to have their own relationship without Ilse in the middle. Then, at some point, she would just castigate herself for being a fool.
Dennis once again walked past her, tapped her on the shoulder, and said, “Remember. Talk to him.”
“Easier said than done,” she replied.
“No, all of this,”—he waved his arms around the kitchen—“all of this meandering confusion, all the wondering, all the what ifs, and how tos,” he said, “would all clear up if you just talked to him.”
“I have to get it straight in my head first,” she said mildly.
“No,” he said, “you don’t.” He looked at the menu. “Fish and chips, huh?”
“Yeah. Keith asked for it,” she said.
He turned, looked at her, and grinned. “Not bad when one special patient gets to ask for something for everybody.”
She flushed and said, “If it puts a smile on his face, then I’m happy.”
“Exactly,” he said. “So don’t feel guilty about it. Just talk to the poor man.”
“I’m working on it,” she said.
He just gave a hard headshake and walked off.
She didn’t want to get sucked up into that whole what to do thing, when everything felt so fresh and so new. She knew that Keith was slowly rebuilding his relationship with his sister. Not that it was ever bad, but the two siblings hadn’t spent anywhere near enough time together in their adult lives, and this was a great opportunity for that.
Ilse had also seen Keith with Iain earlier, and they appeared to be hitting it off wonderfully. That was something else that she liked because, from what she had seen, Keith didn’t make friends easily. Neither did she, for that matter. She had plenty of friendly acquaintances but not so many true friends. Of course she had all the guys and gals she worked with, but she was their boss, so it didn’t count.
When lunch rolled around, she stepped out and stood behind the cafeteria line with Dennis, helping to serve. He looked at her a couple times and asked, “What if he doesn’t show up?”
“Then he doesn’t show up,” she said with a smile. “From the reactions of the people so far, fish and chips apparently wasn’t a bad idea.”
“Isn’t that the truth? Several people have been through and just had fish and chips, instead of a mixed plate full of some of it all.” When she looked up the next time, Keith walked in the cafeteria door on crutches. He was moving slowly, holding on to the crutches, but also taking several steps without them. When he reached the cafeteria line, she smiled at him. “That’s another stage of progress.”
“A little scary though,” he said. “This is Shane’s idea.”
“It seems like a good idea,” she said. “It’s too easy to become so accustomed to having wheelchairs and crutches that we forget we were never meant to use them.”
“But falling is not fun,” he said, “so it’s nice to have something, at least until I have a little more confidence in my legs.”
She smiled. He took one look at the food and said, “Fish and chips, huh?”
Such joy was in his voice that Dennis reached over and nudged her. “Just for you,” Dennis said in a low voice.
Keith flashed a bright smile at Ilse. “And I certainly will make good use of this opportunity.” He quickly reached for five pieces of fish and a few chips.
She laughed. “Hey, we’re always looking for good menu ideas,” she said.
“Well, you can repeat this anytime,” he said. And obviously not able to stop and talk because a crowd formed behind him, Keith flashed her a quick smile and whispered, “Thanks.” Then he headed over to a table. When he’d gone by her again to grab coffee, he glanced back and asked, “Join me?”
She looked over at Dennis, who smiled and said, “Go. And take some fish and chips with you.” He quickly served her up a dish with the fish, but she stopped him from putting chips on too. Instead she grabbed a Caesar salad and a fork.
Then she headed out to the cafeteria table to spend some time with Keith. He looked up when he saw her and laughed. “I’m pretty stoked to try this out,” he said, gesturing to the fish and chips.
She sat down beside him, content that at least she’d managed to put that smile on his face.
>
“It’s delicious,” Keith said warmly.
“Good,” she said. “All I ever wanted to do since I was little was cook.”
“That’s not the most normal career path for a child,” he said, “but I’m grateful you did so well because this is awesome.”
“This is simple,” she said. “The stuff you have to learn in culinary school? That’s a whole different story.”
“Well, I, for one, would much rather have a plate of real food like this,” he said, “than all that fancy stuff any day.”
She said, “You look a little bit better today.”
He nodded. “Another one of those mind-bending twists,” he said. “I think I even made Shane happy today.”
“Is he a taskmaster?”
“He is, and apparently I haven’t been completely showing up for the job.”
She was surprised that he even mentioned it, and she looked at him in shock. “What does that mean?”
“Apparently I’ve been holding back, out of some internal fear that truly giving it my all wouldn’t get me the results I wanted,” he said. “So I’ve been dogging it, giving myself a fallback excuse.”
“Ah, got it,” she said. “I did that in school.”
He looked at her in surprise.
“I was afraid to challenge those I considered the better students in the class. So, instead of getting grades in the nineties and one hundreds, I would do solid seventies and eighties. It was enough to get me through everything, but it wasn’t enough to make me a top student.”
“Wow,” he said. “I guess that’s kind of the same thing. I just hadn’t considered that other people were doing it.”
“I think it’s a self-defense thing,” she said. “If I was at the top of the class, everybody would look at me and would judge me that much harder because I would be the best. Turns out everybody wanted to be the best, but nobody wanted to be held to that much higher standard and also be criticized constantly.”
He nodded slowly. “And did you finish school that way?”
“No,” she said. “My mother told me what I was doing. She showed me how I was doing it and said that maybe, just once, it would be nice to achieve something for myself and that I should put in 100 percent of my effort, not just seventy. The next year I graduated at the top of the class,” she said with a laugh, “and I timed it just right, so I could leave in the number one spot, but I didn’t have to deal with all the students behind me in the rankings who hated me.”
He laughed. “I love it,” he said. “That’s cool. I guess maybe I’ve been doing that too. It’s a sobering thought though. Using a baseball analogy, if you never take that giant swing at a pitch, you avoid some embarrassing strike-out scene, but you give up the opportunity for that grand slam home run.”
“As long as you’ve learned that lesson,” she said firmly, “it doesn’t matter now. So, how’s the relationship with your sister going?”
“Perfect,” he said. “They’re making wedding plans. Apparently I’ll walk her down the aisle and hand her over to Iain.”
“I think that’s lovely,” she said. “I hadn’t heard yet.”
“Hey, I just heard it yesterday,” he said immediately. “I know she’s got a big list of people to invite.”
Ilse shrugged. “We’re friends, but she may have a lot of other friends too. I don’t know.”
“I wouldn’t worry about it,” he said, wondering if he’d accidently crossed some invisible line here.
She laughed and said, “No, don’t worry about it. Robin and I are good.”
With relief, he attacked the fish again. “I’m so glad to hear that.”
“What do you think of Iain?”
“Well, he was at the top of the class, so I hate him,” he said cheerfully. Then he watched in joy as she started to laugh, then got the giggles and couldn’t stop. He leaned forward and said, “Not really. Obviously I don’t hate him. My sister loves him, so that’s good enough for me. Iain already knows that, if he does anything to hurt her, I’ll be right there, and it’s me he’ll have to face. Besides, what I’ve seen of him so far, I like him.”
“Typical protective brother,” she teased.
“Absolutely, but it’s also a good thing,” he said. “He may have a line on some work for me.”
“Cybersecurity?”
He nodded. “Somebody who’s looking at setting up a security company needs a couple pros, one in the cybersecurity field,” he said. “I was thinking about setting up my own company, but I’m probably better off to start with somebody else first.”
“So does this guy have the money to bankroll this endeavor?”
“Don’t know. His name is Gunner,” he said with a frown. “I’m not exactly sure about the rest of it, but apparently he’s heavily involved in all kinds of things.”
“When will you meet him?”
“Well, we’ve been emailing back and forth already, and he knows that I’ve got a few more months in here yet, but I’m hopeful.”
“So—” and she abruptly stopped, looking embarrassed.
He looked at her, leaned across, and covered her hand with his. “So … what does that mean? Is there something you want to ask me?”
She sighed. “I guess I’m asking,” she said, “if you’ll be staying in town then.”
“Well, that was always the intention,” he said. He watched as a tiny smile kicked up at the corner of her mouth. He sat back. “I guess I never said that out loud, did I?”
She shook her head. “I have to admit that I was worried,” she confessed.
“Gunner’s out of Houston, but he wants to set up a Dallas office.” Keith glanced around at all the people seated around them. “You know what? It would be really nice if we could talk somewhere with some privacy for a change.”
“Well, tomorrow is Friday,” she said. “How would you feel about a picnic?”
He looked at her in delight.
“If you can walk out to the animals, that is.”
“I’ll make it,” he said. “Even if I have to bring the wheelchair, I’ll make it.”
And, with that, they heard her name called out from the kitchen. She smiled, lifted her empty plate, and said, “Guess I’ve got to go.”
“Tomorrow then?”
“Tomorrow,” she said with a laugh, then headed back to the kitchen.
He sat here with a silly smile on his face and finished off his plate. Dennis appeared almost immediately. Keith looked up, smiled, and said, “That was the best fish and chips I’ve ever had.”
“Well, it was made with love,” Dennis said, “so it should have been.”
Once he was gone, his words resonated deep inside Keith. Because that’s where they were heading. He really cared about her, and, if she cared about him like Dennis just implied, maybe, just maybe, Keith would be the luckiest man in the world. He understood more about what Iain had said earlier because, if Keith had that relationship with Ilse to look forward to, then he also wanted to make sure that he was as strong and as fit and as healthy as he could possibly be. He didn’t want his health problems to be any more burdensome than they absolutely had to be. Because that burden would fall on her as well.
And when Keith sought out Shane at the gym later that afternoon, Shane looked up and frowned at him. “What do you want?”
“I want another session.”
“What?”
“So, you’re right,” he said. “I was cheating myself. I hadn’t realized it, but now I do.” He took a deep breath. “I have something in my future that I really, really, really want to be my best for. And, for that, I need to work harder.”
Shane stared at him, and then he started to laugh. “Ilse, by any chance?”
Keith shoved his hands in his pockets and said, “Maybe.”
“I’m all for having a great relationship as a motivator,” Shane said. “God knows I’ve seen that happen and work time and time again. But what I can’t have is you doing this work for her and not for yo
urself.”
“It’s not just for her,” he said. “It’s for me, so I can be the best I can be with her.”
Shane pondered it for a moment and then gave a clipped nod. “How are you feeling?”
“Underworked,” he said.
Shane hopped to his feet, laughing. “You’ll regret those words. Come on. Let’s go.”
Chapter 15
The next morning Ilse was singing and dancing in the kitchen, having such a hard time containing her joy. The closer it got to lunchtime, the quieter she became. When she started packing up the picnic basket, Dennis came over and double-checked to make sure she had what she needed. He added a bottle of wine and said, “I think you should take two.”
“Two baskets? Isn’t that overkill?”
He brought over a second basket, quickly repacked it with a blanket on the bottom, then added the wine and wineglasses. In the other basket, he packed up the food. “There.”
She looked at it and then at him. “You’ve done this a time or two.”
He grinned and said, “I’m starting to feel a bit like a matchmaker in this place.”
She laughed. “If it works, I’m all for it.” She kept checking the clock.
“Did you set up a time?” he asked.
She shook her head.
“Well, that was foolish,” he said. “Now you’ll just keep waiting.”
“I know,” she said, “and it sucks. Aren’t you supposed to be doling out lunch?”
“I am,” he said, and he disappeared to help.
As she sat here, she waited and waited and waited.
Dennis poked his head around the corner. “Still no sign of him out here. Why don’t you go to his room?”
She frowned.
He shook his head and said, “Remember the benefits of actual communication?”
She nodded, then slipped out the side door and walked toward his room. She knocked on the door, and he called out to come in. When she stepped inside, he sat there, on the bed, rubbing his face. He looked like he’d just woken up.
