by Mia Pride
“I cannot un-see what I saw. I cannot unhear what I heard. I would never tell another man I loved him, especially not one who was in love with me. I realize you were in a panic, but I also believe you spoke the words that your heart truly felt in that moment. I cannot believe you said those words for any other reason, not when I saw how tenderly you spoke them and how tenderly you held her. It was an intimate moment, one I have torturously replayed in my mind a thousand times since it happened. I wish I could believe you, Alastar, but I cannot.”
“Nay. Lin. Listen to me!” Now he truly was pleading and a panic took hold of him. “I love you!”
She swallowed hard and wiped away a tear as she stood from the bench. He reached out to grab her wrist. He was not going to allow her to walk away from him. She moved away just in time and took a few more steps back. “Mayhap you do love me. That does not mean you do not love her, as well. I appreciate you told her about me, Alastar, but telling her you have a wife at the same moment you tell her you love her? That does not send a strong message of loyalty.”
He felt hopeless. Truly hopeless. What could he say or do to convince her? He wished to show her his love, wrap her in his arms and make tender love to her all night long, but his cursed chest wound made certain all he could do was lie on his back like a cripple and pine for a way to make his wife stay by his side. Anger, mostly with himself and a little with his stubborn wife, boiled to the surface. “So, this is it then?” he roared suddenly, making her jump back a step. “You will refuse to believe me? After all we have been through, you would turn and walk away… with my babe?”
His words must have touched some part of her heart that she had not yet hardened to him, for a sadness fell over her face. Her shoulders rose and fell. “I cannot blame this all on you, Alastar. I never meant to get married and I certainly never meant to fall in love. I put myself in a position to be vulnerable, naively believing we could actually make this work.” She shook her head and her voice trailed off. “When I saw you with her, it made me realize that I had been fooling myself. I’m not used to feeling this way, so raw and dependent on one person’s love. And when I felt like that love was being given to another woman, it shook up my world and made me realize that I should never have allowed you to have so much power over me. I should never have allowed myself to believe that this life was meant for me.”
“Aislin,” he croaked as he tried to sit up, but the wound in his chest roared painfully, forcing him to groan and plop back down onto the furs of his mattress. He did not know what ached more, the hole in his chest or the hole in his heart. “You cannot mean that. Do not walk away from us. I love you,” he whispered.
Curse his stupidity. Curse his wound that held him hostage in his own bed. And curse his wife, for being so quick to leave him and all they had built together.
She shook her head with resignation. “I do not believe either of us is made for marriage. You have too much love for lassies to ever be content with just one for the rest of your life. You only entered this marriage based on a wager with Àdhamh. You have made a mockery of this union and a fool out of me. And you would have willingly lain with another woman, not even of your own choosing, had you failed to marry me within the allotted time. You are as I said from the beginning: a fickle man.”
That angered him more than anything else she had said. She had a right to her own emotions, but how dare she tell him what he was or was not capable of, or that he was fickle, when his love for her cut deeper into his heart, than any wound. “Do not dare to tell me I could not love you and be loyal for a lifetime, Lin. I may have erred with my words to Elwynna, and I was a pompous arse when I made that foolish wager, but I am a faithful husband to you and will always be. You are the one walking away! You are the fickle one!” His voice was much louder than he meant it to be, but rage and frustration were causing him to lose his control.
How could she remain so calm? “’Tis for the best, Alastar. I saw you with her. You can tell me you are faithful but in my eyes, you are not. I would never have been caught holding a man the way you held her or looking at him the way you looked at her. Nay, there is still something between the two of you and ‘tis time for you to explore that… but I will not wait while you do so. As I said, I never wanted marriage and you only wanted it if you received a dagger in exchange. I was better off without this pain in my chest.” He heard her choke back another sob and she shifted on her feet, clearly uncomfortable showing this level of vulnerability to anyone.
“And our child, Lin? You did not want children and now you will have one. Will you walk away from him, as well?” He knew he had gone too far with his words, but he was so beyond enraged at the hurt she was causing him that he felt the instant desire to retaliate. Mayhap she could stay calm while leaving him, but he wanted to make her feel the same distress he was feeling. It was childish, aye, but in that moment, he needed to see some emotion other than resignation from her.
The sudden fire in her eyes and balling of her fists told him he had been successful. She surged forward, leaning her beautiful face close to his before she spoke through gritted teeth. “How. Dare. You. I would strike you right now if you were not already injured. I thought you were a better man than you truly are, Alastar Mac Murray.”
Her words were like a punch to the gut. He had crossed the line and he knew it, but he was already losing her. He reached up and grabbed her face in his hands, looking at her imploringly. “Stay, Lin.” Her green eyes sparkled with unshed tears and a deep frown marred her perfect pink lips.
“As I said before, I will stay until you are healed. Then, I must start my life over again. I have enjoyed my time with you, but ‘tis over now. We are too different. I want nothing to do with lads and you want every lass you see.”
He released her face and put his hands down as if burned. She was a spiteful lass when scorned and knew precisely what to say to hurt him. He could only take so much bruising of his honor. He had not lived a perfect life, but he had endeavored to be a good husband and she was determined to believe otherwise. Nothing he could say was going to help and he knew in that moment that it was time to let her go, even if it would kill him to do so.
“You should go now. You do not need to stay to care for me. I am certain I can find another lass to willingly do so.” There he went again, saying things to intentionally injure her spirit. He was an arse. He should continue to plead his case and beg her to stay. Yet, he knew it would do no good. Aislin had set her mind to leaving and he knew his wife well enough to know that only she could change her own mind. The best he could do now was to set her free and mayhap if he was a great enough bastard, he could at least be worthy of her scorn. Because at the moment, her unjust assessment of his character had his emotions in a frayed knot, one he would need lots of space and time to untangle.
Silently, she stepped back and swiped a tear off her cheek, then cupped her slightly swollen belly. That one move made him wish to vomit. She was leaving and taking all that he loved with her, and all he had done was say things to drive her even further away. He had reparations to make in his future, but for now, silence was best.
She must have agreed because without speaking a word, she turned on her heel, walked over to her bed, where she wrapped her cloak tightly around her neck and walked out the door… and out of his life. He was a worthless fool. He had had all he ever wanted in this world and with one small innocent misstep, he had lost it all.
Yet, she was not wrong. He did still care for Elwynna very much. Aislin had seen true affection in his touch and gaze, and he hated himself for hurting her. What she was so unable to recognize was that a man could care for a woman deeply and not be in love with her. He would liken his relationship to Elwynna to that of a sibling. He had grown up with her and shared a past that nobody else could understand. Aye, they had shared their bodies as well, but that had been but a short, desperate time in his life when he hungered for human contact. His feelings never went beyond that and though anyone could see Elwynna
was a bonny lass, her beauty was nothing compared to that of his wife: his wee, stubborn, infuriating wife.
He sighed loudly and tousled his dirty, sloppy hair. His love was gone. His babe was gone, his heart was gone, and all he could do was stare up at the cursed thatched roof of his cursed circular home and watch the smoke from the hearth escape through the pointy top as his entire body ached from the inside out. Gods, he was a pathetic arse.
***
“You did what?” her papa roared at her in a way she had not heard him do since she was a wee lass who liked to sneak off into the forest and explore caves without his permission. “You left your husband? Your injured husband? The father of your child? Are you mad, lass?”
She had heard him shout enough times in her life to find his lectures rather tedious. “Aye. I never meant to stay with him. He knew that. I only married him to get you off my back, Papa! But I cannot stay with him. It was becoming too real.” She rubbed her belly and shook her head. “I will always have him in my life. Of course, I shall never keep his child from him, but I am not meant to be any man’s wife... and he is not meant to be any woman’s husband. ‘Twas all a wager that went too far.”
“I do not believe that for a moment!” her father shouted as his nostrils flared. “Ceara! Our daughter is damaged in the head. Call Maggie! Mayhap Aislin needs to be examined!”
Ceara stood by the cauldron where she was preparing a porridge to break their fast. The smells of honey and cinnamon filled the room and made Aislin’s stomach growl loudly. Her mother remained silent but looked sadly over her shoulder at Aislin. Her mama had always been her champion, never allowing her father’s tirades to go unchecked. Now though, there was a deep disappointment in her green gaze and furrowed brow.
“To Alastar, I do not believe your marriage was just a wager,” her brother added. “He wanted you long before that wager, Lin. He made it disgustingly clear. Although, after what you confided in last night, you know I support your decision.”
She loved her elder brother. Eoin had always been rough with her, as elder brothers would be, but he also supported her whenever she truly needed it. She knew he felt guilty for forcing her into the marriage in the first place, even while knowing about the wager, though Aislin had assured him repeatedly that she had willingly complied for her own selfish reasons. But now those reasons seemed so small when her heart ached deeply for the love she and Alastar had so briefly shared. As many love affairs went, it had been wild like the sea, pulling them until they were in so deep, they could not breathe. They had danced in the waves and allowed themselves to believe the ride would last a lifetime. But once the waves had crashed back to shore and reality set back in, it was clear that what they had was unsustainable.
As much as it hurt to imagine Alastar with Elwynna, she believed she was doing right by stepping back and allowing him the chance to reunite with someone he clearly had deep feelings for. Mayhap he did not believe himself to be in love because he was still rolling around in the waves with the memory of what he had shared with Aislin, but she could see it much more clearly. Elwynna knew Alastar in a way Aislin never would. They had a bond much stronger than anything Aislin had with him and though the last several moons had been intense, and she knew her love for him was real and unchanging, she also knew their time together was nothing compared to his time with Elwynna.
Mayhap Alastar was not ready for marriage several years ago, but he was a man now and deserved to explore those feelings with the first woman he ever truly cared for. And it was obvious Elwynna had genuine love for Alastar. Stepping away and allowing the situation to unfold was the wisest choice, and it was best to move on now, rather than constantly waiting for the day he chose Elwynna over her, or worse, began sneaking around to save Aislin from humiliation and pain.
In truth, the pain of leaving him hurt more than anything she ever expected. She loved him, truly loved him, with all that she was. Just when she realized he was her entire world, he had proven that she was not his. And until he could prove that there was no room for another in his heart, she would pretend she had no room for him in hers… even if it gutted her every second, because she deserved better.
Her father’s angry voice snapped her out of her wandering dark thoughts. “What do you speak of, Eoin? What did Aislin confide in you about? What of this wager?” His hazel gaze darted between her and her brother.
“’Tis not my news to tell. You know that,” Eoin said with finality, and she loved him even more for that. Pure loyalty. Was that so much to ask from someone? She did not believe so.
As much as she loathed to speak the truth to her parents, she could not very well move back into their home without an explanation. With a sigh of resignation, she slowly told the story of all that had transpired since the battle. Her father’s face turned an unhealthy shade of red as she spoke of finding Elwynna in Alastar’s arms. Fearing her papa would finish Alastar off, she tried to appease him by explaining Alastar’s side of the story, which, when she retold it, did make more sense. Still, she stood by her decision. He should never have said those words to another lass.
“I will kill him.”
“You will not. I told you. Much of this is my fault. Perhaps if I had always been the marrying sort, I could accept his explanation of events and move forward. But I never meant to marry, and now I see that I was right all along. It made me vulnerable in a way I never expected, and never plan to be again. He and Elwynna have a past. She knew his family, and grew up with him. He claims he is not in love with her, but I cannot believe that after what I saw. I stepped aside so they have an opportunity to be together. I will not be the unwanted wife, the one in the way of who he truly wants.”
Her mother gasped at her words and turned toward Aislin for the first time. Stepping forward with a deep breath, she could see the flush in her mother’s cheeks and felt a terrible twinge of guilt for upsetting her sweet mama. “I know how it feels, to feel unwanted by the man you love.”
“Och, Ceara,” her papa murmured as he wrapped an arm protectively around her mother. “I was a fool then.”
Her mama chuckled and slapped his chest. “Aye, you were Garreth and I see so much of what happened to us, happening to our sweet lass. Aislin, mo chroí, I understand why you did what you did. You have pride, just like I had when I wished to marry your papa and he did not wish to marry me. It hurt to tell him I wanted out of our arrangement to wed, but I refused to be in the way of what he wanted in life.”
“But you were wrong, love. I did want you. I was just a stubborn fool. I wonder if, in this situation, ‘tis our wee lass who is the fool.” He looked at Aislin wearily. “I know that man loves you, ‘tis clear to all, but I also believe you saw something that hurt you. Love is a tricky thing. A man can love more than one woman. I hope this is not the case, but if it is, you did what was best by leaving now.”
Aislin watched as her father, so large, strong, and handsome, enveloped her wee mama in his arms and kissed her on her forehead. She had grown up hearing the love story of her parents. Arranged to marry at a very young age, her mother had been much more willing to comply than her papa had been. He loved her mama, but he also was not ready to marry or give up his freedom. That thought made her pause. Mayhap she was playing the role of her father in this situation, for she felt petrified at how much she had already given to Alastar and how much more she would have given if she had not walked away. Her freedom had been all she craved.
But the moment she allowed Alastar into her heart, she began to crave his touch, his love, more than aught else. It had been unrealistic, she now knew. A man like Alastar could not give all to one woman. It was not in his nature. He had run away from Elwynna, even though he so very clearly had strong feelings for her. Seeing that connection, how strong it was even years later and with years of absence in between, made her realize now how insignificant her time with him had been. She was but a passing wave on the shore of his life.
“Look at what your papa and I have accompl
ished together once we set aside our ridiculous pride.” Her mother waved around the room, her gaze first landing on Treasa and Eoin in the corner holding Neassa, and then on Aislin and her small protruding belly. “We have created a beautiful life. I only ever wished that for you. I am sorry that my desire to see you as happy as I am has brought this on you. Mayhap your happiness is not dependent upon love or family the way mine was. I should have never made you feel pressured into marriage. Once your babe is born, you will have a love unlike any other to fill your heart in the most tremendous way.” Her mother’s lower lip quivered with emotion and her papa hugged her close again.
“Och, Ceara. You are such a lovely woman. How glad I am that the gods gave you to me.”
Aislin’s throat tightened. She had come here to escape the pain of a love lost and yet, all she had done was walk into a home filled with happy couples. Between her parents and her brother and Treasa, she would be surrounded by affection. It used to sicken her and make her want to gag, but now it simply filled her with pain and envy. Still, she had nowhere else to go. Not now.
Mayhap it had been wrong for her to leave Alastar wounded. He had said hurtful words to her about finding a willing lass to care for him and he questioned her loyalty to their child, but she knew he was hurt and vulnerable. Though she truly had wished to stay to care for him, it was impossible to pretend all was well in his presence. She had to make her intentions to leave known. It would have been deceitful of her to pretend all was well and then simply leave once he healed.
Alastar’s reaction was not one of a man who did not care, but he also may have wanted to stay with her because of the babe. Never would she accept a marriage simply because of a child. He would be involved every day with their child, then she would go home at night to her family. It was as simple as that.
