I took a step back and reached for the remote. I barely noticed the commentators mention the unfortunate incident of a year ago when both brothers had been questioned by police, but my ears perked up.
“Yes indeed, still somewhat unclear what the involvement was at the time, you know it’s rumoured Jake Dawson had to pay a pretty hefty sum to get them out of that,” the lady commentator stage whispered over the still frame of the family.
Her counterpart mock shushed her and then said, “I wonder what it could have been, you know they say they were only routinely questioned...”
I felt my heart slow and the old dread come over me.
“...you know the story is they were covering for someone, but no one knows who, what or why”. Mock gasps over the TV.
I sank into my couch. I turned the TV off. I remembered that night so well, it still haunted my dreams and I still woke screaming from the nightmares. Even now, all these months later, I could still hear her; “You’re no better than me.”
A car horn made me jump, I had moved to the living room in my little apartment. I felt drained. Reliving it in my head was just as horrible as it had been the day I lived through it all. I ran a hand over my face. What was I doing? Why would I let Matt and Theo come here – it would be horrible if Colton or Connor knew I was here and that they had seen me. Been friendly to me, covered for me. Risked their friendship. I couldn’t do this.
I needed to phone Matt – I needed to tell him I couldn’t see them. God, if I hadn’t bought this apartment, I could have changed schools.
I was pacing again. It was my nervous tick. I ran my hands through my hair and gathered it on top of my head. I let my head fall back. Ok, this was silly. I didn’t need to change schools. I just needed to avoid them, all of them. I could do that, I had managed six weeks being in the same city and not seeing them, I could do this.
I should have asked Matt what they were studying. I needed to avoid the buildings where their classes where. I didn’t need to think about them. I had been fine, I had managed to stop seeing him when I closed my eyes, remembered the way his lips had felt when he kissed me, how his hand had ran down my back as he drew the zip of my dress down.
“Come on, Arielle!” I shouted out. I shook my head in frustration. I was acting like a schoolgirl and my school days were most definitely over. I heard my washer start the spin cycle. At least something in this apartment was being productive today. I closed my eyes. Unbidden I saw his face, I groaned as I sank back onto my seat, my head in my hands.
I stood abruptly, this was getting me nowhere. I needed to stop dwelling in the past. I wasn’t that girl anymore. Too much shit had happened to me to be that same girl. I had finished my school year in Dearborn Heights. I hadn’t spoken to anyone, I hadn’t made friends and I genuinely couldn’t tell you any of my teacher’s names – I had went through the motions, cold, detached, numb. I had one aim and that was to make up the lost school time and get to college.
I needed to find that inner strength again. I had mellowed a little since being here and settling in. The last few weeks had been easy, I had adjusted and felt semi normal. I needed to get that back and stop fixating on the past, especially a past with emerald green eyes. I pushed them to the back of my mind, where they had been for the last few months and I got on with the rest of my day.
Class the next morning was the first time I saw Robbie, since the party at the lake. He apologised for his calls and texts. I hadn’t slept well the night before. I had an angry migraine gnome in my head playing a very heavy rendition of Ace of Spades on the drums. To make it worse, my eyes were pulsating in rhythm. I needed a dark room or a very black cave, preferably where the light never shone, where annoying students didn’t chatter and being upright wasn’t a necessary requirement.
Robbie held out a large steaming cup of coffee. We hadn’t known each other long but it didn’t take a genius to know, coffee to me was like blood to a vampire. I was a caffeine junkie and I almost cried when I caught the sweet seductive smell of dark roast. However, caffeine was also my kryptonite when I had a migraine. Therefore, bad head meant bad coffee. Life really did suck.
“I can’t drink that today, I have a migraine.” I explained, trying to get away from the rich aroma.
“Aw, that sucks Elle. Headaches are a pain.” He patted my shoulder.
I had tried so hard not to glare at him, if only I could focus, the glare would have been Cole worthy.
“Only someone who has never experienced the debilitation of a migraine attack would compare them to a headache,” I snorted. “It literally is not in the same league.”
“Oh, I am sure it’s awful.” He patted my shoulder again.
Robbie was beginning to grate on my last nerve and if he patted me on the shoulder one more time, I was going to break his bones.
I knew then and there that class today was a no go and I picked up my stuff and headed to the door.
I passed the lecturer coming in, she took one look at me and asked, “Migraine or hangover?”
I mumbled I didn’t drink alcohol. She nodded sympathetically and told me to go home and rest. I always knew her class would be my favourite.
I staggered home, the stupid bright sunshine laughing down at me, sunglasses were having no impact. I knew I was going to be sick soon. Migraines where the only thing I had in common with my mother. She had been plagued with them for as long as I could remember, since she had died, mine had gotten worse. It didn’t take much thinking about to know mine were triggered with stress. Seeing Matt and Theo had me on edge.
I climbed the stairs to my apartment. The smells wafting out of a nearby bakery made my stomach turn. I needed to lie down. I locked the door behind me. I shrugged off my clothes as I headed for my bedroom. I had blackout blinds and as I shut them, I breathed out in relief as darkness enveloped me. I put on my pyjamas, simple cotton shorts and a tank top – as I headed to the kitchen to get painkillers and some water.
I flopped down on my bed and closed my eyes. The Ace of Spades was still thumping in my head. I curled into a ball, my head disappearing under a pillow. I had no other choice but to merely wait it out. Lying in a dark room wasn’t a good thing for someone like me that had too much time to think. I groaned as I rolled over. I think the gnome drummer was pissed I had taken something to drown him out – I think the beat got louder.
Lying in the dark focusing on the rhythm of the pounding in your head wasn’t to be recommended either. My thoughts wandered. I didn’t want them to. I knew where they would go. The past was the past and I didn’t want to relive it anymore. That cold morning at their house had shut down something inside of me. As we had driven to the airport – I had been so tempted to ask to turn back. Should I have left without a goodbye? Had Connor forgiven Cole, where they ok? Oh my God what had Cole been thinking? Had they fought? Which one hated me the most? Had I ruined everything? Had I wanted him to kiss me? I shook my head, good grief that hadn’t been a kiss. He had branded me that day. All my kisses with Connor had been forgotten, it was like I hadn’t been kissed before.
Ok, so Connor was the only boy I had kissed before, but those kisses melted into insignificance to what Cole had done to me. The way his mouth had moved over mine, the sweet taste of his tongue as it moved with mine, the way he had bit my bottom lip. Oh God, the way he’d tasted my skin. Ok this wasn’t helping me. I turned over again. I was hot, this darned weather was insane. Yeah Elle, it’s totally the weather that has you all hot and bothered, I thought ruefully. I groaned again but for another reason entirely.
I remembered I hadn’t texted Matt, I hadn’t told him not to come. Ugh, I needed my phone. No wait, he said they were out for the weekend, I could tell Matt to his face. It had been so good to see them both. What harm could blueberry pancakes do, really? Was I being selfish? Didn’t I deserve to be a little bit selfish, I’d had a really bad year. I mean as years go, mine had sucked royally. The pain in my head intensified and I knew I needed to just let it roll ov
er me. I succumbed to the pain and the following welcoming darkness.
The rest of the week was uneventful, my migraine took two days to shift properly, so before I knew where I was it was Friday. I had spoken to a couple of girls in my classes to get notes for the lectures I had missed. Robbie had already told me I would be ok with his notes, he suggested the library to copy them. I had a printer/scanner at the apartment, but I wasn’t comfortable taking him there.
As we waited for a printer to become available, Robbie greeted people that passed us. I hadn’t really been paying attention when I felt him stiffen beside me. I’d been staring out the window, when I looked at him. Robbie’s attention was on someone and I followed his gaze to see what caused the reaction. Moving through the stands was none other than Connor Dawson. His hair was slightly longer, he had filled out some over the months, in jeans and white t-shirt he was drawing more than my attention.
I quickly moved behind Robbie as Connor glanced over in our direction, I was frozen in fear that he had seen me. This was not how I wanted to meet him, in fact I didn’t want to meet him at all. Time had passed but at the end of the day this was still the guy who had put someone in hospital over a sandwich. Robbie looked at me in surprise which quickly changed to concern.
“You ok?”
“Mmmm yeah sure, hey I need to go look over there.” With a furtive glance to make sure Connor hadn’t seen me, I was off. I ducked behind a bookshelf and prayed to anyone listening to get me out of here unnoticed. I happened to notice that bookshelves were a great spying prop. I could look out over the tops of the books and watch the entire study section.
I spotted Connor again immediately; he was draped over a blonde girl who was sitting down beside a friend it seemed, with him behind her. She was turned towards him looking up, smiling at whatever he was saying. He leaned down, gave her a kiss on the tip of her nose, then was up and heading out of the library again. He stopped once, looked over his shoulder as if looking for something, shrugged then was gone.
My hands were like vices on the bookshelf, I wasn’t sure I would be able to get them off. I watched the girl, sandy blonde hair, tanned and pretty. She smiled at something her friend said and laughed. She seemed nice; she shook her head at her friend and then bent her head down to her books again.
“Elle what are you doing?” I yelped and leapt about a foot in the air. Robbie was behind me looking at me like I had grown two heads.
“I’m getting a book,” I said as I quickly grabbed a book off the shelf. “You know, for reading.” He reached over and plucked the book out of my hand. He looked at me, eyebrow raised.
“The Theoretics of Mechanical and Civil Engineering?” he read. The what of the who? Oh crap. I was caught.
“Um yeah, seemed interesting.” Oh my God could I be any lamer?
“Yeah ok, what it seemed like,” Robbie said, air quotes and all, “was that you were checking out the guy with Corey Richardson? I wouldn’t bother; he’s a complete a-hole.”
I flushed in indignation but then I had no come back, I had no reasonable explanation to defend him.
“Do you know her?” Robbie asked.
I frowned at him, what was he talking about? Oh, the girl? Shit. “No! Do you?”
“Yeah. Kind of. So, you don’t know her? Wait!” he looked at me speculatively. “Do you know the boyfriend?”
Ha! Oh God, what a question.
“Ugh, let’s just get out of here,” I grumbled. This was beyond awkward.
“Wait. No book?” Robbie grinned at me, enjoying watching me squirm.
“Shut up.” I said as I turned and marched away from him. He was laughing as he caught up with me; he slung his arm over my shoulder.
“So, Ari, what’s the story?” He asked. He pushed the door open and stepped out into the late afternoon sunshine. I froze. He looked down at me as he waited for me to exit.
“Don’t call me that,” I whispered. He frowned at me, I moved out into the sunshine.
“Why not? Those other guys did, I mean it’s so obvious I can’t believe I didn’t think of it before.”
“Only they call me that.” I said firmly, I didn’t want this conversation. I wanted to go home. I looked out over the quad, I wondered which way Connor went. I better be careful heading back.
“So, they are the only ones to call you a nickname?” Robbie said in disbelief. My attention swung back to him.
Huh? I nodded not really paying attention. “Yes, only my friends call me that.” I said. I knew it was the wrong thing to say instantly. Robbie stopped and looked at me, he looked pissed, to be fair, he had every reason to be.
“I’m not a friend?” His attention was fixed on me.
“I didn’t mean it like that; I mean obviously you are...”
He cut me off. “Yeah obviously I am not. God you are so frustrating Elle, you know what, I’m done. This is too much hard work and honestly, I don’t think you’re worth the effort anymore, lord knows you give nothing back.” Robbie turned and walked away.
I stared after him, he was right, I was horrible. I had told him I wasn’t interested and even though he had accepted it and said we could just be friends, I shouldn’t have let him be my friend. I didn’t want a friend and honestly, it was all just so confusing.
I turned and trudged home. When I got in, I was miserable. I changed clothes and then pulled out my books and made notes from the notes I had gotten from others for the classes I had missed. I wasn’t good at being idle, idle meant thinking time and I didn’t want to think anymore.
A few hours later as I was making a coffee, my phone chirped. It was Matt, he’d just dropped Connor and Cole at the airport and he was checking Sunday was still ok. I texted back a quick confirmation before I thought about it too much. I got a smiley face back and I felt better. He was a good friend and I was being stupid, it was important to be friends with people. I thought about Robbie, I better text him and say sorry, or I was a truly horrible person.
Me: I’m sorry I’m a miserable difficult person, I don’t like being called that and I would prefer it if you didn’t. Hope you can forgive me and I hope to see you Monday.
I didn’t have to wait for long for the response.
Robbie: Don’t sweat it, I overreacted, it’s obvious you have a history with those guys. Maybe one day you’ll tell me. Gotta go, heading out with Tommy…
Me: Party?
Robbie: Yes indeed, I’m feeling like tonight’s the night I find THE one
I groaned out loud, the only one he was going to find was an easy girl after probably too many shots.
Me: You know that’s a bad idea? You’re going to regret it in the morning!
As I typed, I was grinning.
Robbie: Don’t you know the majority of people find their true loves in college, it’s a proven fact.
Me: No it isn’t, you’re making that up. Do not try that line on a living human girl; you’re going to get a slap. Have fun, be safe.
Robbie: Yes mom
I felt better, Matt and Theo were coming on Sunday, Robbie had forgiven me. I exhaled. My thoughts flashed to seeing Connor earlier, so was she his girlfriend? I wasn’t sure how to deal with that, was I jealous? Did I have a right to be jealous? I shoved him out of my mind and picked up the phone to speak to my grandparents, they always made me feel better.
Once I had debriefed them of my week of classes and I had been brought up to speed on my Papa’s attempts at tomato growing, the phone was passed to Gran again.
“Ok, your papa has gone out of the room. Now tell me the juicy bits,” she laughed down the phone. “Any progress with Robbie?”
“No Gran, I told you it wasn’t like that with him. He just wants to be friends.”
“I don’t believe it. He’s a man, isn’t he? He’s seen you hasn’t he? You’re gorgeous! Is he blind? Oh my is he...gay?” She whispered the last question and I couldn’t help it, I started laughing.
“No Gran, he isn’t blind or gay. He’s nice and he’s
a friend. You know I don’t want a relationship.”
“You know the majority of college students meet their future husbands or wives in college you know.”
I took the phone away from my ear and looked at it, was this bugged? “Gran that’s not true. Who told you this?” I demanded.
“Was on the internet. People did research on it, must be true. You can’t let life pass you by Elle.” Gran was adamant, there was no dissuading her. After a few more minutes, we said our goodbyes and I hung up.
Still smiling at both Robbie and my Gran, I got ready for bed. Tomorrow was Saturday and I had a new book downloaded on the e-reader I wanted to start. I paused for a minute as I noticed it was ten thirty on a Friday night. Yip, I was just so rock and roll.
Saturday passed perfectly. I had a lie in, then done my household chores, gone to the store knowing the guys were out of campus, so I had taken my time. I’d purchased a very large takeaway coffee, pastry and then sat on my small veranda with my new book.
Honestly, this was the life. Nothing to interfere, no worries, just me, coffee and a thrilling novel. I hoped to write books like this one day, I was relatively talented. My assignments in English had always gotten top marks and it had been my teacher that had suggested my degree should focus on creative writing. I had a penchant for gothic horror, but teen romance also floated my boat. The only danger was creating a storyline that had already been written. In my head my stories were great, but I needed the discipline to make them novels and fluid.
I watched a movie on Saturday night whilst eating homemade pizza. I hated fresh tomatoes and could just tolerate tomato sauce, so I made my own pizza and put the bare minimum sauce on the dough then smothered everything with mozzarella. I didn’t like toppings but sometimes I could be adventurous and put sliced peppers under the cheese. My pizza was top class if I do say so myself. My movie was rubbish. I’d been looking forward to it immensely and was really disappointed in how bad it had been.
Indian Summer Page 7
