by Katie Knight
Nodding, Preston winced when his sutures pulled. He’d no more than sat up than his CO walked into the tent, looking about as solemn as Preston had ever seen. Captain James Greene was more than just Preston’s commanding officer, he was also a friend. From the shadows under his eyes and the tightness at the corners of his eyes and mouth, he was taking Randy’s death as hard as the rest of the SEAL team, maybe more, since their CO tended to shoulder the blame when things went wrong, regardless of whether it was his fault or not.
“How are you feeling?” James asked him, back turned near the end of the bed while Preston struggled to stand. The room swayed slightly, and he hung onto the bed a moment to get his balance. His legs felt like they were filled with cement he was so exhausted. Or maybe that was just the grief weighing him down. “You look like hell, son.”
James always called Preston “son”, even though he wasn’t that much older than him at forty.
Preston snorted then regretted it immediately when a twinge of pain shoot through his torso from his wounds. “Can always count on you to make the day brighter, Cap.”
“For what it’s worth, I’m glad you’re going to be okay,” James said, his ever-present smile faltering, revealing a hint of the sadness beneath. “Wish I could say the same about Randy.”
“Me too.” Preston took a deep breath. “You tell his family yet?”
“No. Not yet. Have to follow protocol when a soldier dies in combat and there are steps that have to be taken first, investigations to be done.” James exhaled slow, his broad shoulders slumping beneath his flak jacket. “I hate that his wife has to sit home and worry, not knowing why she isn’t hearing from him, but there’s nothing to be done about it. This job isn’t well-suited to family life back home.”
That was a big old truth bomb right there, if Preston had ever heard one. That was part of the reason he’d not allowed himself to promise anything more to Lila than that he’d try to come home to her one day. His commitment issues aside, there was a real possibility he could end up just like poor Randy, leaving a war zone in pieces rather than as a whole, living man. In their brief time together, Lila had told him enough about her past for him to know she’d already lost more than enough in her life—her parents, her brother. He didn’t want to be one more name on that list. Nope. If nothing else, today’s mess on the battlefield had only reinforced for him that he’d done the right thing with Lila. She was better off forgetting him and moving on. Finding a guy who’d be there for her whenever and wherever she needed him, not one who was off risking his life in parts unknown on a secret mission.
Unknown to everyone except the enemy…
He cursed and swiped a shaky hand through his hair. “They knew we were coming, James. They were ready for us when we showed up. How the hell could they know?”
“I don’t know, son.” James did a quick check out the tent flap to make sure they were alone, then moved closer to where Preston was sitting. “And that’s not the only…situation…we have on our hands. I’m sorry to show you this, but…”
James handed him a memo with the United States seal in one corner and the Pentagon logo in the other. Preston scanned the words typed there, blinked a few times, then read them again. Maybe that IED had knocked something seriously loose inside his head because this memo made no sense.
“I don’t get it,” he said, finally, frowning up at his CO. “Is this some kind of a sick joke?”
“No joke,” James said, his expression somber.
Preston read the memo again. “But it says here that I’m dead. That I was killed in the explosion with Randy.”
“That’s correct.” James took a deep breath before continuing. “Look, son. I know you’ve been through a lot the past twenty-four hours and I’m sorry to add to that burden, but there’s a real opportunity here for you, if you’re willing to take it.”
“Opportunity?” he handed the memo back to his CO and shook his head. “Only opportunity I see is to get whoever typed up that memo to correct it.”
“You said yourself that the enemy had advanced warning of our arrival yesterday. Don’t you want to figure out how that happened?”
“Hell yeah, I do,” Preston said, pushing to his feet at last, grateful the room stayed put this time. “But I don’t see how some clerical error’s going to help with that.”
“Son, according to this paperwork, you’re dead. A ghost. Don’t you think it would be easier for a guy without an identity, without any ties to the outside world, to slip in and out of terror cells and figure out precisely what’s going on in there?”
Preston crossed his arms—carefully, to avoid pulling his stitches again—and stared down his CO. “Unless this is some action-movie gone wild, you need to break this down for me because right now it sounds like a whole bunch of crazy.”
James checked outside the tent flap again then gestured for Preston to stay put. “We need your help, son, to hunt down whoever betrayed your team and bring Randy’s killer to justice. This isn’t the first time sensitive information’s been leaked about our unit and it won’t be the last, unless you agree to help us. You’ve got the perfect cover now. You don’t exist, son. You can get inside the terrorist cells, become whoever you need to in order to bring the responsible parties down and stop this from ever happening to our team again. If you have the courage. If you agree.”
Cursing under his breath, Preston sank back down on the bed, the weak sunlight streaming in through the crack in the tent flap highlighting the swirling dust motes it the air. “I don’t know, man. If I do this, I have to give up everything. My identity, my past, my future.” Flashes of Lila returned to his mind again—her beautiful smile, her soft touch, her sweet floral scent. No. He shoved those aside. He’d let her go. He had no right to cling to her now. But if not her, then what else did he have left back home? Not much, that was true. What about his SEAL team now, though? What would happen to them if he turned down this assignment and left them in ongoing danger of another info leak? He stopped near one of the windows and gazed out at the base. “I’ve been on black ops before, but this is beyond deep cover.”
“True.” The sound of a chair creaking resounded through the quiet space as his CO stood and walked over to him. “I remember when you first joined the team. All gung-ho and ready to conquer the world for life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” James chuckled. “Like some kind of frigging superhero out of a comic book or something.”
“Yeah.” Preston sighed. Those days seemed a million miles away now. “Pretty stupid, huh?”
“No. Not stupid. A bit naive, maybe, but never stupid.” James leaned a shoulder against the cement wall and narrowed his gaze on Preston. “That’s the thing though, son. You do this, and you’d be making those dreams a reality. This is your chance to make a real difference, to avenge the death of your friend and team mate, and ensure no other family ever needs to suffer the same kind of heartbreak in the future. It’s a big sacrifice though. I get it. I do. And I hate to rush you, but this memo’s going to the top brass this afternoon.” James pushed away from the wall and held out the memo again. “Either we send it as is, or we make a redaction. Your choice.”
Shit. Just shit.
Wasn’t life always like that? One minute he was joking with his buddies as they reconned what should have been a deserted village and the next his ass was blown sky high by a homemade bomb probably planted by a school kid.
Part of him wanted to scream to the heavens and punch a wall over the injustice of it all. The other part of him knew busting his knuckles wouldn’t do anyone any good. Hadn’t stopped his parents from dying when he was a kid, wouldn’t bring Randy back now. Accepting this new assignment would mean turning his back on everything he’d known, including Lila and his SEAL team, for good. Walking away meant whoever had betrayed Randy and the rest of his team would walk free.
In the end, there was really no choice at all.
“If I do this, I need to know the rest of the guys on my team w
ill be safe,” Preston said, digging the toe of his combat boot into the wooden floor. Those guys were the only family he had left and he wanted to make sure they’d be okay.
“Done.” James said. “Do we have a deal, son?”
After a deep breath to steady his resolve, Preston nodded and shook his CO’s hand. “I’m in.”
Three
“Are you sure?” Lila said. “Maybe that thing’s wrong.”
“It’s not wrong, Miss Holden,” the nurse said, giving her a kind smile. “We’ve run the results twice. You’re pregnant. Congratulations.”
Time seemed to slow as Lila’s heart skipped a beat. She forced a smile but felt sick inside. A baby. Preston’s baby. Preston, who’d been gone for months now without a single word to her. Preston, who’d left town and left Lila behind with only a vague promise about seeing her again someday.
Oh God.
“Would you like some water, dear?” the nurse said, her tone concerned. “You’re looking a bit green around the gills. Maybe some saltine crackers. Those help with morning sickness too.”
Lila shook her head, not trusting her voice to speak. The nausea she felt had nothing to do with her pregnancy and everything to do with the fact she had no idea how she was going to deal with any of this. The lie emerged easier than she’d expected. “I’m fine, thanks. Just tired.”
“Sure.” The nurse patted her hand, then handed her a bag filled with all sorts of pamphlets, free samples, and a prescription for prenatal vitamins. “Okay then. Well, here are your new mother goodies and we’ll stop at the front desk and get you set up for your first visit with the OB. Any other questions for me right now?”
“No.” Lila followed the woman out into the hall, her mind racing. Her first though was to call Preston immediately and tell him about the baby. But she’d tried to get hold of him once already, weeks ago before she’d known about any of this. She’d just been missing him and had thought she’d surprise him with a phone call, if she could. He’d said he went off the grid on missions, but she’d taken that as a challenge. At least until she’d discovered the cell number Preston had given her was no longer in service. She’d ended up in robo-call hell, stuck in an endless cycle of press ones for this and say twos for that. In the end, she’d been connected to some operator at the Pentagon, of all places, who’d basically shut her down.
“But I just wanted to say hello,” she’d told the man on the other end of the line. “He’s my boyfriend.”
“Sorry, ma’am,” the guy had said, his tone polite but firm. “Unless you’re an immediate family member, I can’t give out any contact information. Have a nice day.”
The line had disconnected, and she’d sat there staring at the black screen of her cell phone for a long moment. She’d wanted to scream. She’d wanted to cry. She’d wanted to yell to the universe that Preston didn’t have any family, immediate or otherwise. He’d only had her. Or at least she’d wanted him to have her to rely on, to think about on those long lonely nights away in a foreign land.
Now though, she wasn’t just lonely. She was pregnant, with Preston’s baby. If that didn’t make her family, then Lila didn’t know what did. She finished checking out at the front desk, then walked out to the parking lot and climbed into her old beater of a Toyota and just sat behind the wheel, hand on her stomach, taking in the news for the first time.
“Hi, baby,” she said, her eyes stinging with unshed tears. “We’re going to get hold of your daddy. Don’t worry. I’ll find him, no matter what.”
She started the engine and cranked up the heat, then finished out her phone and pulled up the browser. It was two in the afternoon now and she didn’t have another shift waitressing until five. If she was quick, she could still stop at the local naval base and see if some in-person persuasion did the trick.
Twenty minutes later, she drove up to the gate at the visitor’s window at the gates of the Naval Amphibious Base in Coronado, pleading with the man in the booth to let her inside.
“I’m sorry, ma’am, but I don’t see your name on the roster,” the soldier said to her, in-between waving other people in and out of the base. “Are you a family member?”
“Sort of,” she said, not comfortable actually lying, especially with a huge poster staring her in the face that warned trespassers would face steep fines and possible jail time. She was ballsy, but she wasn’t crazy. She also wasn’t rich. She made decent tips at the restaurant, enough to support herself, but not enough for thousand-dollar-plus fines. Of course, she’d have a new mouth to feed soon too, and she’d cross that bridge when she came to it, but first, she needed to talk to Preston. “Listen, I just have something I need to tell him and it’s important. Please?”
“I’m sorry, lady,” the man in the booth said. “I can’t help you.”
Damn. Lila’s shoulders slumped and she pulled away, out of the line of people waiting to get in. Why did these things always happen to her? They’d been careful. Preston had always worn condoms. She’d been on the pill, too. Nothing was a hundred percent, but jeez. The sun beat down and heat prickled her skin. Her stomach cramped and she leaned against a nearby tree. Overwhelmed with frustration, anxiety, and exhaustion, the situation got the better of her and her eyes welled with tears.
Such an idiot. She knew better than to let people close, knew better than to believe that Preston would come back to her. He was probably off somewhere living the high life while she was stuck here in California—pregnant, alone.
“Excuse me, miss?” a gentle voice said. “Are you all right?”
Lila looked up to find an older man in a pastor’s outfit in front of her.
“I’m the chaplain here at the base and I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation at the gate.” He gestured toward a small chapel half a block down. “If you’d like to get out of this heat for a moment, perhaps sit and talk with me a bit?”
Feeling awkward and out of place, she nodded and followed him into a quiet dark room inside the chapel. A cool breeze wafted through, scented with wax from the candles burning near a small non-denominational altar near the front of the room. She took a seat on a pew a few spaces down from the chaplain and tucked her hair behind her ear. “Thank you.”
“Of course. That’s what I’m here for. To offer comfort and solace where it’s needed.” He smiled at her, his gray eyes kind behind his glasses. “You look quite upset, Miss…?”
“Holden. Lila Holden. And yeah. It’s been a day.” Lila took several deep breaths and rolled her tense shoulders. “I got some news this morning that was unexpected and well…” She wasn’t sure why she was telling this guy her problems. She’d never been particularly religious, and she didn’t know him from Adam, but maybe that’s why it felt safer to talk with him. And, like he said, it was his job. “I found out I’m pregnant.”
“Oh, congratulations.” The chaplain’s smile slowly fell when she didn’t respond. “This isn’t good news?”
“Yes. No. I don’t know.” She hung her head and sighed. “That’s why I was trying to get onto the base. To get information about where the father is and to get a message to him about this.” She gestured toward her still flat stomach. “But we’re not married, so they won’t tell me anything.”
Lila glanced up at the chaplain through her lashes, embarrassment prickling her skin. “I know how you guys feel about pregnancy before marriage, but we loved each other. At least I loved him. He never said it back, but I know Preston cared. He was just gun-shy, you know? Because of his past and all. He would’ve said it eventually, but then his break ended and he got sent to God knows where on another SEAL mission. He told me not to try to contact him, but this is pretty important and I think he should know and…” Her breath hitched and she stopped herself before she started crying again. “It’s just an awful mess.”
The chaplain sat back in the pew and remained silent for several moments before saying, “I don’t usually offer to do this, and I can’t guarantee anything, but perhaps if you g
ive me his name, I can call the records office now and see what I can find out.”
“Would you?” For the first time since she’d approached the sour looking soldier at the gate, her spirits rallied. “That would be great. His name’s Preston. Preston Lawson.”
“Be right back,” the chaplain said, pushing to his feet and walking through a doorway across the room.
Doing her best not to fidget and failing, Lila studied the small chapel while she picked at her nails. The place was clean, if a bit drab for her tastes. She liked bright, sunny, active places. Basically, the opposite of here. She could hear the low murmur of the chaplain’s voice as it drifted out of his office, but couldn’t make out his words. The longer the call went on, the more nervous she got. Was he getting the run around too, or had he actually gotten through to someone who would help?
What would Preston say when he found out? Would he be happy? Sad? Mad?
They’d never really talked about kids during their brief time together. She’d always wanted some at some point, once she’d gotten settled in life, had a good job and plenty of savings. Right now she had neither, but somehow she’d make this work. Even if she had to work three waitressing jobs, she’d do it. Or maybe Preston would come home after this mission and marry her and they could be a real family. Maybe…
“Miss Holden?” The chaplain’s quiet voice broke through her racing thoughts. He stood in the doorway to his office, one hand gripping the door frame, his expression oddly stoic. “Perhaps you should come into the office a moment.”
A cold shiver ran up her spine at his serious tone. “I’m fine here. What did you find out?”
The older man returned to the pew and sat down opposite her once more, his gray eyes sad now. “I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, Miss Holden, but the only Preston Lawson listed in the naval ranks was killed in action a month ago in Aleppo, Syria.”
Low buzzing started in her ears and grew loud enough to drown out everything else. The chaplain’s mouth was still moving, but Lila couldn’t hear what he was saying. She blinked at him, her mind awash with images of Preston—laughing with him, walking with him, making love to him all summer.
