by Bawdy Bloke
Teri shook her head and crossed her arms. “Flaming disgusting,” she thundered and looked over at Adam. “And I s'pose you were involved as well.”
“Red or white?” Adam asked, changing the subject and holding out two bottles of wine.
Natalie, stirring the dinner, looked around to see Teri. “Yes he was, but he has been dealt with.”
“Yes, thank you,” Adam cried. “I am not a child.” He put the wine on the table, took the rice, stirred it before putting it in the sieve over the sink, allowing the cloudy water to drain out of the food. Natalie passed him a kettle of freshly boiled water and he poured it over the rice, washing it liberally.
“Are you going to be OK?” Adam asked Tabitha. “With …” He trailed off and pointed at his chest with random hand movements and the young mother screwed up her face, looking at Natalie. “Well … you know.” He waited and when he didn't get a response. “Your tits.”
Sarah sighed. “Do you mean, as her titties are full of milk will they fall in the dinner?”
Tabitha groaned. “They are big,” she told him and held them up.
“She doesn't just fail the pencil test, she fails the remote control test,” Sarah added and took a banana from the fruit bowl and put it under one of Tabitha’s breasts.
Adam creased into hysterical laughter and shook his head. “I was thinking of the spices and the milk and baby Lara.”
“She'll be fine,” Tabitha replied, extracting the fruit from her breasts and passing it to her lover who couldn't get it to fit under her pert bosom and put it to one side.
The rice was joined on the candle heaters in the centre of the table by a Lamb Rogan Josh, a Chicken Tikka and a Vegetable Vindaloo – all placed in the metal bowls and put on top of the tea candles sitting on the heater. Adam pointed out the vegetarian dish as Natalie brought over a number of sauces, popadoms, bhajiis and naan breads, as all the diners started dishing up their meal onto the mismatched plates laid out on the dining table.
“Wow,” Teri muttered. “There's a lot of food here. You do all this?”
Natalie smiled. “Adam and me did. He got an Indian cookery set for Christmas,” she said looking at her house mates. “The burners, bowls, some of the sauces.”
“It was to make Natalie and Adam spend time with each other,” Sarah injected. “I think it worked.”
Natalie grinned. “It did,” Adam told them. “And I am very grateful.” Natalie pursed her lips and blew him a kiss.
“So you were all house mates?” Teri asked and Tabitha nodded.
“But Adam's left and Nat'll be leaving soon.”
Natalie looked up. “Will I?”
Sarah nodded. “Oh you spend two nights a week here, by the Summer you'll be spending every night here and then you'll move out.”
Natalie hummed. “That's really ...” She stopped and looked at the her house mate. “I only spend Fridays and Saturdays here. And if we go for a drink after work. Treating my boyfriend's house as a crash pad is a long way from moving in with him.”
Sarah sighed. “Sorry, it's just … well we can see it.” She rubbed the back of Tabitha's hand and smiled. “We both can, and we're happy for you.”
There was silence as Natalie looked at Sarah, rubbing the bridge of her nose. Adam exhaled and looked at the two lesbian partners. “How's the wedding planning?” Adam enquired, deliberately changing the subject, as he shovelled some curry into his mouth.
“Good,” Sarah said instantly and squeezed Tabitha's hands. “Really good. But there is so much going on. We sent invites out yesterday and that was fun, as I hadn't told the religious wing of our family about Tabitha.”
“That's bad if they are going to cause problems,” Teri uttered and Sarah nodded talking a mouthful of the vegetarian food.
“Yeah ...” Sarah started and then stopped, panting. “Fuckin' hell,” she shrieked and downed her full wine glass, breathing out dramatically. “What the fuck's in that?”
Natalie gasped. “Oh shit. Yeah, ummm … it's sort of a vindaloo. I forgot you don't like spicy food.” Sarah panted, leapt up and grabbed a glass, filling it with water and leaning over the sink, panting wildly.
Neither Adam nor James could resist looking as the young teacher downed the pint of water, her body bent over and her rear on display to the room. “Hey love, nice arse,” James called and then cried out in pain.
* * * * *
“Mr Fox,” the nurse said gently, shaking him by the arm. Carl groaned and opened his eyes, squinting in the bright light. “I'll turn the lights down,” she told him and reached over to the switch to reduce the brightness. Carl sighed and rubbed his eyes. “Where am I?”
The nurse smiled. “You were attacked, at a rally. You were stabbed.”
Carl blinked and sniffed. “Richard. Yeah, the bastard.”
The nurse continued to watch as Carl righted himself and sat back on the head board. She passed him a remote control to amend the angle of the bed and he thanked her, opening his eyes.
She moved the table up the bed and placed a dinner tray on it, looking at him. “Do you need any help?”
Carl groaned and screwed up his face as he adjusted himself and the nurse held out her hands to support him. “Do you need me to tell anyone you are here?”
Carl sniffed and slowly allowed his eyes to come into focus. “No,” he muttered. “There's no-one.”
She pursed her lips together. “Really? I don't believe that.” She paused for a moment and gave a wry smile. “You've just come out of theatre,” she told him. “You were very lucky.”
“I got stabbed,” Carl groaned. “That ain't lucky.”
“It missed most of the important bits of you,” she said and started filling in a chart.
Carl allowed his eyes to focus on the nurse and squinted. “Zenka?”
The nurse smiled “Ss-denka,” she told him glancing at her name badge and signed the bottom of the page. “I'm from Prague.”
Carl shifted uncomfortably and she looked at him. “But you know I was on ...” he said hoarsely and she nodded.
“Yeah, I know. But it doesn't matter. I am paid to treat everyone,” she told him firmly. “Even if they no likey me.”
Carl took a deep breath and cried out as he did, clutching his front. “I ain't part of them no more,” he muttered painfully and the nurse smiled. “It ain't for me.”
She smiled. “Doctor Marquez, he operated on you, he coming to see yaar soon.” She left the pause hanging in the air. “He save yaar life.” Carl's thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door and the nurse opened it gesturing a Policeman into the room.
“Mr Fox,” a Policeman in uniform asked. “Is it OK to take a statement?”
* * * * *
“Hi Dad,” Adam called and looked around the empty garage. “Dad!”
Stuart appeared from the office, adjusting his overalls and looked at his son. “Oh hiya Adam, what's up?”
Adam pulled out a present from his bag and passed it over to his father. “Happy birthday,” he called out and Stuart grinned.
“Ahh cheers, ya didn't have to. Where are you off to? Dressed up like that.”
Adam nodded towards the car where Natalie was waiting. “Wedding, we got a wedding to go to. Old house mates.”
“Oh right. That's where Ivy is today?” Adam nodded and saw movement in the office. “Who's ya new lass in the office?”
“Ahh, yeah, she's wonderful,” Stuart enthused. “Super organised, and was 'elping me under a motor the other week.” Adam looked around his father and gasped.
“Bella,” he cried, and the buxom girl blushed.
“Adam, what are you doing here?”
“You two know each other?” Stuart enquired and Adam nodded.
“We had a date,” he told him. “Just one.”
Bella bit her lip and shrugged. “I got nervous, drank loads, split my dress in the restaurant and threw up over him. I was a bit of a gobby cow.”
Adam nodded as Stuart l
aughed heartily. “Look Dad, Bella. I gotta shoot. Happy sixtieth,” he called out.
“Fuck off,” came the response and Adam sat back in the passenger seat.
* * * * *
“Will you straighten your tie?” Natalie asked exasperated and tugged at Adam's shirt collar. “You look like a piggin' teenager.”
“Will you stop nagging?” Adam told her and slid his hands down his curvy partner's silk-clad flanks. “It's not about me, it's about the brides and the bridesmaids, and so on.”
Natalie shook her head and tottered over to see Sarah descending down the majestic staircases of the country manor house. “You look lovely,” Natalie cooed and called Adam over. “Sorry we are a bit late, we had to drop something off in town.”
“She means she can't read a map,” Adam told her. “She was nearly pushing her car out of the mud in her red silk dress.” Sarah gave a nervous laugh and looked her two bickering friends.
“Dropping the present off took twenty minutes.”
“Five.”
“Twenty.”
“Five,” Adam repeated with a raised voice. “And getting lost added an hour to a journey.”
“An hour? Fuck off. Ten minutes more like.”
Sarah crossed her arms, her elegant, understated white dress shimmering in the light. “Finished? 'Cause you are an hour early.”
Natalie nodded and looked up to see her landlord traversing the stairs behind Sarah. She fished in her handbag and pulled out a tatty envelope. “Rent money,” she cried and held it out to George Dayton.
The balding man grinned. “Cheers Natalie.” He turned to Sarah and kissed her on the cheek. “Guests aren't 'riving for another hour, I'm just going for a walk, get some fresh air.”
Sarah waited for him to leave and grinned at Natalie. “Giving his daughter away in a lesbian ceremony isn't doin' it for him,” she said honestly and squinted as he walked out into the spring sunshine.
“So which one of you has the best man?” Adam asked Sarah who crossed her arms and scowled, shaking her head.
“I'm sorry,” Natalie muttered. “He's still a tit.”
“No, but there has to be a best man in a marriage ceremony.”
“It's civil partnership,” Sarah told him quickly. “But I have the best man, it's my brother Liam.”
Adam shrugged and looked at his girlfriend smoothing out her red dress. “And you are Tab's bridesmaid or Sarah's?”
Sarah touched Adam on the arm. “Is this whole gay marriage thing a bit confusing for you?”
“Yes. Why aren't you both wearing big long wedding dresses. Like that Kate-whatnot off the telly.”
“Kate whatnot?” Sarah asked and Natalie rolled her eyes.
“Kate Middleton?”
“Yeah, her.”
“Because it would look silly. So we both have very understated wedding dresses that match the red theme of the wedding.” Adam looked at her body hugging white dress with the red trim and giggled.
“There was me thinking you were going to have a nude wedding.”
Sarah looked at Natalie. “We sort of thought of it,” she said sheepishly. “But Dad said no and Mum just broke down. And I'd have to explain to the religious end of the family.”
“Yeah, where are they?” Adam asked. “I wanted to keep my distance after …”
“After you flashed them? They rang me up to say I was committing sin lying with another girl and they were not going to watch me enter the kingdom of Satan.”
“Oh,” Adam murmured and she shrugged.
“I don't care. Fuckin' nutjobs anyway. Dad's a bit cut up about it though. And I got a bit pissed couple of nights ago and sent them an e-mail which mightn't have helped relations.”
Adam laughed and looked around the room. “Very nice place.”
Sarah pursed her lips and nodded. “Hey Nat, have you got time for a chat?”
Natalie sniffed and looked at Adam. “Alone?”
Sarah screwed up her face apologetically and rubbed her hands. “Please.”
Natalie leant in to kiss Adam on the cheek. “It means piss off,” she told him and watched Adam walk into the garden.
Adam took a walk around the grounds, not meeting Sarah's father and ended up sitting on the low wall and looking out over the meadow. It gave him time to think as he watched a bird of prey on the wing, idly circling the fields searching for it's dinner. Adam pondered the previous six months: it had certainly been a roller-coaster. He had lost a friend in Carl but gained two with his temporary house mates and had ensnared the lovely Natalie as well.
Natalie was not an “easy” girlfriend, and while she was not high maintenance with regards to monetary spend, she could be demanding with his time and his energy. Most of all, Natalie made him smile, and once they had worked out their problems at work, it all became much easier.
In essence, Adam was truly happy for the first time in years. He heard his name and saw Natalie standing at the foot of the path. “There you are,” she called. “Come on.”
“Sarah OK?”
Natalie smiled and walked up to him, shaking her brunette hair out of her face. “Yeah, she's just a bit nervous,” Natalie muttered. “It's a big step.”
Adam jumped down from the wall and smoothed out his trousers. “Ready?”
“Yeah, let's get in the hall. Peeps will be arriving soon.” Adam held out his hand and Natalie took it, beaming into the eyes of her boyfriend as they navigated their way back to the main house.
“It's a bit posh,” Adam whispered as they filed into the giant hall and took their seats at the front. “I feel like I should be a servant not a guest.”
Natalie suppressed a laugh and squeezed his hand. “Should be posh,” she muttered back. “Sarah's dad has coughed for the lot.”
“Christ,” Adam whispered back. “Must be settin' him back a bit.”
“Yeah, and ya know the house I live in, well he is giving it to Sarah and Tab as a wedding gift.”
“Oh, do you want to move in with me then.”
Natalie screwed her face up. “No. I'll just pay rent to Sarah not George but Sarah doesn't know about it, so don't tell her. It's for when they have any more kids, it's a nice family home. Four bedrooms, nice area.”
“But you could move in.”
Natalie looked at him and smiled. “I sort of have, haven't I? I mean I spend three nights a week at least. But I like my own space.”
“Oh,” Adam muttered. “It's just …”
“You want me to?” Natalie asked, finishing the sentence for him.
“Well, yes,” Adam told her.
“Well I like my own space. When the rental agreement comes 'round in three months I might think about it.”
“It would be ...”
“Ssshhhh,” Natalie hissed and they stood up as Sarah and Tabitha both walked down the aisle, being led in by a big black woman and Sarah's father.
“Who's she?” Adam whispered.
“Her ma, who do you think?”
Adam didn't get a chance to respond as the registrar, a middle-aged man, coughed and started speaking. He called on the Best Man to provide the rings, and Liam, sat next to Natalie got up.
It was an informal ceremony, but still intimate and loving, and Sarah tripped over her lines on more than one occasion through nervousness. Natalie kept dabbing her eyes and squeezing the hand of Adam as the ceremony unfolded.
The two lovers had to put their bouquets down when they were told they could kiss, the two girls hugging and then embracing in front of their families. “They're a bit full-on,” Adam whispered.
“They're in love,” Natalie whispered back. “It means everything to them.”
Adam pursed his lips and the couple disappeared behind a curtain to sign a registrar before posing for photographs. The next twenty minutes was taken up with every combination of photographs – the Kwame family, the Dayton family, the house mates, Sarah with the teachers, the wedding party and just the two of them. Adam was glad h
e wasn't in many of them and just stayed at the back talking to Liam and one of Sarah's colleagues, who thought very highly of the newly-married teacher.
“Flowers!” Sarah cried as the photographer packed away his camera and she grabbed Tabitha. “Come on. Girls behind us.” She sighed. “No, not you Mum. Unless you want to get married again.”
“Not at these prices,” the voice of her husband called from the crowd.
Sarah looked behind her and then at her partner. “You first,” she said holding onto her posy of red roses and Tab looked back.
“Both together.”
They giggled, held out the flowers in front of them and threw them up into the air, arcing back towards the dozen guests.
Natalie shrieked, Sarah's bundle of flowers was clearing everyone and was coming down towards her at the back. She stepped back and as the women in front of her jumped, they just brushed the flowers and it landed in her hands. She turned to Adam, holding it aloft, grinning. “Well come on then, propose,” she told him.
“Would you say yes?”
“Would I fuck,” Natalie said instantly and laughed. “But I am next to get married.”
Liam patted Adam on the back. “Your days of freedom are over, buddy,” he teased and Natalie laughed; emerging from the scrum of women attempting to catch Tabitha's bouquet was Olivia, holding it aloft proudly.
“Unlucky,” Adam replied and Olivia's eyes narrowed.
“Liam. I would say yes,” she told him and pursed her lips. “Whenever you're ready.”
Adam looked at Natalie staring at him. “Why are Lancashire girls so crazy?”
Additional Story: Lucy gets a shock
Codes: MF, nudism
(If you don't know why this is here then you didn't read the Note from the Author at the front of the book; you naughty boy/girl! Basically, this is the short story that sparked the idea for the book)
Lucy skipped as she walked down the tree-lined avenue towards her boyfriend’s small house and had to check her directions; she had only been there once before and it had been dark then. Since that time Jack had expressly forbidden her from going back, saying that he lived in a dangerous part of the town and that she would be at risk if she visited.
Lucy didn’t feel in any danger. The road was well lit and although the Sun had long since disappeared below the horizon, being replaced with a fearsome wind in the night sky, there were enough cars and people about to make her feel safe. She had thought of ringing him and asking him to meet her at the bus stop but that would have spoilt the surprise – it was his birthday in three days and although their relationship was new, she wanted to treat him. She wanted him to not expect her and then offer him a present, and a night of lustful satisfaction.
