Tosh nodded and Katie introduced him to various guests, all amused that he had been invited to the party. They were interesting people and conversations flowed as easily as the beer. Interest in the case was still big and he had to continually repeat himself that he couldn’t answer any questions while there was still an ongoing investigation. Come eleven o’clock he realised he was in no fit state to drive.
As the guests gradually left Serafini appeared. ‘You’re staying in the guest bedroom.’
‘Thanks,’ Tosh smiled. ‘I brought an overnight bag as a precaution.’
‘You’re in no fit state to drive and I’m in no state to hold a decent conversation so we’ll talk over breakfast.’
The bed was comfortable and that combined with the alcohol meant he slept till after eight, took a leisurely shower and, after hearing some movement downstairs, decided it was ok to make an appearance.
‘Bill,’ Serafini greeted him from the kitchen. ‘Croissants and coffee ok?’
‘Sounds great.’
‘Grab these two mugs and that coffee pot and we’ll eat in the porch where we won’t be disturbed.’
‘Right, so let’s continue our conversation from last night.’ Serafini said with a smile once they were seated. ‘The one where I asked you why you had decided to put yourself in an awkward position by coming to my party?’
‘John, you went with me to see Ellie’s parents and you were very gracious with them. You helped them with their pain and made it easier for me, since I was the main reason the investigation went wrong and put them through the unnecessary pain of believing their daughter had been murdered.’
‘And if you hadn’t believed in me you wouldn’t have continued the investigation. You had a prime suspect - me. I’d been with her that night and didn’t come forward when it was all over the news or when the appeal went out. I was stupid. Even my advocate was struggling to come up with something to stop the jury sending me to prison. The case was done and dusted. It’s me who owes you and that’s why we’re sitting here now.’
‘I’m sorry I’m not really following this.’
‘You want to talk to me about your new relationship with Shona,’ Serafini smiled. ‘And how your previous relationship is complicating things. You gave away a bit in the car when we drove to see Ellie’s parents, and remember, I’m a counsellor who notices things.’
---oOo---
Joe Flint took a gamble and went unannounced to Gloucester to see Ellie’s parents. It was only sixty odd miles from Cardiff so worth the risk of them not being at home and he would wait there all day if necessary. He’d decided just to turn up at their door. It was easier that way. He had spoken to them both briefly at the funeral saying he had climbed with Ellie.
The media circus involving her death was now slowly subsiding, but Flint was in no doubt that the Saunders would have been inundated by interview requests. And now he had yet more potentially life changing news for them.
Her mother opened the door. ‘Yes,’ she said sharply. ‘What do you want? I’m not giving interviews.’
‘Mrs Saunders, I’m Joe Flint. I was a good friend of Ellie.’
‘Yes, I remember you now from the funeral. Thank you so much for coming. We wanted to get into contact with you. There’s so much we need to talk about.’
She beckoned him inside while shouting for her husband. Joe meanwhile was trying to work out the significance of her last statement. Did she know about Richie?
Alan Saunders came running down the stairs offering his hand to. ‘Joe, we wanted so much to get in touch with you. How are you?’
‘Yeah, I’m good.’
‘We know about Ellie’s pregnancy.’
‘You do?’
‘Sorry, but we’re forgetting our manners,’ Veronica Saunders sighed. ‘Please Joe, sit down.’
Flint’s head whirled in confusion. They knew Ellie had been pregnant but how much more did they know and what was he going to tell them?’
‘We found letters,’ Alan Saunders informed him.
‘She didn’t think we would find them.’
‘Letters?’
‘Hidden under the floorboards.’
‘Floorboards!’
‘Ellie had written them years ago and…’
‘Mr and Mrs Saunders,’ Flint almost shouted in frustration. ‘Please I don’t know anything about these letters. I don’t know how you know about Ellie’s pregnancy. I don’t want to say the wrong thing. Can we start from the beginning?’
‘Joe, I’m sorry. Let me make us some coffee and we can start the conversation again.’
Flint nodded gratefully. ‘I’d appreciate a coffee.’
When both disappeared into the kitchen Flint looked round the large living room. The walls were covered by paintings, drawings and plaster casts of different heads sat on various ledges. He recognised Ellie’s face amongst them and assumed her mother had done it several years ago. There were also black and white photographs of people on hills and mountains that covered one wall almost completely. He rose and went over and examined one, recognising the outline of Mont Blanc and assumed one of the figures attached to a rope was Ellie.
‘It was taken many years ago,’ Alan Saunders informed him before putting a tray of cups and scones on the table. ‘Mont Blanc, we were climbing in separate groups of six or seven and took several photos.’
‘I recognise the route.’
‘You climbed a lot with our daughter?’
‘We did some really tough routes all over the world. She was fearless but never reckless. A great climber.’
‘Yes, she was,’ he acknowledged sadly.
Veronica Saunders appeared behind her husband with a large pot of coffee.
‘Thanks again for coming Joe.’
Flint sat down and accepted a cup of coffee, Veronica insisting on him having a scone.
‘Right,’ Flint smiled. ‘Let’s start again.’
‘According to the letters we found you fathered a child with Ellie although you didn’t know about it until much later.’
‘That’s correct. She asked me to meet her in Edinburgh and said it was important. I said I would come but there was a crisis at work, and I told her I couldn’t make it. She was so angry and wouldn’t tell me what it was all about. If I’d known she was going for a scan of our unborn son of course I would have gone to meet her.’
‘She played these games Joe,’ Veronica nodded. ‘How different things would be if she had just told you about the baby.’
‘I can’t believe no one noticed she was pregnant.’
‘She was good at hiding things from the world. She suddenly announced she was going to New Zealand and didn’t even come over to Gloucester to see us before leaving.’
‘And when she came back it was as if nothing had happened.’
‘Now there’s our grandchild: a connection to Ellie, to us, someone who lives thousands of miles away who we will probably never see.’
Flint said nothing. Things had progressed to such a level that he was unsure what to do. Was Richie to be told his biological mother had killed herself in a snow-hole? The boy had also been left a considerable sum of money in Ellie’s will. Now there was the further complication of grandparents. How much information could the boy cope with? And by going to New Zealand, what demons had he, Joe Flint, unleashed on his son, the boy called Richie Carter?
What was he to tell Veronica and Alan Saunders?
‘I will do everything I can to help you meet your grandchild. It will take time. I know where the family lives, but under New Zealand laws I cannot make contact.’
‘Can you maybe give us a name?’
‘It’s Richie,’ he said softly.
Chapter 53
They went to see Shona’s mother on the Friday after Hunter had appeared in court charged with wasting poli
ce time. He had pled guilty and sentencing was set for next month with the Sherriff granting bail. The two thugs who had been involved in the robbery at Inverness had, much to his relief, also pled guilty. There were hair and a DNA match from the helmets found beside the abandoned motorbike. Tosh was confident they would get at least 15 years inside.
‘Your mum’s a lovely lady,’ Tosh said once they were back in Shona’s flat in Fort William. ‘I can see where you get your charm from.’
‘I could tell she liked you,’ Shona smiled while opening the wine. ‘Then what’s not to like?’
He had said these words about himself in jest to Alison once. It hadn’t gone down well.
Shona leant forward and kissed him before going round and sitting on the opposite side of the table. ‘You’re in a thoughtful mood so let’s talk.’
‘I had a long counselling session with John Serafini after his party.’
She nodded, pouring out two generous glasses of red wine having previously set out a selection of cheese and crackers. Neither of them was working the following day.
‘I thought he was a psychosexual counsellor?’ she smiled mischievously. ‘I wasn’t aware of any problems in that department.’
‘Yes, he is,’ Tosh laughed. ‘And there are no complaints from me as far as that’s concerned. He’s also done couples counselling and he’s good at it.’
‘You were talking about us?’
‘About me mainly since I’m the one with the baggage from the past.’
‘Do you want to talk about it now?’
‘I do but I’m not sure if I made any progress?’
‘If we’re talking about it together then that’s progress.’
Tosh cut himself a large slice of cheese while searching for the right opening.
‘I think I tried too hard with Alison.’
Shona nodded silently, waiting for him to continue.
‘I’ve never sent you flowers or bought you gifts or…’
‘But you’ve spent all the time that you could with me. When a case dragged on and you had to work late you phoned to tell me you couldn’t manage, and we made other arrangements.’
‘That’s the minimum anyone would do.’
‘No it’s not. It’s called being considerate of the other person. That’s worth more than a bunch of flowers.’
‘Thank you.’
‘Tell me what you said to him about Alison?’ Shona said gently. ‘I have no complaints about our relationship so far.’
‘I made all the running with Alison.’
‘Well we run together Bill.’
‘I spent so much of our relationship together worrying that she loved me?’
Shona sipped her wine and looked at Tosh. ‘And are you still worrying about whether she loves you?’
‘I don’t really think about her that much.’
‘Then what are you worried about?’
‘Things.’
‘Right well that’s the definitive answer to my question.’
He laughed and shook his head. The conversations with Serafini had been intense. The man was good, probing away under his defences. He had asked briefly about Tosh’s childhood before telling him there wasn’t really the time to explore that and moved on to Alison. It was always questions followed by more questions. Do you feel this, or did you feel that? He dissected his history with Alison bit by bit leaving Tosh emotionally exhausted. Then he suddenly switched to his relationship with Shona. More questions: did he feel he loved her, did he feel he might love her, did he feel she might love him? Was he scared of losing her? Was he just scared of loving someone again or getting close? God, how were you supposed to answer that?
When he drove back to Fort William, he realised it had helped him. He was tired but felt calmer. They had parted as friends and Tosh was grateful for Serafini’s time. They wished each other well and Serafini asked for an invite if he and Shona got married. Tosh said yes.
‘Are you scared of getting hurt again?’ Shona’s words cut across his thoughts.
‘I don’t really know. Maybe I’m scared of hurting you.’
‘I’m a big girl. I’ll take my chances.’
‘Then I’ll take my chances too.’
Tosh picked up his glass and sat back in the chair. They were facing each other, Shona on the couch opposite. It was easier to talk that way but what he wanted was to go over and put his arms around her.
‘Bill, it’s still early days.’
‘That’s what Serafini said too. Give it time.’
‘Let’s just see what happens.’
‘Can I confess something?’
‘I got freaked out when you phoned and said you missed me.’
‘Freaked out?’
‘It was weird. I felt this confusion of happiness and panic.’
‘I just wanted to tell you I missed you,’ Shona laughed. ‘I didn’t realise it was going to destabilise your psyche!’
‘I just thought, oh God she misses me. It was a shock. It was something Alison never said.’
‘You didn’t feel trapped?’
‘I just felt weird?’
‘Well none of my boyfriends have ever said I made them feel weird so that’s a first for you,’ she giggled.
‘Are you taking this seriously,’ he laughed.
‘So you didn’t miss me?’ She regretted the statement immediately. ‘Sorry I’m leading the witness.’
‘I miss you. You’re the best thing in my life right now.’
‘So where do we go from here?’
Tosh stood up leapt across the table, landing beside Shona and making her jump in surprise.
‘Bed sounds like the best idea.’
---oOo---
He took his coffee outside and sat down at a seat by the window. He had kept the last letter there hidden in the rafters. The police had made a cursory search to look for evidence of any sort, but they had no chance of finding it without almost dismantling the wooden building and they had better things to do with their time. It was the letter he had found addressed to him in the snow-hole. The others he had destroyed when he got home that day. After the court hearing and being granted bail he wanted to read it for the last time.
Dear Euan
When you read this letter, I will be dead. I know this will cause you a great deal of pain but rest assured that it is nothing to the pain I have carried almost since puberty. I feel I have fought mental illness, sadness and despair all my life. I battled hard, refusing the chemicals that only fuck up your head. I became a vegan to stop my body being poisoned by meat farmed in brutal conditions. And I think I have fought it well and tried hard not to let it completely dominate my life. I started a business that thrived and is giving employment, security and satisfaction to many people. I took people on long climbs and treks and maybe inspired them to be brave. I helped the homeless and the poor. I gave to charity and helped out in foodbanks. Now, on my own terms, it is time to say, ‘Goodbye to all that or farewell cruel world’. I have chosen to end my life using my father’s ice axe and the springs from a device that was used to abuse me. I hope they will be impressed with the ingenuity shown in designing and assembling the device, and its significance. Both let me down and should suffer the consequences. If it is of any comfort to you, I know that without you I would have ended my life sooner.
Try to not feel too sad. We had some fabulous times together on the hills: hanging from rocks, traversing great slabs of ice and snow and of course our adventures in the bed! You were without doubt my most accomplished lover. You are a good man and enriched my life in so many ways. But you wanted more than I could give. I tried, but we would never have worked as a couple. Often, we worked better from a distance or thrived after long periods of absence. The only person I loved could not be my partner. Such is life.
Euan, I ha
ve entrusted you with my will. It is the only copy so please will you take care of it? I have nominated you as my sole executor as I know you will carry out this duty to the letter. I have left you some of my climbing gear and photographs of our climbs together. I would also like for you to have my car since we made love there so many times! There is also the sum of up to £10,000 for any expenses you might have in discharging the will. It is so important to me that Eamon does not receive a penny.
There are various small donations to people and charities, but you will see that I have left the bulk of my fortune to my son in New Zealand. It will no doubt come as a surprise to you that I have a child. It is a long story and unfortunately my mental state at the time made me think I would not be able to raise him and that he would have a better life being adopted in New Zealand. That has become the biggest regret of my life and one of the reasons you see my lifeless body in front of you. His name is Richie, but I will leave it to you to see if you can track him down. I think you fill find that Joe Flint will be happy to help you in the search and I have enclosed a copy of my pregnancy scan that he will realise is significant! Please, please do this for me Euan.
Thank you for loving me and caring for me.
Ellie
He took the letters into the house. There was a small wood-burning stove he’d had installed last year. Opening the fire door he fed the letters one by one into the stove watching them burn. He had a plastic wallet full of photographs of the two of them on the mountains or skiing together. It took over fifteen minutes to burn them all.
He’d made a photocopy of the will and given it to Joe Flint. The original he had handed over to the police. Despite her dying wishes he would not act as executor. Her solicitor could do that. Later he would visit her parents in Gloucester and tell them why he did what he did.
His mobile buzzed and he read the text and smiled. It was from Eilidh. She was on the train to Glasgow and they were meeting up for lunch. It mentioned a boy on whom she was keen. He wondered whether, like her dad, she would get her heart broken? Whatever happened he would be there for her. From now on she would be the sole focus of his life.
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