by Monica James
“Bye, Babydoll.”
A gasp leaves her when I use that name, but she’ll always be Babydoll to me. She quickly exits while I force myself not to follow. That won’t achieve a thing.
I don’t know how long I stand staring at the open doorway, processing what she just shared. Time doesn’t seem to make a difference because my feelings for her haven’t changed. I still want her with my last breath.
But she’s moved on, and I need to accept that. Telling her the truth will amount to nothing. This is for the best.
So why do I feel like killing someone, preferably Babydoll’s fiancé?
Unable to deal with this right now, I decide to clean the place up a bit as I need to keep busy. It’s going to take months to get everything back to how it once was, but with nothing but time on my hands, I may as well start now.
Lost in my head, a dangerous place to be, I don’t realize I’ve got company. Thankfully, it’s only Cian, but I need to focus because I can’t make that mistake again.
“Need help?” he says, holding up a bottle of whiskey in one hand and a broom in the other.
“Thanks.”
But he instantly senses my bad mood.
“What’s happened?”
“Nothin’,” I reply, snatching the bottle from his grip. When I unscrew the lid and throw back a large mouthful, Cian arches a brow.
“Don’t give me that shite.”
“Ack, leave it alone, will ye,” I snap, turning my back on him.
But Cian won’t. “Stop this! I understand yer needin’ time, but don’t shut me out. Do ye know what we all went through? We were locked up with ya!”
“I doubt that.” I snicker, spinning around to face him. “I was the one behind bars. Don’t compare us because there is no fucking comparison!”
“We all tried everythin’ to help ya, but ya didn’t want us to. I felt fuckin’ helpless!” he argues, unable to stop his emotions. “Do ya know how that made me feel? I’ve been livin’ with this guilt for ten fuckin’ years! I would have traded my freedom for yours. In a heartbeat. But ye just left us…ya fuckin’ broke me.”
“I had no choice,” I say between clenched teeth.
“Bullshit! Ya could have seen me or written me back. But ya chose not to!”
“I never chose anythin’!” I scream, arms out wide. “Brody Doyle made me promise not to make contact with all youse! If I did, he’d kill the lot of ya, includin’ the twins. I needed to be gone, forgotten, to keep ya safe! Ya think I wanted to be alone, rotting in that cell? I would have given anythin’ to see ya. See all of youse!
“But I couldn’t. I was tryin’ to keep youse safe. I was tryin’ to do the right thing for once! Besides, with me gone, youse had a chance to live a better life. A life ye chose, not forced onto ya!”
Cian stands before me, his mouth agape. I never wanted to tell him this, but I can’t go on with him thinking I did this because I wanted to.
“He wanted Belfast as his own, and he couldn’t do that with me in the background. I had to be forgotten.”
“How could we forget someone like you, Punky?” Cian says, shaking his head. “I fuckin’ love ya. Yer my brother. I needed ya.”
My heart can’t take this any longer. I tried to be strong. For ten years, I refused to think of them because it just hurt. But now that I’m out, I can’t allow them to think I never cared. It was because I did care that I did what I had to, to keep them safe.
“I wanted a normal life for ya.”
“Normal?” Cian scoffs. “There’s nothin’ normal about a Doyle takin’ over Belfast! We were nothin’ without the Kellys. My da put a fuckin’ bullet in his head because of what happened to yer da! Tell me, how’s that normal?”
“Oh, fuck, Cian,” I say with utter regret. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” His dad is dead? This war has seen so many casualties.
“That’s right, ye didn’t know ’cause ya locked us all out! All I wanted was my best friend, but ya just—” A sob leaves him, and I reach out to hug him, unable to see him in pain.
“I’m so sorry. Forgive me.”
He hugs me back, sobbing into my shoulder. I failed him. I failed them all. I believed I was saving them, but all I’ve done is hurt them terribly.
Brody Doyle and Sean Kelly are going to fucking pay.
“I need to tell ya somethin’,” I confess, realizing I can’t do this alone. I wanted to give Cian a chance at living a normal life, but this is our normal.
Cian pulls away slowly, wiping away his tears.
“Hannah found Sean’s journals in storage,” I reveal, needing to retell this at my own pace. “Brody Doyle isn’t my dad.”
Cian’s eyes widen. “Then who is?”
With a sigh, I reveal the truth, the truth which has plagued me since I found out who I was. “I am a Kelly, Cian. Sean is my dad.”
Cian opens but soon closes his mouth before snatching the bottle from my hand and gulping the contents down.
“He killed my ma because she was going to tell Connor that Sean was in business with the Doyles. He was the one behind all of this. Hannah saw him here. He’s trying to recruit Ethan. He needs a puppet he can control.
“I didn’t fit the prototype. That’s why he has no issues makin’ me the scapegoat.”
“Yer fuckin’ jokin’ me?” Cian gasps when he can finally construct a sentence.
“I have it in his own handwriting. Everything he did.”
“But we buried him? Did we not?”
“I don’t know who ya buried, but it wasn’t Sean. He’s been waitin’ in the shadows, ready to strike when the time is right. He failed once before, but he’s learned from his mistakes. He’s got what he always wanted—Connor and me out of the picture.
“He couldn’t be the top dog with Connor and me alive. His greed, his need to be number one, is what started all this. My ma made a mistake. She fell for Sean’s lies. We all did. And that cost her her life. She was in that bungalow, trying to escape, to make a better life for me, but he found her and made her pay for betraying him.”
“Why did Brody say he was yer dad then?”
“’Cause Brody thought it would benefit him in the long run. If I were to denounce my Kelly name, that would leave Sean in charge of it all. Therefore, Brody believed with me gone, he could steal Belfast from Sean when the time was right.”
“They were going to double-cross each other?” Cian asks, cluing into their plans.
“Aye. They never trusted one another. They were using the other to get what they wanted. But Sean outsmarted us when he faked his death. Brody can’t fight a dead guy. But Sean is workin’ behind the scenes with Brody’s men, just how he did with ours. He’s earnin’ their trust, showin’ them he’s the better leader.
“And when the time is right, when he’s compiled his army, he will strike and take Brody down.”
“Fuckin’ hell,” Cian says, shook. “I cannot believe it. It was him this entire time? Goin’ behind our backs and recruitin’ the weak? He promised them the world, and they fell for his lies!
“He’s responsible for Connor’s death. And my da’s,” he spits, his anger palpable. “And now he’s tryin’ to ruin Ethan’s life. That fucking fuck cunt arsehole!”
I allow him to vent because it’s a lot to take in.
This is the reason I didn’t want to tell him. He’s suffered enough. But I need him.
“He’s goin’ to pay, I promise ye. But for that to happen, I need to work with Brody Doyle.”
Cian attempts to process what I just shared. “Away on!”
But when he realizes I’m very serious, he pales.
“There is only one person who can help me. I need an inside man, and that man is Brody. He is clueless about Sean’s plan. He either has no idea that he’s still alive, or if he does, he doesn’t believe Sean can outsmart him.”
“And ya think he’s just gonna be believin’ ye when ya tell him?”
“Aye,” I affirm, as I’ve had noth
ing but time to perfect this plan. “He’ll work with me ’cause we both need the other to get what we want. And when I do…I will finally finish what I started ten years ago.
“I want Belfast back. It’s ours. And I can’t do that with Brody in the position he’s in. He’s too powerful, and the men who are loyal to him will do everythin’ to protect him. The ones who aren’t, they’re loyal to Sean.
“It’s better the devil ya know, so it is.”
“I think this plan is fuckin’ stupid,” Cian says firmly. “Can’t we just kill Brody?”
“How do you propose we do that? He knows I’m out, and it’s only a matter of time before he comes knockin’. We’ve got no men to fight with us. And as for our aul’ allies, ten years is a long time. Their loyalty is no longer with us. Besides, it was Connor they had alliances with, not us.
“We need to start from scratch. We need to find out who’s pullin’ the strings. Everyone here in Belfast knows Brody as the kingpin. The Kelly name is a thing of the past. I’m guessin’ Cory’s da is no longer involved with the business?”
Cian shakes his head. “Naw, like my da, he was lost without Connor. He didn’t know what to do, so he handed everythin’ over to Brody. I tried to fight them, but no one wanted to deal with us. It was the Kellys who they dealt with, and because the Kellys were no more, that fucker, Brody, could move in without any trouble.
“I tried to have him killed, many times. But with Connor gone, Sean dead, and you in prison, no one would help. We were on our own.
“When my dad died, I just gave up,” he confesses sadly. “I forgot that part of my life and moved on. Last I heard, the Doyles were runnin’ Belfast with an iron fist. Our men, our suppliers are now theirs. We are a forgotten memory.”
Clenching my fist, I take a deep breath. “It’s time to change that. I don’t know what Sean is waitin’ for as our alliances would deal with him. So, I’m guessin’ he’s simply waitin’ for the right time to strike because when he does, he’ll be unstoppable.
“If I thought I could do this alone, I would. But I have no men and a name that only once incited fear. I need to regain both. And to do that, I need to work with the man who is now in control. I need to crawl into the belly of the beast. I know this plan is far from ideal, but if I don’t side with Brody, I will be fightin’ both him and Sean. I hate to admit it, but I don’t stand a chance against Brody.
“He’s the lesser of two evils.”
Cian sighs, but if he has any better ideas, then I’m all ears.
“I don’t expect ya to—” But he doesn’t let me finish.
“I’m doin’ this with ya,” he affirms with conviction. “There’s no way those two fuckers are goin’ to get away with this. I owe that to my da.”
I understand what he means. Therefore, I know there is no changing his mind.
“Time to claim Northern Ireland as ours. Our fathers would want us to do that.”
“That’s the truth, so it is,” I agree. Even though Connor wasn’t my father, he would want me to fight for what is mine. Which has me thinking about Babydoll.
“Babydoll is engaged,” I reveal, while Cian doesn’t seem surprised as he obviously already knew. “She came to see me.”
“Aye, she is. Yer mad at the fact?” he asks, confused. “I mean, she’s yer sis—” But he soon stops, realizing what he just said.
“Naw, she’s not.”
Cian runs a hand through his snarled hair, blowing out a deep breath. “Ach, this is minus craic. What are ye goin’ to do?”
What I want to do versus what I should do are two completely different things.
“She said she’s happy. That he’s a good man.”
Cian nods.
“Sure look, what can I do? She couldn’t be waitin’ around for me, obviously. She still thinks we’re brother and sister, and I want to leave it like that.”
“What?” He gasps in surprise. “Yer not goin’ to tell her? I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“No, I’m not. If she’s happy, then so am I. What can I offer her, Cian? A life where she’s constantly lookin’ over her shoulder? My ma lived that life, and that’s what got her killed. I won’t be havin’ that for Babydoll.”
“And what about yer happiness? Yer to live with this secret while watchin’ the woman ye love with another man?”
With a shrug, I reply, “Aye. It’s better this way.”
“Better for who?” he questions.
“For everyone. This is the only way I can keep her safe.”
Cian shakes his head, clearly not on board with this plan. “She’s tougher than she looks. When ye were in prison, she did everythin’ to try to help ya. Nothin’ scared her. She worked until it made her…sick.”
“Sick?” I question Cian, who instantly appears to regret his words.
“All of us suffered in our own personal ways with ya gone, Punky. Babydoll never stopped lovin’ ya, even when she knew she shouldn’t. She was disgusted in herself, thinkin’ ya were her brother and that. I think she needs to know.”
“I tell her, and ya know what happens?” When he doesn’t reply, I continue, “We go back to hurtin’ one another. It seems to be our pattern. We both want to save the other, but it just turns to shite. It’s better this way.
“I need to focus on Sean and Brody. And I can’t do that while worryin’ about Babydoll.”
“And yer okay knowin’ she’s about to marry another man?”
“Aye,” I reply, but it’s a lie. I am not fucking okay. “If he makes her happy, then that’s enough for me. Ye can’t be tellin’ anyone ’bout this, ye hear?”
Cian isn’t fooled, but he doesn’t press. Nor does he share who her fiancé is. “Yer a bigger man than me. If Amber—”
But when he suddenly stops, I realize he’s got a secret of his own. I realize they’ve all moved on while I’ve simply been stuck in time.
“Away on! You and Amber?”
Amber was the twins’ nanny. Cian has always been interested in her. I’m happy he finally got the girl.
“Aye. It’s not…weird?”
“Naw, course not. Why would it be weird?”
Cian shrugs. “Dunno. Thought it might be.”
I know what he means. Amber showed some interest in me, but I never felt that way about her. There was only one doll for me.
“I’m happy for youse.” And I mean it.
“And what about you? When do you get yer happiness?”
Considering his question, I smile. “The day I kill Sean and Brody, which has me thinkin’…”
Cian nods, indicating he’s listening.
“I need to know whose body they buried. They may have the answers I’m lookin’ for.”
“And?” Cian coaxes, knowing so much more is to come.
“And I need to find Brody Doyle before he finds me.”
This is dangerous, and if Cian is having second thoughts, I wouldn’t hold it against him. But when he smirks, it’s like we’re picking up where I left things.
“Keep ’er lit. It’s time we took back what’s ours.”
“Ach, sure, we’re suckin’ diesel now.”
“This would be a lot easier if Rory was here,” I whisper discreetly to Cian, so the aul’ doll behind the glass screen doesn’t hear me.
It’s been two days. I’ve had no luck finding out who really was buried in place of Sean, and Brody Doyle has gone into hiding. I know he’s simply playing it cautious as he doesn’t know what my plans are, but he can’t hide forever.
I still haven’t seen Rory. I understand he needs time to adjust to things, but I fucking miss him. And I could really use his computer expertise to help us out.
“I’m sorry, lad, but I can’t help ya,” says the woman behind the counter as her fingers tap away at the keyboard.
We’re at the cemetery where “Sean” is buried. The information online is useless. It’s all above board to any unsuspecting person, but I know better. I need to know whose body is i
n that grave.
“Best ask the family for this personal information,” she adds, looking down the top of her silver-framed glasses at me.
I would, but Fiona won’t talk to me, and Hannah can’t get the information from her either. I need to know who the coroner was because they signed off on “Sean’s” death. I also want to know who the funeral directors were.
But I can’t get any fucking answers because this aul’ doll won’t talk.
Rory would be able to hack into this system, giving me the answers I need. But he’s a big girl’s blouse at the moment.
I could let on that I’m family, but this will rouse suspicion. I’d have to tell the aul’ doll that the reason I don’t know this information is because I was in jail, and I was put in there because I played a part in the man’s death I’m asking about.
This is a fucking dog’s dinner.
“All right. Thanks.”
Cian and I step outside, back to square one.
“Fuck,” I curse under my breath as we walk away, in case of any earwiggin’. “This is useless. If I can’t find any information on Sean, then I’m going to Dublin. Least I know where I can find some Doyles.”
Cian clucks his tongue. “Fer feck’s sake! Cool yer jets. Remember what happened the last time we did that?”
“Fair play,” I reply with a sigh.
“I’ll chat to Rory.”
“Don’t bother.”
I don’t want to annoy him, seeing as he’s still mad at me. I never expected him to welcome me back with open arms. He needs to do it at his own pace. But his own pace is killing me slowly.
Cian’s phone rings, and when he answers it, I guess Amber is on the other end. He speaks to her for a few seconds before nodding and disconnecting the call. “I’ve got to go. That was Amber. She—”
But I cut him off. I don’t need an explanation. “I’ll see ye later.”
I know he wishes things could return to how they once were. But they can’t. Amber, Rory, and the others will see me when they’re ready. I’m not expecting miracles.
“How will ye get back?” Cian drove, but I’m not ready to leave yet. I have to do something first.
