Through the Singularity

by L. Frank Wadsworth

  I have to face/deal with/understand/adjust to these, they are the most alien/primitive /disturbing/base/upsetting/painful. For instance, you thought you were a god? Natural, I suppose given your abilities/superiority/strangeness compared to others. You had a harem and prestige/power /influence. It was a good life until a disease outbreak took most of your tribe, and what few remained spit on you and cast you out/hated you. Why didn't you just go somewhere else and start again? It would have been easy.

  What kind of god/man can't help those he loves? I let my powers go right to my head/full of myself. I wanted to be/needed to be/must have been special. Otherwise, why did I have these powers? I thought I'd been visited by the gods. When all those people died, I did everything I could think of to save them. But I knew nothing/was nothing/was pathetic, even by the standards of the day. Those who cast me out felt the same way. They were right. I was/am no god. What good was I/am I?

  Zaleria pulls on another thread. You tried to take your own life/what did I do to you?

  Achi grimaces a bit in memory. Three times. After about 500 years or so, I just couldn't take it/stand it/deal with it anymore. Everything seemed so pointless, so hopeless/painful. Life was short/painful/hard, and I'd had my fill of death/so much death/couldn't help any of my loved ones. I couldn't help anyone. I tried to live normal lives/be normal/act normal, and succeeded in a few cases but normal lives were often brutish, violent, and short/too short/too often. Children died before adulthood more often than not, women died in child birth so many times/too many lost. I felt the need to keep constantly moving around/always on the move before people would notice I was special/had to hide what I was. That caused me to leave loved ones a few times. I'd had enough/couldn't take it/was a coward and decided to hang myself. It didn't take, the symbiots wouldn't let it/stopped me/always stopped me. Although I now know how long it takes them to gnaw through a rope. Useful insight I actually used later in life. They'd never directly communicate with me, but after the third attempt, I think they decided they had to do something. We had a chat/lecture. They eventually helped me cope/deal with it/learn how to live a more normal life. Fake aging, change my appearance, that sort of thing.”

  Zaleria muses, The emergency mode I inadvertently/stupidly instigated should have known better. It is only supposed to last a short time. They were apparently following my “orders” to the letter/ were they/something else going on? But you were complicating things. They had to make adjustments to protocols to ensure the primary mission was executed.

 

  There is that sarcasm again, they both think simultaneously, then look at each other startled.

  Zaleria continues. Why did you take Asta for your wife? She was your last one. You had lived many thousand years by that time and knew what it would mean. Yet you chose to wed, raise children. Why go through the pain again/deal with someone so primitive?

  He replies, She was remarkable. Very intelligent, stubborn, independent. But also warm and loving when you got to know her. She made you feel alive, special/loved even though all we were doing was scratching out a living/subsisting/struggling. She had a very mature attitude despite the massive difference in our ages. All she asked for in return was companionship/love. It was worth it. I stayed with her, shared her life, raised a family, aged beside her, until death finally came for her. I mourned for a long time/still do/always will. But I gave her all the years she could take and made sure they were as good as I could make them. We had a good life together.

  She presses on, Why haven't you taken a wife since then/aren't you lonely/tired of being alone?

  That is a more difficult question. He thinks it will be easiest to reply with an example pulled from her memories. When we first met, I was only about 20 years old. I'd already been married and watched my first wife die in childbirth. I'd lost both my wife and child/everything. When I was dying, you laid down with me and cradled me as a mother would her child because to you, being over a thousand yourself at the time, I was nothing more than an infant. I'm over ten times the age you were then/ancient/alone. Everyone I meet seems like an infant/child/yes primitive to me. I miss having a companion/terribly alone/painfully lonely; yet I've not been able to get past that. It is lonely, but there is little I can do/dare to do/don't want to risk doing. I now view humanity as my family and helping them navigate the coming singularity is what drives me/my responsibility. If we make it to the other side, I'll deal with the future then/where will you be?

  She decides to change direction. You have been a hunter, soldier, farmer, wanderer, scientist, industrialist, but you have also been a pillager, a rapist, and a murderer. Still, you have not taken a life in over a hundred years/long while and the last one was in defense of another. Why/what changed/how did you evolve?

  Ok, this one is easy. I've done a lot I regret/I have regrets/so many regrets. After finding out how different I'd become, I struggled to understand it, to understand why. What was it I was supposed to do with my abilities/why me? I went through stages—euphoria, anger, despair. In the early years, I killed to defend those I loved/protect my people. That can be justified/can’t it? Though I have learned that it is better to find ways to avoid fighting altogether—it isn't always possible/man is violent/so violent/too much violence. I have also engaged in wars of dominance/evil with other clans or tribes. I thought at the time that perhaps I was changed to help my people prosper. I was wrong/so wrong/I have done so much wrong and there is no way to atone for my actions. Yes, I committed murder, and rape. < profound guilt> It seemed the best way to promote my tribe at the expense of others, but I now know that makes no sense/is wrong/is evil. You cannot create a future by taking it from another/stealing because there is always someone else who will come along and take it from you/it is wrong/evil. You must bring your own skills to bear to create wealth/control yourself/build. And then you should empower others to create their own wealth/help/teach. That leads to cooperation, trade, commerce, civilization, and prosperity, which is to everyone's benefit.

  And then she lets him have it. Why did you rape this woman, and this woman, and this one? She demands to know, pulling up their faces from his own memories, because he never knew their names. That's what you think of your actions isn't it, the word you would use to describe it? Did they do to you any wrong justifying such punishment? No!? So why did you do it?

  He has no answer. She has to feel his guilt. He sighs as the memories flood through him again. He did those things when he was only a few hundred years old, during a series of territorial raids with a rival clan. He was an angry, angry man back then. They had been enemies for decades, squabbling over resources: land, water, hunting grounds. The first raid was a revenge attack, and he did unto that woman what the men from her village had done to his wife at the time. Did that make it right? No, and the conflict went on for years. The last raid occurred when his village was razed to the ground while he and a group of the men were on a hunting trip. The women, including his new wife, had been ravished and killed. The children were all butchered, and the village burned. They were so angry, so full of rage, that they went to return the favor. They killed dozens of their enemies before they were themselves killed to the last man and dumped in a ravine. He limped out after two days. For all he knew, the one who killed his wife could have been his own bastard son, he had no way of knowing.

  He lived alone after that, hunting down the other tribe, one person at a time, depleting them of their best hunters, until in the middle of winter, when their village seeme
d eerily quiet, he sneaked in. Most of those who remained were dead, those who were still alive were emaciated and malnourished. They'd not been able to gather enough to make it through the season of cold, and without their hunters, they starved. He remembers finding that one woman, the last one he'd violated, still lingering. She recognized him but was too far gone to show any fear. “We told the men not to do what they did, but they just beat us. Then you came and hurt us. Are you happy now, whatever you are? Do you wish to take me again, will that make any difference when we are all gone?”

  That is when he realized it had all been pointless. He recognized at some level that what he had been doing was wrong, but he'd lost control. He'd failed as a god, and he'd failed as a protector. He let his rage overcome him, and now he was nothing more than a destroyer. He looked around at all he had done and was ashamed. He built her a fire and gave her water, but she never spoke again and died by morning. Achi left the valley and didn't stop walking for weeks. He has never felt clean since.

  And that is the crux of the issue. You can see every thought I have had, you can see my guilt/I am guilty/I cannot be pardoned. You can see where my anger came from, and where it led me, and where it has gone. It was inexcusable, but I eventually learned to cope with what I'd become/who I was/my condition/my anger. I wandered a lot after that, gained knowledge, learned all that I could. The symbiots helped in that regard. In time, I accepted I was different, and if I needed a purpose in my life, I would have to define that for myself/can't depend on anyone else/shouldn't look for more. And that is what I did. I helped where I could and learned when I couldn't. One man can only do so much, but I could have an impact. After I gained your memories, and saw you for who you are, and then looked at all I've done…

  There is nothing more to say; he just hangs his head and waits for her to pass judgment. Zaleria pokes around quite a bit. He can feel her reliving his memories, seeing things from his perspective. Sometimes pulling back for a bit, until the nausea subsides, then moving more slowly.

  While she is doing that, he starts looking at a theme he notices in her memories. Suspicions about who might actually comprise the Ereshki. Once she learned of his word for them, and its meaning, she approved and started using it. He is reviewing her conversations with her mother. She seems like an interesting being, with a unique perspective. But he thinks there might be more there. It is clear to Achi that she is holding back important information.

  He also focuses a bit more about what galanen life is like. It seems fulfilling. They share with everyone but don't form long-term pair bonds until very late in life. Zaleria has experienced a few close relationships, several that had grown physical, but none lasted more than a few decades. They usually ended when she and her lover would drift apart because of diverging interests, but they always parted on good terms. This is considered normal.

  Her home is very special to her. He's often wished he could create a home instead of constantly traveling around. He's had to rebuild and move so many times. He finds that he likes Zaleria as a person, but then he senses her watching him, from the inside.

  What was death like for you? She asks.

  What an odd question. But then he realizes for the first time that the experience wasn't recorded by his symbiots. Don't you know?

  She bites the corner of her lip—Achi thinks she'd make a lousy poker player; her face is too expressive.

  I wouldn't have asked if I did/you know this/smart ass. I know what I have experienced but this is our last piece of privacy, so I won't press if you're uncomfortable/want to know.

  He thinks for a moment. Do I care if she knows/so what/why would it matter? Last bit of privacy for us both/she knows/she is willing to share/why?

  “The first time I died, I separated from my body. I could see everything around me, but no one could see me. When I looked at my corpse, it seemed so cold and disgusting. Yet, I knew there was still life in it. I think that was the symbiots. Then I felt myself pulled through a tunnel, into a deep darkness. I was surrounded by wraiths, or demons, or some other kind of creatures. They wanted to tear me apart, use me as food. Except I knew that I couldn't be consumed, only… dissipated. I experienced everything with such clarity, and I was terrified. The pain as they tore into me, stripped me to the core, was excruciating. I could feel everything in such exquisite detail. And the worst part was, deep down, I knew I belonged there. I had done terrible things. Evil things… This hurt more than anything they did to me. Then a bright light came down and caused all of the dark things to flee. It showed me everything I'd done—all at once—and how it affected everyone around me. It was horrible, I couldn't raise my eyes to look at the light because I felt such shame. I felt completely naked and wanted to hide in the darkness where I wouldn't be seen. Then the light spoke to me, as we're doing now in our minds, and asked [Is the light afraid of the darkness or is the darkness afraid of the light?], and then it left me. I cannot describe how completely and utterly alone I felt as the creatures returned and tore back into me with a renewed fury. I don't know how long I remained there—time had no meaning—before I faded and then felt myself come back into my body. I'd been regenerated.” Achi grows quiet for a moment, reflecting on each subsequent experience, which he remembers in vivid detail. “The last time I died, we reviewed my life, and I wasn't ashamed to face the light. I felt such intense love, and peace, and… acceptance.” They are silent for a moment. “What about you?”

  “We know that there are many planes of existence, that the Creator is in all of them, and Is all of them. We cannot completely be destroyed, but we do evolve to a higher plane of existence when we feel we have learned all we can in this universe. We call it 'crossing over.' I have obviously not experienced that, but I recently experienced corporeal death for the first time; it separated me from my essence, which we liken to our spirit, but is only a primary copy of my memories that is kept separate from the collective. I too felt drawn to a Being of Light, who showed me how the love I have expressed has affected the universe, but that there is so much work to be done. I also discovered I don't always act out of love, but sometimes, frequently actually, I act to fulfill my pride or selfish desires, or to satisfy my need for attention and self- glorification. It wasn't a scolding, per sé, but more of a facilitated self-assessment. How can you not judge yourself next to such a pure mirror for the soul? He made me see that there is much that needs to be done, which made me wonder if I'm doing enough. I've actually wondered this for a long time, which is why I wanted to meet with you when I believed you were only Rolle. Overall, I found the experience unsettling.”

  She blows some air out between her lips with an audible “hmm.” She's come to a decision. Do you recall/know why I fought to save your life when we first met/I failed you?

  He nods. I've reviewed those memories in great detail/needed to know. I'd impressed you with altruism/selflessness/stupidity, but you also reacted out of profound guilt/purity of spirit/naïvety.

  She smiles at the accuracy of his matter-of-fact assessment. You have been through/I've put you through much. All of it, whether intentional or not, was because of the errors I made on my first mission/because of me/my fault. Hush. I view it that way/you know it/you can feel it. Just as I feel your guilt/horror at what you've done, you feel mine. You were a primitive. Now you are more/far more/equal/galanen? Are you perfect? No. Am I? No.

  She stops for a moment, having come to a sudden realization. She pulls up her shirt, to expose a splotchy patch of pale skin on her belly, just to the left and below her navel. It looks as if a drop of solvent had splattered on her honey brown skin and bleached it out.

  As you know from my memories, my father chose this mark as his gift to me. I could have erased it if I wanted to, but that would have been disrespectful/I miss him/loved his sense of humor. I think I now know why he placed it there to remind me/those who see it (she looks at him as she thinks this)
that we're not perfect/far from perfect/galanen/human? You have grown much but have room to grow. So do I/I need to atone. To the extent I can help you and humanity, I will. You judge your own actions harshly, as you should, and find them wanting upon occasion. But you learn/have learned/have grown so much, and that is enough.

  And with that, she tosses back the last of her whiskey and stands up. He does the same and rises to face her. She holds out her hand, he wraps his around it and shakes. They don't say anything; there is no need. Their symbiots form such a strong connection that they share each other’s thoughts and emotions. It is cathartic, quickly dissipating any lingering doubt, anger, hurt, and guilt. “Ok, it's time to reset the delay.”

  “I need to contact the collective. You can help with that, since you're the one that halted regeneration of my comms.” She smiles as she says that. There is no anger there. “And you need to contact Clive; we have an enemy to find.”

  He is already reaching out to him. “You know, you can be perceived as being a bit bossy,” he says with a smile.

  Chapter Seven

  Elk's Grove Estate

  Achi and Zaleria leave the gas station in the car and head south. They do not converse much; there is little that needs to be said. He knows she loves traveling in the more remote parts of Earth, and this area definitely fits that description. After about 20 minutes of driving, Achi pulls into a remote airstrip on a private farm. A twin-engine propeller aircraft is waiting for them. They climb into the back seats, and the pilot gets them airborne with little preparation or chatter. It'll be a couple hours until they land at his compound in a private valley in northern Idaho.

  “How long until you regain comms?” Achi asks her.

  “At least another day and a half. I'd like to send a status update to the collective now.”