My eyes widened. “Did I say something wrong? That was meant to be a compliment, you know.”
“No.” Declan leaned back in his seat and let out a long breath. “Of course it was. That was a nice thing to say.” He wiped his forehead, and his face turned red.
Something was off. I leaned in. “Are you okay?”
He blinked repeatedly, as if he didn’t quite know how to respond, then attempted to brush it off. “Now is not the time to be talking about me. That’s not why I’m here.”
“I want to know if something is bothering you, Declan.” My heart started to race. “Besides, the last thing I want to talk about is me. So please, tell me what’s going on.”
He looked down at his hands and circled his thumbs. “It’s nothing.”
The more he tried to downplay it, the more worried I became.
“Your face dampened the second I said you light up a room. It triggered something. Please tell me why.”
He swallowed. “Okay… There is something going on with me. But I just don’t feel like tonight is the right time to get into it.” Exhaling, he said, “Maybe we can talk about it over the phone when things calm down for you. I don’t want to—”
“I don’t know if you realize how much I care about you,” I interrupted, my choice of words surprising me. “If something is bothering you, Declan, I need to know. Now. Please? It’s okay. Do I look like I’m going anywhere tonight?”
He stared into my eyes for what seemed like an unusually long time. Then he finally nodded. “Let’s go over to the couch.”
My heart sank. My imagination ran wild as I waited for him to sit down with me. Had something happened back in Wisconsin? Had he gotten someone pregnant? That last thought was really random, but anything was possible. He took our plates to the sink before joining me on the sofa.
We sat close and faced each other.
“There’s something I haven’t told you,” he began. “Something I didn’t fully realize about myself until recently.”
My heart pounded. “Okay…”
Declan didn’t say anything for a full thirty seconds.
“Getting these words out is harder than I thought.” He took a deep breath in and blew it out. “Okay. I’m just gonna come out and say it.” He closed his eyes. “There are times when I don’t feel right, when I get down.” He paused. “I suffer from depression, Molly. It’s something I’ve been treated for since high school. My mother also suffers from…bipolar disorder.”
Wow. Okay. Hadn’t seen that coming.
“I’ve always worried that my depression might be the beginning signs of bipolar disorder,” he continued. “It isn’t easy to diagnose because it progresses over a long period of time. I only recently discussed that worry at length with my doctor. He doesn’t seem as concerned as I am, but he also couldn’t tell me definitively that my worries are unfounded. I take medication for the depression, and for the most part, it helps. Though sometimes I go through these terrible low periods where I struggle, and then my doctor usually adjusts my medication. The night you came home from staying at your dad’s for a week, I was in one of those rough patches. The toughest part is not being able to get myself out of it right away when it happens.”
I let that sink in. It pained me to know he’d been suffering in silence and hadn’t felt like he could tell me. Moreover, it hurt because I’d been too damn wrapped up in my own shit to figure it out, even though I’d seen the signs. I knew something was bothering him when I came home from my dad’s, but I never imagined it was coming from within him.
“Are you feeling okay right now?” I asked.
“Yeah, I am. While I’d always had it in the back of my head that my issues could spiral into something more serious, lately I’d really begun to worry I was turning into my mother. The worry itself became a problem for me, and I needed to admit that to myself and to my doctor.”
“So you said you spoke to your doctor?”
“Yeah. I spoke to my doctor back in California. We’ve started doing some Zoom therapy sessions, and he’s put a lot of my fears to rest. He seems to think if I were bipolar, it would manifest differently. He believes I’m just depressed. Though, of course, he can’t be fully certain.”
“You never talked much about your mom. Now I realize it’s a delicate subject.”
“Growing up with her mood swings and episodes was really hard. It’s never been easy for me to talk about. And believe me, the last thing I wanted to do was bring all of this up tonight.”
I reached for his hand. “I’m so glad you did.” I felt like I was finally getting the missing piece of a puzzle. As close as he and I had become, I’d always had the sense something was missing. Now I knew.
“Declan, you have no idea how much it means that you’re sharing this with me right now. I’ve always wondered if there were parts of yourself you never showed me—almost like you were too good to be true.” I laughed a little.
He smiled. “Yeah, I get it. I’ve grown pretty good at hiding a lot behind a smile. Sometimes I think I overcompensate and try to make people laugh so they aren’t busy looking any deeper at me. Not many people are able to tell when I’m covering my feelings, but I had an inkling you could see through my bullshit that night you came home from your dad’s. I didn’t want to burden you, even though I knew you’d be supportive.”
“I know how hard it can be to talk about things like this.”
He nodded. “You’ve always been honest about your own anxieties. It just took me a while to get to that place.”
I exhaled. “I wish I’d known so I could have helped.”
“The fact that you know now and I don’t have to hide it anymore makes me feel better.”
Over the next half hour, Declan talked a bit more about his mother and the challenges of growing up with a parent who had a mental illness.
“Again, I’m so glad you told me.”
“Me, too.” He flashed a hesitant smile. “I’ve taken the past few weeks to deal with my shit in a way I should’ve been doing for some time. I even went back to Cali for a few days.”
“Oh, wow. I didn’t realize that.” I smiled. “Are you sure you’re feeling okay tonight? You must’ve traveled all day and then you sat at a wake for hours.”
He took my hand. “I feel especially good tonight because I’m with you—even under the horrible circumstances that brought me here. I really missed you. I don’t think I realized how much until I saw you tonight.”
His words nearly melted me. What is going on? I thought I’d started to get over Declan. Things had been going so well with Will. But right now, all I could see, all I could feel was Declan.
I wanted to say so much, but the only words that came out were, “I missed you, too.”
Declan took a deep breath in and smacked my leg. “Enough about this now, okay? We need to talk about happy things for the rest of tonight.”
“For the record, talking about the tough stuff isn’t hard for me. I love learning more about you, even if it’s painful.”
He looked into my eyes. “It wasn’t that I didn’t think you’d accept me or anything like that. I was in denial myself and didn’t want to deal. My doctor feels like I might have a form of PTSD from my childhood, in terms of things I witnessed with my mom. And even though clinical depression is my main issue, my fear of turning into my mother has affected the way I deal with certain things—like my relationships, the decisions I make…” He stared into my eyes.
Was he talking about us? His decision not to pursue anything with me? Or was he referring to Julia?
Rather than ask him to clarify, I said, “Promise me something.”
“Yeah?”
“Promise me that now that I know, you’ll lean on me. Promise me you’ll call me anytime you need to talk about how you’re feeling.”
Declan smiled. “Okay, I promise.”
I’d thought I cared about Declan before tonight, but experiencing this raw and vulnerable side of him was a level o
f intimacy we’d never shared before. All of the complicated feelings I’d ever had for him lit up inside me like a fire reigniting.
CHAPTER 29
* * *
Declan
I woke the next morning feeling all sorts of fucked up.
Fucked up because I’d poured my heart out to Molly like that.
Fucked up because my feelings for her were at an all-time high.
And fucked up because I woke up in her bed.
Nothing happened—physically, at least.
After our talk last night, my heart felt ready to explode. She’d made me feel so accepted, so cared for. It made me regret not opening up to her a long time ago.
As much as I’d wanted to do something fun for her, we were both exhausted. She’d leaned against me at one point while we were on the couch, and I ended up holding her until we fell asleep. When I opened my eyes and realized we were still on the sofa, I woke her so we could go to our respective bedrooms. Then she’d told me she didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t have to think twice. I followed her to her room and held her again until we fell asleep together in her bed.
So here I was the next morning, feeling fucked up for once again having way-more-than-platonic feelings for Molly. Except this time was even more screwed up because she had a boyfriend.
As she slept, I could see her phone blowing up with messages—Will checking in on her. I didn’t know what to do. I was leaving tonight, and I’d be leaving a piece of my heart behind. Something had shifted between us. As strong as my feelings had always been for Molly, they’d never felt quite like this.
***
The plan was for everyone to meet at the church to say their final goodbyes to Molly’s dad before heading to the cemetery.
Molly had seemed completely numb the entire morning. I couldn’t blame her. It didn’t matter what I said or did today, I couldn’t take the pain away. We arrived early, and I gave her some space to comfort her little sister, but I never veered too far from her, in case she needed me. I planned to be here for her until the moment I had to leave for the airport.
A few minutes before the mass was to start, Molly came in my direction. Her eyes were glassy and distant. I knew she was still trying not to feel anything. She sat down next to me in the pew and leaned her head on my shoulder. I wrapped my arm around her and held her close. She felt limp, as if I were the only thing keeping her from collapsing.
I would never have let her go were it not for a firm tap on my shoulder. I turned around to meet Will Daniels’ incendiary glare.
“I can take it from here.”
I wasn’t about to argue in a church. Plus, hell, I was the one in the wrong. I had my arm wrapped around his girlfriend. Molly looked panicked, like she had no idea how to handle the situation, so I made it easy for her. It was the absolute last thing I wanted to do, but I stood and held out my hand.
“Hey, Will. Good to see you.”
He hesitated, but shook. “I didn’t realize you were coming, Declan. I thought you were living out of state.”
“I got in last night for the wake.”
Will frowned, and his eyes shifted to Molly. He was clearly agitated, but when he looked down and saw her face, he thankfully put our pissing match aside and crouched down to speak to her at eye level.
He cupped her cheeks and looked into her teary face. “Oh, Molly… It’s gonna be okay. Not right now, not an hour from now, maybe not even in a few days—but I promise it will get easier. Today is the hardest part, and you’re entitled to feel every moment of it. You don’t need to hold it in. Let it out, honey.”
The tears she’d been keeping at bay streamed down her face. Will leaned forward and pulled her into a hug. Standing there, I felt like a third wheel. So I did what I thought was right, and I let them have a private moment. I took a seat a few rows back and watched as he helped dry her tears, and then she leaned on him as he walked her to the front row.
Throughout the mass, I mostly stared at the back of their heads. It hurt like hell for another man to be sitting in my spot, giving my girl comfort. But in the end, Molly was most important, not my own selfish desires.
After the service, the pallbearers carried the casket out of the church, and Molly and her family followed directly behind. I kept my head down as she and Will passed so I wouldn’t make things uncomfortable. Outside, a hearse and a stretch limousine waited. I figured Will and Molly would ride in the limo together with her family, so I was surprised when I saw him kiss her forehead, pull his keys out of his pocket, and head to the parking lot alone. Molly looked around, and when our eyes met, she smiled sadly. I walked over, figuring I should probably say goodbye now.
I rubbed her arms. “How are you holding up?”
“I’m really glad that’s over.”
“Yeah, I bet.”
Over her shoulder, I saw Kayla helping her daughter and two older women into the limousine. When she was done, she scanned the crowd.
“I think Kayla might be looking for you.”
“Do you think she’d be upset if I told her I didn’t want to ride in the limousine with them?”
“I think you should do whatever is going to be easiest on you. It looks like she has family with her, so she won’t be alone.”
Molly held up a finger. “Will you give me a minute, please?”
“Of course.”
I watched as she walked over to her dad’s wife, and they spoke. Molly pointed to me, and Kayla’s eyes lifted to meet mine. She smiled. They hugged before Molly made her way back over.
“Are you going to the cemetery?” she asked.
“I was planning on it.”
“Can I ride with you?”
I was surprised, but wasn’t going to turn down a few more minutes alone with her. “Of course.”
Cars were lining up behind the limousine with their headlights on. I noticed the second car back was Will, and his eyes were on us.
“Does Will know you’re riding with me?” I lifted my chin and pointed to his car. “Because he’s watching us right now.”
Molly sighed. “No, I should probably go tell him.”
I nodded. “Why don’t I go get the car from the parking lot?”
“Okay, thank you.”
When I pulled the car around, Molly climbed in.
“Everything go okay?”
She shrugged. “He said it was fine.”
The hearse at the front of the long line of cars pulled away from the curb, and the procession followed. Molly stared out the window as we started to drive.
“Can I ask you something?” she said.
“Of course. Anything.”
“What scares you the most about dying?”
I glanced at her and back to the road. “I don’t know. I don’t think you’re in physical pain once your heart stops beating, and I like to think that there’s an afterlife of some sort. So I’m not necessarily afraid of the physical notion of death. I think what probably scares me the most is dying with regrets.”
“Like what?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know… I guess if I looked back and realized I’d worked really hard, but it was at the cost of neglecting the people I love. Or if I didn’t have a wife or a family for some reason.” I paused and glanced over at Molly again. “If I missed important opportunities because I was too afraid to take a chance.”
She nodded and continued to stare blankly out the window. “I don’t think my father had too many regrets…maybe some with how he handled things after he left us, but I feel like he made peace with that recently.”
I reached over and took her hand. “I think you gave him that peace, Molly.”
She sighed. “I’m so glad I had these last few months with him.”
I nodded. “I think it meant the world to him, too.”
A few minutes later she said, “Will told me he loved me a few days ago. It was the day before my dad died.”
It felt like I’d been punched in the gut, and all of the air was su
cked out of my lungs. I had to take a minute to be able to respond. “Were you…happy about that?”
“He’s been really great through all this. I know you had your doubts about him in the beginning. I did, too. But I do think he cares about me.”
“Are you…in love with him?” I held my breath.
“I like him a lot.” She looked down at her hands on her lap. “But I couldn’t say it back. Not yet. I care about him, and we have a nice time when we’re together. We have a lot in common.” She shook her head. “I don’t know. Maybe my emotions are just all over the place because of everything going on with my dad and that’s making me unsure of my own feelings.”
I might not be certain about most shit in life, but one thing I now knew is that when you’re truly in love, you know it. And even if Molly wasn’t going to be with me, I never wanted her to settle for anything less than she deserved.
“I think you know it when you’re in love, Molly.”
“But how? How do you know?”
Just as she asked, we arrived at the wrought-iron gates of the entrance to the cemetery. The funeral procession slowed as we followed the hearse to Molly’s dad’s gravesite.
I was grateful that I didn’t have to think and could just follow the car in front of me because my mind was preoccupied with how to answer her question. Too soon, the hearse slowed and pulled to the side. Panic set in as I realized Molly and I were just about out of time together.
Once I parked, Molly turned to face me. She shook her head. “I’m sorry for being so random and asking you the meaning of life on the way here. I guess seeing my father come to his end has made me realize it’s about time I find my beginning.”
People in the cars parked ahead of us began to open their doors to get out. Molly put her hand on the door latch. “Thanks for driving me, Declan.”
As she started to get out, I yelled to stop her. “Wait!”
She turned back.
“You know you’re in love if every little thing you’ve ever been scared of suddenly doesn’t seem half as terrifying as not spending the rest of your life with that person.”
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