Will Daniels was a good man. I knew that now more than ever. He was the whole package. The real deal. And he’d told me he loved me over and over. And yet…I still couldn’t say it back.
We’d gotten into a couple of arguments lately regarding my moodiness and my inability to explain why I was sad. What was I supposed to say? I’m sad because the guy you hate for me to be around may never be coming back? I’m sad because I don’t quite know why I don’t love you?
But I realized it didn’t matter why I apparently didn’t love Will enough to say it. What mattered was being honest with him. And the truth was obvious. I couldn’t return his sentiments, and I wasn’t sure if I ever would.
Later, when he caught me in the break room, I couldn’t seem to look him in the eyes. And in that moment, I knew I’d reached my breaking point. I couldn’t do this anymore. Will Daniels might have been the perfect man, but he wasn’t the perfect man for me. He deserved someone who could profess her love for him without hesitation. I knew there would be a line of women waiting to take my place the second he went on the market again. Why waste his time if this wasn’t going to work out?
“Will…can we go out to the courtyard and talk?”
The look of disappointment in his eyes told me he knew exactly what was about to go down. He nodded and followed me outside.
And I broke up with one of the greatest men I’d ever met. Only time would tell if that was the biggest mistake of my life.
***
The following evening was my night off, and I decided to do something I’d been putting off; I invited my little sister, Siobhan, over for a sleepover. She’d just turned ten and was still struggling after Dad’s death. According to Kayla, Siobhan felt less alone around me because we had the loss of our dad in common. Kayla thought it would be a good idea for us to spend a little more time together. Hence, the sleepover. It was a nice distraction for me, as well.
While we noshed on pizza on the living room floor, my sister stuck her little nose where it didn’t belong.
“What happened to your two boyfriends?”
My eyes went wide. “Excuse me?”
“You have two boyfriends, don’t you? Will and Declan? They both came to Daddy’s funeral.”
My sister was more astute than I’d thought. And apparently, she thought I was polyamorous.
How to answer… “While in a fantasy world, a woman might be able to have two boyfriends and get away with it, in this world, most of the time, you only have one. Will was my boyfriend. Declan is my friend. Neither is currently my boyfriend.”
She tilted her head. “Why?”
No way was I getting into this with a ten-year-old.
“It’s complicated. But let’s just say, I didn’t love him the way I should have.”
She crossed her legs. “Why not?”
I blew a breath up into my hair. “I’m not sure. You know if you do love someone, but…it takes a little longer to figure out if you don’t sometimes.” Wiping my mouth with a napkin, I said, “Most of the time, it’s just a feeling. And once I realized Will wasn’t the one for me, I didn’t want to waste his time.”
“So how do you know if you love someone?”
That reminded me of my dad’s funeral and Declan’s words that day after I’d asked him the very question my sister had just asked me. “You know you’re in love if every little thing you’ve ever been scared of suddenly doesn’t seem half as terrifying as not spending the rest of your life with that person.”
If I stopped to analyze what I’d been feeling these past several days, it was fear—fear that I’d lost Declan. From the moment he’d told me he wasn’t coming back to Chicago, I could focus on little else.
Oh my God.
I finally answered her. “Siobhan, I think there’s more than one way to know you love someone. And one of those ways is losing them. Sometimes we don’t realize we love someone until it’s too late. Until they’re gone. I think that might be what’s happening to me.”
Her eyes practically bugged out of her head. “You love someone? Another guy? Number three?”
I shook my head and laughed. “No. Not number three. I love Declan.” I paused, gauging to make sure. Wow. Yeah. It sure is. “It’s Declan.”
She gasped. “Are you gonna tell him?”
I shook my head. “Maybe? I don’t know. I need more time to think about it. I only now just figured it out.”
“Okay.” She smiled and resumed eating her pizza as if this whole thing was no big deal.
It was to me.
We watched a movie after that and shared a giant tub of popcorn. But all I could think about was my realization about Declan. What did it mean? He was leaving Wisconsin for California in a few days. I still had a life here. Furthermore, what if he didn’t love me back? Then it wouldn’t matter how I felt.
I could only hope for some sort of sign in the days to come. I needed guidance on how to proceed. But I was especially glad I’d let Will go. Now I knew the source of my inability to love him. I loved someone else.
***
Later that night, Siobhan had gone to Declan’s room (yes, it would always be “Declan’s room”) to sleep, and I’d retreated to my own bedroom.
About ten minutes into my nighttime skincare routine, I heard my sister call me from across the hall.
“Molly!”
“Yeah?”
“Can you come here?”
When I entered the room, she was holding a piece of paper. “I found an M&M under the bed when I went to put my shoes there. So I went looking for more of them and found this.”
I took it from her. It was Declan’s handwriting.
And there were expletives.
Shit.
A bunch of sentences had been scratched out with a single line through them.
I read the note.
Fuck it. Let’s just try it.
I can’t stop thinking about what it would be like to fuck you, Molly. But it’s so much more than that.
Maybe we should take it day by day and see where it goes.
I’m crazy about you, Molly. So let’s just do this.
What? My heart clenched. “Pretend you didn’t see this, okay? Go to bed, and we’ll talk in the morning.”
“Okay.” She shrugged. “’Night, Molly.”
“Goodnight.”
I took the note to my room and sat on the bed, rereading it over and over.
When did Declan write this?
I wracked my brain and couldn’t figure it out. But the timing didn’t matter. This proved he had wanted to be with me at one point, even though something had stopped him from telling me. This was all the answer I needed. I’d gotten the very sign I’d asked for. Now…what was I going to do about it?
CHAPTER 33
* * *
Declan
I had no idea if I was making the right decision. Sitting on the runway, I stared out the window while my heart pounded in my chest.
What if I’m too late?
What if she tells me she’s in love with him?
What if she can’t see a future for us as more than good friends?
The other alternative should have brought me relief…
What if she loves me back?
But instead, that thought made me sweat even more.
What if she loves me back?
What if she gave up the opportunity for a stable life with a decent guy, and all I could give her was long periods of darkness where getting out of bed to go to work was the best I could do?
What if things got worse and someday it affected my job, and I couldn’t even provide for us?
I stared at the cabin door. I was sitting in row seven, and people were still boarding the plane. The seat next to me hadn’t even been filled yet. If I wanted to, I could grab my bag from the overhead compartment and bolt out the door. Molly had no idea I was coming, so it wasn’t like she’d be disappointed.
Beads of sweat trickled down the back of my neck even though th
e AC was blowing right on me. I continued to watch passengers pass, inwardly freaking out as the plane filled up and my time to escape ticked away. At one point, a gigantic man stopped at my row of seats. He had to be at least six foot six and easily three-hundred pounds of muscle.
He lifted a suitcase into the overhead compartment and stepped into the empty aisle seat next to me. Buckling, he apologized. “Sorry if I encroach, man. I usually try to fly first class for the wider seats, but they didn’t have any open.”
“No problem.”
I kept staring at the cabin door.
“Nervous flier?” he asked.
I guess the guy noticed the anxiety wafting from every one of my pores. I let out an exasperated sigh. “Not usually.”
“Well, the weather’s supposed to be good today. Should be a smooth flight. Try not to stress.”
I nodded.
But a minute later, my leg started to bop up and down. The gap between people boarding began to space out. We’re almost done. Any minute now, that damn door was going to slam closed. I unbuckled my seatbelt and stood, then abruptly sat back down and raked my hands through my hair.
“You sure you’re alright?” my seatmate asked. “You’re making me a little nervous the way you’re acting.”
Shit. I guess I’d be freaked out watching someone act sketchy on a plane these days, too. “Sorry. Don’t mean to worry you. I just…I’m going to see someone, and I’m not sure I’m making the right decision.”
The tree trunk of a man actually looked a little relieved. He nodded. “Must be a woman?”
“Yeah…”
“Well, that explains why you look terrified.” He smiled. “You look like you might shit your pants. When I was six years old, my old man and my mom got into an argument. My old man was a big dude. He made me look tiny. He’d fucked up yet again—lost half his paycheck gambling, and Mom chased him out of the house. I’d been sitting out front on the porch, and he took the seat next to me and cracked open a beer. To this day, I’ve never forgotten what he said.”
“What?”
“He said, ‘Son, when you find a woman who scares the living hell out of you, marry her.’” The man chuckled. “My wife is five foot nothing, and I’m terrified of that little lady. Sometimes being scared of a woman can turn out to be the best thing in your life.”
I smiled halfheartedly. “Thanks.”
He nodded.
A few seconds later, the urge to flee felt like it was crushing my chest. I turned to my seatmate.
“Can you do me a favor?”
“What’s up?”
“Don’t let me get off this plane.”
He arched a brow. “You sure about that?”
I blew out a deep breath. “Absolutely.”
Tree Trunk folded his arms across his chest and stretched his thick legs out to block my passage. “You got it.”
***
I decided to check into a hotel. It felt weird while I was in Chicago, but I didn’t want Molly to feel pressured by me staying with her. If we had our talk and she told me she didn’t want to be with me, what would happen? I’d say goodnight and go to sleep in the room next to hers? That felt wrong. So I’d checked into a Hampton Inn around the corner from the hospital where she worked. Since it was late, I decided to try to get a good night’s sleep and wait until tomorrow to make contact. I wasn’t sure if she was working or not, so I thought I’d call around the time she normally got off.
But get a good night’s sleep turned out to be an unrealistic expectation. Instead, I tossed and turned all night, still unsure if I was doing the right thing. I wanted the best for Molly, and in the end, that might not be me.
The morning light didn’t bring much clarity either. I went downstairs to the free breakfast at 6AM for some much-needed coffee. After sufficiently caffeinating, I stared down at my phone, trying to decide what to text to her. In the end, I went with simple.
Declan: Hey. Are you just getting off work? I was hoping we could talk.
I felt like I was in middle school as I watched the message go from Sent to Received to Read. My pulse raced, and I started to perspire again. At least I probably wouldn’t have to wait very long. Molly was usually pretty fast at responding to texts.
But a half hour later, she hadn’t written back. Rather than sit around and wait for my phone to chime, I hopped in the shower and started to get ready for work—which was a whole different can of worms. My boss, of course, knew I was coming back to Chicago. Two days ago, I’d told him I wanted to check in on how things were turning out before deciding whether or not to stay. He’d been great about the last-minute change. But he’d left it up to me to let Julia know, and I hadn’t done that yet. Obviously, I had some loose ends to deal with there, too.
By eight forty-five, it was time to leave for the office, and I still hadn’t heard from Molly. I knew she’d read my text, so I assumed maybe she was stuck in a delivery or something. I hated to leave for work without talking to her, but the ball was in her court now.
At the office, I found Julia in the conference room. The walls were all glass, so I could see in from the hall, but she was busy and didn’t notice me at first.
“Knock, knock,” I said opening the door.
“Declan!” Her whole face lit up. “What are you doing here?”
It looked like she’d been prepping for a meeting. A projector was set up at the head of the table, and she was placing packets of papers in front of each seat. But seeing me at the door, she stopped and rushed over. Since the conference room was a fishbowl, she looked outside in the hallway to check whether the coast was clear before reaching up and wrapping her arms around my neck. Julia pushed her tits up against my chest and came in for a kiss. Luckily, I managed to turn my head in time, and her lips landed on my cheek instead.
Ben, one of the two junior account executives they’d sent to replace me, came walking down the hall, so I lifted my chin and cleared my throat. “Ben.”
Julia probably assumed that was why I’d avoided the lip-lock and stepped back.
“Hey, Declan. How are you?” Ben said. “Julia didn’t mention you were coming.”
“She didn’t know.”
Julia beamed. “He surprised me.”
Great. Now she thought I’d wanted to surprise her rather than avoid talking to her.
“Does that mean I’m heading back to corporate early?”
I nodded. “It might. I told corporate we’d get together and see where things are and how many hands we need here before the launch.”
Julia’s eyes sparkled. “Oh, I know exactly the hands I need and where.”
Shit.
I was relieved when people started to file into the conference room for the meeting. It gave me a chance to escape Julia’s claws, but also and more importantly, to check my phone. Julia loved to put on a good show, so I took a seat and let her bask in the limelight while I surreptitiously stared at my cell, hoping to see a new message pop up.
The meeting lasted more than two long hours, but it wasn’t until five minutes before the end that my phone finally buzzed. My blood started to pump. But it was only Belinda checking in on me. I didn’t want to disappoint her, so I responded as vaguely as I could without lying.
Belinda: How you doing, cowboy?
I texted back.
Declan: Hanging in there. Waiting to talk to Molly now.
Belinda: Go get ’em, loverboy. Let all us girls know how you make out. We’re rooting for you.
Great. Now I was going to let down an entire lesbian bar if I struck out with Molly.
After the meeting broke up, people who had come in late stopped to say hello and welcome me back. When it was just Julia, me, and the two other account execs from corporate, she turned her focus back to me. “Why don’t you and I get an early lunch to catch up?”
“Umm…” I glanced down at my phone, which still had no new notifications, and nodded. “Sure. That’s a good idea.”
We walked to a deep
-dish pizza joint two blocks from the office. Julia requested a booth, and a waitress came over to deliver waters and pass us each a menu. The minute she was gone, Julia got up from the other side of the table and slid into my side of the booth.
“What are you doing?” I looked over at her, confused.
She grinned, and suddenly I felt a hand on my thigh beneath the table.
“Uh, that’s not a good idea.”
She slid her hand up farther and cupped my junk. “No one can see.”
I covered her hand and removed it from between my legs. “Do you think you can sit on the other side so we can talk?”
She pouted. “All business and no fun makes Declan a dull boy.”
But when I didn’t acquiesce, she rolled her eyes and sighed. She also moved back across from me.
“Listen, Julia. You’re a great girl, but…”
She blinked a few times, and then her head reared back like she’d been slapped. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”
“What?”
“You’re going to give me the it’s not you, it’s me speech?”
“Well…I…we…” I sighed and ripped the Band-Aid off. “I’m sorry. I met someone. And I’m really crazy about her.”
“In Wisconsin?” She folded her arms across her chest. “That was fast.”
I shook my head. “No, here in Chicago.”
“What do you mean here in Chicago? How long have you been back?”
“I just got in last night.”
“So how did you meet someone here in Chicago?”
I dragged a hand through my hair. “I’m in love with Molly.”
Her entire face twisted. “Molly? As in your roommate?”
I nodded.
“When did this happen?”
God, this sucked. But I owed Julia the truth. “I guess it happened over time, while I was living here. It was slow, but then it sort of hit me all at once.”
She shook her head. “So you’re telling me while we were hooking up, you were falling in love with another woman?”
Not Pretending Anymore Page 25
