The realization disturbed her. To somehow be connected with God, to be under his control and authority, to surrender—it wasn’t “her.” But it was what she longed for. It struck her as a strange bargain. Her life, failures and all, in exchange for God’s favor.
“But you’re so perfect,” she argued aloud with God. “You have everything. Why would you want me?” She knew the answer. She had known it since she left L.A. Even if a father has absolutely everything, he still wants to be on harmonious terms with his daughter. Before Jessica realized what she was doing, she began to cry. “I’m sorry,” she whispered into the unseen ear of her heavenly Father. “I’m sorry. Forgive me. If you really want me, you can have me. I want to know you. I surrender.” She sobbed softly and whispered again, “I surrender to you, God.”
Jessica heard the sound of a car engine coming down the road. I’m saved! she thought jubilantly, peering into the darkness. But only darkness was in front of the truck. Then she caught a glimmer of a headlight in the side mirror, and she froze.
That can’t be Kyle. He would come from the other direction. What if it’s… She didn’t want to think of the possibilities. A deserted road in the middle of the night was no place for a woman to be under the best of circumstances. Sitting alone in a disabled truck in the middle of Mexico was the worst she could imagine.
The vehicle stopped behind her. She could hear loud men’s voices as they approached the truck. One of them laughed the clumsy guffaw of a drunkard.
Jessica knew the doors were locked. Still, she felt like a sitting duck. The men stopped at the back of the U-Haul and tried the door. It rattled but didn’t open. She knew they would be coming to the front any second now! With no time to lose, Jessica slid to the floor on the passenger side of the truck and covered herself with the pile of sleeping bags from the seat. She lay frozen in one position, barely allowing herself to breathe. Terrified, she listened in the darkness. Someone tried the door handle on the driver’s side, found it locked and kept rattling it. Someone else did the same on the passenger’s side. Jessica felt as if her heart would beat right out of her chest and knock the sleeping bags off the top of her. She imagined the men looking inside, trying to decide if it was worth the effort to break the window.
Just then one of them called from the back of the truck. With her back pressed against the floor, Jessica could feel the vibration of the back door being rolled open, exposing all their luggage and Kyle’s expensive camping gear. The men by the front windows abandoned their quest and joined the others at the back of the truck. From the hoots and hollers, Jessica could picture them looting the back of the truck, taking as much as they could as fast as they could.
She stayed frozen in her twisted position on the floor, praying they wouldn’t break open the front windows and steal her camouflage. Then she heard it, the sound of their vehicle’s motor starting up and rumbling past her down the dirt road. Jessica swallowed great gulps of air trying to calm down and convince herself she was now safe. They were gone.
For the next five minutes or so, she remained paralyzed in her hiding place, not daring to pop up her head. She imagined a twisted face pressed against the window staring in at her. Not one of Bill’s “squashed bug” imitation faces, but a man’s drunken face.
Oh, God! Where are you? Save me! Protect me!
An inexplicable peace began to come over Jessica. Her heart rate returned to normal, and she felt almost comfortable, tucked in her little hiding place. It occurred to her that she was indeed safe. Nothing had happened to her. God had protected her. It made her think of some of the other “coincidences” that had occurred in the past few weeks: Kyle being there when the accident happened; the zucchini from her garden; the groceries on her doorstep, with DoveBars included. And now, the covering of the sleeping bags that had been tossed into the front seat so haphazardly.
Before this trip Jessica might have written those circumstances off as “fate.” Now she felt differently. In these past few days, God had become real to her, and she desired a relationship with him. Jessica thought about those “pockets of grace” Teri spoke of the day the groceries appeared. Nestled among the thick sleeping bags, Jessica felt as if she had fallen literally into one of those pockets of grace. Closing her eyes, she slept.
Forty minutes or so passed. Yet her sleep felt as if it had lasted hours, long enough to give her a second wind and the mental strength to think through what she should do next. Crawling from her little pocket, Jessica looked out both windows. No twisted faces awaited her. She reviewed the situation. Their goods had been pillaged from the back of the truck, but hopefully, the others would see that those were only things, things that could be replaced. She could leave the truck and try walking to the main road, but it was just past midnight and inky black outside. There was also the mud and rain to consider. At least she was dry and fairly protected in the locked cab of the truck. The best she could do was sit and wait. And pray.
“God,” she spoke into the stillness, “thank you.” Jessica paused and then started to laugh at herself for speaking to someone who was invisible. “I hope you understand this is all new to me.” Jessica shifted her position on the cab bench seat. “Obviously you do, since you know everything. I just don’t want to ever lose this feeling, this awareness of you.”
For quite some time Jessica sat peacefully, taking inventory of her life. Things were still complicated. Very complicated. Every so often a fearful thought flickered across her mind. What if the men came back for the rest of the loot? Would the “banditos” break her windows the next time? How long would it take before Kyle noticed she wasn’t behind him? When would he turn around and come back? Would he be able to find her on this desolate dirt road?
Suddenly, headlights shone through the driving rain down the road in front of her. Jessica’s first impulse was to jump out of the car and flag down the driver. Then she realized it could be the thieves returning. Would her hiding place keep her safe a second time?
Jessica dropped to the floor and covered herself with sleeping bags. Her heart began to beat frantically. She felt overwhelmed with as much fear as she had experienced the first time, if not more, because now she knew the chances were greater they would come after the sleeping bags. She couldn’t pray. She couldn’t think. For a moment she felt she couldn’t even breathe.
The vehicle stopped. A car door slammed. The noise of the rain on the roof and hood of the truck masked the sound of the voices that had been so boisterous the last time. Jessica pressed her quivering lips together as the handle of the driver’s door rattled. It rattled some more, and then Jessica’s heart stopped. They had managed to open the door!
Chapter Seventeen
The door of the cab opened slowly. There were no sounds. No movement. No voices. Had they seen her? Jessica felt her whole body shake. She closed her eyes and begged God to save her.
“Jess? Jessica? Are you in here?”
“Kyle?”
“Where are you?”
Jessica forced her paralyzed fists to open and push away the sleeping bags. “Down here. I’m down here.” She crawled out of her pocket and up onto the seat where Kyle was leaning over, reaching out a strong hand to help her up.
“Are you okay?”
Jessica let Kyle pull her all the way up. She impulsively threw her arms around his neck and began to sob.
“What happened, Jess?” he spoke softly, wrapping his arms around her and pressing his lips against her ear.
A wave of a new emotion washed over Jessica, and she pulled away. With both fists clenched, she pounded Kyle’s chest. “You left me, that’s what happened! Why did you leave me?”
Kyle grabbed both her wrists and held them fast. “I didn’t know.” His words were firm. “I didn’t see you leave the road.”
“A truck cut in front of me, and I followed it here.” She began to cry again. “I blinked, but you didn’t stop.”
“I thought you were behind me. I didn’t realize I’d lost you. I’m
so sorry, Jessica. It must have been terrifying to be stuck here.”
“They came and looted the truck,” she said, controlling her tears and pulling the rein in on her emotions.
“Who came?” Kyle stroked her hair and wiped her tears with his steady hand.
“Some men. They broke open the back of the truck. I don’t know what’s left.”
Kyle pulled Jessica to his chest and held her close. “Oh, Jess, I’m sorry. No wonder you were hiding. They didn’t see you?”
“I don’t think so. I thought you were them. Coming back for these sleeping bags.” Jessica could hear Kyle’s heart beating with a thick, steady rhythm as she surrendered herself to his embrace. They held each other silently for a minute before Kyle pulled away. He had one leg still outside the truck, one leg bent under the steering wheel, and his arms stretched across the seat to hold her.
“I’m going to see what they took. I’ll be right back.”
“I’m going with you,” Jessica said, slipping across the seat and joining Kyle outside in the rain, which had slowed to a drizzle. Kyle put his arm around her shoulders, and they walked through the mushy mud to the back of the truck. The lock on the back had been broken off, and the door was still rolled up. All that was left were the two empty ice chests, three pieces of luggage, and one sleeping bag.
“Wow, they sure cleaned us out,” Kyle said. Jessica wondered if he would be upset at the loss. He seemed to take it in stride. “I’m just glad you’re okay,” he said, wrapping his arms around her once more.
Jessica circled his middle with her arms and leaned her head against his shoulder. She thought of how good Kyle felt and how she fit so perfectly in his embrace. She belonged here. Don’t ever let go.
“What I think we should do,” Kyle said, “is load up what’s left in the back of the van and drive back to Mexicali. The rest of the group is at the border control station. We can’t pull the truck out of the mud tonight. We’ll go to a motel on the American side of the border, and then I’ll come back in the morning with a tow truck.”
Jessica helped load the luggage into the van. Kyle locked the truck with his second set of keys and did his best to close the broken door on the back so it would at least keep out the rain. Jessica hopped up into the front passenger seat of the van, and Kyle turned the key in the ignition.
Nothing happened. He tried again. All they heard was a faint clicking sound.
“I don’t believe this!” Kyle said, banging his fist on the steering wheel. “It sounds like the battery.” He popped the hood, fished under the front seat for a flashlight, and then hopped out in the rain to examine the stubborn beast. “Try starting it now,” he called to Jessica.
She reached over and turned the key. Nothing.
“Try it now.”
She did and again nothing.
Kyle slammed the hood and hustled back into the front seat, shaking the wet from his jacket before hopping in. “I don’t know what the problem is.”
They were silent for a moment.
“I guess we’re stuck,” he said. “It’ll be daylight in about…,” he checked his watch with the flashlight, “four hours. We can walk out to the main road for help then. It would be foolish for us to try it now.”
“What about Teri and the rest of the group?” Jessica asked.
“They’ll be okay. At least I know where they are. They have shelter, couches, and a candy bar machine. That’s more than we have,” Kyle said.
Jessica wanted to say, “But I have you, and I feel safe now.” Instead she said, “I’m glad you found me.”
“I have to tell you,” Kyle said, turning so that his back rested against the closed door, and he was facing Jessica, “I was pretty scared there for awhile.”
“You were scared!” Jessica said, following Kyle’s example and leaning against her closed door to face him. “This night ranks among the very worst of my life.” Then remembering her conversations with God, she added, “And I guess it also ranks among the very best.”
“What do you mean?”
Now Jessica wasn’t sure what to say. She thought Kyle would be pleased about this milestone on her spiritual journey, yet she didn’t know how to express it. Kyle waited patiently while she searched for the words. Finally she said, “I sort of came to terms with God. I guess you could say that in my spiritual journey I’ve fallen on my face.”
In the darkness, she couldn’t see Kyle’s face. She sensed a deeper warmth in his voice as he said, “And?”
“And…I’ve surrendered. It’s a big step for me, trusting God like this. He never really seemed to be on my side before.”
“But now you’re on his side,” Kyle suggested.
Jessica nodded. “I don’t know how to say it, but I know everything is different.”
Kyle reached across the open space between the two seats and grasped Jessica’s hand. He squeezed it three times, and in a rather hoarse voice he said, “I am so, so glad. Eternity begins tonight, Jess. You’re saved.”
She thought those were awfully bold words. Yet his hand felt warm and secure blanketing hers.
“You’re cold,” Kyle said. “Let me get you a sleeping bag.” He crawled to the back of the van and brought back two sleeping bags. Unzipping the first one, Kyle placed it over Jessica and tucked part of the puffy down bag behind her back. He used the second one as a back rest between himself and the cold window on the driver’s side. Then, looping his left arm over the top of the steering wheel, he asked, “Do you want to try to sleep?”
Jessica couldn’t help but admire Kyle’s chivalrous acts. What she really wanted to do was talk. She had let herself become more vulnerable with Kyle than she ever had intended. She didn’t know what would happen to them back in the “real world,” where she had to carefully guard herself.
However, tonight, for the next four hours, they were alone. Completely alone. If ever she had an opportunity to find out about this man, it was now. She wasn’t sure what she would do with the information. She knew she shouldn’t process it in terms of Kyle being someone she would become attached to. That would mean she would have to tell him the truth about her life, and she couldn’t do that. For now, she could listen. She could hear from Kyle’s own lips why he was interested in her and why he had so patiently pursued her.
Before she lost her courage, Jessica said, “What I’d really like to do is listen to you.”
“Listen to me?”
“Yes, tell me about you.”
“What do you want to know?”
“About your family.”
“I have two younger brothers. One is a year younger, the other, three. My parents have been married for thirty-five years and have lived in the same house in Portland for thirty-one of those years. My father was a pilot. What else do you want to know?”
“What do you want to tell me?”
Kyle laughed. “I have a dog,” he said. “She’s the only other family member. Her name is Amber. She’s a golden retriever. Do you like dogs?”
“Sure. I like golden retrievers. They’re beautiful.” Jessica felt snug under the warm sleeping bag. She was trying to picture what it would be like to go hiking or camping with Kyle and have Amber curl up beside her at the campfire at night.
“What about you?” Kyle asked.
“I don’t have a dog,” Jessica said.
“I know you don’t have a dog. What about your family?”
“Well,” Jessica began slowly, “my mom died when I was eight. My dad is a businessman, and I grew up in southern California. There’s not much to tell. I always wanted to live in a small town and be a teacher. I guess I’m doing what I’ve always wanted.” She hoped Kyle would be satisfied with her answer and not probe any further. She quickly thought of a question for him. “Did you always want to be a firefighter?”
“Don’t all little boys?” Kyle said. “Actually, I came by it in an unusual way. I thought about being a school counselor or football coach because I liked teenagers and I wanted t
o work with them. But then, about four years ago, I ended up taking care of an elderly woman for awhile, and I decided I wanted to help people medically and then volunteer my time to work with teens. And that’s what I’m doing.”
Jessica surmised that the elderly woman was Thelma. She wanted to hear more. “Was the woman ill?” she ventured, wondering if she should come right out and tell him that she knew about Thelma.
“She had cancer.”
“Tell me the whole story,” Jessica said. “I’d really like to hear it.”
Kyle let out a heavy sigh. “Her name was Thelma Atkins. She was the dearest woman you would ever hope to meet. She prayed for me every day. I don’t mean a little sentence. She prayed for hours. An amazing woman.” For the next ten minutes Kyle proceeded to tell Jessica about Thelma and repeated what Dawn had already told her about Lindsey coming to help out and then dying a few months before Thelma did.
“You and Lindsey were engaged?” Jessica asked, since Kyle hadn’t yet used that term.
“Yes. She was only nineteen when we got engaged. I suppose we thought we knew what we were doing. Our engagement didn’t even last two months before she died.”
“What did she die of?” Jessica asked.
Kyle didn’t answer. Jessica remembered that Dawn said it was pneumonia. In the darkness, Jessica couldn’t tell if Kyle had floated off in his memory or if he had clammed up. His words had seemed so intimate and sincere up to this point. Jessica wasn’t sure if she had overstepped her boundaries. It didn’t bother her to hear about Lindsey. She felt the same sympathetic camaraderie as she had in the graveyard when thinking of her mother’s death.
“I’m sorry if I’m being too nosy,” Jessica said.
“No, that’s all right.” Kyle paused and then said, “Lindsey died of AIDS.”
Jessica never expected to hear that.
“No one knows,” Kyle added quickly. “I’m not sure why I felt I could tell you. Besides Dr. Laughlin, who maintains professional confidentiality, no one else in Glenbrooke knows. Thelma never knew. It would have broken her heart.”
Secrets Page 16
