I went to bed that night, feeling better than when I had woken up—until the nightmare started ruining my sense of peace.
Chapter Twelve
Mia
I was on edge all day, thanks to the nightmare I’d had about Wallace leaving me in the middle of the ocean where I was beaten by wave after wave during a storm.
He’d said once that he was going to drop me off in the middle of the ocean to face my fears. The thought terrified me so much that I refused to go near him or the water for months. He would have left me there and then driven off and kept himself out of reach before picking me back up. He had sworn, it was a joke, but I always believed, if some part of you joked about it, then you could do it.
One of the many asshole-ish things he’d said he’d do. Jerk.
Logan had texted me earlier and told me that I needed to write down things I was afraid of. I’d thought about lying, not wanting him to use that knowledge against me, but I sent him a text with my answers despite that fear in itself.
Snakes.
Open water.
Storms.
Heights.
Snakes just freaked me out. They slithered, they flicked their tongues, and they looked like they wanted to eat you. Some of them totally could, you know. I’d seen the videos online of a snake eating an alligator. Human wasn’t far off.
Open water. Well, thanks to my nightmare, that fear was fresh in my mind, brought up by that memory of Wallace, but also, when I was younger, I had fallen off my father’s boat in a storm. In Florida, my home since I was born, storms seemed to come out of nowhere. I had been wearing my life jacket, but it’d still frightened the shit out of me. So, while I loved the beach, swimming, and water, I was not a fan of being somewhere I couldn’t see land without being on a boat.
My fear of thunderstorms had come from that day, too. The lightning shooting across the ocean, scaring me like I was going to be electrocuted, and the booming thunder echoing over the waves, making my screams for help hard to hear.
I was alive and okay, but I didn’t like being out in the rain. When thunderstorms rolled in, as they frequently did in the evenings of the summer, I’d grab a glass of wine and snuggle in my bed. I needed a thunder buddy, like in that stupid teddy bear movie Wallace had made me watch years ago.
Ugh, Wallace. He’d never held me close during the storms or anything. He’d just told me it was okay and kept on reading.
The more I thought about him lately, the angrier and more resentful I felt.
Something I’d talk to Logan about. Maybe he could exorcise the Wallace demon out of my head, and I’d feel free of him. Next time I saw Logan, it would be on my list—right below asking him why he wanted to know my fears.
Like my fear of heights. I’d jumped out of a tree house when I was sixteen to get a game for my cousins. I’d done the jump many times before then, but this time, I landed on a tree root, and that was all she wrote. I looked at the kid standing in front of me and told him to get help. Then, the pain had erupted, and my screams could be heard for miles. I was a complete pansy when it came to pain, and I used to be on the dramatic side, so of course, the whole experience caused trauma in my head.
Heights were a part of my life, but I was always holding on to a railing or something to keep me grounded. I even pulled a Pretty Woman, wanting the best rooms with balconies, but I rarely went out on them.
I shook the memory and tried to focus on my tasks ahead.
Jay had set out my calendar for the month for me to go over, and I was feeling tired already. Two board meetings to talk about our last quarter, which was up by twelve percent from last year. One trip to my hotel in Las Vegas to run over the plans for a new casino wing with the contractor. One charity event, which I had yet to formally accept my invitation. Pep talk with the new recruits this week, as was tradition. One I’d started and been doing once a month since I opened my business. It helped workers, even the ones low on the totem pole, feel a bit more comfortable and see me as a real person. Not some overlord who wanted to fire them if they made one small mistake. I liked my hotels to feel comfortable for workers, and like we were a family.
And, lastly …
“What the hell?” I stared at the calendar and paged Jay.
He walked in with a smile on his face, knowing very well why I’d called him in.
“Care to explain?” I pointed to the day in two weeks where it had Have sex with Logan in bold font.
My cheeks flushed as I thought about it, which only made my assistant smile wider. Little twit.
“I’m just thinking of you, boss. Not sure what your relationship is with him, but I acted in your best interest. You need to get laid.”
Jay knew I wouldn’t fire him—he was too important to me—but come on, man. This was so inappropriate.
“Thank you for the concern, Jay, but I’ve hired him to be my life coach, not my sex partner.” I rolled my eyes.
While his intention was sweet, I would not be sleeping with Logan in two weeks—or any other weeks.
“The fact that you just said ‘sex partner’ instead of fuck buddy shows me how badly you need to get laid. I might need to bump that appointment up sooner.” Jay frowned and came over to gently pat my hand—a pity pat for his sexless boss.
“You’re lucky I like you.”
“Nah, I’m not lucky. I’m just the only person you can’t push away like everyone else. I’m with you for life, Mia.” He was joking, but his words hit something inside regardless.
Instead of joking back with him or rolling my eyes again, I had to ask him a burning question inside me. “Have I really pushed everyone away?”
Not that I had too many friends to begin with—creating an empire was sort of a lonely road—but I’d had people I hung out with from time to time. But, lately, I’d seen that they were out and had never thought to invite me. Or check on me, for that matter.
“You’ve kinda become a hermit. A cute one. But you’re about one split end from looking like a troll doll. We might even need to get you a gem for your belly button.” He sat on the front of my desk and gave me another pity pat, added with a pity expression on his cute face.
“I’m a hermit,” I stated.
He nodded. “You turned down every offer to go out with your old friends because you were busy working, and then that dick ex-husband of yours sort of helped isolate you. Your life was him, work, and I assume you ate somewhere in there. Everyone has stopped calling, and to me, good riddance. You don’t need people who are only around when you’re up on cloud nine. True friends are the ones who check on you when it’s been a few days, the ones who barge into your life and make you talk to them to let the steam out of the pot. And they’re the ones who tried to get you laid by your super-hot life coach because you need some good dick. Exhibit A: good friend.” He smugly pointed to himself, and that earned him the eye roll he’d been expecting and come to enjoy bringing out of me.
He was right though. I’d isolated myself, and the only person I could be mad at was myself. I had been so consumed by my job and my husband that I truly lost myself and everything around me.
“I’m sorry.”
Jay was one of the only people who talked to me like a friend. He was there for me anytime I needed him.
“You’re my boss, but you’re also my friend. Even though you’ve never let me tap that,” he teased with a wink.
I had to let the chuckle inside me escape. Jay was very much straight and a very confident man. He could talk with me about if another man was attractive and then jump straight into a conversation about the woman he’d slept with the night before.
“I am sorry if I’ve tried to push you away. Intentionally or not.” I gripped that hand of his that had pity-patted me and gave it a little squeeze.
“I know you weren’t doing any of this on purpose. You’ve just been a little lost, and I like being your GPS sometimes. Always around if you need me.”
I smiled and felt my chest tighten with love fo
r my friend while the muscles in my back loosened.
“I should have just hired you to be my life coach.” I laughed and sat back in my chair, removing my hand from his.
“I would have rocked your world, baby.” He stood and patted the desk with three thuds before strutting out of my office.
Once the door closed behind my assistant, I started to feel sad that I’d truly let myself go down this rabbit hole, and I had been too blind to see it happening.
But, before I could keep going down into the pit of despair, I shook my head and took a few deep breaths. “Not today, Satan. Not today.”
I banished thinking negative thoughts and went about looking over the inventory reports from our month’s new menu.
Two hours later, Jay was opening the door to let Logan in with a wink on his mischievous assistant face before leaving us alone in my office.
Great. I could feel the blush reddening my cheeks as I sat there, looking at my life coach.
Chapter Thirteen
Logan
Mia was quite flushed when I casually walked into her office. Jay had also been acting a bit different since the last time I was in here.
“Logan. Please sit in the principal’s chair.” She smiled and gestured for me to sit across the table.
Gotta admit, she was hot behind the desk. Had teacher vibes written all over her today. Hair in a messy bun, I bet she had a tight black pencil skirt under that desk that accented the sleeveless blue button-up blouse. She would be wearing knockout heels to complement the outfit, I was sure.
“Thanks. I’m going to hang out with you today for a bit—kinda shadow you around, if you will. We can also chat as much as you want or need. I am here for you, and I think today would be a good day to check out your daily life.”
All part of the process.
“Great. I don’t really have much to do today. There’s a wedding tonight in the Lily Ballroom, so I will be looking over everything to make sure it’s good and then back to computer work. But there are a few things I’d like to talk about.”
I sat up in my chair, eagerly waiting to hear what topic she wanted to discuss. So far, our conversations had been brought up by me. This one was being initiated by her, so trust between us must be growing. Excellent.
The fingers on her right hand started playing with a pen, tapping it against a notepad on her desk. A clear indication she was nervous or didn’t want to bring up this subject.
Come on, Mia. Be brave and talk to me.
I waited quietly, not pressuring her to come out with it since that would do nothing to help her. She had to do this on her own.
“I think I have some issues about my ex, and I’m wondering if you could do your little life coach magic and make me get over him. Everything so far has opened my eyes and made me aware of myself in little ways. I’ve noticed he comes up in my thoughts a lot, and there are not good emotions with him. And I never thought these words would come out of my mouth, but I think he really messed me up more than I suspected he had.”
She was always in control and moving on. Accomplishing the next big thing while completely ignoring her feelings. No doubt she had issues that she’d been putting off or was in denial about since they split.
She waited for me to say something, like I could wave my magical hands and she’d be cured of whatever pain she held inside herself. She wasn’t ready for this step, but I’d give it to her straight nonetheless. Her eyes were watching me with complete attention, looking for a smile or anything that would hint as to what I was going to say.
“That’s a simple fix.”
A smile grew on her lips, and I felt bad for what I was going to state next. Undoubtedly, those upturned corners would fall in the opposite direction.
“What do I have to do?”
“Forgive him.”
I was right. That smile turned upside down, and her eyebrows pinched as she tried to piece together what I’d said and if I’d truly said what she thought I did.
“I’m confused.”
“You want to feel better and not have those emotions tied to him? Then, you need to forgive him and let him go. I don’t think you’re ready for this step, and that’s okay. One day, you will be, and you’ll be so much better. But forgiveness can’t be rushed. It comes when you realize that you don’t need that pain anymore. You’ll forgive him, and it’ll be like you shed a dead part of yourself off. Wounds don’t heal until you stop touching them. Same goes for mental wounds.”
She did not like my answer. That was clear in the frown and deadpan look her eyes were giving me.
“So, I just let it all go? That’s it? The key to my happiness is letting go of the bad shit?”
I nodded. It was really that simple for one aspect of life. Letting shit go, moving on.
“Right now, you have to see yourself like a caterpillar in a cocoon. You’re growing, you’re learning, you’re figuring your shit out. When you’re ready, you’ll push past your barriers, and you’ll become the butterfly of your dreams.
“Or, if you prefer a non-inspirational way of thinking, you’re stuck in the mud, and you can’t get out. Best thing to do while you’re there is make mud masks or mud angels and enjoy the moment for what it is. Be in it; bask in it. Because it will end, and if you don’t feel all the emotions, if you don’t try to grow, then when it’s over, you’ll have learned nothing. This is your mud bath, Mia. Whatever you’re feeling, actually feel it. Don’t just ignore and push on. Feel the pain; feel the hurt that you didn’t let yourself fully embrace. Then, one day, you’ll be able to move on. You’ll be free.”
I really hoped my long-winded words of encouragement hit her somewhere inside, that she could see the truth in my words and would be patient. Healing took time, even as much as everyone hated that. It was one of the reasons so many people in our world walked around with heavy weights of the past on their shoulders; they didn’t want to heal or take the time to heal. It was much easier to hold on to pain than it was to face it and let it go.
“You say I’m not ready, but what if I am? How do I forgive him?”
She wanted to push on and do this even though I could tell she wasn’t there. She could try, but it wouldn’t work until she truly felt it.
I let out a deep breath and told her, “Okay, here’s what you can do. Write an angry hate letter to him or to anyone that you realize you need to forgive. Get out all the pain and emotions and everything else you want to say to him. Then, write a forgiveness letter. Letting it go and telling him that you forgive him. You have to read it out loud but not to him. Never, under any circumstances, give this letter to the person it’s written to. It won’t change anything, and nine times out of ten, you won’t get what you want from them. If they were sorry, they would have said it by now, and it would be over. So, no giving it to them.” I narrowed my eyes in her direction.
That part was hard because everyone who felt wronged wanted the person who had done the wronging to make amends or to speak their feelings so that they could hear them and repent. But that wasn’t the way things worked, and it would only hurt the wronged in the end.
She nodded.
I kept going, satisfied she’d heard my warning, “After you read it out loud to either me or a trusted friend, we’ll burn them and let them drift off into space. Taking your pain with them.”
Forgiveness was an ongoing thing people did throughout their lives. It wasn’t just a one-and-done thing.
Feelings of peace filled my chest as I remembered when I’d written my own forgiveness letters to my ex and my parents. It was a freeing moment in my life, and I wished every person on earth could experience it.
“You said it was simple.” She didn’t have the pep in her voice as she had when I first walked in.
Hopefully, together we could change her feelings later, cheer her up a bit past right now.
“It is simple but not easy. Forgiving someone who’s wronged you is never easy. That’s why it’s so important to do. Right now, all that
is holed up inside you, festering, holding control over your actions and thoughts, even right now.”
This step usually came closer to the end, when the client was confident and had broken past all their patterns and walls inside themselves. Their issues were almost never someone else or an outside influence. It was all from the inside. The hardest part of a human to fix.
“Okay, that’s not at all what I was expecting, but I can see how it might help.”
It really would, and I was excited for when that day came for Mia. But today was not that day.
“So, how about we do something else? Look at wedding decorations?” I suggestively waggled my eyebrows, hoping it would get her to cheer up.
While she smiled, I could tell she was taking in everything I’d said to heart, thinking over each word, even as she agreed that we should go look at the Lily Ballroom together.
Chapter Fifteen
Mia
Logan was patient and quiet as he watched me check over a list of what was left to do for the wedding on the books and even walked around, looking at the art, while I talked with the wedding planner. A lot of CEOs didn’t get involved in stuff like this, but I liked to. Something about helping people have the best day possible for their wedding made me happy. I wanted everything to go off without a problem, so I tried to take part in the process when I could. My event planner, Denise, was sick today, so I thought I’d step in for this, and her assistant, Meghan, would take over later.
Once everything was in its proper place and the ballroom had been transformed into a Disney-inspired reception, I felt okay to leave Meghan to finish out the job.
“Sorry if you were bored.” I walked over to Logan, who had kept his gaze on me and then ended up helping some of the men arrange tables like he worked here.
“I wanted to be here. It was interesting, watching you work. I’m sure there are parts of your job you don’t care for, like most people, but this part, you really light up for.” He smiled and shoved his hands in his jean pockets, waiting for what was next on the agenda.
Inspired Page 5
