“Goodnight,” he says, smiling.
“Ooo, got to love a woman with an axe.”
“Shut up it’s not like I live in the Ritz,” Jo says, locking the door behind me and setting down a large axe.
“No I just love that that’s how you answer the door---hello nutcase,” I say, cocking my head at Lizzie who is sitting upside down on a chair trying to levitate the sofa. She’s getting it up in bits but not evenly.
“I brought dinner,” I say, holding up a greasy paper bag.
“Cool, thanks,” Jo says, kissing my cheeks and taking it, “Better than what we typically eat, eh Liz?”
“Yeah,” the little girl says.
“What were you up to all day?” Jo asks, going to get plates out.
“Mucking about in the flat, mostly,” I say, “Also, I decided on my next career.”
“Stalking me?” Jo asks.
“Tempting but no, I’m going to try to get a job with mechanics, that’s what I was always good at and my university studies have to count for something,” I say.
“You didn’t want to be a pilot?” she asks.
“No, never. Hated the idea, I didn’t mind being a gunner, it was all angles, precision, plus you know, getting to shoot the bad guys, but I was always good at machines and things,” I say, wheeling my chair over to the table. Lizzie army crawls over to examine it. She hasn’t seen me in it as much.
“That’s rotten. I’d always assumed they let you pick,” she says.
“No, needs of the Space Force. I think my mum is glad I’m well out of it, in a way. I mean obviously she doesn’t want me injured but she never liked me being in Space, even though she knew it was the best career I could have,” I say, taking out my tablet.
“That’d make sense, my parents were glad when I started tending bar because it was better than selling drugs which is what I used to do,” Jo says, making me laugh, “They still let me know what a vast disappointment I am to humanity, though.”
“Hmm, that’s rotten,” I say, “I don’t suppose I’m meeting them, then?”
“No, I shouldn’t think so, even though you are an upstanding individual they’d honestly probably think I was paying you to pretend to be with me,” Jo says, nudging Lizzie, “Come on, time to eat.”
“Okay,” Lizzie says, crawling into a chair.
“I was going to try going running in the park today, but my stumps were too sore and when I went by on my way here, I saw the police had it closed off for a murder,” I say.
“Oh, I heard about that,” Jo says, “That’s a fun guy actually.”
“What, you know who’s doing it?” I ask, amused.
“Not personally, no, but I’ve seen the articles, the fellow’s been doing it for years, leaving his victims skins hanging places, makes no bones about leaving obvious evidence that he’s a cannibal,” Jo says.
“What makes you think it’s a man?” I ask.
“A woman would never be so messy,” she says.
“Fair enough, what makes him fun?” I ask, “I would’ve thought he’d end up your guys’ target before anything else.”
“No, he always murders really rotten people----actually beat us to a couple of hits, so we sort of leave him be,” Jo says, “We call him ‘Cannibal dude’, like once or twice he got to a mark RIGHT before we did, and he’d leave these obnoxious little notes with dirty acrostics in them, saying things like, ‘you may be decent, but I am well fed’ things like that. but he generally picks rotten people, so you know, we never bother much about him, nor do the police as I understand.”
“That’s nice I suppose,” I say, shrugging.
“I wish he’d killed Darrin,” Lizzie says, startling us by speaking.
“He’s dead now, he’s not going to hurt you ever again,” Jo says, quickly.
“Still,” Lizzie says, “It was too late for some people.”
“Not you though,” I say, taking her hand which is shaking.
“Yeah,” she says, taking a deep breath.
“We’re not going to let anyone hurt you again, I promise,” Jo says, taking her other hand, “That’s what we’re here for, to make the world a better place.”
“Yes, we are, and a safe one, for you,” I say.
“It feels selfish but I get scared. I don’t want it to be too late for me someday,” she says.
“It won’t be. we’re always going to be here,” Jo says.
“Yes, we are,” I say, taking Jo’s other hand with my free one. She squeezes my fingers too. She was talking about Vindicta. And then she knows I was talking about the three of us.
“I had a nice night,” I say, as Jacob stands outside my door overtly acting like he doesn’t want to come in he’s so sweet there must be something deeply wrong with him.”So did I,” he says, “We could do it again---sometime---if you wanted to unless you had a nice time but like a nice time as in ‘sky diving was nice but I shan’t do that again’ which is fine because I appreciated you doing it so if you didn’t want to I’d live with that although I’d really really rather you did not that you should feel guilty like you should or---”
“I want to,” I say, holding up a hand to stop him, “Do something with you. again.”
“Okay,” he says, smiling.”Okay,” I say.”Goodnight, then,” he says.”Goodnight, then,” I say, slowly closing the door. I think about kissing his cheek. But like I said he’s so wonderful there’s bound to be something deeply wrong with him.
“And how is learning Russian coming?” Starr and his boyfriend are out wandering around being happy in the moonlight, they start a little at my approach. It’s after curfew so only critical persons should be out. I think I’m a critical person therefore I get to be. They don’t but I don’t care.
“Ne ochen’ khorosho, ya ne dumayu, chto ya voobshche razbirayus’ v kontseptsiyakh,” Starr responds, immediately, in perfect accent and dialect. “ya, veroyatno, dolzhen prosto otkazat’sya. Ya khochu, chtoby vy znali, chto ya chuvstvuyu sebya neudachey dlya vas I Kosmicheskikh voysk v tselom, I ya obeshchayu ----””Yes, you’re very clever, shut up and start on Mandarin,” I say, bothering to take a hand from my head to wave it at him dismissively. “Ty uveren? Yest’ nekotoryye nyuansy, kotoryye ya v svoyem slabom I slabom ume, vozmozhno, propustil,” Starr says, cheeky devil.”No, you’re fine,” I say, walking backwards for a minute to keep on arguing with him while I go where I want to.”Yes, sir,” Starr says, cockily, before turning and going his direction. The other salutes me loyally. Thorn just sees me flipping the two of them off.”Really, Major Card? I know you’re attempting to destroy this institution as we know it but you could be subtler---”
“Thorn not now, I’m busy—”
“It’s past the curfew I know you think you get to walk about but you’re not actually critical function and thinking what you are doing is critical does not actually count,” he sighs.”I’ve got to go and proclaim my undying love to Major Tom,” I say, desperately.”Again? Can’t it wait until morning she and half of the Space Forces are well aware of your undying love for her---”
“No, it can’t, it has to be tonight,” I say.”What am I saying? If he’s doing that he’s not setting things on fire---yeah you know what, go for it, good luck to you,” Thorne says.
“Yes, sir,” I say, happily, turning to jog away. **”Hey, you still dating the guy whose flat you sneaked into?” I ask. I’m emptying my dish cleaner and calling Jo. I feel like her family doesn’t check in on her enough. Or anybody checks in on her enough, really, so I try to.”Yeah, he’s a little crazy but I like him, so does Lizzie which says something,” she says.”Well that’s good,” I say.”Yeah, she hates men; so do I usually, maybe he isn’t a man---speaking of men, how did your date go?” she asks.”He’s awkward, sweet, and I’m almost positive he’s also Cannibal Dude,” I say.”What? Seriously?” Jo asks.”Talks about cooking all the time, but has micro expressions of disgust when I mention animal meat, oh and is very good at haiku and acrostics, sends them to m
e in messages,” I say.”Oh shit, what are you going to do?” Jo asks.”Um---” I wince.”You are not going to continue seeing him,” she says.”Remember the awkward sweet charming part of the description? I don’t get that that, much---like at all, and hey, I already know his biggest fault---”
“Yes, that he eats people,” Jo says.”I kill people,” I say, weakly.”Bad people, he does it to just people---”
“He picks his victims too---”
“And eats them! That is the definition of crazy and evil---”
“You say all men are crazy and evil---”
“This is proof that they are---”
“You found a sweet one,” I say.”Like I said, I’m pretty sure there’s something wrong with him, or he’s not actually human he could be a robot. Or a dog,” she says, resolutely.”I just want to be happy for a while, I want to do something normal I want to have fun, like people do. He’s a nice guy,” I sigh.”A nice guy who eats people.”
“Two things can be true.”
“Just don’t get eaten?””Okay.”**”Major Tom,” I call, across the field, we are walking between barracks buildings, on the edge of the Academy compound.”Yes, Major Card?” she asks, turning around to see me.”I must speak with you,” I say, jogging across to see her.”Major Card it’s late---what is it?” she asks stopping when she sees my face. I reach up to touch it, there’s something hot on my forehead. Blood, I’ve been rubbing my hands into my forehead again. Too much apparently. She reaches up to touch it as well, then thinks better of it.”That----that is what it is----,” I say, pointing at her hand that she just moved away, “Why are you so cross with me?”
“It’s nothing---”
“It’s not to do with stalking that woman lately, I know that, you’ve been cross with me for months---”
“No, I’ve not Titus---”
“Yes, yes you have I know you have, now tell me, what’ve I done?” I ask. “Nothing, it’s nothing---Titus just---”
“No, not just, not anything, there is something and I need to know,” I say, desperately, “I can’t live with you thinking this way---being this angry with me---”
“I’m not angry with you, Titus,” she says, shaking her head, “It’s nothing, I’m fine---we’re fine---”
“No we are not---there is a ‘we’ you just admitted there’s a ‘we’ but the ‘we’ is not okay, there’s been me and there’s been you but there hasn’t been a ‘we’ lately, please,” I beg her.
“There’s always been a ‘we’, Titus,” she sighs.”Please just tell me, I’ll move the stars to make it right,” I beg.”No, it’s nothing there is nothing---”
“There’s something I can tell, something’s been bothering, you ever since we got back from the last mission---was that what it was? That we got pressurization sickness? I had to bring us back to Kepler, Leavitt was dying he would’ve never survived if I’d taken us to the Ulysses---”
“Yes, Titus, he was dying, because you, the best pilot in the Force, crashed your ship and cut his legs off,” she cries, tears in her eyes, then she almost looks like she didn’t mean to say it.”What?” I ask, staring at her.”You are the cleverest, best pilot I’ve ever seen you always find a way out. I’ve seen you land in terrible conditions---why didn’t you then?” she asks, “Why then---why did you do that to him why couldn’t you do exactly what you do best?”
“You think that I would do something like that to him on purpose? How could you think I would do that?” that is exactly what I did.”I don’t I didn’t I just----I can’t help that I know—that I feel---that if anybody could’ve landed that ship, it was you----is you,” she says, helplessly.”How could you think that of me? You know me you know I would never, ever, betray my fellow Spaceman,” I lie, tears in my eyes.”You’re callous and you’re weird and----and I don’t think you would do that but---not on purpose---”
“Not even subconsciously, no, I would never, ever do that, I swear on Tess’ life, I never fly less than my best,” I say, raising my right hand, tears are flowing freely down both of our faces, now. I cannot lose her over this. How could I be so stupid? She knows my flying she knows what I’m capable of of COURSE she would suspect me before anyone else and it’s her, it has to be her that I treasure most in the world.”I’m sorry,” she hangs her head, “Of course you wouldn’t I’m sorry---that’s why I need to quit flying. Because I can’t get these things out of my head. I’ve lost too many friends, seen too many people die---I’m second guessing myself and worse than that, I’m second guessing you. When I know you and I do know if there’s one thing you’re true to, it’s flying.”
“I would never betray flying, or you,” I say, my voice cracking. I did. I betrayed both of them. the only things I love except Tess---and I haven’t betrayed her. at least I’ve kept that. “I know,” she says, stepping forward, “I’m sorry, Titus, like I said. it isn’t you, it’s me, and the way I look it at you---you’re so clever and confident and right all the time, it’s like you could move the stars if you wanted----so when that happened when something out of your control a mistake whatever you call it—happened, then I couldn’t believe it. and that’s on me. it’s not on you it’s me and the way I see things and that’s wrong. But that’s why I can’t fly the missions anymore. And it’s why I can’t be with you.”
“No,” I say, putting a hand to my head then jerking it away, “Just no---you can’t say that you’re all I want---I’ll do anything—change anything----be anything---so this can be all right---”
“Want something else,” she says, and then she walks away from me. I want to follow her. chase, run after her do anything to stop her from walking away from me anything. but I can’t. I just stand there hugging myself and crying.
Chapter 13
“H
ow can you just sit idly by and do nothing, you are commander of this ship doesn’t that mean anything to you?” I ask, slamming the door to Thorn’s office and holding onto the ceiling so I’m directly in front of him.
“Major Card, we’ve been over and over this you need to seriously focus on how you enter a room---”
“It’s been over a year, we cannot just let this go on, Jesus, how can you sit idly by content to wallow in a pit of your apathy while your men are suffering?” I ask.
“The only person suffering is you,” Thorn says, giving up on doing whatever he was trying to do before I walked in.
“And I am the most important person---he loves her, I can see it in his eyes, he wants her---I’m sixty five percent sure he’s trying to convince her to have sex with him---”
“You see I seriously don’t want or need to know that---”
“---worse than that---worse than that I think she’s starting to love him, and I can’t have that, I just can’t,” I say.
“I’m sorry, Card, if I could fix your love life I would---”
“I would too but she won’t let me she says there isn’t anything I can do---”
“And crawling on the floor kissing her feet and vowing your undying devotion to her didn’t do it so I don’t think---”
“You saw that?” I ask. One of my less dignified moments a few months ago. Don’t judge me, I’m desperate and what help are you?
“Kip did and has since told everybody he’s ever met---point being you have tried your hardest, you’re the smartest person here, Titus, if you can’t figure it out, nobody can,” he says.
“That’s not true, I refuse to admit defeat---I will not fail,” I say, “I’ve tried everything, even getting her drunk---”
“How wasted did you get?” he asks, amused.
“Why do you automatically assume she out drank me?” I ask, irritated.
“She’s bigger than you are and she’s Academy those bastards can drink, go on how wasted?” he asks.
“I was----quite inebriated---my various plans beside the point, none of them have worked and it’s absurd, there has to be some way to win her back,” I say.
“Sometimes, you just have t
o let people go,” he says, unbuckling from his chair and pushing up to talk to me at eye level, “I’m sorry. I know how hard it is for you. But people can’t be controlled.”
“Yes they can,” I say.
“Not their emotions, they can’t. We have a free will, Titus, and I’m sorry she doesn’t love you I truly am---but you have to let her go,” he says.
“I can’t do that,” I say, looking away from hm.
“You’re going to have to learn how,” he says, “I know it isn’t easy when---somebody doesn’t feel about you the same way you do about them.”
“What if I kidnap her?” I ask, lifting my head up.
“Okay, no, as your commander I cannot let you do that---”
“Stockholm syndrome is well documented plus I’ve already had sex with her---”
“Again, something I didn’t need to know and no, Titus, you can’t do that. You and I both know you don’t want her to love you like that. You want her to love you for who you are. How you are,” he says.
“Nobody ever will,” I say.
“That’s not true,” he says.
“Neither of us believe that,” I say.
“I know but----stranger things have happened----it’s not impossible---”
“Yes it is! Look at me---you’ve met, known me longer and better than my own mother did---”
“You’re right--- oh my god I’m so upset about my life right now---”
“See what I mean? There is no reason she will love me and I know it but she----almost does and I can’t stand it I want her even if there were somebody else I don’t want somebody else I want her,” I say, my voice breaking.
“I know you do. and I’m sorry. If I could make things better for you believe me I would. But take it from someone, who, if I’m an expert on anything it is disappointment and in general inability to maintain a relationship with a woman---so take it from me, that it is best, for you both, to let her go. To move on, to the other things in your life,” he says, taking me by the shoulders.
“She is my life,” I say.
“And these lines don’t work on her---?”
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