by Amy Clipston
Gideon loved how Becky’s eyes lit up as she talked about Grace. His father changed the subject every time Gideon mentioned Grace’s name. The few folks he’d run into since he arrived seemed to steer clear of mentioning Gideon’s daughter as well.
“She was very special.” He refocused on Ruth, her eyes looking somewhere past him. He regretted her abrupt exit from the cemetery earlier. It wasn’t how he’d wanted their first meeting to go. “Grace was very beautiful, like her mudder, inside and out.”
He was surprised how easily he made the comment. There was no denying that Ruth was attractive, but it was her heart that captured Gideon all those years ago. She was kind and compassionate, helpful but not overbearing, and she was happiest when she was with Grace.
“Do you want to see mei garden?” Becky bounced up on her toes again, her grin bringing out her dimples again.
Gideon started to answer, but activity on the front porch caught their attention. A bunch of women poured out of the house and started down the porch steps. Some were smiling and whispering. Gideon recognized most of the ladies, and they all greeted him on the way to their buggies. Esther and Ruth’s mother waved from the porch as the buggies headed down the drive, then walked slowly toward Gideon.
“It’s gut to see you, Gideon.” Esther wrapped her arms around his neck as he told her it was nice to see her too. “I see you’ve met Becky,” Esther said after she eased away.
“Yeah, I missed her this morning. She was out running errands with Amos. She’s a beautiful little girl.” Gideon smiled. It wasn’t just Becky’s blonde hair, dimply cheeks, and bright eyes that brought forth the compliment. The little girl had what he and Ruth used to call “the light”—it was a term they coined when they were dating and described a person who seemed to shine with goodness through the grace of God.
Gideon saw it in Ruth when she was a little girl. She admitted to seeing it in him, too, when they were teenagers. After he and Ruth married and Grace was born, he could still remember the way Ruth held Grace in her arms for the first time and said, “Look, Gideon. She has the light.”
Gideon saw only a hint of that light in Ruth earlier today. He wondered if she saw any at all when she looked at him.
Ruth and Esther’s mother stepped forward next and gave Gideon a quick and gentle hug. He’d never been close to Judith, but mostly because she was a quiet woman who seemed most comfortable at her husband’s side. Gideon remembered Ruth being like that with him when they were dating and even early into their marriage.
Over time, love changes and grows. Maybe Judith and David had gone full circle after raising their family and were back in the same place they started, happiest at each other’s sides.
When Grace came along, Gideon and Ruth recaptured some of the euphoria of a new couple and also became a triangle of love. They were happiest when the three of them were together. When the triangle broke, Ruth and Gideon couldn’t seem to find their way back to the couple they were before.
Esther touched Becky on the shoulder. “Come along, Becky.” Esther glanced knowingly at Ruth and offered a smile to her sister.
Becky waved as Esther and her mother walked with her back toward the house.
After they were inside, Gideon ran his hand over his beard, with no clue what to say to Ruth. He’d already hurt her feelings by letting her assume he was seeing someone. And he was, but he’d only been out with Cheryl a few times, so he wasn’t sure that qualified as seeing someone. Cheryl knew he was married but had been separated from his wife for a long time. Maybe he was just trying to justify the way he was drawn to Ruth right now?
“I’m surprised you haven’t shaved your beard.” She raised a hand to her forehead, squinting to block the sun. Gideon stepped sideways, putting her in his shadow.
“I thought about it.” He shrugged. “But I’ve had it so long, I just . . .” He’d held on to some of his Amish beliefs, and, in truth, it would feel wrong to shave.
“Does your lady friend like it?” Ruth folded her hands in front of her, now that the sun was no longer in her eyes.
Gideon hung his head for a couple seconds. If he denied he was spending time with someone else, even if it was only a few dates, not only was it lying, but it would be unfair to Cheryl. He liked her. “No. She doesn’t really care for it.”
They were quiet. Gideon’s eyes were on his feet again as he kicked at the grass, his hands in his pockets. Eventually, he locked eyes with her. “I feel like there are things that need to be said, but you kind of threw me for a loop earlier when you said you didn’t think we needed to talk.”
She stared at him for a while. “I’ll sign the papers, Gideon, so you can get on with your life.”
He sighed as he scratched his forehead. “Ruthie, is there a problem with the papers? Is it money? Do you think it should be more?” He shook his head. “I’m confused. We can make any modifications that you want.”
She lifted her chin and did that thing she did with her eyes when she was mad. They turned to tiny slits beneath her furrowed eyebrows. “Gideon, I wouldn’t even know what to change. I know very little about divorce papers.”
Gideon could feel his eyes rounding before he blinked them a few times. “What? Divorce? Who said anything about divorce? Is that what you want?” He stepped closer to her, frowning. “Ruthie, did you even open the envelope?”
“No. But I’m sure however you chose to handle things is fine.” She shook her head. “I never thought I’d be a divorced woman, but then . . . I never thought . . .”
We’d lose Grace? Or I’d be contemplating a relationship with another woman? Or that we’d be discussing divorce?
“This is none of my business.” Ruth chewed her bottom lip. “But are you planning to remarry?”
Gideon was still reeling from the mention of divorce. “Let’s get back to the papers . . .” He grinned slightly. “That would be the agreement you need to sign to put the house on the market.”
Ruth raised both eyebrows. “It’s not divorce papers?”
Gideon shook his head. “No. And, even if it was, I wouldn’t have given them to you at the cemetery. The agreement needs your signature, but if you think I’ve priced the house too low, we can talk about it. And, do we want to add electricity before we sell it? I wrote a list of notes.” He paused, trying to read her expression, thinking he saw a little relief when she took a deep breath.
“I’ll look over your notes.” Ruth lowered her head as she folded her arms across her chest, then sighed before she looked back at him. “But is divorce something we need to talk about too?” She eyed him up and down, then gestured between them. “Look at us. We aren’t Amish, and most of the time, I still don’t feel completely Englisch. I don’t even believe in divorce.”
When she looked back at him, tears were in her eyes, and Gideon’s emotions bubbled to the surface. He thought about their time at the cemetery earlier this afternoon, the bond he felt just holding her hand as they visited his mother and Grace. Now they were back to being strangers and talking about divorce. He wanted to know what life had been like for Ruth the last five years.
“Maybe we do all of this in baby steps. It’s been a long time since we’ve seen each other. We visited our daughter today.” He paused to swallow back the lump forming in his throat. “And we need to sell the house and tie up any loose ends. I think we still have a couple hundred dollars in an old savings account at the bank.”
She nodded.
“And to answer your question, no. I’m not planning to remarry.”
“Not yet,” she said as she dropped her arms to her side. “But I agree that we can shelve any talk about divorce until we get these other things taken care of.”
Gideon couldn’t stand it anymore. His heart hammered against his chest as he blurted, “Are you seeing someone?”
“No.”
He breathed a sigh of relief, even though her answer was curt enough for him to read between the lines. She was insinuating that she had remained
faithful and he hadn’t. When she didn’t elaborate, he wondered how much of the last five years she would be willing to share with him.
“Do you want to go on a picnic with me tomorrow? We could go down to Pequea Creek.” He raised a shoulder and dropped it slowly. “It’s peaceful there. It isn’t supposed to be too hot. We could look over the papers and . . . talk.”
Ruth ran a hand along the back of her neck as she twisted her mouth back and forth. “Ok. I’ll bring the food.” She smiled a little. “If left up to you or your father to feed us, I fear the outcome.”
Gideon chuckled, welcoming the shift in the conversation. “You have a point. Pick you up at eleven?”
Ruth nodded, then tilted her head to one side. “Could we bring Becky with us? I’d like to get to know my niece while I’m here.”
Ruth was setting boundaries. With Becky present, the conversation couldn’t stray beyond readying the house to sell and maybe a few details about how they’d each lived since leaving Lancaster County. They wouldn’t be able to venture into territory they weren’t ready for yet.
“I’d like that. I’d enjoy getting to know Becky too.”
Ruth smiled a little, but the light she once held was barely visible. “She’s a lovely child.”
Gideon finally offered a quick wave before he started toward his truck. “See you tomorrow.” He was a little fearful Ruth would change her mind if he stayed much longer.
He wondered if she’d made the connection about Pequea Creek.
When Ruth walked back in the house, her mother stood from where she’d been sitting on the couch. “Did you have a nice talk with Gideon?”
Ruth kicked off her shoes by the front door like she’d been doing since she arrived. The old habit came as naturally as slipping back into the Pennsylvania Deitsch dialect.
“I guess it went pretty good, all things considered.” It was silly not to open the envelope. She could have avoided a lot of heartache if she’d just opened it. Or was that part of God’s plan? The thought of divorce ripped at her insides now that she thought it might become a reality.
Her mother nodded, then yawned. “I think it’s nap time for me. All this activity today has me worn out.” As she passed by Ruth, she touched her on the arm. “Lean on the Lord, mei dochder.”
Ruth sensed her mother was about to say more, but Esther came down the stairs with Becky right behind her.
“Danki for all the help, Mamm, especially the food.” Esther walked their mother to the door, then turned to Becky. “Tell Mammi bye, and it’s time for someone else’s nap, too, ya?”
Becky gave her grandmother a big hug before she left, then the little girl rolled her lip into a pout. “I’m too big for a nap.”
Esther chuckled. “You’re never too big for a nap. Didn’t you just hear your mammi say she was going home to take a nap?”
“But I want to talk to Aenti Ruth more.”
Ruth cleared her throat. “Well, if it’s okay with your mamm, Gideon and I would like to take you on a picnic with us to Pequea Creek tomorrow.” She glanced at her sister who was grinning ear to ear.
“I think that’s a wonderful idea.” Esther winked at Ruth before she turned to her daughter. “Becky, how does that sound?”
Ruth’s niece released a heavy sigh. “That sounds gut, but I still don’t want to take a nap.” Becky huffed before she stomped up the stairs.
“She’s so much like you at that age.” Ruth plopped down on the couch and smiled. “Overdramatic.”
Esther sat in one of the rocking chairs, kicked it into motion, and grinned. “Maybe.” Then she began twirling the string on her kapp. “Pequea Creek, ya?” She let the string go and began tapping a finger to her chin. “Isn’t that where you and Gideon had your first kiss?”
Ruth felt her cheeks warming. “Yes. But don’t read into that, Esther.” Ruth had already read plenty into it on her own, thus the idea to bring Becky along. She wanted to get to know her niece better, but she also worried she might be tempted to relive that first kiss with Gideon. She was still as attracted to him as ever, but kissing him would be out of the question since he had another woman in his life.
“It sure seems significant that he picked that particular place for a picnic.” Esther folded her hands in her lap. “Maybe it’s not a gut idea for Becky to go tomorrow. That won’t give you and Gideon much privacy.”
“No, we’d both like Becky to go.” She frowned at Esther. “We don’t need that kind of privacy.”
Esther rolled her eyes before she chuckled. “I meant talking, not kissing.”
“Well, there are some things I don’t think either of us is ready to talk about.”
Esther pressed her palms together and brought her folded hands to her chin. “We’ve all been hoping and praying you two might reconnect. Do you think there’s a chance?”
Ruth shook her head. “No. Don’t you remember how horrible we were to each other those months that followed Grace’s death? I’m not sure we can go back.”
“But you were grieving.” Esther left the rocker and joined Ruth on the couch. “People say all kinds of things when they’re hurting.”
Ruth shook her head. “It’s not just that. Gideon is seeing someone.”
Esther’s eyes grew as round as saucers.
“Why do you look so surprised? It’s been half a decade.” She pointed to her blue jeans. “We clearly aren’t Amish anymore.”
Esther shrugged, frowning. “I just can’t picture Gideon with anyone else.”
“I don’t know, but those are the kinds of conversations I’m not ready to have. Becky is a breath of fresh air to me, and I think to Gideon too. We’ll enjoy spending time with her tomorrow, and she’ll help keep the conversation light.”
Esther laughed. “Taking Becky might be risky. You never know what will come out of that child’s mouth. I hope she hasn’t already said anything to make you feel uncomfortable.”
“Actually, she’s the only one who has not made me feel uncomfortable.”
Esther stiffened. “What do you mean?”
“Esther, I love you, but I could tell that everyone in the room today had been asked not to mention Grace.” She blinked, but it didn’t stop the tears. “Becky is the only one who dared to ask about her when we were by ourselves, and we spent our time talking about Grace. My daughter, Grace. She lived for ten years, and she will always be a part of my life. It hurts when no one even mentions her, like she never existed.”
Esther pulled Ruth into a hug as she started to cry too. “I’m sorry, Ruth. I’m so sorry.” She eased away and swiped at her eyes. “I just wanted to make your stay as pain free as possible. I thought talking about her might upset you too much.”
“Not talking about her upsets me. In Florida, I talk about her to anyone who will listen. But they didn’t know her the way people here did.” Ruth sniffled, then shook her head. “It’s not your fault. I know you were just trying to do what you thought best, and Mamm and Daed too.”
“I was also worried that spending too much time with Becky might cause you heartache too.” She leaned her head back against the couch and closed her eyes. “I miss Grace, too, and I still think about her every day. I see her in things Becky does, and it makes me miss her so much.” She turned to face Ruth. “I can’t imagine how it must be for you.”
“Like I said, Becky is a breath of fresh air. She’s a beautiful child, and I love sharing stories about Grace with her. I want to always remember everything about her.” She paused and locked eyes with her sister. “One of my many regrets is that I don’t have any pictures of Grace. I know it wasn’t allowed, but I’d do anything to see her face again. With each passing year, her image slips a little further away. What happens if it disappears forever?”
Esther pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs like she did when they were kids. “It won’t. And I want to talk about Grace too.”
Ruth leaned an ear toward the stairs. “Is Becky awake? I thought I
heard something.”
Esther smiled. “If I rush up there right now, she’ll pretend to be asleep, but she won’t be.”
“Just like you used to do.” Ruth knocked her shoulder playfully against her little sister’s.
“Do you remember the time Grace found those baby rabbits? The mother was nowhere around and she brought them all home?”
Ruth laughed. “Remember? They were so small we had to feed them with little droppers every few hours. It was like having four premature babies to tend to.” She loved that recollection. “Grace was so dedicated. She would have made a wonderful mother.”
And from there, Esther began to recall more and more stories about Grace, some that Ruth didn’t even know about. Ruth packed each one into her memory bank to take back to Florida with her. This was what she’d hoped for.
CHAPTER 5
Gideon pulled into Esther and Amos’s driveway. Ruth and Becky were sitting on the porch steps with a picnic basket between them. Gideon’s mind drifted back to when he was sixteen and on his first picnic with Ruth. They had their whole lives to look forward to, and he still remembered that first kiss like it happened yesterday.
He opened the truck door and walked toward them. Ruth stood, toting the basket. She was wearing a light blue shirt, jeans, white sneakers, and her dark hair flowed well past her waist. Even after all these years, he felt weak at the sight of her.
“Hello, ladies.”
“I’m not really a lady.” Becky scowled a little, her cheeks dimpling the same way as when she smiled. “I’m a girl.”
Gideon squatted down in front of her and grinned. “And a beautiful girl you are. But one day you’ll be a beautiful lady.”
The child smiled before she twisted in circles, her light-blue dress catching in the wind beneath her black apron. “Mei mamm made me a new dress.”
Gideon stood. “It’s a very pretty dress.” He walked around to the passenger side of his truck and opened the door for Ruth, then helped Becky into a booster seat he’d found at his parents’ house.
