by Lucy Swing
My first day back at school, and I could feel all eyes on me. The day was gloomy, with low-hanging clouds in every shade of gray. Thunder rumbled in the distance, sounding as if there were a bowling alley in the sky. I had pleaded with Claire many times to let me stay home. But she was adamant that I take my life back, that I not let what had happened rule how my life would unfold from this point forth. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” she said. “It didn’t kill you.”
I wasn’t so sure. I hadn’t physically died, but everything in me—my soul, my heart—was broken. The Jade who existed before was gone, and now all that remained was the burden of what happened—a burden I would carry with me until the end of time.
As soon as we got out of the car, students stared
at me, some sending their silent sympathy, others whispering under their breaths as they checked me out.
Another time, I may have not cared, but now my moods were fluid and unpredictable, and I could feel the anger rise from deep within me.
I walked the rest of the way with my eyes glued to the floor, somehow navigating through the traffic of bodies in the hallway. On the painful way to my locker, a few teachers approached me and gave me their deepest condolences. I simply nodded and never said a word. I tried to smile, but I don’t think it ever showed in my face.
I made it to first period just in time. Everyone was already seated when I opened the door and walked in, just as the bell rang overhead. Great, I thought. More pitying looks. The room fell silent as I made my way to my desk. The way everyone was acting was starting to get under my skin. Did they think I felt better because they felt bad for me? Because I went through a tragedy? No, all I wanted was for it all to stop, for everyone to leave me alone and treat me normally—or, better yet, just don’t think about me at all. I wanted to go home and curl up in the bed, pull the shades down, and never get up.
I sat down at my desk, making as much noise as possible when I dropped my bag on the floor. Avan leaned over and squeezed my hand, and suddenly things seemed more bearable. And yet, I pulled my hand away and put it inside the pocket of my hoodie. I didn’t need people feeling bad for me. It just made everything worse. I knew he just wanted to be there for me, but I wasn’t there anymore.
Mr. Morris walked toward me and leaned in to whisper, “Jade, my sincere apologies for what has happened. And although I don’t wish to make it any harder for you, I will need you to remove your sunglasses, dear. No sense in you or me getting in trouble over them.” He stood tall and glanced down at me, waiting to remove my shades.
“No.”
My voice sounded so firm and loud, it caught even me off guard. Claire’s mouth fell open. Nate shook his head slightly.
Mr. Morris straightened and, not whispering this time, said, “I’m afraid it isn’t a request.” He wasn’t about to let a seventeen-year-old talk back to him, never mind the extenuating circumstances.
Avan leaned in and whispered in my ear, “Jade, just do as he says, please?”
I rolled my eyes, though no one could see it behind my shades.
I pulled them off and stared Mr. Morris dead in the eye. From the astonished look on his face, it was worse than I had imagined. Some kids who had turned around to watch the exchange gasped.
After Claire and I walked into the school this morning, I had stayed behind, needing a moment before running the gauntlet of pitying looks inside. Watching all the kids hurry into the building, some chatting next to their cars, smiles and laughter all around, I had felt like throwing a punch through a window. But instead, I had gone into the bathroom and pulled out my makeup bag. I looked in the mirror and drew thick lines all around my eyes. After all, I was the emo girl, right? When I had done my makeup I hadn’t taken into account what I would see once I opened my locker: a picture of me sandwiched in between Mom and Dad. Just as the picture on my phone screen had done, it invited unbidden tears, with no way of stopping them. I slammed the locker shut and ran into a bathroom stall again to muffle my cries. I hadn’t bothered to glance in the mirror, or I would have seen what the tears did to my makeup.
I sure wished I had done so now.
I smiled at him. “Is this better, Mr. Morris?” I asked with a defiant glare.
He stared at me for a moment, unsure what to do. He could have sent me to the restroom to clean up, but instead he shrugged his shoulders and said as he walked away, “Very well, you may keep your glasses on for now,” and went on to start his lecture.
I quickly slid the shades back on, pulled the sleeve over my hand, and made a blind attempt at cleaning under my eyes. Avan’s eyes were on me, burning onto me. It made me want to cry that he had to see me like this, moody and, worst of all, broken. I wasn’t worthy of him anymore. The Jade he had known and loved was gone, shattered.
I pulled my hoodie on as far as it could possibly go, and wished I could just disappear. With any luck, the day would go fast. I was not in the kind of mood to be nice, so every time anyone dared glance my way, I looked away.
In between classes, Claire and Nate tried to make small talk with me, to pull me from the dark, cold rut I was in, but all I did was nod and make halfhearted attempts to smile. During lunchtime, while I dropped my books off at my locker, I felt him coming toward me. It amazed me that even in the sorry state I was in, his energy called for me and mine continuously searched for him. I felt his hand on my arm, moving downward, searching for my hand.
“Join me for lunch?” His soft breath on my ear made my insides quiver.
“I think I’m actually going to call it a day,” I said. “Too much on my mind to just sit around and deal with—I have to get out.” I pulled away from his embrace and started to walk away, never once looking back.
He reached me and held my hand, soothing me. “I’ll come with you.”
“No! Please, I need to be alone. I need everyone to stop babysitting me, okay?” I pulled away. I was being unreasonable, but I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted life to go back to normal. It never would, though.
I slowed my pace, wanting him, feeling a yearning in the pit of my stomach that never eased, like an ache seeking its remedy. I hid in the bathroom until the hallway was clear, and made a quick stop by Claire’s locker. After a few tries, I got the right combination. I slid my hand into her purse until I found the keys to her car.
Shortly after one thirty, I reached my first destination: my parents’ now darkened and closed store. I sat on the car with the music as background noise, leaned in between the seats, and grabbed my gray hoodie from my backpack. I put it on before killing the engine, then walked to the entrance, where I stood for a few silent moments, battling with myself, unsure now whether this was such a great idea after all. I took a deep breath and unlocked the door, but before entering the store I turned around, sensing someone right there behind me. Chills running though my body, I looked up and down the almost empty street, but apart from a few slow-moving cars, there was no one standing behind me, no one even walking.
I entered the store and quickly locked the door behind me. Unable to shake the feeling of someone watching me, I took another look outside. The smell of sawdust, which I once had thought repellent, was now sweet and full of nostalgia. I stood there, stuck in place, taking it all in. Mom was very organized and an amazing decorator. She had created part of the store as a living showroom.
To the right was a homey, cozy living room, assembled from antique furniture they had found. The Louis XVI gilt wood canapé settee was gorgeous, even with its more recent upholstery. In front of it stood a circa1910 walnut and mahogany coffee table carved with beautiful spirals.
Against the wall stood the grandfather clock—minus its weights, which Mom had removed because the eerie, clanking chime startled her. A large bookcase, almost the same walnut color as the coffee table, was filled with books, some new and some that looked as though they might disintegrate at a touch. I moved closer and read over some of the titles, running my fingertips ov
er them.
I walked around touching every piece of furniture my dad had refurbished, feeling his presence in each one, then walked past the showroom and onto Dad’s work space. Each of his tools hung on its hook over his workbench. A small pile of sawdust and shavings had been swept into a corner.
I missed them so much. No amount of tears could ever express how much I missed them. I sat on Mom’s usual seat behind the cash register and caressed the counter in front of me, where, underneath the glass, she had kept her collection of bills from different countries. I took a deep breath and basked in the view that Mom had had for so many years, gazing through the big front windows onto the street. Dark clouds started to roll in, turning the sight before me a little spookier.
“Ki-sikil-lil-la-ke. You must leave,” the voice in my head urged. Startled by it, I froze.
I was quickly reminded of my second stop. Although I wasn’t done visiting the store just yet, I knew better than to ignore the voice within. Something, someone, was lurking out there. Maybe my parents hadn’t been what this Ki-sikil-lil-la-ke was looking for—maybe it hadn’t finished the job. Or maybe it was after me all along.
The alarm that my thoughts were inciting within me left my feet stuck to the floor. The paralysis didn’t last long, though. I retraced my steps all the way to the front of the store, locked it, and ran to the car, hitting the automatic door lock button. There was no trace of any panther or of Lilith.
I started the car and drove to the library, sporadically searching my surroundings for anything out of place. Arriving at the library, I pulled into the closest parking space to the building, grabbed my bag, and ran toward the elegant four-story sandstone structure.
As I reached the revolving door I slowed my pace, knowing that if anyone was after me, they weren’t likely to confront me in a public place—or so I hoped. Once inside, I walked over to the older woman sitting at the checkout desk. Her white hair was pulled into a bun, and she had thick black-framed reading glasses. “Excuse me, ma’am?” I said, laying my bag down on the cherry wood desk. “Which way is the computer lab?” It really had been a long time since I was here.
She stood up and leaned on the desk, then pointed to the far left corner of the lobby. “Right through those doors, sweetheart, up on the third floor.” I thanked her and had started away when she called after me, “You might want to be quick, because today we close at six.”
I nodded and looked at my watch. It was 5:25. I picked up my pace and followed her directions. As I was waiting for the elevators, a cold, bony hand grabbed my shoulder. The touch made me scream. I twisted around to break free. “She’s found me,” I thought. “And now she will kill me, too.”
“I apologize for startling you, dear, but you forgot your bag,” the librarian said, holding it out in front of her. She looked me up and down with a puzzled expression before returning to the checkout counter.
Good one, Jade. The killer librarian will beat you to death with the unabridged dictionary. Chiding myself for my nervousness, I stepped into the elevator and got out on the third floor.
I walked down the narrow corridor between bookshelves that seemed to have no end. Finally reaching the end of the stacks, I found a room with several large tables and chairs. To my left there were three rows of perhaps five computers each. I seemed to be the only one on this whole floor, and that made me feel uneasy.
Sitting down at the first computer on the last row, I moved the mouse around, and the screen came to life. I searched for panther names. Nothing caught my eye, and I was just about to close the search screen when an entry with the heading “Panther Mythology” caught my eye. It sounded promising, so I started reading. A few lines down, I read, “The panther was said to save people from the dragon, or Evil One.” Right then I knew that the article would have nothing of what I was looking for. In fact, it was just flat wrong—this benevolent creature that was supposed to save people had just killed my parents.
I tried to spell the name that the voice kept telling me about. I typed “keesikillakee” and got nothing, but in one of those “Did you mean?” windows I found it: “Ki-sikil-lil-la-ke.” I quickly clicked on it, and it redirected me to another page of results. I clicked on the second result; it was from one of the most reputable Web sites.
Once, twice . . . Couldn’t be—I must have spelled it wrong.
The picture on the screen resembled the woman in my dreams. I read on. Sure enough, her name was Lilith. The voices in my head must have been playing games with me, because this woman was from Adam and Eve’s time. She had been created before Eve, as Adam’s wife but she soon left Eden. It was all ludicrous. I kept reading, though, hoping to find some kind of connection. She was made out of Adam and the Earth, rebelled against Adam, and got together with an archangel named Samael. Then, somehow, somewhere along the way, she became a demon.
A demon—sure. Was I supposed to believe this crap? I stared at the page until I saw in the corner of the screen that it was 5:50. I hit “Print,” closed my screen, and grabbed my bag before walking over to the little counter with two printers on it. I waited for all six pages to print and slid them into my bag.
It can’t be, I thought as I made my way to the elevators once again. It wasn’t possible that some demon created in the time of the Garden of Eden was after me. Then again, nothing that had happened lately made much sense, so maybe this wasn’t as far-fetched as it would have seemed just a few days ago. Why would she be after me, though? What did she want?
My stomach started hurting. Somewhere, hidden in plain sight, was the key to making sense of this story. There had to be. It was time for me to have that talk with Claire and Nate.
It was dark by the time I came outside. I speed-walked to my car, fumbling with my backpack as I fished out the hoodie once again and rummaged for my keys. The cold air got even colder—unnaturally so. I stopped, feeling a presence behind me.
Don’t turn around, Jade, I told myself. Just keep walking. I took a few more steps and felt it come closer. I spun around, and there she was, head cocked to the side, studying me. It was Lilith. Her red hair flowed down almost to her waist, floating a little in the breeze, so that it looked almost like flames—the way it had looked in my dream. I felt a calm come over me. As she came closer, the voice inside my head urged, “Run!” I couldn’t move, though. My eyes were locked on her, mesmerized by the grace with which she moved.
Her black dress swayed and billowed with the breeze. Beautiful as the sight was, it gave my belly an uncanny twist. “Where are the cherubim who are always at your side? Not guarding you today?” Her voice was mocking me, yet at the same time it was soft and velvety. She couldn’t be the same horrid being described on the Web site. It made no sense. Cherub—wasn’t that what she had called Claire in my dream?
“Wh— who?” I asked. She gave an eerie smile at that and twitched her head again, as if trying to read my whole being. Then her gaze turned to irritation.
“Jade, run!” the voice yelled at me again. “Now!”
I snapped out of whatever lock she had on me, and as I turned to start running away, I ran right smack into Claire. I took her in for a moment, making sure it wasn’t my mind playing tricks on me.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
I grabbed both her arms, as if she might disappear at any moment. I scanned the whole parking lot, which by then was empty, and found no sign of Lilith. Was my mind toying with me? Lilith had never been here. It was just my overactive imagination . . . right?
“Jade! Are you okay? What happened?” Claire pulled me back around to face her.
I tried to catch my breath and give my heart some time to slow down. “I’m all right,” I said. “I just thought I saw something.” She had been here. I was sure of it. “What are you doing here?” I asked.
“Well, someone decided to steal my car, so Nate and I came to town looking for you and I saw the Beetle. So he dropped me off and went home. I figured I’d g
ive you a ride home.” She seemed totally normal while giving me her explanation, but something told me she wasn’t being completely honest. I had dropped my bag the moment I decided to run, so I picked it up and searched for the keys, all the while looking around for any sign of Lilith. But she was long gone.
We drove in silence for some time. I was lost in thought about what this strange woman could possibly want from me. And what did she mean about the cherubim guarding me? What the heck was a cherub, anyway? The more I thought about it, the weirder it seemed that Claire had found me at the library. After all, Hollow Falls’s library was about ten minutes past downtown. No one came out here but people who lived here or were going to the library. Claire wouldn’t drive by “just because,” even if she had been looking for me.
“So, how did you know where to find me?” I asked casually, stealing a quick glance her way.
She shifted on the driver’s seat, and from the corner of my eye I saw her mouth form a thin line, which could only mean she was thinking—possibly about another lie to feed me. “I didn’t. As I said, we were driving by and I saw you walk out—”
I cut her off. “No. You said you saw the car, not me. So what’s it going to be, Claire? What is going on? Are you finally going to tell me what’s up?”
She didn’t say a thing, didn’t even blink—just stared out the window.
Now I was starting to get annoyed. Here I had a supposed demon after me (even if I still didn’t quite believe it), and weird things had been happening for quite some time. And she wanted to pretend everything was just hunky-dory?
“That’s okay,” I said. “Don’t tell me anything, but sooner or later you’ll have to. Something’s happening, and I have no idea what it is or how to control it. So if you don’t want to help me . . .” I left the unsaid threat hanging like an elephant in the air, but she didn’t budge and didn’t say a word for the rest of the drive home.
As she parked in my driveway and turned off the engine, neither of us moved. “Look, Jade,” she said, staring ahead at the garage door, “it’s more complicated than you could ever imagine, and I just don’t know if you’re ready yet.” She turned and gave me an apologetic look.
“But I need to know!” I was practically yelling. “Do you get that? How complicated is that?”
“Let’s just go inside and I’ll explain as much as I can,” she said, sliding out of her seat a little too quickly and walking up to the house.
Inside, I turned on some lights and headed to the kitchen. There may be someone trying to kill me, but I wasn’t dead yet, and I was starving. I sat on the couch with a bowl of corn flakes, waiting for her. When she didn’t start, I said, “Who is coming after me? And why? What have I ever done to anybody?”
I could feel her body tense. Then the doorbell rang, and she stood up. When she came back, Nate was with her.
“Great,” I muttered. “Maybe you’ll tell me what the hell’s going on.” I put a spoonful of cereal in my mouth and crunched away. It seemed really loud.
“Okay, so what is it that you think you already know?” Nate asked, dropping his lanky frame onto the couch. I caught the twinkle of amusement on his eyes. Did he think this was funny? My parents had been dead less than a week!
I told them about the voices and my dreams, though keeping the part about Blake to myself. I also skipped Lilith’s showing up at the library. After all, I wasn’t totally sure it had been real.
“It isn’t exactly what you’d call normal,” I said when I was done. “Nothing that’s been happening is. I need to know why, and I need to know why my parents died.”
Nate stared at me, taking me in, looking as if he was weighing his options. He opened his mouth and was about to say something when Claire interrupted him.
“We’ll help you, but this is a whole ’nother world, Jade. As much as you may think you’re prepared, well, what I’m about to tell you is going to hit you hard.”
“Can you at least tell me why someone is after me?” I asked.
“We don’t know yet what they want, exactly,” she said. “But we’ll figure it out—I promise.”
“Why does she call you ‘cherubim’?” I watched her, half expecting another evasive answer, but instead I hit the jackpot. She couldn’t have looked more shocked if I had just slapped her. She stayed silent for a while.
Nate scooted closer on the couch and brought his face right up close to mine. “Where did you hear that word?”
“I told you, after my parents died I had a dream.” I looked at Claire. “You and she where there, and she called you a cherub and said something about you not being able to save me, just like you couldn’t save—”
“Shemer,” she finished. She fidgeted in her seat. “It wasn’t a dream, Jade. It was a different realm. I didn’t sense you there—I have no idea how you got there.” No longer talking to me, she was pacing back and forth in front of the TV and muttering to herself.
“This changes things,” Nate said after a brief silence. “It’s progressing too fast. It’s become too dangerous now.” I could see in both their faces the faintest trace of alarm, but just as suddenly as it had come, it was gone.
“What is!” I was yelling now. “What are you talking about?”
Claire started making plans for us to leave, saying that Lilith was too close now and that she could come after me at any moment. I tried to ask why she would be after me in the first place, but she wouldn’t acknowledge me. It was as if I was completely gone. They were talking among themselves, and I was left out of it all.
“I’m not going anywhere until someone explains to me what the hell is going on!” Once again I sounded like a six-year-old throwing a tantrum. I even stomped my foot on the floor.
“You’re in danger,” Nate said matter-of-factly as Claire kept pacing back and forth.
“Gee, really?” I deadpanned. “Dear me, I had no idea I might be in some sort of danger.” Then, dropping the sarcasm, I said, “What are we exactly?”
In response, all I got from Claire was a blur as she flashed by me and pounded upstairs to the guest room, slamming the door behind her.
I turned and looked at Nate. “What the hell was that?” That was Hollywood vampire fast—too fast for human eyes to catch, but I had caught it.
“That’s Claire, and that was a glimpse of what we are,” he simply said as he made his way toward the staircase.
13. THE PROBLEM
