by Edward Albee
MRS. BARKER
I don’t … particularly.
GRANDMA
Well, then, I’m sorry.
MRS. BARKER
(Suddenly)
Grandma, I feel I can trust you.
GRANDMA
Don’t be too sure; it’s every man for himself around this place. …
MRS. BARKER
Oh … is it? Nonetheless, I really do feel that I can trust you. Please tell me why they called and asked us to come.
GRANDMA
Well, I’ll give you a hint. That’s the best I can do, because I’m a muddleheaded old woman. Now listen, because it’s important. Once upon a time, not too very long ago, but a long enough time ago … oh, about twenty years ago … there was a man very much like Daddy, and a woman very much like Mommy, who were married to each other, very much like Mommy and Daddy are married to each other; and they lived in an apartment very much like one that’s very much like this one, and they lived there with an old woman who was very much like yours truly, only younger, because it was some time ago; in fact, they were all somewhat younger.
MRS. BARKER
How fascinating!
GRANDMA
Now, at the same time, there was a dear lady very much like you, only younger then, who did all sorts of Good Works. … And one of the Good Works this dear lady did was in something very much like a volunteer capacity for an organization very much like the Bye-Bye Adoption Service, which is nearby and which was run by a terribly deaf old lady very much like the Miss Bye-Bye who runs the Bye-Bye Adoption Service nearby.
MRS. BARKER
How enthralling!
GRANDMA
Well, be that as it may. Nonetheless, one afternoon this man, who was very much like Daddy, and this woman who was very much like Mommy came to see this dear lady who did all the Good Works, who was very much like you, dear, and they were very sad and very hopeful, and they cried and smiled and bit their fingers, and they said all the most intimate things.
MRS. BARKER
How spellbinding! What did they say?
GRANDMA
Well, it was very sweet. The woman, who was very much like Mommy, said that she and the man who was very much like Daddy had never been blessed with anything very much like a bumble of joy.
MRS. BARKER
A what?
GRANDMA
A bumble; a bumble of joy.
MRS. BARKER
Oh, like bundle.
GRANDMA
Well, yes; very much like it. Bundle, bumble; who cares? At any rate, the woman, who was very much like Mommy, said that they wanted a bumble of their own, but that the man, who was very much like Daddy, couldn’t have a bumble; and the man, who was very much like Daddy, said that yes, they had wanted a bumble of their own, but that the woman, who was very much like Mommy, couldn’t have one, and that now they wanted to buy something very much like a bumble.
MRS. BARKER
How engrossing!
GRANDMA
Yes. And the dear lady, who was very much like you, said something that was very much like, “Oh, what a shame; but take heart … I think we have just the bumble for you.” And, well, the lady, who was very much like Mommy, and the man, who was very much like Daddy, cried and smiled and bit their fingers, and said some more intimate things, which were totally irrelevant but which were pretty hot stuff, and so the dear lady, who was very much like you, and who had something very much like a penchant for pornography, listened with something very much like enthusiasm. “Whee,” she said. “Whoooopeeeeee!” But that’s beside the point.
MRS. BARKER
I suppose so. But how gripping!
GRANDMA
Anyway … they bought something very much like a bumble, and they took it away with them. But … things didn’t work out very well.
MRS. BARKER
You mean there was trouble?
GRANDMA
You got it.
(With a glance through the archway)
But, I’m going to have to speed up now because I think I’m leaving soon.
MRS. BARKER
Oh. Are you really?
GRANDMA
Yup.
MRS. BARKER
But old people don’t go anywhere; they’re either taken places, or put places.
GRANDMA
Well, this old person is different. Anyway … things started going badly.
MRS. BARKER
Oh yes. Yes.
GRANDMA
Weeeeellll … in the first place, it turned out the bumble didn’t look like either one of its parents. That was enough of a blow, but things got worse. One night, it cried its heart out, if you can imagine such a thing.
MRS. BARKER
Cried its heart out! Well!
GRANDMA
But that was only the beginning. Then it turned out it only had eyes for its Daddy.
MRS. BARKER
For its Daddy! Why, any self-respecting woman would have gouged those eyes right out of its head.
GRANDMA
Well, she did. That’s exactly what she did. But then, it kept its nose up in the air.
MRS. BARKER
Ufggh! How disgusting!
GRANDMA
That’s what they thought. But then, it began to develop an interest in its you-know-what.
MRS. BARKER
In its you-know-what! Well! I hope they cut its hands off at the wrists!
GRANDMA
Well, yes, they did that eventually. But first, they cut off its you-know-what.
MRS. BARKER
A much better idea!
GRANDMA
That’s what they thought. But after they cut off its you-know-what, it still put its hands under the covers, looking for its you-know-what. So, finally, they had to cut off its hands at the wrists.
MRS. BARKER
Naturally!
GRANDMA
And it was such a resentful bumble. Why, one day it called its Mommy a dirty name.
MRS. BARKER
Well, I hope they cut its tongue out!
GRANDMA
Of course. And then, as it got bigger, they found out all sorts of terrible things about it, like: it didn’t have a head on its shoulders, it had no guts, it was spineless, its feet were made of clay … just dreadful things.
MRS. BARKER
Dreadful!
GRANDMA
So you can understand how they became discouraged.
MRS. BARKER
I certainly can! And what did they do?
GRANDMA
What did they do? Well, for the last straw, it finally up and died; and you can imagine how that made them feel, their having paid for it, and all. So, they called up the lady who sold them the bumble in the first place and told her to come right over to their apartment. They wanted satisfaction; they wanted their money back. That’s what they wanted.
MRS. BARKER
My, my, my.
GRANDMA
How do you like them apples?
MRS. BARKER
My, my, my.
DADDY
(Off stage)
Mommy! I can’t find Grandma’s television, and I can’t find the Pekinese, either.
MOMMY
(Off stage)
Isn’t that funny! And I can’t find the water.
GRANDMA
Heh, heh, heh. I told them everything was hidden.
MRS. BARKER
Did you hide the water, too?
GRANDMA
(Puzzled)
No. No, I didn’t do that.
DADDY
(Off stage)
The truth of the matter is, I can’t even find Grandma’s room.
GRANDMA
Heh, heh, heh.
MRS. BARKER
My! You certainly did hide things, didn’t you?
GRANDMA
Sure, kid, sure.
MOMMY
(Sticking her head in the room)
Did you ever
hear of such a thing, Grandma? Daddy can’t find your television, and he can’t find the Pekinese, and the truth of the matter is he can’t even find your room.
GRANDMA
I told you. I hid everything.
MOMMY
Nonsense, Grandma! Just wait until I get my hands on you. You’re a troublemaker … that’s what you are.
GRANDMA
Well, I’ll be out of here pretty soon, baby.
MOMMY
Oh, you don’t know how right you are! Daddy’s been wanting to send you away for a long time now, but I’ve been restraining him. I’ll tell you one thing, though … I’m getting sick and tired of this fighting, and I might just let him have his way. Then you’ll see what’ll happen. Away you’ll go; in a van, too. I’ll let Daddy call the van man.
GRANDMA
I’m way ahead of you.
MOMMY
How can you be so old and so smug at the same time? You have no sense of proportion.
GRANDMA
You just answered your own question.
MOMMY
Mrs. Barker, I’d much rather you came into the kitchen for that glass of water, what with Grandma out here, and all.
MRS. BARKER
I don’t see what Grandma has to do with it; and besides, I don’t think you’re very polite.
MOMMY
You seem to forget that you’re a guest in this house …
GRANDMA
Apartment!
MOMMY
Apartment! And that you’re a professional woman. So, if you’ll be so good as to come into the kitchen, I’ll be more than happy to show you where the water is, and where the glass is, and then you can put two and two together, if you’re clever enough.
(She vanishes)
MRS. BARKER
(After a moment’s consideration)
I suppose she’s right.
GRANDMA
Well, that’s how it is when people call you up and ask you over to do something for them.
MRS. BARKER
I suppose you’re right, too. Well, Grandma, it’s been very nice talking to you.
GRANDMA
And I’ve enjoyed listening. Say, don’t tell Mommy or Daddy that I gave you that hint, will you?
MRS. BARKER
Oh, dear me, the hint! I’d forgotten about it, if you can imagine such a thing. No, I won’t breathe a word of it to them.
GRANDMA
I don’t know if it helped you any …
MRS. BARKER
I can’t tell, yet. I’ll have to … what is the word I want? … I’ll have to relate it … that’s it … I’ll have to relate it to certain things that I know, and … draw … conclusions. … What I’ll really have to do is to see if it applies to anything. I mean, after all, I do do volunteer work for an adoption service, but it isn’t very much like the Bye-Bye Adoption Service … it is the Bye-Bye Adoption Service … and while I can remember Mommy and Daddy coming to see me, oh about twenty years ago, about buying a bumble, I can’t quite remember anyone very much like Mommy and Daddy coming to see me about buying a bumble. Don’t you see? It really presents quite a problem. … I’ll have to think about it … mull it … but at any rate, it was truly first-class of you to try to help me. Oh, will you still be here after I’ve had my drink of water?
GRANDMA
Probably … I’m not as spry as I used to be.
MRS. BARKER
Oh. Well, I won’t say good-by then.
GRANDMA
No. Don’t.
(MRS. BARKER exits through the archway)
People don’t say good-by to old people because they think they’ll frighten them. Lordy! If they only knew how awful “hello” and “my, you’re looking chipper” sounded, they wouldn’t say those things either. The truth is, there isn’t much you can say to old people that doesn’t sound just terrible.
(The doorbell rings)
Come on in!
(The YOUNG MAN enters. GRANDMA looks him over)
Well, now, aren’t you a breath of fresh air!
YOUNG MAN
Hello there.
GRANDMA
My, my, my. Are you the van man?
YOUNG MAN
The what?
GRANDMA
The van man. The van man. Are you come to take me away?
YOUNG MAN
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
GRANDMA
Oh.
(Pause)
Well.
(Pause)
My, my, aren’t you something!
YOUNG MAN
Hm?
GRANDMA
I said, my, my, aren’t you something.
YOUNG MAN
Oh. Thank you.
GRANDMA
You don’t sound very enthusiastic.
YOUNG MAN
Oh, I’m … I’m used to it.
GRANDMA
Yup … yup. You know, if I were about a hundred and fifty years younger I could go for you.
YOUNG MAN
Yes, I imagine so.
GRANDMA
Unh-hunh … will you look at those muscles!
YOUNG MAN
(Flexing his muscles)
Yes, they’re quite good, aren’t they?
GRANDMA
Boy, they sure are. They natural?
YOUNG MAN
Well the basic structure was there, but I’ve done some work, too … you know, in a gym.
GRANDMA
I’ll bet you have. You ought to be in the movies, boy.
YOUNG MAN
I know.
GRANDMA
Yup! Right up there on the old silver screen. But I suppose you’ve heard that before.
YOUNG MAN
Yes, I have.
GRANDMA
You ought to try out for them … the movies.
YOUNG MAN
Well, actually, I may have a career there yet. I’ve lived out on the West Coast almost all my life … and I’ve met a few people who … might be able to help me. I’m not in too much of a hurry, though. I’m almost as young as I look.
GRANDMA
Oh, that’s nice. And will you look at that face!
YOUNG MAN
Yes, it’s quite good, isn’t it? Clean-cut, Midwest farm boy type, almost insultingly good-looking in a typically American way. Good profile, straight nose, honest eyes, wonderful smile …
GRANDMA
Yup. Boy, you know what you are, don’t you? You’re the American Dream, that’s what you are. All those other people, they don’t know what they’re talking about. You … you are the American Dream.
YOUNG MAN
Thanks.
MOMMY
(Off stage)
Who rang the doorbell?
GRANDMA
(Shouting off stage)
The American Dream!
MOMMY
(Off stage)
What? What was that, Grandma?
GRANDMA
(Shouting)
The American Dream! The American Dream! Damn it!
DADDY
(Off stage)
How’s that, Mommy?
MOMMY
(Off stage)
Oh, some gibberish; pay no attention. Did you find Grandma’s room?
DADDY
(Off stage)
No. I can’t even find Mrs. Barker.
YOUNG MAN
What was all that?
GRANDMA
Oh, that was just the folks, but let’s not talk about them, honey; let’s talk about you.
YOUNG MAN
All right.
GRANDMA
Well, let’s see. If you’re not the van man, what are you doing here?
YOUNG MAN
I’m looking for work.
GRANDMA
Are you! Well, what kind of work?
YOUNG MAN
Oh, almost anything … almost anything that pays. I’ll do almost anything for money.
&
nbsp; GRANDMA
Will you … will you? Hmmmm. I wonder if there’s anything you could do around here?
YOUNG MAN
There might be. It looked to be a likely building.
GRANDMA
It’s always looked to be a rather unlikely building to me, but I suppose you’d know better than I.
YOUNG MAN
I can sense these things.
GRANDMA
There might be something you could do around here. Stay there! Don’t come any closer.
YOUNG MAN
Sorry.
GRANDMA
I don’t mean I’d mind. I don’t know whether I’d mind, or not. … But it wouldn’t look well; it would look just awful.
YOUNG MAN
Yes; I suppose so.
GRANDMA
Now, stay there, let me concentrate. What could you do? The folks have been in something of a quandary around here today, sort of a dilemma, and I wonder if you mightn’t be some help.
YOUNG MAN
I hope so … if there’s money in it. Do you have any money?
GRANDMA
Money! Oh, there’s more money around here than you’d know what to do with.
YOUNG MAN
I’m not so sure.
GRANDMA
Well, maybe not. Besides, I’ve got money of my own.
YOUNG MAN
You have?
GRANDMA
Sure. Old people quite often have lots of money; more often than most people expect. Come here, so I can whisper to you … not too close. I might faint.
YOUNG MAN
Oh, I’m sorry.
GRANDMA
It’s all right, dear. Anyway … have you ever heard of that big baking contest they run? The one where all the ladies get together in a big barn and bake away?
YOUNG MAN
I’m … not … sure. …
GRANDMA
Not so close. Well, it doesn’t matter whether you’ve heard of it or not. The important thing is—and I don’t want anybody to hear this … the folks think I haven’t been out of the house in eight years-—the important thing is that I won first prize in that baking contest this year. Oh, it was in all the papers; not under my own name, though. I used a nom de boulangère; I called myself Uncle Henry.
YOUNG MAN
Did you?
GRANDMA
Why not? I didn’t see any reason not to. I look just as much like an old man as I do like an old woman. And you know what I called it … what I won for?
YOUNG MAN
No. What did you call it?
GRANDMA
I called it Uncle Henry’s Day-Old Cake.
YOUNG MAN
That’s a very nice name.
GRANDMA
