by Eden French
Let it go. You’re moving on.
Teo’s face flashed through his mind. A streak of sunshine broke through the clouds. He was moving on, he’d already decided. But that didn’t mean it still couldn’t hurt. Seeing Carson plastered all over the paper tugged at old wounds—ones that never quite healed. How could they heal when the person involved in their making disappeared without a word only to pop up as some super famous Hollywood “it” guy? He crumpled the paper and tossed it toward the can in the corner of the room. He didn’t notice his partner, James, enter.
“Whatever happened, I’m sure the newspaper is sorry.”
Brand sat up and rolled his shoulders back, composing himself. “Funny. What are you up to?” he asked in a neutral tone.
He didn’t want to talk about Carson. Not that he could. He’d kept their relationship a secret. Except for with Ryan, Brand didn’t talk about it at all. Oh, and Cassie. She’d cornered him in the station shortly after her father’s death and demanded he tell her the truth about them. Carson had left just after her freshman year of high school and he hadn’t come out. But still, she had suspected. How? Brand had confessed to having a crush on her brother, but nothing more. Despite everything Carson had done, Brand wouldn’t be the one to out him to his family. It wasn’t his place to reveal Carson’s sexual identity. And by the looks of the headlines, Carson still hadn’t come out. He shook his head. It didn’t matter anyway. It was all in the past. A past that he intended to keep shoved in the back of the closet as he proudly stepped out of it with Teo.
A warm sense of self hugged his heart. Teo wasn’t ashamed to be who he was. He didn’t care about secrecy. Brand smiled to himself. Finally, finally, he could let go. But he still wasn’t ready to explain all this to James.
The alarm sounded throughout the station. Saved by the bell.
The intercom crackled.
“Medic four, be en route to four three zero Sierra Avenue for a fifty-two-year-old female. Caller advised female hit her head after fainting, small laceration. Conscious and breathing.”
Four three zero Sierra? Brand’s stomach rolled. He knew that address. He reached for his handheld on his belt.
“Show medic four en route, show engine one en route.”
He and James got to the rig and hopped in. Brand’s eyebrows scrunched together as he fastened his seatbelt.
“What’s up?” James asked. “You look… different.”
Brand blew out a breath. “I know that call. That’s the Keatons’ address.” Flashes of his ex flickered through his mind.
“Really? Like as in Carson Keaton? The actor? How do you know them?” James started up the rig.
“Old family friends.” Brand averted his eyes. What could he say? Oh, that’s the address of the ex-love of my life, and oh, by the way, it’s Carson Keaton. Instead, he chose, “Went to high school with the guy.”
“No shit? You went to school with Carson Keaton? Wow. I didn’t know that. What was he like? I bet he was a douchebag. Most of those Hollywood types are.”
A knife pierced Brand’s lungs, and he struggled to breathe. He just couldn’t catch a break. The last thing he wanted was to talk about Carson, but blowing James off would only stoke his partner’s curiosity. Playing it cool was the only way.
“Nah, he was pretty cool. We were good friends back in the day. But that was years ago. After senior year, he took off without a word, and that was that. Haven’t heard from him since. Really don’t know much about him now.”
“What? Just ditched you? I don’t care who you are, you don’t just ditch your bros.”
“Well, it wasn’t just me. It was everybody. His family too.”
Brand remembered when they had discovered the note he’d left behind. Cassie had been crying at Brand’s front door, waiting for him, desperate to know if Brand had any information. He shook off the memory and laughed through his teeth. “Yeah well, I guess he had bigger plans than Tahoe life.”
“I knew it.” James nodded in confirmation. “Total d-bag.”
Brand looked out the window, hoping James took his silence as agreement. He really didn’t want to talk about Carson.
Chapter Seven
Cassie opened the door and paled when she saw Brand.
“What are you doing here?” she blurted.
Brand narrowed his eyes at her. “My job. Got a call that a female fell and injured her head.”
“Oh, yeah. Well, we can wait for the next paramedic.” She began to close the door. Brand stuck his foot out and lodged it in the opening.
“Another paramedic? Seriously, Cass.” He narrowed his eyes. “What’s going on? Is everything okay? It’s your mother, right? Did she fall?” He pressed his lips together. “Why aren’t you letting me in?”
Cassie was silent. Her eyes studied the doorframe. He drew a deliberate breath in and straightened his stance until he filled the space between them. What the hell was wrong with her? In those first months after Carson left, he and Cassie developed a friendship only those who had been mutually abandoned could make. He even became her surrogate big brother for a while. They weren’t the best of friends, but there was a Carson-shaped hole in their lives that bonded them. Now, she was acting strange. Intentionally pushing him away. Hell, she wouldn’t even look him. He studied her body language and tried to pull information from her posture. He attempted to catch her gaze, but she avoided his eyes with expertise. Something was definitely up.
“Cass, if your mom’s hurt, let me help her.”
Silence.
“I’m not leaving until I see she’s all right.”
More silence.
“Cassandra Keaton, what the hell is going on?”
She looked up and met Brand’s gaze at the use of her full name and released a loud sigh. “Fine. She’s in the dining room.”
She opened the door and stepped aside, making room for Brand and James to enter the house. Brand started toward the dining room.
“Brand?” she called after him.
He turned around and caught her eyes. He was taken aback by the storm that raged in them. She mouthed the words “I’m sorry.”
He narrowed his eyes and shook his head in question, freezing in place when a familiar voice from the other room caught his attention.
“I’m so sorry, Mom. I just wanted to surprise you. If I’d known this would happen, I would’ve called and let you know I was coming. Please stay still. Let me help you. You’re bleeding everywhere.”
Brand stood cemented in place. Could it be? No. It couldn’t. There was no way. His heart raced in his chest as he followed the voice, each foot moving automatically. He fought every step, wanting desperately to see who was in the dining room and hoping to God it wasn’t who he thought it was, who he knew it was.
“Mom, stay still. Don’t move. Cass went to let the paramedics in, so it should only be just a second more.”
He forced his feet to keep moving until he rounded the corner and stood in the entryway. His palms grew sticky. His breath caught in his throat when he saw the back of Carson as he knelt in front of his mother, trying to put a compress on her head. A thick ribbon of blood trickled from Mrs. Keaton’s temple down her cheek.
The woman looked up and met Brand’s gaze.
“Oh, Brand, I’m so glad you’re the one to come. I told them not to call at all, but Cass insisted, you know how she is. Always a worrier. Come on in, hon. Look who’s home for the holiday.”
Carson’s shoulders stiffened with his mother’s words. Good. He should be tense—leaving the way he did without a word. Brand blanched at how strong the feelings of betrayal were that came flooding back. He had to get his emotions in check. He forced himself into full medic mode.
And ignored Carson.
This wasn’t the time to think about old damage. Certainly not when James was standing behind him, waiting for his direction. He shook his head and swallowed.
“Mrs. Keaton, what happened here?”
His eyes were fixed on
the woman who was a second mom to him for most of his life. He wouldn’t even look at Carson. He couldn’t. He was here to help the injured per—uh, Mrs. Keaton. The fact Carson was there would not impact his ability to do his job. He was a professional, damn it. And yet….
Carson stood and slowly turned to face him. Brand couldn’t help himself. It’d been so long since he’d seen his face in real life, since he’d been in the same room with him. His gaze darted to his ex. Blue eyes looked back at him expectantly. Tahoe blue. Eyes that matched the color of the lake. The color Brand named them. And now, there they were, just as brilliant as he remembered and staring straight into his soul. His heart melted. Then anger swept in. He wanted to drop his bag and demand an explanation, yell and scream and curse the man who had broken him.
Where have you been? Why did you leave me? Leave us?
“Brand—” Carson began.
Brand turned on the ice. This wasn’t the time. He let his face neutralize as he approached. It was one of the benefits of being a first responder. He was a pro at compartmentalizing his emotions. He never truly appreciated it, but it sure did come in handy now.
“Excuse me, I need to get to your mother.”
His voice was cold, distant. He threw in a little extra edge for effect, though it probably wasn’t needed. He could feel the nervous energy radiating off Carson’s body. Carson stepped aside without a word and made room for Brand to examine his mother.
Brand knelt in front of the woman and smiled warmly as he began his assessment. He only hoped his resolve would hold up.
Chapter Eight
“Brand, wait! Can we talk?”
Brand shot James a look and nodded toward the rig as Carson raced out of the house after them. James got in, started up the vehicle, and turned on the music. It was loud enough to hear through the vehicle’s closed doors and windows. With a minute of privacy, Brand turned to face Carson.
“No, we can’t. I’m working.”
Carson’s eyes pleaded with him. “Please, Brand. I… I want to explain why things ended like they did. I—”
“Now? Now you want to explain?” Brand laughed, shaking his head. “Unbelievable. You’re really something, you know that? You take off seven years ago, I hear nothing from you. Nothing. And now, suddenly you’re back, for who knows what reason, and I’m supposed to drop everything and listen?”
“Brand, please. I know what I did was wrong, but I had reasons. I would’ve never left if I—”
“I loved you!” Brand hissed under his breath.
He looked around at the neighboring cabins. From his last point of reference, Carson still hadn’t come out. He wasn’t sure what his feelings were about it now, but if the tabloids were right, he was living a very different life with many different starlets. Even now, no matter how pissed he was at Carson, he wouldn’t be the one to out him to the public. He swallowed hard and lowered his voice. “And I thought you loved me.” He laughed; the sour sound was foreign to his ears. “But I guess I was just your warm-up, wasn’t I? Practice for future casting calls.”
Carson’s face paled.
Good, I hope it hurts just as much as he hurt me.
The thought burrowed in his brain. What was happening to him? Cold words weren’t who he was. This wasn’t him. He swallowed hard.
“Brand, wait, it wasn’t like that, I didn’t have a choice. I—”
“There’s always a choice, Car. You made it crystal clear what yours was.”
“Please, Brand. Just let me ex—”
“Don’t.” Brand scanned the treetops and inhaled deeply. The shock of seeing Carson had faded, and his adrenaline began to slip away. “Look, we’re not kids anymore. I don’t know why you’re here, and it’s really not my concern. Trust me, I just want to live the life I built after you left.” He rolled his lips. “I don’t need you coming back and resurrecting shit that should just be left alone. Just keep to your business, and I’ll keep to mine, okay? I’ve moved on.”
Brand stepped toward the ambulance and made a move to open the door.
“If we can just meet up later and talk?”
James knocked on the window and motioned for Brand to wrap it up.
“I’ve got to get back to work.”
Brand opened the door and got in the rig. He tried to focus on the road in front of him, but his eyes kept peeking at the side mirror as the ambulance pulled away. Carson stood in the distance. A dark cloud fixed itself above his head and he took out his phone. He had to text Ryan. She’d help him wrap his head around this whole fucked up situation.
“Yep,” James said, oblivious to Brand’s mood. “I knew it. Just like I said. Total d-bag.”
Chapter Nine
Oh my fucking Lord, he’s as gorgeous as I remembered… and he hates my guts.
In truth, Brand was even more good looking than he remembered. Carson knew he’d always been interested in becoming a paramedic, but he hadn’t realized just how well it suited him. And, he certainly hadn’t considered that Brand would be the one to come to his house today. All rescuey and in charge and—
Get a hold of yourself.
Of all the first responders in all the world, Brand was the one to answer the call. It had to be a sign. A divine signal telling him there was still time to make things right. Or at least that’s what he chose to believe. Because when he heard Brand’s smooth as caramel voice after many long years of drought, all sorts of old memories came flooding back like a tsunami.
“Fuck me,” he said as the ambulance turned the corner. He was going to have his work cut out for him.
“That could’ve gone a lot worse, you know?”
Cassie walked up to where he stood. The ambulance was out of sight, but he didn’t have the will to move. Brand had been there. He’d been so close and nowhere near as close as Carson had wanted him to be. She tugged on his arm and led him to the privacy of their front porch.
“Worse? How, Cass? He hates my fucking guts. I could practically feel the rage.” He twisted his lip. “And, you know what? I don’t blame him. I was a prick. He deserves better… for a friend.”
Cassie rolled her eyes and took a seat on the old wood bench, patting the spot next to her until he sat down.
“I know about you and Brand. So does Mom.”
His posture stiffened. “How long?”
“For me? I had a feeling right after you left. He didn’t necessarily tell me anything. I mostly guessed, but he was shit at lying, even though he tried. You two were different together, the connection was just… more, even for best friends. I don’t know. I may have only been fourteen when you left, but I wasn’t that naïve.” She rubbed the back of her neck. “But I didn’t really know until after we found all Dad’s stuff. And then Mom and I had a little talk.” Hooking her arm through his, she rested her head on his bicep. “Brand’s a good person, Car. How did you expect him to react? You broke his heart. You broke all our hearts. Those first couple of months were torture. I mean, I was so pissed at you. We’d try and come up with the real reason for you leaving, where you were, what you were doing…. It was agony.”
“Cass, I—”
“Then, after Dad died, and Mom found some of his… things. Journals, pamphlets, propaganda… horrific photos from hate rallies he attended when we thought he was at law conferences….” Her lips curled in disgust. “After the shock of it all settled, it didn’t take long for us to put it together. Car, she hasn’t been to his grave since after the funeral and doesn’t plan on ever going. Me neither. To know someone for so long, then discover they were a monster… a goddamn psychopath….” She shook her head, snapping herself out of her thoughts. “I understand why you did what you did. And, I don’t think you did anything that warrants my forgiveness, but if you need to hear it, I forgive you. No one should have to make a choice like you were forced to. And you don’t have to pretend to be something you’re not anymore. We love you. Period. All of you. And Brand? Well, we love him too.”
Carson’s
face grew hot. When his mother and sister first reached out after his father’s death, he’d felt a sense of ease. A quiet solace. But that hadn’t been in person. Hearing the words on the phone had been one thing, hearing them come from his sister’s mouth face-to-face brought more comfort than he knew what to do with. And now to know that they didn’t hold any anger against him, that they’d accepted the knowledge that he and Brand had once been lovers and still loved him… tears slipped down his cheeks as relief consumed him. “I’m so sorry, Cass. I should’ve reached out sooner. I—”
Cassie embraced him from the side, her arms wrapping around his middle. “I know you are, I know. When you eventually started calling home regularly, that made it better, easier for Mom and me. But what about Brand? Did you ever give him a call? Let him know you were okay? Explain what happened? Car, I’ve never known anyone who was as completely and totally in love with you like Brand was.”
“He told you that?”
Cassie rolled her eyes. “He didn’t have to. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure it out. It was plain as day.”
A blow punched Carson in the stomach as he focused in on one word. Was. Brand was in love with him. As in past tense.
Panic gripped his chest. Had he actually thought coming back here would solve anything? That everything would be just as he’d left it? That Tahoe had been in a vacuum, waiting for his return? His throat closed as a sour taste climbed his esophagus. He pushed the sick back down.
“I didn’t have a choice,” he said quietly. “I had to leave. What was I supposed to do? You’ve seen the shit Dad collected. How could I even begin to gamble with everyone else’s life?”
Cassie’s eyes glistened with tears. “No one blames you, Car. Not Mom. Not me. I can’t imagine having to make a choice like that ever, and I hate myself for not seeing what kind of person that man really was. It disgusts me.” She squeezed him tighter. “You did what you thought was right. And the sacrifice you made protected us? It was… there’s nothing I can ever do to take that away. But Brand doesn’t know any of it. Think of it from his perspective. Don’t you owe it to him to try and make it right? Even if he hates you?”
