by E. H. Lyon
My withdrawal created distance between us, until a week later when he begged me to stay. “I want you to stay. We can take time, anything. Just —just stay…”
But I chose to leave.
“Jake, I can’t stay. It’s too painful. Too many reminders.” The words still seethe with pain when I remember how we were an intertwined mess of tears and emotion standing in his kitchen. “We don’t have to be together because of a baby now. You’re off the hook. I’m not your responsibility anymore. I need to figure this out on my own. Jake, you deserve everything that will make you happy, but right now, we only remind each other of what we lost.”
He reluctantly let me pull away before I kissed his inner wrist as a form of goodbye.
And that was that.
He drapes an arm around my shoulder, bringing me to lean against him and letting me continue.
“For months I was lost. I could think of a hundred reasons why losing him was my fault.” Tears form and are on the verge of falling. He adjusts his position, and his hands cup my face forcefully, so I have no choice but to look at him.
“Hey. It is not your fault. It’s no one’s fault,” he assures me firmly.
“It took me awhile, but I do accept it now.”
“We will never know why it happened, but one day, you will maybe have another baby, and fate just gave you a different timeline.” Jakes says this with a kindness and vulnerability that I recognize. I want to tell him that I struggle seeing myself having a baby with anyone else. Not since I envisioned having our baby together. But maybe that is too much.
“Maybe…”
The sound of the rain outside fills the room.
My free hand grabs my wine glass and I take a sip to calm my nerves. Jake follows suit. After, we both set our glasses down and we look at each other. Because we know this is not going to get easier.
He pulls me to his chest as he leans back on the sofa, taking me with him. We both breathe and take in the silence.
“You shouldn’t have left. I was hurting too,” he states, yet continues to hold me close and stroke my hair with his fingers.
“I was hurting for a long time, but it was also worse because I didn’t have you near. You must be so angry at me for leaving like that.” I state, pushing softly against his chest and moving away so I can see his face.
He bites his lip and rubs the back of his head.
“I was—it felt like a knife ripped through me. Sometimes, I still want to be angry. You took away our chance of being together. You could have stayed, and we would have tried being together for the long haul. But I knew how traumatic it was for you, it was your body that went through it. I had the shitty ringside seat. I figured I was just too much of a reminder for you.”
My throat aches from how honest he is being, how understanding. “And now?”
“This conversation is maybe the closure we needed about the baby. We finally have it.” He touches my cheek with his thumb and lets his eyes look deeply into mine. Then he pulls me back to his chest.
There is a silence between us, yet it feels comforting. I let out a deep exhale.
“I was going to reach out to you when I was ready.” My throat feels like it’s cracking, and a pain in my heart is discouraging another truth that I need to tell him.
“Why didn’t you reach out?” he asks, one-toned.
“Guilt, mostly… I walked away. But then a year later…” It reluctantly comes out of my mouth and I look away from his gaze.
“Avery, what happened a year later?” His tone is stern.
Sighing, I get up off the sofa and walk to the window where I cross my arms and look out. “For some reason, I decided to look you up online, even though I knew your contact details. But I needed a clue where you were in your life…”
I feel his eyes on me. “And?”
“I saw an article on you about a case you won and there was photo of you with a woman. I just assumed…”
Glancing behind my shoulder, I see Jake’s eyes darkening and his nostrils almost flaring.
I continue on, “I was scared I would mess up your life if I reached out. You were on the high track career-wise when I left. I thought with time you’d found someone. I didn’t want to ruin that for you. Maybe I was a reminder for you of what we lost, or you couldn’t get past the fact I left. I didn’t reach out, and I regret that.”
He lets out a bitter laugh to himself and rubs a hand across his face. “Avery, there was nobody. My guess is you saw the photo of me and one of the long-standing partners’ daughter’s. Nothing happened.”
We stare at one another as we take in all the facts about our post-us life. I return to sitting on the couch.
He speaks first. “I phoned your brother two months after you left.”
I’m taken aback by his statement. He continues, “I didn’t know what you did or did not tell him about us, so I casually asked how you were. He said you seemed different and couldn’t figure out why. I wanted to get on the first flight to you, but I didn’t want you to hurt more by seeing me, because you had begged me to leave you alone when you left.”
My throat cracks from the fact that we both wanted to reach out.
He touches my shoulder and I glance down at his hand. “But if you had contacted me, then yeah, I would have rushed at the chance to see you. Becoming named partner at the firm went to the bottom of my priority pile after that summer, and finding someone else was just fucking impossible. It’s different for me, maybe because I don’t have the same physical connection to the miscarriage? Sure, seeing you makes me think of the baby, but mostly I think of everything else with you… the fun and amazing things with you.”
We both look at each other, realizing we both have misgivings about the fallout, yet we find a comfortable embrace. This is the way it should have been all those years ago. Coping together, holding each other, never letting go. I fit in his hold, I feel at ease in his arms, and he belongs in my life, always has. We sit there for what seems like ages.
My fingers place lazy designs over his chest, and I breathe in the feeling of his arms wrapped around me, smelling his scent and taking notice of the way his chest moves.
Letting memories of him float in and out of my head, as new possibilities appear scattered in my thoughts. He must feel this too.
Relief. Peace. Hope.
After a while, I go to the bathroom and clear up my raccoon eyes and return to the living room, where we finish our much-needed wine in one gulp and set the glasses on the kitchen counter.
Yet still, I feel numb, and maybe he feels it too. Our conversation affected us. I return to the living room and I just fall into his comforting embrace again as we sprawl out on the sofa.
“Well, that was an upbeat conversation.” I’m 100% sarcastic, which Jake appreciates.
“Do you want something to eat? It’s past dinner time,” Jake offers, but I shake my head no. “What time is it?” I ask, grabbing his wrist with his grandfather’s watch, letting my finger brush the glass of the watch face.
“Almost eight.”
“I forget how I lose track of time when I’m with you.” I try to crack a smile.
It’s true. We met at three for a walk, and now here we are.
I smile softly. “Thankfully, I’m off tomorrow. I think I may need it after this afternoon.”
“Lucky. I have to be in court by ten. But I feel better now that we’ve had this conversation. My emotions may still be a little thrown, but it feels right that we spoke about it. We still have a lot to talk about when it comes to us.” He’s candid and that awes me.
Us. That label floats around me with promise. My head locks in on that word.
There is a pause and I hesitate, but decide to just ask.
“Do you think I can stay here tonight? Just to sleep,” I ask gently and clarify what I mean as he continues to stroke my hair as I lean against his chest.
He kisses the top of my head. “Yeah, absolutely. I can grab some sheets for the spare room.”
My head peers up. Shaking my head gently no.
“I don’t want to be alone, and your arms feel right. Can we just sleep?” I request and explain.
His face has a grin that quickly widens with a short chortle escaping him. He gives me a warm knowing look. “Did you really think I was going to let you sleep in the guest room? Not a fucking chance.”
It makes me smile and my cheek muscles tighten with joy.
“Oh? The coveted new bed that no other woman has seen?” I tease and wiggle my eyebrows as I get up and off the couch.
I could have sworn he mumbled you’re the only woman who will ever see it, but I’m not sure if my ears are playing tricks. “What was that?” I tilt my head to the side.
A look of fun spreads across his face, “Get upstairs, Avery,” he orders and scoots me forward.
“Bossy.”
A few minutes later, I wait for him as I lie in the middle of the bed on top of the covers, wearing nothing but a t-shirt he gave me to wear, and it most definitely doesn’t cover my legs. A week ago, I maybe would have been nervous with a thin wall around me. Now, this feels comfortable, easy, and my heart races. I do not need walls; I can be myself.
He emerges from the bathroom wearing sweatpants and no shirt. I swallow and maybe even curse under my breath. His perfectly defined body and muscles seem to have developed even more under this light.
He draws in a breath. “I am a good guy tonight,” he reminds himself softly through clenched teeth as he looks at me, which makes me smile.
“How do you want me?” I ask, knowing very well that line was sizzling with innuendo, and my voice was a tad on the side of inviting. But I want to make him laugh.
Jake shakes his head with an amused grin and his hand meets his forehead. “Avery, you’re killing me here.”
“What? I don’t remember which side of the bed you sleep on. It has been a while. Maybe you changed your routine,” I shrug, biting my lip.
Jake looks at me, puzzled, and then lets out a small laugh. “Really? It doesn’t matter to me,” he says as I move, and he throws the covers back so I can crawl in.
I can’t seem to take my eyes off of him, and I appear to be the target of his gaze too.
“Do you mind if I sleep just in boxers?” he asks as a true gentleman would, pointing to his sweatpants.
I shake my head no. “After what went down on your kitchen counter, now you want to be polite about removing clothing?” I tease with an entertained look.
“Says the one who unbuckled my belt and begged,” he counters.
“Debating with an attorney is pointless,” I say with resignation, and give him a look of defeat.
Satisfied, he takes his watch off, setting it on the side table, and throws his sweatpants to the floor before crawling into bed.
Normally, I would give a guy credit for sleeping in a bed half-naked next to a woman. But this isn’t like that. We need this contact. This comfort.
We both roll to our sides and look at each other, meeting in the middle of the bed and sharing a pillow even though he has four. His fingers push some strands of my hair behind my ear. When he removes his hand, I stop him and keep his hand on my face by placing my hand on top of his. Our eyes lock with each other. We’re enjoying being this close, saying nothing, just listening to the hail against the window.
“Is it crazy that I only now feel like I finally have closure about what happened? As if I could only have it because of you? The missing piece. I’ve kept it in for so long, as if you are the only one I could share it with,” I admit gently.
His fingers clutch my lower jaw, and he props my chin up to ensure our eyes look deeply into each other’s.
“Not crazy at all. It’s how I feel too.”
He kisses my cheek, a long slow lingering kiss, and I do not want his lips to leave. Then he reaches behind him to turn the light off. He returns to the middle of the bed where our arms find each other, and I prop a leg over his hip.
“I don’t know what happens now,” I whisper in the dark as I nuzzle into his chest.
“Me neither,” he confesses softly, and he kisses me on the forehead as I squeeze him tighter.
My head tilts up, and through the small amount of light coming through the drapes, I can see the outline of Jake’s face. He looks down at me and very quickly our lips meet for a gentle reconnection. Soft and sweet. We could easily consume each other now, I’m sure, but this is not that kind of night. After holding the kiss for a few seconds, we pull away and fall into an embrace of sleep.
The most comforting night of sleep of my life, feeling safe and cared for, as if no time has passed.
Being with him.
Because he has a piece of me that nobody else ever will, but I’m not sure I know how to handle that, or if I can get past the fact that I walked away. Maybe this is only closure. Not everyone gets that second chance to try again.
But surely this all has to mean something. We must be heading somewhere. Closing one chapter and opening another.
Chapter Twelve
Jake
Waking at seven, my eyes blink a few times, and my arm feels numb. Smiling to myself, I see the evidence in my arms of a surreal night. I have been waiting five years for a glimmer of closure, and last night we had something that felt close.
I never thought I would see Avery again, let alone be able to have an open and raw conversation like that. Sleeping together and holding each other just felt right. The way we needed to end the day.
As I shift slightly, trying not to wake her, her body moves gently as a soft throaty mumble escapes her. Avery’s arm tightens around me as she continues to sleep. She looks angelic and like she belongs in my bed.
She really does.
This is the woman who I was going to have forever with. It hurt so much when she walked away, but I understand where her mind was. I always figured it would take her awhile to overcome what happened to her, to us. Now I know it certainly did take time.
Avery wasn’t herself when she left me all those years ago, but now when I see her smiling as she looks at cakes in her bakery… I guess her spark did eventually return in some form. She’s in a good place in her life, and I’m happy her decisions led her here to where I am.
By eight, I’m standing in the kitchen drinking a coffee, wondering if I should wake her or let her sleep in as I need to leave by nine. Heading to my room, I lean down and kiss her forehead softly and look at her as she lies there, entangled in the sheets with her legs on display. Her light brown hair is sprawled out on the pillow. My bed will smell of her vanilla scent. She’s a beautiful wreck.
Deciding I don’t want to wake her as she was sleeping so peacefully, I leave a note and a spare key on the pillow next to her.
Avery,
I didn’t want to wake you. I had to get to court, but stay as long as you want. Coffee is in the kitchen. Use the spare key when you leave. Last night needed to happen.
Jake xx
By 12, I’m out of court and look at my phone to see Avery texted me.
Avery: Last night was something, Jake. And I only just woke at 11. I haven’t slept that deep or long since Chicago. Thank you xx
I let my thumb slide along my phone screen so I can re-read the message a few times, with a smile forming on my lips.
Me: Anytime. xx
I’m meeting Lucas for lunch and see he’s waiting at a table for me. Giving him a nod, I slide into the booth.
“There you are. You went MIA yesterday. Couldn’t reach you,” Lucas says as he pours soy sauce into a dish.
“Yeah, sorry. Had something going on,” I tell him as neutrally as possible.
My phone vibrates.
Avery: By the way, I now have your shirt.
Me: Keep it. You wear it better than me.
Avery: Good answer.
“What are you smiling about? Something to do with Avery? You saw her yesterday, no?” Lucas asks with a piece of sushi in his mouth.
I look up at Lucas who is
studying me.
“Oh man, someone is smitten,” he teases.
“It isn’t like that. Really.” Because Avery is more than that to me. That thought takes over me and he must pick up on my face change.
“Everything okay?” Lucas raises, concerned.
“It’s complicated between Avery and me. But something happened yesterday that we both needed,” I begin. “No, we didn’t have sex,” I clarify. Well, we almost did, but I don’t think my friend needs to hear the details of what happened on my expensive counter.
“Okay, go on,” Lucas is intrigued.
“When Avery and I were together five years ago, it was only supposed to be a no-strings kind of thing, but it turned to more—a lot more… it just wasn’t meant to be.” I adjust my shoulder when I say that.
Lucas leans back in his seat and looks at me.
“We needed yesterday for closure. I needed it for closure. Now that we have it, I wonder—no, I know there is something else for us,” I profess, because I feel that I can look to the future, and I want her to be part of it.
“Sounds like something worth exploring,” Lucas encourages. “I’m sure you both changed in the last five years, but I can imagine for the better. Do you still feel something when you’re with her?” Lucas asks as he takes a drink from his iced tea.
“Yeah, I do, and I think she does too. It just feels easy between us. Natural. That chemistry is still fire. But how do you pick up after such a long break?”
“One of you takes the lead and then you go for it.” Lucas offers a comforting smile and pushes the plate of sushi my way.
Taking the lead is something I can do. I want to do. Now that we got the difficult discussion out of the way, I am not letting Avery walk away. I am determined, and she never could resist that characteristic.
I mean, fuck, I’m almost 35 and drive an Audi SUV. It’s time to fill it with a wife and kids, maybe a dog too. Who better than the woman I was going to ask to spend forever with? And seeing her now, I want to ask her again for forever. Granted, I should maybe start with dinner first…
My phone vibrates again.
Avery: And the key? What should I do with it?
