by Jackie D.
“Ms. Thorne,” Sergeant Cox said as he pulled a small notepad from his jacket pocket. “We’re here to get a better understanding of the situation involving your brother. You know that he turned himself in and admitted to trafficking Fentanyl. Now, with the amount he had, and seeing as he crossed state lines with it, he’s looking at a minimum of five years in jail.”
Sergeant Cox was still talking, but Harlow’s head had started buzzing. Her chest felt constricted, and she could feel sweat beading at her temples. Five years at a minimum. Harlow started to imagine everything Casper would miss in those five years. Her breathing grew more shallow, and she thought she might faint.
Audrey grabbed her hand and squeezed. Harlow tried to focus on the sensation. If she could tether herself to Audrey’s strength, she could make it through this.
“What is it exactly that you want to know, Sergeant?” Harlow was relieved that her voice sounded stronger than it felt.
“When were you first made aware of your brother’s activities?”
“A few weeks ago,” Harlow said.
“And you had no idea prior to that? No inkling something was wrong? No reason to think your tour bus was being used for anything other than equipment?”
Harlow blinked several times as she let the words settle. “No. I had no idea. I’m not really involved with any of the logistics in that area. Casper and the tour manager oversaw everything for transport.” Harlow shook her head. Her limbs felt incredibly heavy. “I’m sorry I can’t be of more help. I really don’t know anything else.”
Sergeant Cox clicked his pen. “Mr. Thorne has been cooperative. This was a bit of a formality. We’re trying to cover all our bases. Your brother isn’t the biggest fish in this net.” He glanced over at his partner, and it was the first time Harlow had bothered to notice him. “He’s hesitant to divulge everything. There are certain things we need from him to move forward. We may even be able to reduce his sentence if he’s helpful. Is that something you could assist us with?”
Harlow thought back to what Casper had told her that night and what the officer was saying now. He’d gotten the patches from someone. If they were going to go after his supplier, what did that mean for Casper? Was he in more danger? She felt like she was going to be sick. She’d practically forced Casper to turn himself in. What if that was a mistake? What if he got hurt?
“I can try to talk to him,” Harlow whispered. That hadn’t been her intention, and the words clung to the sides of her throat, not wanting to escape. “I’ll see what I can do.”
The officers seemed pleased by that as they simultaneously flashed her bright smiles. They took their leave, and as soon as the door shut, she was practically on top of Rick. “You need to go help Casper, and I need to see him.”
“Are you sure? When this first happened, you told me not to get involved. You said you didn’t want to be involved.” Rick picked up his briefcase.
Harlow started pacing. “I’m sure. I don’t know who he was working for or how dangerous they are. Casper needs all the help he can get. I want to make sure precautions are taken for him. Maybe we can get them to agree to house arrest. I’m scared something will happen to him if he has to go to prison.” She opened the door, hoping to hurry him along. “Please, just do whatever you can. Let me know when I can see him. The sooner, the better.”
Audrey was by her side as soon as the door closed. “Hey, it’s okay.”
Harlow leaned into Audrey, thankful for the support. Her feelings were bouncing all over. It was like there was a racquetball ricocheting inside her. She wasn’t sure how to handle all her shifting emotions at once. She wanted it to stop.
Audrey grabbed her shoulders. “What can I do to help?”
Part of Harlow felt like collapsing onto the couch and never moving again. The other part of her wanted to run until her legs stopped working. She wasn’t sure which to do or what was more effective.
She stared at Audrey, hoping to find the answer somewhere in her eyes. “I think I need to go for a run.”
Audrey didn’t miss a beat. “Okay, I’ll go with you.”
Harlow’s initial instinct was to say no. She needed to get whatever this was out of her system. She needed to feel something other than dread and impending doom—even if it was exhaustion. But the expression of care and concern on Audrey’s face changed her mind.
“Okay,” Harlow said.
Harlow went to change into running clothes. She was grateful to have something to do, even if it was only temporary. She could focus on hammering her body to the point of exhaustion. Was it the best use of her energy? Probably not. But it was something.
Chapter Thirty-one
Audrey followed Harlow dutifully out of the house. She seemed single-minded in her need, just as she had when they’d had sex two hours before. It felt like Harlow was trying to outrun what was going on, and Audrey was concerned. She’d learned a long time ago that if you didn’t face your feelings head-on, they would blow up in your face. But now wasn’t the time to have that conversation. She wanted to support her, and if that meant running thirty miles, or whatever Harlow had in mind, she’d be there.
They made it down the long winding driveway, through the gate, and straight into a wall of reporters. The look on Harlow’s face was one of unmitigated anger. She pushed past their shouting questions and their large cameras and onto the street. A few tried to catch up but were quickly cut off by two of her security guards. One dutifully followed them at a slight distance in his car. Audrey matched her pace, wanting to stay close. She glanced over at Harlow, trying to think of what to say to make her feel better. But what could she say? Harlow seemed on the verge of several different emotional breaking points, and Audrey didn’t want to push her over any of them. She stayed close and hoped that would be enough.
Sixty minutes later, Audrey glanced down at her watch. They’d run almost nine miles, and her legs were burning. She enjoyed running, but this was something different. She finally couldn’t take it any longer, and she bent over, grabbing her knees.
Harlow stopped. “You okay?”
Between heaving breaths, Audrey managed to choke out a few words. “I can’t keep up this pace.”
“Then go back.” There was no anger in Harlow’s voice. The words seemed to be meant as a simple statement.
“I don’t want to leave you alone right now.” Audrey put her hands on her hips, still gasping for air.
“I don’t need you here. I’ll be fine. I’ll call you when I get home.” Harlow didn’t spare her another glance as she took off down the street.
Audrey wanted to follow her, but her legs wouldn’t allow it. Her body had reached its threshold. Maybe I should have trained for that marathon with Kylie. She flopped down on the park bench and opened her phone. There were several missed calls and texts from Jane and a few from Kylie. She hadn’t answered them while they were running because she wanted Harlow to know she was completely present if she needed her.
She sent a message to Kylie asking for her to get her. Luckily, Kylie’s response was almost instant. She let her thumb hover over Jane’s contact for a beat, but she couldn’t avoid her forever, so she hit the call button and waited for her to pick up—she only waited for two rings.
“You didn’t go to the set today?” Jane’s tone was lingering right around the irate tipping point.
“No, but I will be there tomorrow.” Contrary to her feelings, Audrey tried to sound resolute.
“You can’t just call in sick, Audrey. If you aren’t there, other people can’t do their jobs. It affects everything.”
Audrey leaned forward on her knees. She’d long since gotten her breathing under control, but now her head was starting to pound. “They had someone read for me. I’ll be there tomorrow.”
“I just saw you on TMZ going for a run with Harlow. How do you think that will play with the director? The other actors? It was completely unprofessional.” Jane was edging closer to the irate line. “Not to mention you’re tr
ying to start a new business. Do you think this comes off as reliable?”
Audrey pinched the bridge of her nose. “Harlow needed me.”
Jane was quiet for so long Audrey checked her phone to see if the call had dropped. “Harlow needed you? That’s your response? I’m sorry, but that isn’t good enough.”
“It was one day, Jane. We had to take a whole month off for Derek to go to rehab a year ago.” Anger started to churn in her chest, but she did her best to tamp it down.
Jane let out a dramatic laugh. “Your entire image is wrapped up in being an American sweetheart. People love you because you’re funny and cute and utterly devoid of scandal. Derek and other people like him get away with that behavior because it’s baked into their image. You don’t have that luxury.”
Kylie pulled up, and Audrey hurried to get inside the car. “So you’re worried about what, exactly? Me losing my fans because I took a day off to support my friend? You realize how ridiculous that sounds, right?”
“You keep expecting things to be fair—or equal, Audrey. They’re not. The sooner you figure that out, the longer your career will be. I won’t be able to help you if you go too far off the rails.”
Audrey was beside herself. “Off the rails? Harlow got terrible news about her brother. I was there for moral support.”
Jane sighed loudly. “Casper Thorne was involved in drug trafficking and sucked his sister, her tour, and her image into the mix. You want to support her, do it quietly, or your name will forever be tied to this mess. You cannot afford that right now.” There were several long car horns in the background. “Listen, I have to go. Think about what I said, and make sure you’re on set tomorrow.” She hung up before Audrey thought to respond.
Audrey fought the urge to throw her phone out the window. She covered her face, overwhelmed by the anger, sadness, and concern raging through her.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Kylie’s voice was just above a whisper, and her face was etched with concern.
Did she want to talk about it? Yes. No. She didn’t know. She wasn’t sure where to start. She wanted to be there for Harlow; image be damned. She wanted to be able to tell her that everything was going to be okay. But Jane wasn’t wrong either. She was trying to juggle a million balls, and she was scared that if any of them dropped, they all would. Harlow was important, but so was her career. She needed to figure out a way to manage both amid the chaos.
“No, I’m fine.” Audrey stared out the window and clenched her jaw, hoping it would stop the tears that were welling at the edge of her eyes.
Kylie rubbed her arm. “If you’re not, I’m here.”
“Thanks.”
Audrey thought about having Kylie take her to Harlow’s, but she didn’t. Harlow didn’t want her there. In fact, Harlow had almost seemed relieved to go without her. Anxiety started to build in her chest. What if Harlow decided a relationship, especially one where she had to deal with more press, wasn’t what she wanted right now? She told herself that it wasn’t personal—wanting space was a completely normal reaction. Harlow had a lot to process with everything going on. All Audrey could do was hope that when the dust settled a bit, she’d still want her there.
* * *
Harlow paced the length of her pool with her cell clutched tightly in her hand. Her lawyer had said to expect a call from her brother, and the waiting was killing her. Her stomach had been churning, and there was a burning sensation at the back of her throat.
The phone rang, and she picked it up before the first ring ended. “Hello?”
“Hey, Low.” Casper sounded exhausted. “How are you?”
She had a million things she wanted to say, but now she could only muster two words. “I’m sorry.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong, Low. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I dragged you into this mess, and I’m sorry it’s impacting you.”
“Are you okay? Are you safe?” Harlow needed to know the answer before she could move forward with anything else.
“As good as can be expected.” He was quiet for what seemed like a full minute. “Where are you?”
“Home.”
“You need to get back on the road. This can’t affect the tour.”
Harlow wanted to ask him how it could not affect the tour. She could hardly think of anything but him. She couldn’t concentrate. The paparazzi weren’t following her around for fun pictures—they were hammering her with questions at every opportunity. Plus, it wasn’t just the added external stress she was feeling. Casper had betrayed her. He’d risked everything she’d built—they’d built. She was alone, and she’d never dealt with that before. Casper had always been there, on her side.
“Have you decided what you’re going to do?” She didn’t want to talk about music, worried she’d reveal how she was feeling toward him.
“Not yet. We’re waiting for the prosecutor to make his offer.”
She leaned on her railing that overlooked Los Angeles. “When this is over, are you going to get help?” There was a long pause. “You have a gambling addiction. You need help.”
“It’s not an addiction. I just had a really unlucky streak. I was going to turn it around. I just needed more time.”
Images of her father flooded her mind. She remembered finding him covered in his own vomit. Listening to him yell at and beat their mother. She could still smell the gin on his breath when he’d grab her and force her to converse with him during his fleeting moments of parental intrusion. She remembered the crying, the meaningless apologies, the broken promises, and the way her mother gave in to him at every turn. She remembered when he broke her guitar one night in a fit of rage because she’d left it downstairs instead of in her room. She remembered all of it. She choked on those memories now as she listened to Casper spin a different version of the same addiction.
“No,” she said, her voice even. “You need to get help. Jesus, Casp. Don’t be Dad.”
“You’re overreacting, Low. Yes, I fucked up with the drugs—big time. But the gambling thing is under control.”
Harlow had never understood when people talked about how they could feel their hearts literally breaking. She got it now. Her chest burned with such ferocity she had to put her hand against it to make sure it didn’t burst from her chest. She tried to speak, but the words caught in her throat, intertwined with disappointment and pain.
“Look around you, Casper. Look where you are and keep telling yourself that. If you can really say that after all that’s happened, you’re further gone than I thought. I have to go.” She hung up before he could say anything.
She slid down the glass wall and turned her phone off, not wanting to talk to anyone. Then, she let her tears come. Her body shook and lurched, mimicking the rollercoaster that seemed to gobble up every available emotion.
Chapter Thirty-two
Audrey tamped down her annoyance toward her costar. This was the sixth time they’d taken a break for him to go over his lines. To be fair, he at least acted embarrassed by his mental lapse, but she wasn’t in the mindset to deal with it.
She flopped down on the chair and took the water offered to her as she checked her phone for the hundredth time that day. It had been twelve hours since she’d heard from Harlow, but it felt like twelve years. There’d been no response to her texts or calls, but she didn’t want to simply show up at Harlow’s place if she really didn’t want to talk to anyone. She handed the phone back to Kylie with more indignation than she’d intended.
“Everything okay?” Kylie tucked the phone into her hip pack.
“Yup. Everything is great.” She winced at the anger in her voice. “Sorry, it’s not your fault.”
“It’s okay. You’re under a lot of stress.”
Audrey rubbed her temples, hoping to push some pressure away. “Regardless, I shouldn’t take it out on you.” Kylie’s eyebrows shot up as she scrolled through her phone. “What? What is it?” Kylie glanced over at the stagehands resetting the stage. “Show me. I need to know.
”
Kylie handed her the phone. “Could be nothing. You know how these sites are always just chasing a story.”
Audrey read the headline. Harlow Thorne Has the Worst Performance of Her Career. She scanned the article. Could this be the end of the Queen of Pop? Harlow forgot several words to her songs while on stage Friday night. When asked about her brother’s impending conviction, Ms. Thorne became so enraged she pushed one of the reporters from Teen Jams to the ground. Ms. Thorne, who normally stops for photographs and autographs with her fans, hurried past wearing an oversized sweatshirt and dark sunglasses.
Audrey handed the phone back to Kylie. “I need to get to Boston.”
Kylie leaned against her chair. “You still have six days of shooting left.”
“I don’t care. I need to get out there. I’ll be back tomorrow for the four o’clock call time.” Audrey tossed the water bottle onto her chair and went back to her blocked position.
Jane’s words played through her mind as she took her position. She knew what her opinion would be, and she didn’t care. She wasn’t going to let Harlow go through this alone. She loved her. Shit. Love? Was she in love with Harlow? She was playing with the words in her head, but she already knew the answer. Yes, she loved Harlow. She’d known it the first time they’d kissed. Everything after had just confirmed what her heart had known the whole time. She’d make it back in time for her call time tomorrow. She could be there for Harlow and still keep the ship steady with her career. She needed to be there.
* * *
Harlow opened and closed her hands in her dressing room. She stared at the way they were trembling and willed them to stop. This performance had been worse than the last. She’d missed dance steps, her voice was off-key, and every time she tried to let the energy of the arena wash it away, she was racked with an overwhelming feeling of imposter syndrome. She didn’t know how to change it, and worse, she didn’t know how to escape it.
