by Jackie D.
She looked into Audrey’s beautiful eyes. “Hi.”
Chapter Thirty-eight
Audrey had spent over half her life acting. Some would even say she was rather good at her chosen profession. Hell, she even had a few awards to prove her worth in the field. She tried to conjure every ounce of talent when she heard Harlow’s voice come through the speakers. The moment Harlow mentioned her name people turned to look at her, and she had to school her features to make sure she didn’t give anything away. But she loved her voice. She loved it raspy with exhaustion, when she was excited, nervous, and when her desire flared. Harlow’s voice had a way of making Audrey feel like she was being caressed.
Harlow’s public declaration was sweet and honest. Audrey knew how much it would’ve taken her to proclaim her feelings. She’d been avoiding media attention since the incident with her brother. Seeing her walking across the crowded event was like something out of a movie. Audrey was still trying to link words together to make a coherent sentence by the time Harlow reached her.
“Can we talk?” Harlow looked down at their entwined hands.
The uncertainty in Harlow’s expression tugged at her heart. She looked over at Kylie, who gave her a conspiratorial wink. “Sure. I have someone I need to speak to.”
Harlow looked around and pulled her into a roped-off area in the corner. The bouncer let them through without issue, and Harlow thanked him. She sat on the couch next to Harlow and noticed she’d intentionally put space between them.
Harlow looked exceedingly nervous, so Audrey spoke first. “How have you been?”
Harlow looked like she was going to take her hand but changed her mind. “Not great. I, umm…I’m not sure where to start.” She ran her hand through her hair.
“The beginning would be great.” Audrey didn’t mean to sound harsh, but the now-familiar sting of rejection sizzled at the surface. It had dissipated with the initial realization Harlow had come to win her back, but it didn’t take away the hurt.
Harlow nodded slowly and seemed to search for the words she wanted to say. “I pushed you away. I convinced myself that I didn’t deserve you, and that you’d be better off without me. I saw my old life coming back. I thought it was all going to be taken away. I thought I was going to lose you, so I made the decision before you could. I couldn’t bear the thought of you realizing that I wasn’t good enough for you, and I couldn’t handle the guilt of messing with your career, either.” She wiped a tear from her eye, but her body gave no other indication she was crying. “I didn’t realize how much I had to work through until I had no other choice.” She finally took her hand, running her thumb over Audrey’s skin. “I love you. I should’ve told you before. I shouldn’t have let you walk out that door. I’m so sorry.”
Audrey’s heart was screaming for her to grab Harlow and kiss her. She wanted to hug her and tell her everything would be okay. She wanted her to know that none of what happened mattered. But the words wouldn’t come out. She couldn’t let go of how easy it had been for Harlow to dismiss her when things got hard. She couldn’t stop thinking about all the opportunities Harlow had to share her struggle and concern. Need and want were being rapidly replaced by fear, and no matter how badly she wanted it not to be the case—it was there.
“I need some time to think.” She took Harlow’s hands in her own and almost gasped at the jolt that ran through her when they touched. “I appreciate you saying everything you did. But I was devastated when you didn’t want me, and you’ve really, really hurt me. I want to believe you now. I just need some time.”
The countdown to the New Year started, and Audrey held tight to her words while trying to ignore Harlow’s pained expression. She wanted desperately to kiss all the sadness from her cheeks, but she stayed rooted to her spot.
The partygoers erupted in cheers and started the New Year’s ritual of hugging and kissing. But neither Audrey nor Harlow fell into celebration. Audrey leaned over and kissed Harlow’s cheek. She smelled the same, and Audrey let her face rest against hers for a moment.
She finally pulled herself away. “We’ll talk soon. I promise.”
As she walked away to find Kylie, her heart screamed for her to stop, but her brain kept her moving forward. She wasn’t sure if she was doing the right thing, but it was the safe thing. She’d never bothered to protect her heart before, and she’d always been the one left to pick up the pieces. She wasn’t going to do that again. She was going to stay a little longer for the sake of appearances, but it was quickly clear all people wanted to talk about was Harlow’s romantic gesture and how great it was she was coming out. Audrey found Kylie and tugged on her sleeve and didn’t have to say a word. They left and although Kylie hadn’t said a word the whole way home, she turned on her the moment they walked through the front door.
“Did I miss something? I thought you wanted to be with Harlow?”
Audrey dropped her purse on the kitchen table. “I did. I mean, I do. It’s just not that simple.”
Kylie looked frustrated as she shook her head. “You’ve been moping around here for a month. A full month, because you want her and didn’t think you could have her. Now you can, but you’re still moping. What is going on with you?”
Audrey started pacing. “I’m not sure it will make sense.”
Kylie grabbed her and forced her to sit down. “Try. I’ve been planning that setup with Harlow for over a week because I thought it was what you wanted.”
Now Kylie’s persistence about going to the event made sense. “She is what I want. Of course, she’s what I want. I love her.”
Kylie put her hands up. “Then what’s the problem?”
“Leaving came so easily the first time. It didn’t even seem like she thought about it. What if I fall even more in love with her, and she does it again?” She swallowed hard against the lump in her throat. “I’m not sure I’d survive it.”
Kylie’s eye’s softened, and she kissed her hair. “What if she doesn’t?” Kylie didn’t give her a chance to respond. She picked up her purse and headed for the stairs to her room, but before she disappeared, she stopped and turned toward Audrey. “Don’t let fear start making decisions for you. That’s not the woman I know.”
The tears came like they’d been simmering under the surface, waiting for the perfect opportunity to spill in torrents. She pulled at her top, feeling suddenly suffocated. She wanted to be free, but free from what? Her hang-ups? Her fear? She’d waited a month for Harlow to come to her senses, and now that she had, Audrey had been paralyzed by fear. The fear hadn’t presented itself until Harlow had publicly presented her heart to her. She’d let her doubt dictate her actions—just like Harlow had. She didn’t want to be that person. It was easy to lecture Harlow about giving them a chance—taking a leap, but she needed to do the same. She had to stop focusing on what she could lose and instead think about what she could gain. She could have Harlow, and that was everything. She should’ve given Harlow her answer the moment she asked. But she could fix this. She would fix this.
Chapter Thirty-nine
Harlow sat on her couch and pretended to watch the Rose Bowl. It wasn’t that she was a huge fan of football as much as it took very little brainpower to watch the game idly. As the players smashed into each other, she couldn’t help replaying the epic crash and burn she’d suffered the night before. She knew it had been a long shot going in, but the reality of not having Audrey was far more painful than the not knowing.
Her phone buzzed with the security gate notification. She looked down at the screen to see Audrey’s face. She sat up too quickly and spilled her beer down the front of her shirt.
“Hey.” She rolled her eyes at her lame greeting and tapped the phone against her forehead.
“Can I come up?” Audrey’s tone didn’t leave a hint as to what she wanted.
“Of course.” Harlow pushed the entry button and headed to the door.
This could either be very bad or very good. Audrey had said she needed time to th
ink, but it had only been twelve hours. Was it like a jury? Did the length of deliberation give a hint to the outcome? But which was it? She couldn’t remember if shorter was good or bad. Cool. Have a random nervous breakdown in front of her.
Harlow pulled the door open before Audrey had the chance to knock. “Hey.”
Audrey’s cheeks were flushed, and she looked around the room as if she were searching for someone. “Are you alone?”
Harlow looked around. “Of course, I’m alone. Why wouldn’t I be?”
Audrey shrugged and took a step closer. “Someone photographed you in Monterey with a woman. I wasn’t sure if she was here.”
Harlow had to suppress a laugh. “You mean Emily? She’s my friend. In fact, you met her. It was her boat we took out that day.”
Audrey’s lips formed into an o shape, and her cheeks turned a light crimson. “I feel ridiculous.”
Harlow wanted to take Audrey’s hand but forced herself not to move. She still wasn’t sure why Audrey had come, and she didn’t want to make assumptions. Audrey took another step closer, and every nerve ending in Harlow’s body hummed with excitement.
Audrey touched Harlow’s wrist and ran her fingers up her arm, only resting when they reached her neck. She bit her lip, and Harlow marveled at how the simple action made her stomach flutter. Audrey pulled her down so their lips were almost touching. Harlow wanted nothing more than to close the distance, but it had to be Audrey’s decision. She slid her hands around Audrey’s waist and was rewarded by the slight hitch in her breath.
“I should’ve done this last night.” Audrey kissed her softly. It was almost as if she was testing something. She pulled back after a second. Her cheeks were red, and her eyes were hazy with lust. “I love you.”
Harlow didn’t wait any longer. She pulled her in and let her kiss convey all of the things she’d been feeling. She was consumed. Consumed by love, regret, hope, craving, and too many other things to name. It was all there, the ingredients of a song yet to be played. Audrey had made her feel things she had never imagined, and some she didn’t realize could exist together. Audrey was the music of her soul.
Harlow started to pull Audrey’s jacket off. “Do you want to talk?”
Audrey let the jacket fall and started pushing Harlow toward the steps. “No.” She kissed her again. “Later.” She raked her fingers up and down Harlow’s stomach. “I need this right now.”
There was nothing she wouldn’t give, nothing she’d hold back—never again.
* * *
Audrey had no idea what time it was. Her only reference point was the fading sun outside Harlow’s window. They’d made love until they’d each gotten their fill of one another. It had started out as desperate. Both of them seemed to need the reassurance the other was there and that they wanted the other. Then it transitioned into something sweet and vulnerable. Audrey had never felt so in tune with anyone before, and the high from their connection lingered in her heart.
She stroked Harlow’s stomach, loving the way it twitched under her fingertips. “I should’ve given you an answer last night. I didn’t make you wait for dramatic effect. The idea of having you was eclipsed by the thought of losing you again.”
Harlow rolled over on her side, bringing their faces closer together. “That’s my fault. I shouldn’t have pushed you away the first time. I think your reaction was warranted.”
Audrey stroked Harlow’s cheekbone with her thumb. “I wish I could’ve been what you needed when everything happened with Casper.”
Harlow kissed her palm. “It wasn’t that you weren’t what I needed. I didn’t know how to be what I needed. It’s not up to you to fix me. Only I can do that. I’m working on it.”
“I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. I want you to know that.” Audrey’s voice cracked when she spoke. “Do you want to tell me about your brother now?”
Audrey expected to see hesitation or discomfort, but there was none. She nodded and went on to explain everything that had transpired in their time apart. Harlow went into detail regarding the interactions with her mother—which were the most surprising. Audrey hadn’t been sure what to expect when forging into this conversation, but she was pleasantly surprised. Harlow was forthcoming and honest. She explained how she was feeling and how she’d felt. This was a side of Harlow that she hadn’t gotten to know yet, and she loved it.
“I appreciate you sharing that with me.”
“I want to share everything with you,” Harlow said as she pushed herself up in bed.
Audrey pulled at her. “Lie back down. I’m not done with you yet.”
Harlow traced her finger down Audrey’s face. “Kylie texted me. You’re supposed to be at a family dinner in an hour.”
“I completely forgot.” Audrey rolled over to grab her phone. “Why was she texting you?” She looked down, and the realization hit. “Because my phone was on ‘do not disturb.’” She grabbed Harlow’s hand. “Do you want to come with me? I know you’re going through some growing pains as a family. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. I don’t want to shove my family in your face, but I’d like you to come.” Audrey hoped her sincerity was clear.
“Audrey,” Harlow whispered as she kissed her again. “Don’t you see? I want you to be my family too.”
It fell away then—the last shred of hesitation Audrey had left. She’d believed Harlow when she said she loved her. She knew she’d been sincere when she apologized, but the promise of sharing their lives had been what she wanted affirmed. She needed to know Harlow shared the devotion to a future that neither of them could see clearly.
“I need to shower. I smell like sex.” Audrey hurried into the bathroom.
Harlow followed closely behind. “I’ll get in with you, you know, to save time.”
They both knew that wasn’t true. There’d be no time saved in a shared shower, but she didn’t care. Audrey turned on the spray and smiled widely as she pulled Harlow in to join her. She’d be perfectly content if she never had to shower alone again.
Chapter Forty
Harlow held Audrey’s hand as they weaved through the familiar streets of Beverly Hills toward Audrey’s house. This day hadn’t gone as planned in the best possible way. Eight hours ago, she’d thought her future with Audrey had been obliterated. She’d tried to piece together what an existence without her would look like. Now, she was like the luckiest woman on the planet. Audrey loved her. Audrey wanted her, no matter what her past had been or the baggage that remained.
Audrey kissed their joined hands when they pulled up to the house. “You sure about this? They can be a lot.”
“Absolutely,” Harlow said, and she meant it with every fiber of her being. She wanted to be where Audrey was, no matter who was around.
Audrey took her hand as soon as she came around the side of the car. Before she opened the door, Audrey stood on her tiptoes and kissed her. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” Harlow said as she took a deep breath. She didn’t think she’d ever grow tired of hearing those words leaving Audrey’s lips. “After you.”
Kylie put a tray down when they came through the door and practically ran to greet them. She hugged Harlow first. “I can’t tell you how happy I am to see you.” She squeezed her biceps and then practically tackled Audrey, dragging her a few feet away.
Harlow shoved her hands in her pockets and walked toward the kitchen. Kathy Knox was swatting at a man who couldn’t have been anyone but Audrey’s father. She favored her mother in the looks department, but the way his eyes crinkled at the sides when he smiled was all Audrey.
Kathy noticed her first and wiped her hands on a dishtowel. “Harlow.” She opened her arms for a hug, and Harlow went to her immediately. “I’m so glad you’re here,” she said while she rubbed her back.
“Me too.” Harlow felt her eyes well up, and she blinked back the emotion. She hadn’t really known how Audrey’s parents would react to seeing her, and she was grateful for the warm welcome. �
��Nice to meet you. I’m Harlow Thorne.” She stuck her hand out to her father once Kathy had finally released her.
He appraised her for several seconds until the corners of his mouth started tugging upward into a smile. “Jim Knox.” He waved away her hand and pulled her into a hug. “Pleasure to meet you.”
He hugged the way Audrey hugged. He hugged her like they’d known each other for years, and she was more at ease. He pulled away and went back to the oven, pulling out a delicious smelling lasagna. Harlow’s mouth started watering, and it wasn’t until then that she realized just how hungry she was.
Audrey’s warm hand was on her back and her cheek against her shoulder. “You ready to eat?”
The evening went on the same way it had started—perfectly. The Knox family was warm, comforting, and had a lovely ease with one another. Harlow was overcome with a sense that this was how a family was supposed to be. This was what she’d been missing her whole life. It wasn’t anyone’s fault she hadn’t experienced this before. She and Casper had done their best, but they were dealt a different set of cards than Audrey, and that was okay. She was here now, and that was enough. She finally felt like she was enough.
She helped Audrey do the dishes while the background noise of fervent laughter echoed in from the living room. Harlow smiled to herself, amazed at what a difference a day had made. Everything felt like it was exactly how it should be, and she didn’t feel as if she was right on the edge of losing everything. It was wonderful.
Audrey put the last of the plates away and wrapped her hands around Harlow’s waist. “What are you grinning about?”
