by Clare London
“Don’t treat me like that,” he growled, startling me. “You’re not my commander here. I thought you were coming around to it, understanding me, appreciating the alternative life here. Realizing that things could be different. That we’d both find something here.”
“Never!” We were both furious by now. We were actually struggling against each other. It was a shock to feel what a match he was for me now. “I can’t change to be like this, Dax. To live here, to be an Exile. For Devotions’ sake, leave me be! The city means too much to me. It’s been my life and all I’ve ever known and respected. You’re the one who’s different now—you have other companions, other chances. Other needs to follow.”
“So why do you think I’m here with you, then, not with them?” His face had flushed, visible even in the moonlight. His eyes were like those of an animal, wide, sharp and glowing, full of ferocity. I could smell his sweat and feel his breath on my face. His strength excited me, his arms tight with aggressive resistance. I was swamped, suddenly, with dreams of how he’d looked in the arena, at the Choosing; how he’d been so belligerent on his first day; how he’d accepted bravely the beating that I’d ordered for him. How he’d sought my advice since, and how his questions always unnerved me. How I felt whenever another person spoke of him. How I felt when I thought of him coupling with another—
I buried my hand in his hair, gripping the fine, beautiful stuff as fiercely as if I wanted to hold him captive, to strike him. The threads shone white in the darkness. It had always marked him out as unlike anyone I’d ever seen or known before. He drew his head back, his teeth glinting between his stretched lips, and he bared his slim neck to me.
And then I kissed him.
Chapter Nine
I KNEW I had to break away, but my mouth pressed so firmly onto him that I thought we’d become one. The shred of sense left inside me was horrified. My lingering inhibition was appalled at such selfishness! But still I forced myself on his lips; still I took the taste of him as if I’d never had such sensual pleasure. He lifted his hand from my arm and snaked it around my neck, tugging me closer. He opened his mouth and sought me out with his tongue, slick and fierce, and I sucked on it, drawing him into me even further. We were panting—grunting too—and it was Dax who had the sense to pull our bodies back in under cover of the tent, still kissing, still touching, still clinging. We fell onto his crumpled blanket, clumsy in our desperation.
“No!” I tried to pull away, but even I could hear the anguish in my voice, the need. “I mustn’t touch you—”
“You think it disgusts me?” He panted, trying to hold me tighter. He reached for me with swollen lips, and to my shame I let them catch me. “Throw off those ways! This is what I want.”
“I can’t! It’s forbidden—”
“Touch me!” His chest rose with great, shuddering breaths, and he kissed me again. He slid his hands around my waist, scrabbling under my vest, pressing his palms against my skin, his fingers like firebrands. When he broke from me, his breath was heaving as if he’d felt the heat too. “Touch me—and then I can touch you! How long have I waited for you to see me like this? I’ve admired you since I first saw you, since I was so scared of you, so fearful of your displeasure. I never thought I’d be worthy of you, but I’ve listened to every word you said. I’ve tried to be a fine Bronzeman.”
“You have! You are,” I gasped back. “But this is wrong!”
“I can’t have mistaken it all!” He grabbed at my hand and clutched it to his chest. His heart was hammering even more loudly than my own. “The look in your eyes sometimes, when we talked like companions, not soldiers… did I imagine it? I begged for it. These feelings have always been in me, whenever you were with me. It’s been a torment since the day I joined the Household. At first I didn’t dare hope you had the same respect for me, but I sought you out regardless. I just wanted to be near you, Maen. I wanted to be a Silver Captain so very much! To do you honor but also so that I could have you, couple with you, like they all use each other. So I could feel you take me, your body covering mine, your hands on my ass, your cock inside me, if you so wanted—”
If I so wanted? My body felt alight with desire. I knew if I didn’t crouch between his legs and slide my fingers up into him right now, I might expire from frustration. It took only that second—only that first hungry kiss—to know I’d wanted nothing but that, ever since I first saw him.
“I’ve put up with their pawing,” he ground out. “All of them, women and men. They want me, I know. I can smell it on them when I pass. Do you think I don’t notice? And it’s all the same to me. It’s nothing much to want, nor to hate. But to have you—! I’d do anything. I hear the Silvers at night, and that’s what I’ve wanted with you. That’s the real truth.”
“But you’re still a Bronzeman, not yet a Silver,” I protested. “It’s the most hideous crime.”
He ignored me, and couldn’t I admire that youthful arrogance? He sucked at my neck, pinched my nipple, fingers busy under my thin vest. And when he cupped the front of my trousers with his other hand and squeezed my agony there, I heard him suck in his breath. “You mean you can’t touch me like this. You can’t have me.”
“No.” I groaned. “You’re not for me. You’re only for the Ladies. For the Mistress. You could satisfy yourself in the Household with them. Even here, you’re called in a similar way by the girl Veli. You’ve no need of anything, Dax—no need of anyone else.”
“I don’t want them.” He held me tight in his palm, pumping me. To both my further shame and increasing delight, I leaned into him eagerly, bucking my hips, straining for his touch. I grasped his buttocks, feeling the muscles clench under the thin fabric of his trousers. “I don’t want the Ladies,” he whispered in my ear, “with their soft, urgent bodies and their begging for my seed. I don’t even want Veli, not in the way I want you!”
It was too much. I couldn’t think straight. I despised the way my body no longer followed my commands, yet I was inflamed with the thrill of him, the desire for him. I was becoming a man I barely recognized! I clung to his hips, and he fumbled at his trousers, trying to wriggle the cloth away so I could touch more of him. He was panting softly all the time. “Is this all my imagination, Maen? Am I the only one who wants this? Are you angry with me? It’s commonplace in the barracks. I know what men do, even you, I’m sure—”
“Don’t be stupid!” I spoke harshly, because it seemed I had no control over my voice either. “You’ve never had a man. It’s not an easy thing.”
“Do you want me?” he asked bluntly, his voice urgent and thick with desire. “Because I want to couple with you. I never wanted anyone before, not like this. I want your mouth on my cock and your hands caressing me. I want to wrap my legs around you and feel you push into me, possessing me. I want to give you pleasure, Maen, I want you inside me. I want everything! I’m not going to be very experienced, but I know I can learn. I can make it good for you.”
I groaned aloud. “That’s not what I meant.” Foolish man! As if it had ever been my concern, for coupling to be good for me. My heart ached that he’d care about that. “You’re talking nonsense. It’s the fear of this place, the strangeness of our situation. We can forget this now. Then perhaps when you’re Silver, we can think again—”
“No!” he snapped. “It was bad enough in my training, taking those Devotions, allowing the Ladies to use me when they wished. Don’t you see what the Bronzemen become? They’re breeding animals, that’s all, until they’re older and more mature, and then they’re pumped full of the Devotions until they become dullards, muscle-bound fodder for the battles of the city. I don’t want to wait for you until my brain’s dull and my body’s a tool for others—I never did! And now we’ve escaped that fate. Don’t tell me you can’t feel the difference in you, here at the Place. I want to share this time with you, this bright spark of my flame, before it’s caught in duty and death, and snuffed out.”
He shifted suddenly, pressing himself
back against me and trapping my leg between his. His own arousal was very fierce and very hard, dragged halfway out of his clothing, the heat of his flesh pressing insistently on mine, making me gasp. “I want you here, Maen. As we are now. As the men we are now.” He kissed my neck, his teeth grazing the skin. His eyelashes lay against my cheek, and I could smell the sweat and desperation of his body. I wanted to hold him very close to me, and I wanted him to be part of me in a way that no other body ever had. I’d never shared more than my physical needs with anyone else, never offered anything except my duty, but this boy felt more to me than my own self. The strength of my emotions was terrifying.
“It’s treason, Dax.”
At that, he paused. He pulled back from me, rolling onto his side and resting on a bended arm. He stared up into my face, struggling to regain his breath. “Treason? The rules say you’d be killed for that?”
“Yes,” I said. “When we go back.”
He continued to stare at me as if he were looking for some kind of answer in my face. “If we go back.”
“When,” I said, cruel in my misery. “And you’d be whipped.”
“But I’d not be killed.” His eyes drew me in. In the half-light, they looked manic. “They’d still need me, wouldn’t they? In the city… to be their seed for the future. They’d want me to return, to use my body in exchange for their investment. But you…. The rules treat you as if you’re nothing. The Queen would declare you compromised by your time here. She might even think of you as a threat to the stability of the city. So her rules would have you killed.” His voice shook with anger. “How can you think that fair, Maen? That no one cares anything for your life, a life you’ve given to that city and the Queen, willingly and well. Always?” The shock was clear in his face—the fear, the anger. “And all because of one moment of personal enjoyment.”
It was his youth speaking, his disbelief that anyone might think differently from him. I realized now he may never have made a good Gold Warrior, for his character was always questioning, always full of its own opinion. It was what made him so attractive and fascinating. But it was also his greatest hindrance. He saw no reason to hold himself back, no reason to restrain himself in seeking exactly what he wanted. He had no idea of the horror of what he was suggesting. Bronzemen were sacred! If a Bronzeman broke the rule of coupling and met with another man, he’d be whipped and was often expelled from the Household. I’d known some boys to kill themselves at the mere threat of expulsion. Many thought that death was preferable to such shame. To become a Remainder after failing as a Bronzeman was abhorrent to all.
As for the other soldier who’d broken the rule, whether Silver or Gold… if he’d coupled with a Bronzeman, he’d be executed. It was very clear in the legislation, no ambiguity. And no leniency. Indeed, I’d attended an execution of that kind myself, years ago. It had been one of the most difficult times of my life. The man concerned—a soft-spoken, intelligent Silver Captain from a neighboring Household—had been brought to us for the sole purpose of carrying out his execution. It was a favor for another Mistress, for there was concern the Guard from her own Household wouldn’t have been able to perform it effectively. The Captain had been very well respected in his Guard. Even the men who brought him to us in chains had an air of shock and distress about them, though they tried to hide it.
He’d been sadly accepting of his fate. It fell to Bernos to carry out the execution, beheading him by the sword, but a representation of the Silver Captains was required to stand with their Gold Warrior as the deed was done. I was one of them. I didn’t know why my Mistress chose me, because I was very new to the role at that time. But I’d supposed it was a mark of her approval, so I stood there beside Varden, who was barely more experienced than I, and marked the man’s death.
It was one of my first executions, though I’d both attend and participate in many during my career. That day, the atmosphere in the Household had been chilled with horror.
“I can’t deny the rules, Dax.” My words felt like sand in my mouth, like the bitter, humiliating dirt and dust we tasted daily in the riverbeds. “There’ll be later times. I can wait for it. Wait for you. It’s no hardship.” The lies came from my mouth like snagged threads on clothing, awkward and ugly. My body ached and my hands clenched into fists, trying to avoid touching him.
“So you do want me,” he whispered, his eyes lit by something fierce and joyful. “Take me now, then.”
“Aren’t you listening to me? Soon—if we escape—you’ll still have the chance to be a Silver.”
He laughed softly. He knew I was the one talking nonsense now. This time together had made me vulnerable to him, and he understood me far better. Or was it because I now had less control over myself?
“Don’t say it, Maen. Tonight is when I want you. We only have tonight. Who knows what’ll happen tomorrow? Who knows what might happen to us back in the city? And who cares?”
I cared. I knew very well the rules of the city, for I’d been brought up with them. At first I’d been a little naive, like Dax, and only learned the rules as words, as theory, never thinking them serious—until the day I officiated at that execution. There’d been tears that day, from grown men. I heard a couple of soldiers were under discipline because of their poor performance at sword practice. It was suspected they deliberately avoided attendance at the beheading. Bernos himself, whom I’d never seen fazed by anything he was required to do for the city… well, even his hand shook at the end.
To give my Mistress her credit, she’d cried for the lost Captain as well. I felt that I’d stepped into a nightmare that day, but I’d done my duty as best I could. My Mistress had called me that night, as if she’d known I needed comfort. She’d reminded me how the rules were there to protect the Bronzemen, to maintain their purity for the Mistresses and for the city itself.
Service to the city is our reward, I’d chanted softly to myself, as she pulled me into her bed and enchanted me as usual. That’s what I told myself that night, and for many following. I was doing my duty: that’s what I lived for.
A time of confusion reigned after that day, lasting over a week, with harsh arguments in the barracks. Many of the soldiers got close to fighting each other, which was strictly forbidden. I saw a soldier hideously beaten for allegedly refusing his Devotions. Some of our Bronzemen were removed, though I didn’t know why or where they’d gone. The body of the executed Silver Captain was taken away by his men for burning, but there’d never been any sign of the Bronzeman, the victim of his hideous abuse. My Mistress had swiftly drawn the Household back under control and reestablished routine. I had calmed, reassured all was well.
That was then.
Dax’s breath whispered at my ear. He took my hand and kissed the palm, his tongue flicking at my wrist, warming the pulse as if to protect my skin from the cold night. As he grunted and wriggled, I realized he was pushing all his clothing off. He was clumsy and we didn’t have much space to maneuver, but it wasn’t long before he was naked beside me. The meager blanket was a mess of creases underneath us, but neither of us cared. He kissed me, softly this time, some of his nervousness returning. I felt the sensuous delight of his warm flesh against mine, the pale hairs on his chest tangling with my darker coating. I let him take my vest off over my shoulders, then throw it to the ground, and he dipped his head down to lick my nipple. His touch was gentle, but as poignantly sharp as a cut from a blade. I struggled to get closer to him, but I was still shackled. He held me carefully balanced beside him, and his long, strong fingers helped me, pushing my trousers away from my hips, letting my cock spring free, hot and damp in the night air. I had never felt such exquisite joy in all my life.
And this was now.
“Take me,” he whispered.
His cock was thick and hot and slid urgently along my belly, wet with its own excitement. He rolled onto his back, pulling me down on top of him. His hand gripped one of mine and tugged it between our bodies, wrapping it around his erection and urging
me to squeeze and caress him. He began to pant more loudly. I could feel his heart hammering inside his chest, pressed up against mine. At the same time, he opened his legs around me, letting me fall into the haven between them. My cock, painfully swollen, nudged eagerly between his thighs. Stretching his legs higher and wider, he pulled them back, exposing himself for me.
“I know enough about it,” he muttered. “Use what leaks out of my cock to make the way easier. Use your spit, Maen, whatever. I can take it.”
“I’ll hurt you—”
He slid his hand around my head and gripped the skin at the back of my neck. He would leave bruises on me. I could feel the strength behind it. “Do it!” he growled. “Perhaps that’s what I want!”
I’d forgotten who was the seducer here and who the victim. There was only me and Dax, here in a cold, plain canvas tent, tired and bruised after another day’s work in this life-forsaken place. I couldn’t have resisted him now if a blade had been at my throat. I spat on my palms and coated my cock as best I could, then began carefully to push into him. He still winced and bit his lip hard, yet he pulled me ever closer. I thrust slowly and inexorably inside, and it was like coming home, like nothing I’d ever experienced before. This man was drawing my very heart into him, everything I held dear, everything that anchored me. This young man, who’d fascinated me since the day we met—since I rudely ordered my Mistress to buy him for the Household. When I’d had him beaten, I must have known it wasn’t for his discipline, but for my own. I’d known I was drawn unnaturally to him, against all the rules I held dear. My life had been lost ever since.
“Maen.” He whimpered, his climax close already. His arousal rubbed between our bodies as I leaned harder against him, groaning my need into him. “Don’t be afraid of it,” he whispered, “of this. I won’t let them kill you. We’ll be together… this is all I ever wanted.”
