by Erin Trejo
“I’m sorry, Cord.” Shaking my head, I back up to look at her.
“Sorry is for quitters. Sorry is for the weak. You are neither of those things so don’t you ever say sorry to me again.” My voice stays low as I lean into her. Shit! My life spirals further and further out of control. “I didn’t panic. I knew that if they got to Amelia that they knew how much time you’d been spending with her. That in turn means you have been in my presence, Ava. I made the decision to move you to safety for your own good.” My words freeze her in place. She doesn’t know what to say to me.
My words cut her deeper than any knife possibly could. I ripped open her chest and ripped her beating heart free. I took every last shred of hope that littered her mind and threw it on the floor, stomping it into pieces.
I count the hours until the phone rings. Grabbing it, I answer knowing it’s him.
“What the hell was the game plan here, Gambino?” His laughter ignites the devil’s horns that threaten to rip their way through me.
“You know what I want. It was made clear, wasn’t it? You stop running guns and powder through New York. Turn it over to me.” Chuckling into the phone, he snaps. “Don’t you dare for a second think that I won’t take this kid out. I will use every resource I have to make you regret the day you started breathing.” Has he forgotten that that day has already come and gone?
“Do you honestly think I would give up that easily?” I ask with a growl. The silence on the other end tells me all I need to know.
“Take a look at the footage from the front porch of your house. The one I know you aren’t at right now.” Pushing the button for the speaker phone, I pull my security footage. A body lying there in a puddle of blood unmoving. My chest tightens. It’s as though all the blood has left my body.
“You just signed your death warrant.” Getting the words to actually form was harder than I thought it would be. I’ve just stepped into new territory, one I’m not familiar with. Hanging up the phone, I stand and rush towards the door screaming for Nikolai.
“Get the car! Get the goddamn car, Nikolai!” Rushing out the front door, I will drive that son of a bitch myself if I have to. In the matter of seconds, I’m making phone calls to have the house secured by the time we get there. My body is tense as Nikolai watches me. He has to know that something’s off. Anger and regret are two of my best friends, and I feel every bit of it right now. My whole reserve is threatening to crumble beneath my feet. My world is slowly slipping out of my grasp. If this is what it’s like to have feelings, I’m better off dead because that’s exactly what I feel inside. I feel dead. Nothing is making sense to me right now.
We pull up in front of the house and before the driver can even stop the car, I’m out and taking off through the gates. My heart hammers in my chest, threatening to overtake me. There. Right there, lying in a puddle of her own blood, was the one thing that I couldn’t fucking protect like I should have! Rage fills me. I will make Gambino pay for what he did to her tiny body.
“Jesus Christ.” I hear Nikolai but I can’t pull my eyes from her tiny body lying there. Dropping to my knees, I lift her lifeless body into my arms, not caring that her blood covers my skin.
“Cord, I don’t know what to say.” Nikolai is at a loss for words much the same as I am. I stand up with her tiny frame snuggled against my chest before walking towards the car. She didn’t deserve this. She didn’t deserve any of this and yet she took the brunt of it because of me, because of our father, our name, who we are.
“Let’s go.” My voice isn’t my own. This is the first time that I’ve lost sight of who I am. Sure, death has always been around me. Hell, I’ve taken lives with no regard to feelings or their family. But this, this is too much. She was an innocent. A child that knew nothing of this life. She was pure and I fucking tainted her. I ruined her. I caused this to happen to her. I climb into the limo and settle into the seat with her before leaning in and whispering to her.
“Ti amero sempre.”
The ride to the safe house is silent. There was only my stupidity running rampant through the car. How could I have been so stupid? How could I not have seen this coming? A soul has been taken far too early and at the hands of evil. At the hands of me.
“Call Nixon and have him set up the church. I want her buried next to my uncle.” Nikolai nods his head before sliding his phone out to make the calls. The gates open and we drive in. A somber feeling haunts the silence now.
Death can be sweet for those that are in pain. Death can be drawn out and painful. In my heart, I’d like to think that the lord had mercy on Amelia’s sweet soul and let her leave this world painlessly. The monster in me knows that isn’t the truth. The car comes to a stop and as the door opens. I catch a glimpse of Ava standing at the front door, hands covering her mouth as she waits. Piece by piece, my black heart crumbles to ash.
She will never forgive me for this. I won’t let her. I will be that constant reminder that she comes back into the arms of a monster, a demon sent straight from hell. As I climb out, my knees feel weak. My chest is heavy with grief. Ava’s screams could be heard from miles away. Carrying the small broken body of my sister, I walk slowly towards the porch where Ava cries. In all my years on this earth, I’ve never felt the kind of pain that I feel now. The emptiness that overtakes me is indescribable. I fall to my knees on the steps not able to bear it anymore. My head slowly travels down to look at the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. She’s gone and it’s her blood on my hands. What overwhelms me is something I can’t explain. I’ve never felt, but in this moment, I feel everything.
The weight of the world as it crushes my chest, the heartache that no one should ever have to feel. It’s all there, inside of me. Ava’s screams are drowned out by the laughter of the demons in my mind. They are laughing at what I’ve done, how I’ve messed up, the person I’ve become. That’s all they care about. The death. The destruction. The emptiness is where they thrive, and I allowed them to do so for so long. When I finally do look up at Ava, a new reality hits me. Her eyes are red and swollen with tears before she slides down and reaches for Amelia. I let her take her in her arms knowing that she’s always had a connection to her. A connection that doesn’t belong to me.
As she rocks her in her arms, I slide forward and wrap my arms around both of them. Ava’s screams turn to howls of pure rage and pain. There’s nothing more I can do; I hold her there for what seems like an eternity.
“I’m so sorry, Cord.” Glancing up at Nixon, I know why he’s here. I reach for Amelia, taking her from Ava’s shaking arms before standing up.
“May you rest in peace, my angel,” I say softly, meaning every word. Pressing a kiss to her head, I pass her to Nixon. “Take good care of her.” He nods and retreats with her small frame in his arms. I watch as Nixon lays her gently in the back of his car and drives away. It seems like days have passed when in reality, it’s only been minutes. Ava hasn’t moved although the tears have stopped. I don’t think she has anymore left in her body to let fall. Swallowing hard, I know we need to go in and wash up. I walk back over to her, reaching for her. Ava stands quickly and slides her arms around my neck, holding me closer than she ever has. I can’t push her away right now. I can’t let her go. I need this as much as she does whether I like it or not.
Lifting her in my arms, I walk us inside to the overly silent house. The guards stand in their rightful places all with somber looks on their faces. I can’t look at them, so I just walk past. Can they see the monster that I am? Do they now realize the kind of man that they work for? What the hell I’ve just done? Shaking the thoughts away, I carry Ava up the stairs and straight to the bedroom. We need to wash up and get this blood off of us, although it will never fully be off of me. Carrying her into the bathroom, I set her down before turning the shower on. Undressing slowly, in a daze, I can’t seem to focus on anything.
“Take those off,” I say, my voice heavy from grief, nodding towards her blood stained clothes. She does as I say.
When we’re both completely undressed, I lift her once again and step into the shower. The warm water hits. As I look down, tears fall from my eyes. Tears that have been locked away for such a long time. I watch through the blur as the red tinted water runs down the drain, sucking what’s left of my life with it.
“She loved you, Cord.” Dragging my eyes up to meet Ava’s, I shake my head.
“She was young. She didn’t know that you shouldn’t love monsters.” Sucking in a breath, I try to steady myself as Ava’s blue eyes tear through me.
“There’s no reason to debate this with you now. You’re hurting, I can see it,” she says softly. Trying my best to keep the feelings at bay, I lose. I lose horribly.
I break down, falling to my knees in front of her. Her fingers find their way into my hair as she pulls my head to her stomach. Her cries match mine as she gently runs her hands through my hair. I cling to her, my arms wrapped around her waist like she’s my lifeline. In a sense she is.
“I ruined her. She was so much smarter than I ever gave her credit for and I ruined her!” Ava’s hands wrap around the back of my head as she holds me tighter.
“She was your sister, Cord. She loved you no matter what. This world ruined her, not you.” I’d like to believe that. I’d like to hold onto that thought, but I know what I’ve done.
I messed that child up almost as bad as my father did me. I took her innocence in my hands and I crushed it, reduced it to ash and tossed it to the side.
“What have I done?” The screams pierce the room, but I can’t stop myself.
“What have I done!”
We stayed in the shower long after the water ran cold. I didn’t have it in me to move and neither did Ava. I couldn’t sleep. I tried but all I could see was her little face the first day she stepped into my life, so lost and confused. I was the one that was supposed to fix that. I was supposed to give her love like she never had and keep her safe. I was to be her family. I failed at that. I failed because of my own demons. I failed because I am weak. There is nothing strong about a man that couldn’t care for his family. I’ve come to that realization over and over as I let it play out in my mind. I watch out the window as the storm blows on. The lightening, the thunder. It leaves a path of destruction much as I do. The storm and I are the same in ways. We both blow in quickly and rip apart everything in sight. How do I get past what I’ve done to Amelia? With the victims I’ve gone after, it’s easy. I don’t know them, and I don’t care to know them. Amelia was my blood. She was my sister and I killed her. I left her to fend for herself in this cruel world in which we live.
“You need to sleep,” Ava says. Turning my head, I look over my shoulder at another angel that I’m slowly dragging to hell, slowly killing her too.
“I’ve tried.” I turn away from her, not able to look at the sadness that’s etched across her face.
I stare out the window when I feel her hands wrap around me from behind. Her soft lips press against my back before I close my eyes. As much as I’d like to savor this moment with her, I simply can’t. I bring my hands up to cover hers where they rest on my stomach.
“I have arrangements made for her funeral. After that, I’d like for you to stay here for a while until I can figure things out. I don’t need you in danger.” I can feel her breath against my back. It ignites my skin.
“I’ll stay with you.” Shaking my head, I let my hands fall away from hers.
“No. I won’t be staying here. I’ll be going back to the city, back home.” Ava’s hands fall from the grasp she has on me before she moves to stand in front of me.
“You won’t do this to me, Cordae.” I’ve already done this. I can’t look at her every single day knowing that she could be next.
“I have no other choice.” Short and to the point, I need to keep it that way. I can’t have her hurt in this war either.
“You do have a choice. You’re choosing to shut me out and I won’t let you!” A grin tugs across my face before her palm rises and she slaps me in the face. I’m not surprised by her actions. I’ve always known there was a fight in her. It’s part of why I care about her. Ava takes a step back, surprised by herself as she covers her mouth with her hand.
“I’m sorry. Oh my God.” The tears fall again. She looks hurt. Like it hurt her to do that.
“Don’t be sorry. I deserve far worse than that, Ava. I need you to understand this though. I’m not good for you. It doesn’t matter what kind of fairy tale you have in that head of yours. I can’t be the knight in shining armor. I’m the opposite. I’m the devil in red.” Ava shakes her head before swiping at the tears on her face.
“You are not the devil you think you are, not anymore. I saw you; I saw through you! Amelia changed you. You can’t deny that.” How could anyone not love this woman’s heart? She’s beautiful in every aspect of the word.
“Amelia did change me. She made me realize that I can’t have anything in my life. I need to keep that distance. I warned you that everything I touch, dies. She’s proof of that! Don’t you see, Ava! You want to be the next one? You want to meet your demise for being near me?” I snap at her. She gasps before taking a step back. That right there, that fear I see in her eyes. I need her to hold on to that fear. I need her to see that if she gives in to her wants, that fear will turn to reality.
“You’re wrong, Cord. I won’t let you push me away.” She takes a step back towards me before pressing her hands to my bare chest.
“You have a heart inside of you. A heart that begs to be freed. Amelia started to open you up to that fact. I watched your love for her grow in its own way. The way you gave her things and took the extra time to learn what she liked. I saw how you watched her at the table doing her homework when you thought you were alone. I saw you.” Why does she do this to me?
“You saw what I wanted you to see. You never saw me, Ava.” Her hands move from my chest. She grabs my face roughly in her hands, forcing me to look at her.
“No. You won’t hide it or deny it. I know what I saw, Cord. I saw the man that you were destined to be. The man that knows right from wrong. The man that loved that little girl with everything he had in him, he just didn’t know how to show it.” How can she know that? How can she see through the façade that I keep so stiffly in place? Ava doesn’t give me time to talk. She moves quickly, slamming her lips against mine. Frantic and full of pain, she kisses me without reserve. She claims my lips with hers. My head spins as I let her words sink into me. She knows me inside and out like no one has ever known me. When she pulls away, I look her in the eyes.
“I want to make love to you, Ava. Not fuck you. I want you to feel what I can never be. I know in my heart who I am and what I’m destined for.” Lifting her in my arms, she wants to protest but I don’t give her time. She needs to see the emptiness that resides inside of me. No matter how much I want to let those feelings free, I can’t. Laying her on the bed, I slide the t-shirt up her thighs before lowering my pants. Tears form in those crystal blue eyes. I climb between her legs and gently slide inside of her. Cupping her face in my hands, I move gently within her warmth.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be someone else.” Whispering the words to her, she shakes her head.
“I never wanted anyone but who you are.”
Chapter 26
I never knew pushing Ava away would hurt as badly as it does. My chest seems to be permanently clenched. It aches like nothing I’ve ever felt. I walk into the church with Ava next to me on one side and Jordy and Nikolai on the other. It seems so surreal to be coming to my sister’s funeral. A funeral that should have been mine.
We take our seats at the front as people filter in. I knew this would be a big turn out because of who I am and who she was. The pastor begins to speak as my mind wanders. Funerals were never my thing. Talking about the life of the dead never made sense to me. They’re gone, there is nothing we can gain from that. There are no words that can comfort the grieving. He speaks but I hear nothing. There’s a buzz al
l around me, inside me. Nothing in this world made any sense to me until Ava and Amelia showed up. Now that’s all being ripped away from me in the blink of an eye. Her tiny body lies in that coffin, a victim of this cruel and senseless world.
It isn’t fair to Ava for me to keep her in the depths of hell along with me. Until I can figure out the best moves for me and what to do about Gambino, she can’t be near me. I look over to find her eyes on me, picking up every little piece of ash from my crumbled soul, holding them in her battered hands. I reach for her hand, but she knows what’s happening. I can see it in those eyes. I turn back and listen to the pastor speak about Amelia’s life as if he’d known her. I fight the tears that threaten to eat away at me if I let them.
“Amelia was an angel. She was forced into a world of sin much like we all are. She skated on that thin line between heaven and hell. We all find ourselves there at some point in time. Amelia found her way into heaven. She now soars high above us all, taking pieces of us with her.” I can’t handle this. I want to crack. I want to run from the church. Too much hurt radiates through my body. It eats away at my insides. The air in the room is stifling. I can’t breathe. Taking a few deep breathes, I steady myself as the pastor finishes up.
When it’s time, I release Ava’s hand and get the hell out of there. Rounding the corner, I lean against the wall of the church sticking a cigarette between my lips. I’m not even a smoker, not since I was younger.
“We will make them suffer, Cord.” Nikolai comes to stand next to me as I nod.
“That, I have no doubt. They will all pay in due time.” He nods before looking over at Ava. She talks with Jordy, but her eyes are so sad. I hate that for her. She was bright and lively once before. Yeah, before I got my hands on her. Now she has my darkness within her, and she can’t escape it. I’ve put it there. It’s like a brand of sorts, burned into her soul.
