As awful as the events were, Grace was pleased Jack had trusted her with his heartache. ‘Have you never tried to contact her?’
‘I haven’t contacted her but I found out where she lives and I know she’s okay. She’s married now.’
‘Why don’t you give her a call?’
‘No. I let her down. She won’t want to hear from me. Besides, it was nineteen years ago. We’ve both moved on.’
Except it was obvious he hadn’t moved on.
There was so much pain rooted in his past.
She sighed. ‘Jack, you can’t keep punishing yourself. You were a kid up against a gang.’
‘If I’d only been on time.’
‘If only I hadn’t developed an interest in music.’
He looked at her. ‘I understand what you’re saying. Thank you for trying to make things better.’
‘I hope now you’ve spoken about it, you might find some peace.’ She ran her thumb over his lower lip, badly wanting to kiss him to try to distract him from his pain.
‘I didn’t mean to tell you—to break down like this. I was so empty when they wouldn’t let me see Lizzie, but I kept my emotions in check. I didn’t cry.’
She believed it. ‘Then it’s been a long time coming.’ She kissed him tenderly. ‘Friends tell each other things, Jack, and whether or not you want to admit it, we’ve become friends as well as lovers. It’s a pretty potent combination.’
‘Don’t fall for me, Grace.’
With a small smile she dropped her hand away from his face then placed her palm over his heart. ‘What if I already have?’
‘If you have, we shouldn’t continue to see each other because you deserve far more than I can give you.’
‘What can’t you give me, Jack?’
‘The love you deserve.’
‘But—’
‘Grace, you’re on the verge of what could be the most exciting time in your life. Sadie will make things happen for you but you’re going to need to put in a lot of hard work. You’ll experience many new things. You’ll meet so many people, get to play with orchestras led by famous conductors, you’ll probably get to travel all over the world on stages where the very best performers have played. Believe me, from what she was saying to me as we listened to you play, I know there are wonderful opportunities for you.’
‘What if I don’t want all that anymore?’ The promise of a successful performance career paled into insignificance against the one thing she wanted most of all—his love.
‘How can you possibly know what you want unless you try it?’
The limousine pulled up in front of Jack’s house. True to form, the chauffeur didn’t interrupt them by opening the door.
‘I don’t need to play all over the world to be happy. I’m happy playing on your piano.’
‘Look at me and tell me you were lying to me when you told me you’d always dreamed of performing,’ he demanded.
She couldn’t look at him because she didn’t want to see how determined he was for her to pursue what had once been her dream. If he could push her in that direction, it meant he could give up their relationship far more easily than she could. ‘Dreams can change.’
‘And those who don’t get to live their dreams—who pass up opportunities—can live in regret for the rest of their lives,’ he argued. ‘I’m not about to let that happen to you. You have to accept our relationship is only short-term. If you can’t, we need to end this now.’
No!
‘Do you want this to end now?’ Tears threatened to roll down her cheeks once again. ‘I’m not ready to say goodbye to you, Jack.’
He gathered her closely against him and hugged her tight. ‘I’m not ready to say goodbye to you, either,’ he said over the top of her head, ‘but the longer we spend together building on this tentative friendship, the harder it’ll be to say goodbye.’
What could she do to convince him that their goodbyes didn’t ever have to come?
Even knowing it was a desperate grasp at a straw she said, ‘I’ve accepted Vanessa and Amadeo’s invitation for Christmas dinner. I know you’re not looking forward to Christmas and now I know all the reasons why. Can we agree to stay together at least until the New Year?’
‘Don’t get hurt, Grace.’
God, she was already wounded and bleeding at the thought of their relationship ending, but every day they could spend together would stop her from bleeding to death. ‘You’ve been honest with me, Jack, but right now I need your lovemaking far more than your honesty. Can we please go inside?’
Hours later, with her head cushioned against Jack’s chest, Grace felt closer to him than ever. Despite his belief that there would be an end-date to their romance, all the veils of secrecy had been peeled away and he’d confided those tragic events of his childhood to her when he hadn’t relayed them to anyone else other than the police.
Now Grace knew about Lizzie, the final jigsaw puzzle piece had fallen into place. He didn’t feel he was worthy to be anybody’s friend.
When Daniel had quizzed Jack on why he’d never been selected in the national rugby team, Jack had spoken frankly about not having formed close friendships with any of the players off the field. Dan had been dismayed, asserting that he couldn’t understand it—that Jack had always been a team player on the field and what did it matter if there wasn’t a bond in the locker room or at the pub, but Jack had told him it did matter.
It struck Grace that the reason Jack didn’t have a close circle of friends was because he was afraid of losing those friends or of doing something to let them down. She guessed the same beliefs applied to his relationships with women.
His pattern of logic was obvious to Grace, but she planned to do everything she could to shift his mental reasoning.
She wasn’t prepared to give up on a future with Jack.
Tonight, by confiding in her, he’d let her through all the barricades he’d put around his heart. She was certain there was a place there where she could reside—a permanent place where she could carve her name and he’d never want to erase it.
They were good together. It was surely only a matter of time before he realised it?
Chapter 18
Grace hummed happily as she stacked the last of the Christmas luncheon dishes into the dishwasher and turned it on. They’d just farewelled Daniel and his girlfriend and it’d been a perfect day so far.
Jack came into the kitchen. His arms encircled her and drew her back against his chest. ‘Thank you for a wonderful morning and lunch, Grace. I really enjoyed it.’
She turned around slowly to face him, and lifted her arms up around his neck. They’d kept the decorations to the bare minimum, but there’d been a tree complete with presents for Daniel and his girlfriend and Jack had handled it fine. ‘Have we managed to chase away some of the ghosts of Christmas past?’
His smile was broad. ‘Yes. I give you full credit for being a miracle worker.’ One hand moved lower against the curve of her bottom. ‘Even though you did take advantage of me at a moment of weakness to talk me into helping you search for the Christmas tree in the attic and then to help you decorate it.’
‘I brought you to your knees, huh?’ she asked with a cheeky wink.
‘As I remember it, you were on your knees at the time you talked me into it.’
Grace laughed. ‘You have to admit, there are distinct advantages in having mistletoe hung all over the house.’
‘Hmm.’ He nuzzled the sensitive flesh along her collarbone then kissed his way up her neck. When he reached her ear he whispered, ‘Do you think we could go and find some now?’
‘Don’t tempt me, Jack.’ She cupped his face between her palms. ‘I think our Christmas celebrations have done you the world of good.’
The teasing light in his eyes diminished and he grew serious as he looked at her. ‘You’ve done me the world of good.’ He pulled away from her a little and reached into the pocket of his trousers. ‘For the first time in twenty-six years, I br
aved a shopping centre to buy you a present.’
When he produced a small present suspiciously like a jeweller’s ring box, Grace’s heart stalled. Could it possibly be what she most wanted?
She reached out with trembling fingers, hardly daring to breathe as she took it and made short work of the wrapping paper.
It was a jewellery box!
Oh, my God!
Anticipation raced through her as she opened it up and stared at the diamonds that winked up at her.
It was so beautiful and such a personal gift, she couldn’t be disappointed it wasn’t the engagement ring she’d hoped for in the first moment she’d seen the size and shape of the present.
‘I had them made especially for you, sweetheart. I hope you like them.’
‘I love them.’ She did. A heart necklace and matching earrings lay against the velvet cushion of the jeweller’s box. They were set with sparkling diamonds and the jeweller had very cleverly crafted the heart so the shape was made by combining the treble and bass clefs, with the treble clef tilted a little to the left. ‘It’s such a thoughtful gift. Thank you, Jack.’
Stretching up on her tiptoes, she kissed him with all the love she had for him and told herself that this jewellery was even more special than a diamond ring because without him realising it, he’d given her what she believed to be the symbol of their union. Jack was the bass to her treble and love joined them together just as surely as the jeweller had joined the two clefs together to form the heart shape.
‘Grace, darling, if you keep that up, I know where we’ll spend the afternoon and it won’t be driving off to have dinner with Vanessa’s family and Amadeo.’
‘I have something for you too, Jack,’ she told him. She wasn’t quite sure how he’d receive the present she’d bought him. ‘It isn’t anything as expensive as you’ve given me.’
‘You’ve given me so much of yourself, Grace. I don’t expect—’
‘It’s still under the tree. Come on.’ She tugged at his hand and urged him back through to the living room.
***
Merry Christmas, Jack. Love Grace
He could tell it was a book before he unwrapped it. The book title made him freeze. From Fear to Love: Overcoming the Barriers to Healthy Relationships.
‘You have everything,’ she told him gently, ‘but this one thing I believe you need the most. It was the best present I could think of to give you.’
Grace had helped him overcome many things, but this present told him she was hoping for more than he could ever give her. ‘I appreciate the caring behind this gift but it won’t change me, Grace.’
‘It might.’ Her gorgeous green eyes held hope. ‘It’s a powerful book and it describes you so accurately.’
‘You think you know me accurately after this very brief time?’ She knew things about him he’d never even confessed to Amadeo. He’d let her get close. Now she wanted more and it killed him inside to know he was going to disappoint her.
‘You thought for most of your life you’d been rejected by your mother. It shaped the way you formed relationships and even though you suspect now that your mother had a very good reason for leaving you, it still shapes the way you think as an adult.’
Her words hit home. ‘You’re right. It hurt. Unbearably. I wondered what I’d done wrong to drive my mother away and I even believed what one foster parent told me—that she’d probably taken her own life because I was such a difficult, ungrateful child.’
Grace sucked in a huge, outraged breath. ‘How wicked! I can’t believe the social services people didn’t screen their foster parents better.’
‘I didn’t ever want to face loss again.’ He turned the book over in his hands without looking at it. ‘Then, being responsible for Lizzie’s injuries where she could’ve died—’
‘Damn it, Jack!’ She sliced one hand through the air in sheer frustration. ‘You weren’t responsible for her attack and you mustn’t keep carrying guilt.’
‘I failed her, Grace. I’m not going to fail you or anyone else I care about.’
‘I’m not her and you’re not twelve anymore.’ Her tone was sheer exasperation.
He felt his features tighten and knew his expression had become shuttered.
Grace must’ve sensed his withdrawal. In a more reasonable tone she argued, ‘We have a fabulous relationship right now. There’s no reason it can’t continue. I’m not telling you it should be easy, because only you can work through it, but you have to put the past behind you.’
‘The past impacts on the present.’ It wasn’t only that he didn’t want to be responsible for hurting Grace. He didn’t want to go through the agony of losing her. ‘Can you really blame me for not wanting to be vulnerable ever again to the pain of loss?’
‘Yes,’ she fired straight back at him in an unequivocal tone. ‘I do blame you. In order to avoid any chance of pain, you subdue the depths of joy and love you could be feeling. You won’t accept love from others wholeheartedly because you’re too busy guarding yourself from the pain of rejection and loss.
‘You think you feel safe but you’re a prisoner to your own fear.’ The passion with which she spoke made him want to channel all that energy into another round of lovemaking. ‘You need to let someone break through your defensive shield, Jack. Allow yourself to feel. Love makes us susceptible to pain and loss, I know. I’ve lost my parents and my grandmother. I understand loss and pain, but I also know I’m not prepared to subdue my chance for love and happiness to avoid the possibility of pain.’
‘Love isn’t for me, Grace.’
‘Damn you, Jack. My love is for you. I love you and with every instinct I possess, I swear you love me too or you wouldn’t have done everything you have to help me—you wouldn’t have been so wonderful and kind and loving.’
How could he make her understand? ‘Just because I don’t want love in my life doesn’t mean I have to be a monster. Of course I care about others and of course I care about you, but caring about you isn’t being in love with you. God, Grace, I don’t want to have to say it to you. I don’t want to be brutal and break your heart. It’s why I never wanted you to give it to me in the first place.’
‘I feel, Jack. You can’t control my feelings. Only I can control them and you can control your feelings too, you just have to choose to open your heart to love.’ Her hands gestured towards him in appeal. ‘Please, Jack, open your heart to me and let me love you. Love me in return.’
Shit! He gritted his teeth. ‘I warned you before we slept together that I’m incapable of forming a permanent attachment to any woman.’
‘I thought you were strong, Jack, but you’re taking the coward’s way out and running away from relationships. I think the long line of women that came before me, were all chosen because none of them could penetrate the barriers you’ve built up around your heart. Now you’re hell-bent on ending our relationship before it has a chance to take root and blossom. That’s not strength, Jack.’
‘Damn it, Grace. Don’t you understand how much strength it took for me to stay away from you for as long as I did when I wanted you so very badly to be my lover from the very first afternoon we met?’
Her hands went to her hips. ‘You think that was strength?’
‘Yes, it was strength.’ Didn’t she realise? ‘I had to fight myself and be strong enough to stay away.’
‘Yet in the end, we became lovers.’
‘Which was my weakness.’
‘You regret that we’ve been lovers? You see me as a weakness?’ Every line of her posture communicated her outrage.
He bit back a curse. No! It was coming out all wrong.
This was the very situation he’d tried to avoid. He cared about Grace more than he’d cared about any woman and he’d cared about her with the feelings of a man, not those of an eleven-year-old boy. ‘I regret you’ve confused caring mixed in with a deep level of sexual attraction and labelled it as love.’
‘Well, forgive me for my confusion.’
There was a note of sarcasm in her voice as she stared him down. ‘Perhaps you’d like to enlighten me on just what, exactly, love is?’
Boardroom battles he could handle, but this emotional debate made him tired and he felt defeated. ‘I don’t know what love is, Grace. I’ve—’
‘You can say that again,’ she interrupted with a tight laugh before she resumed her verbal attack. ‘If you knew what love was, you’d recognise it’s been staring you in the face! You’ve blinded yourself to it deliberately so you can cocoon yourself away from any heartache.’
She paced away from him then turned on him to vent some more. ‘You’re the most infuriating man I’ve ever met, Jack Mancini. Read the blasted book. I challenge you to read it all, then come back to me and try to deny or repress what it is you really feel, because your love for me is in every touch and every kiss.’
‘Grace—’
‘No. Don’t interrupt me!’ She raised a finger at him in a way nobody had since he was a little boy. ‘I’ve been kissed before and I didn’t enter your bed a virgin. I know what we have is real. Don’t you dare try to tell me you make love with the same soul-shattering and emotional intensity with the other women you’ve taken to your bed because I’m simply not buying it!’
He couldn’t tell her that even if he’d wanted to because it would be a lie. Lovemaking with Grace was soul-shattering and emotional and intense. There’d never been another woman who’d come close to evoking the depths of feeling, the depths of passion and the depths of fulfilment Grace evoked in him. It was all the more reason he wanted to protect her. ‘You mustn’t love me, Grace. You have to stop!’
‘I’ll always love you, Jack, even though at times I’ll probably want to hate you.’ The glistening of tears in her eyes made him feel like someone speared him through the chest with a blunt javelin.
‘You’re better off hating me than loving me.’
‘No, I’m not.’
Damn it all. Anger began to build in the pit of his stomach—anger and frustration and fear. Why did she have to spoil things? Could he be strong enough to say goodbye to her when it was the last thing he wanted to do?
The Magic of Christmas Page 15
