‘I’m sorry,’ she muttered and ran from the conservatory, out through the front door, for the safety of her own house. Feeling as she did, there was no way of telling what she might say, how much she might hurt others, and she had to make herself safe until it had passed.
But before she’d had the chance to lock her own front door behind her, Robyn pushed it open and stepped in.
‘What’s going on?’
‘Please go,’ Nina begged. ‘I don’t know what’s happening to me but I don’t want you to see it.’
‘Well I’m going nowhere, so tough.’
‘Please, Robyn – I just need time alone right now.’
‘You have too much time on your own – that’s why you’re like this now.’
‘Leave me alone!’
Robyn frowned. ‘No.’
‘I mean it. I don’t want to talk to you right now.’
‘To me? What the hell have I ever done?’
‘Not just you – anyone.’
‘You can and you will. I can wait. I’ll put the kettle on.’
Robyn walked through to the kitchen. Seeing her calm, stoic support made Nina feel more wretched than ever, but it had poured cool water on her rage at least. Poor Robyn. She didn’t have a clue what was bothering Nina, and Nina could never tell her because she could barely understand it herself. One thing was certain: none of this was Robyn’s fault and it wasn’t fair to expect her to take it. None of this was anyone’s fault really. Or maybe it was. Maybe it was Gray’s fault for dying and leaving her like this. Or maybe it was her fault for not being stronger, for not being able to deal with the aftermath better.
She followed Robyn through to the kitchen and sat at the table. Robyn put two mugs out and rinsed the teapot.
‘I’m sorry,’ Nina said. ‘I don’t know what came over me.’
‘You’ve got a lot going on,’ Robyn said in a brisk tone that suggested she was willing to listen patiently but Nina was not entirely forgiven for her outburst yet. Nina wouldn’t blame her for that, considering that some of it had been very obviously directed at Robyn, and it was this that Robyn shrewdly addressed next. ‘So, what you just said about me coming to help tomorrow… what exactly was that about?’
‘I don’t know—’
‘Don’t bullshit me, Nina; we’ve known each other too long for that. Is this about Colm? Is there something I ought to know? You like him? Because if I thought for a minute that you—’
‘No, of course not,’ Nina said, the lie slipping out so readily it even took her by surprise. ‘I could never…’
‘You can’t keep waiting for a man who’s never coming back,’ Robyn said firmly.
‘I know that.’
‘Do you?’
‘Of course. I’m just not ready to be with anyone else yet.’
‘You feel like you never will be?’
‘I don’t know about that. I might be, but the thought of it just feels so wrong.’
‘There’s nothing wrong in finding love again. Who are you hurting?’
‘I know that, but it just feels like…’
‘Gray’s not here. You can’t be unfaithful to a dead man.’ Nina winced at Robyn’s blunt analysis. She was right but that didn’t make it any less painful to hear. ‘I mean, for God’s sake, it’s been two years. You must have at least thought about being with another man!’
‘Of course I have!’ Nina snapped. She had, and that was part of the problem.
‘Then what are you waiting for?’
‘I don’t know. I mean, I’m not. It just hasn’t happened.’
‘You haven’t done much to make it happen.’
‘My confidence was knocked – alright? I’m scared I’ll get close to someone and lose them again. I’m nervous about dating because I’ve forgotten how to even do it. I feel guilty because I loved Gray and I shouldn’t be thinking about another man. All sorts of reasons are stopping me from making it happen.’
‘Gray’s not here so you can tick that one off your list.’
‘It’s not his fault he’s not here.’
‘It’s not yours either. Why should you suffer?’
‘That’s easy for you to say – you didn’t love Eric.’
Robyn’s expression hardened. ‘That’s not fair.’
‘It might not be fair but it’s a fact. You’ve been through men since he died quicker than I’ve been through teabags.’
Robyn’s mouth dropped open. ‘What the hell…’ she began coldly. ‘How can you be such a bitch about it? If you’ve been thinking that all along then why didn’t you just come out and say so? I clearly need some steering onto the path of righteousness because it’s not easy for us all to be as perfect as you.’
Nina’s eyes misted. ‘Oh, Robyn, I didn’t mean…’
She was so ashamed of her behaviour, but she couldn’t help it and she didn’t know how to apologise for what she’d regretted saying as soon as it had come out. Something had finally broken inside her and she didn’t know how to fix it, but she needed to if she was going to get back on an even keel. Robyn was right – it wasn’t fair but she’d said it anyway. Maybe this was moving on? Maybe this was finally moving forward, away from her life with Gray, towards something else… though she didn’t know what, and if this was moving forward, she didn’t think she wanted it.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said heavily. ‘I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to go because I know I’m not nice to be around right now.’
‘I don’t want to unless you want me to. Do you want me to stay away tomorrow? If you want me to, you only have to say and I will.’
‘Of course I don’t. I didn’t mean anything at Nasser’s house; I’m just frustrated by how little anyone who actually lives here cares and I took that out on you. I shouldn’t have done that and I’m sorry. I want you to come… I need you to come. Sparrow Street needs you to come.’
‘OK…’ Robyn said slowly. ‘So that means you’re coming tomorrow, even though you just said you wouldn’t?’
Nina nodded.
‘Good,’ Robyn said, pouring boiling water into the teapot. ‘So now we’re going to have tea and you’re going to talk to me until we get to the bottom of this business.’
‘I don’t mind the tea but perhaps not the other stuff.’
‘I told you before; that’s tough. I don’t care what you want; I’m more interested in what I know you need. So whether you like it or not, you’d better start talking.’
Chapter Fifteen
Robyn had stayed late, and Nina had been glad of it in the end. Without her friend’s patient ear, Nina might have found herself tipped over the edge into something she didn’t understand. As it was, though Nina was still unsure where she stood on Colm and how Robyn might react if she admitted that she was attracted to him too, they discussed plenty of other things, and that had made Nina feel much better. Robyn had called Toby once, around six, to check that he was in from college and feeding himself, though Nina suspected that Robyn also just wanted to check he was keeping away from trouble. Then she’d arranged for her parents to call in, which had made Nina feel a lot less guilty about the fact that she was taking Robyn away from the thing that really mattered in her own life just to deal with Nina’s meltdown. Before Robyn left, they’d agreed that all was well again and that they’d both be at the garden bright and early the next morning to see through what they’d started. They’d also decided that they would both give their full attention once again to the fundraising memory tree once the landscaping work was finished.
The next morning was grey and dull, but Nina pulled herself out of bed anyway. Someone had to meet Colm at the garden and it might as well be her. She’d had a phone call early that morning to say that Nasser had been to see Ada and Martha the previous evening and they were both utterly exhausted, so, although they’d offered token complaints, he’d told them to rest, because nobody wanted to see either of them get ill from working so hard. He’d negotiated some time off with his boss to
come and pitch in for an hour, which he planned to do once he’d tied up a few loose ends. It seemed that Nina’s outburst the afternoon before had sent Nasser out on a mission to make sure he recruited more people and he must have been extra persuasive because Kelly was also due to make an appearance for a couple of hours and, most surprisingly of all, so was Ron.
Nina, Nasser and Robyn were there first, and they stood together at the new gates of Sparrow Street gardens watching as Colm’s van slowed to a halt on the kerb outside. He got out, whistling the tune that had just been playing on his radio, and bid them good morning.
‘I’ve got something for you,’ he said, striding round to the back of his van and opening it up. He pulled out a large tattered box. ‘Just by coincidence, this came my way…’ He balanced the box on the floor of his van and opened it up. ‘It’s from the same demolition site where I got your fencing. I thought I might as well have another snoop around to see if I could rescue anything else from there because it’s proving to be a useful little place.’
‘They were going to throw it away?’ Nasser said incredulously as Colm produced what looked like a CCTV camera from the box. It was scuffed and dusty and had obviously been used for some time, but Colm seemed happy with his find.
‘So they were,’ Colm said. ‘I thought of you straight away. If you can find a good place to mount it and charge it up every so often, it should keep you safe. You might need to get a memory card for it too; it’s old, but I bet you’d still be able to get the right ones online. At the very least, the sight of it might act as a good enough deterrent, but if you did get any more trouble then you’d have something to show the police.’
Nasser’s smile was broad. ‘It was good of you to think of us.’ He paused, and his smile transformed into a vague frown. ‘Do we have to pay for it?’
‘Let’s just say that there was some lively haggling and, in the end, I reminded the fella that he owed me a favour or two so I managed to get it for a good price.’
‘How much?’
‘Free.’ Colm smiled broadly. ‘That OK for you?’
‘You’re a handy bloke to know.’ Robyn grinned and eyed him almost hungrily. Nina knew that look well. It wouldn’t be long before the charm offensive was in full swing again. If it was going to be tough to watch, Nina had only herself to blame because she’d had plenty of opportunities to set the record straight with Robyn and she hadn’t taken a single one.
‘I’d love to know what sort of favour he owed you,’ Robyn added.
Colm put the camera back in the box with a grin of his own. ‘Now, that would be telling.’ He looked at Nasser. ‘So you want it?’
‘We do!’ Nasser said. ‘Does it still have installation instructions with it?’
‘This is not the original box so no, it doesn’t, but I can help you fix it up – shouldn’t be too hard.’
‘Again, we’re in your debt,’ Nasser said, sounding so old-fashioned that Nina smiled at him with a deep fondness. He was a lovely man and she’d often thought his wife Yasmin a very lucky woman.
‘Pass me a flask of tea and a wee sandwich and we’ll say no more about it,’ Colm said cheerfully.
‘I can do that!’ Robyn said, almost leaping to attention like an overeager army cadet. ‘I could run to the deli and get a bacon sandwich… How about it?’
‘I’ve already had my breakfast so maybe later,’ Colm said. ‘And I’ll gladly eat what you have – there’s no need to make a special trip to the deli. I wouldn’t say no to a cup of tea, though,’ he added.
‘I’m sure we can do something about that,’ Robyn said. She turned to Nina. ‘Give us your keys and I’ll put the kettle on.’
‘There’s no need…’ Colm began. ‘I can always go to the café—’
‘No,’ Nina interrupted, forcing a bright smile. ‘Of course we wouldn’t send you to the café.’ She looked at Robyn. ‘Why don’t you stay here and I’ll go and make tea? Does everyone want one?’
‘Kelly! Ron!’ Robyn shouted over to where Kelly and Ron were deep in conversation by the fir tree. They both looked around. ‘You want a brew?’
Both of them nodded, though Robyn barely needed to ask Ron, who had never been known to turn anything down if it was free, regardless of whether he wanted it or not.
Robyn turned to Nina. ‘I’d better come with you, give you a hand to carry them all back.’
‘OK.’ Nina turned to Nasser and Colm. ‘We shouldn’t be too long.’
‘Thank you,’ Nasser said.
Nina and Robyn started to walk back to Nina’s house. For possibly the first time since they’d met – certainly the only occasion she could remember – Nina felt something like irritation towards Robyn. It wasn’t like her outburst yesterday, where the catalyst for her meltdown might have been Robyn’s comment but certainly hadn’t been about her; today it was personal.
‘He is so attractive,’ Robyn whispered as they left Nasser and Colm talking. ‘You weren’t wrong when you said he was good-looking.’
‘Did I say that?’ Nina asked, trying to keep her voice even.
‘You know you did. You said you weren’t attracted to him but—’
‘I’m not,’ Nina said firmly.
‘OK.’ Robyn shot her a swift sideways look. ‘Good. As long as I know where I stand.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I’m going to ask him out.’
Nina’s head snapped round.
‘Really?’
‘Why so surprised? Can’t I ask a man out? Women ask blokes out all the time – it’s not that weird. Maybe you should try it…’
‘I didn’t mean that, I meant… well, you’ve only just met him.’
‘Isn’t that the case for all the thousands of people who pick up in clubs and pubs and it works out OK for lots of those. Anyway, life’s too short to wait for him to do it. I think he likes me…’ Robyn turned to Nina and when she spoke again her voice was less certain. ‘Do you think he likes me? I mean, does it seem that way to you? Do you think he’d say yes? You’d tell me if I was making a big fat fool of myself, wouldn’t you?’
‘Of course I would,’ Nina said in a voice so irritatingly level it was even beginning to annoy her. She was terrified that what she’d experienced the day before, the way she’d lost it with everyone, was going to happen again – even now she could feel the beginnings of it. What was wrong with her? Why did she feel so angry about everything but so powerless to do anything to make it better? ‘I’d always tell you my honest opinion.’
She would, and her honest opinion was that Colm would probably find Robyn attractive and that they’d probably have a good time if they went out on a date. They were both free, both obviously looking for something – love, a good time with no strings… who knew? Robyn was cute, lots of fun, confident, gregarious – all in all a pretty good prospect. If Nina was Colm she’d say yes to Robyn – at least, she couldn’t imagine why he’d say no. She pushed thoughts of any alternative conclusion to this situation firmly from her thoughts. Why shouldn’t Robyn get the chance? Her bravery at least deserved it.
‘I think he’d be mad not to say yes,’ Nina said carefully.
‘And he’s definitely single? I don’t want another Peter situation…’
‘I’m fairly certain he is; I mean, I told you about the absent wife last night, didn’t I?’
‘That’s not the same at all. Absent wives I can deal with – it’s the ones that still live with them I’ve got problems with…’
‘And he has a teenage daughter…’
‘Well, that’s OK – I have Toby. If anything, that makes us a better match.’
At her front door Nina rifled in the pocket of her parka for her keys and opened up. ‘I suppose it does,’ she said.
As they went through to the kitchen, once again she tried not to think of a reality in which Robyn was dating Colm. Not that she had any right to mind, and she had to keep reminding herself of that.
‘Shall we make it in the po
t and let them pour their own?’ Robyn asked, her voice cutting into Nina’s thoughts.
‘Sorry…?’
‘Shall we make a pot of tea and let everyone help themselves rather than do lots of mugs?’
‘Oh… right. I don’t think the teapot will hold enough – at least not for a decent cup.’
‘OK, it’ll have to be mugs then. I just thought using the pot might save us some teabags.’ Robyn turned to her with a shrewd look. ‘Are you sure you’re OK? If this is anything to do with yesterday…’
‘I’m fine.’ Nina forced a smile, though it was possibly the hardest thing she’d ever done. ‘I feel much better after our chat.’
Robyn shook her head. ‘Grief’s a funny thing, isn’t it? Just when you think you’ve got the upper hand, it creeps up and gives you another slap round the head.’
Nina nodded, certain now that what she’d told Robyn the night before – half-true anyway – had been enough to satisfy her friend that her outburst had been nothing more than a relapse of her mourning for Gray and frustration that she was unable to move on. That much was true – she missed him more than ever, but she was sick of being stuck in the same rut of missing him, knowing he was never coming back, but still being unable to see past all that. People often told her that time would heal, but it didn’t seem to be doing a very good job for Nina.
‘I have to say,’ Robyn added, ‘I don’t quite believe you. I don’t think you’re right this morning.’
‘I am, honestly.’
‘Want to know what I think?’ Robyn continued, ignoring Nina’s assurances, ‘I think you’re lonely. I mean, you said you’re lonely sometimes but I think you’re really lonely.’
‘I couldn’t possibly be really lonely with so many lovely people around me.’
‘I don’t mean that sort of lonely, and I think you know what sort of lonely I mean.’
‘Maybe,’ Nina said carefully. ‘The trouble is I’m not ready to do anything about it.’
‘That’s it – maybe you are but you haven’t realised it yet.’
The Garden on Sparrow Street: A heartwarming, uplifting Christmas romance Page 15
