by Seven Steps
I hated myself, loathed myself. I was so selfish, so terrible.
I looked away from Julius because I didn’t deserve to look at him anymore. I didn’t deserve anything good anymore.
“I believe you,” he said. “I’ve always believed you.”
I sniffed and wiped my nose with the back of my hand.
“Hey, don’t cry.” He gently took my chin between his forefinger and thumb then tilted my head until I was forced to look into his eyes again. He used the thumb on the opposite hand to wipe away my tears. “Don’t you worry. I’ll take care of you—both of you—and my parents will come around. You’ll see.”
He moved his hands to the back of my neck and pulled me closer, kissing me on the forehead.
“We’re going to be all right, Coats.”
I rested my forehead on his chin.
“Julius…” My voice came out crackly, like a wrinkled sheet of paper. “If we weren’t having this baby, would you still want to be with me?”
There it was, the question I should never have asked. The question was going to destroy me, but I didn’t care. I deserved to be destroyed after all I’d done.
He sighed.
“Meg, before this whole thing, I didn’t know who you were.”
My heart sank. I’d expected him to say that, but hearing it was a blow to the gut.
“Then I got to know you better. You’re into weird movies, your jokes are terrible, and your appetite leaves something to be desired. I mean, you didn’t even finish my mom’s chicken.”
I squirmed in his grip. I wanted to flee the car—no, the country. Screw it—the whole solar system. I wanted to get on a spaceship and never be heard from again.
“But you’re also smart, strong, and the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.”
I stopped squirming.
“Every day I wake up and I wonder how I’ve spent the past sixteen years of my life without you.”
My body melted into a puddle, right there in the car.
“I like you Coats, really like you, and I think this could be the beginning of something amazing. It’s going to be a hard road, but I wouldn’t want to travel it with anyone else.”
This wonderful, sensitive, responsible man liked me. I didn’t deserve it, but still it made my heart soar.
“I like you too, Julius.”
His lips were still pressed to my forehead. I felt him smile.
“I figured. I mean, with the way you keep staring at my muscles.”
I laughed out loud and playfully pushed him. He pretended to be thrown back to the door then threw himself forward toward me and placed a quick peck on my lips.
I froze.
It was so sudden I wasn’t sure it had happened.
Did that just happen?
It must’ve because my lips were humming and my body was heating and my mind started to spin.
Julius had kissed me.
His playful smile melted into something that sent shivers through me.
I clenched my back teeth.
I couldn’t let him kiss me again.
Not with what I had to do, what I needed to do.
“Good night, Julius.”
I raced from the car and into my house. I slammed the door, putting a barrier between me and Golden Boy.
My heart was racing, my breathing shallow, my lips throbbing. It was such a small, brief kiss, but it felt like…everything.
Everything.
I ran up the stairs and locked myself in my room before my parents could question me.
I didn’t have time for their questions now.
I had problems of my own to figure out.
Like, how could I learn to be brave?
10
Brave?
The knot in my throat was overwhelming. Down in the depths of my soul, I wanted to be brave. I wanted to gather every single shred of courage from my body and face the world to save Julius.
Sweet Julius, who didn’t deserve Clay’s plan being thrust on him.
My beautiful Julius, whose desire would turn to hate the minute he found out what I’d done.
Could I live with his hatred? A pang bolted through my heart at the thought, but I didn’t focus on it.
I had to be brave.
I had to, even if everyone in school despised me for it. My goal wasn’t to redeem myself, but to return Julius’ life to him. I owed my Golden Boy that much.
Early Monday morning, before anyone arrived at school, I stopped by the film club room.
My eyes teared up as I stared at the stage, the posters on the wall, the props in the corner.
It was time for me to give up my dreams the way Julius had so willingly given up his. Rectifying the wrong I’d done would be way better than living a lie. I wouldn’t be happy staying at St. Mary’s knowing I had pushed Julius to go.
I had to be brave, even if it cost me everything.
There were no other options.
Later that afternoon, I found Clay using his alluring smile on a clueless cheerleader just past the football field sidelines. She was twittering like a canary at whatever he was whispering to her. The sight made me nauseous.
I marched up and shoved my face between the two lovers.
“Clay, I need to talk to you—now!”
The cheerleader’s lips poked out in an offended pout. I ignored her. Instead, I focused on the agitated, pale blue eyes that were now focused on me.
Clay raised his eyebrow, and his overly confident mask slipped into place.
“Now? I’m not the father, too, am I?” He laughed before he leaned forward to whisper in the cheerleader’s ear. “See you at The Center, babe.”
Her pout dissolved, and he watched her as she skipped away, happy as a cockroach in the dark.
“I should make you pay for that,” Clay growled.
I shifted my body to face him with my hands on my hips.
“You need to tell Julius, your friend, the truth.” I emphasized the word friend, hoping it would touch any good he still had inside. I doubted he had any, but I could try.
He twisted his lips, deepening his annoyed expression.
“Are you finished?”
Figures. Pleading with him wouldn’t work.
I poked him in the middle of the chest with two fingers.
“No, I’m not.” I lowered my hand. “Last time you threatened me with a crap story and I accepted it, but this time I won’t.” I waved my fingers back and forth. “Tell him the truth and walk away.”
He laughed. “You think it’s that easy? You need to grow up and face the reality of who I am and what I’m capable of. Don’t you know I can break you if I choose to? Don’t you get it?”
I wanted to smack him until his face turned as red as the stripes on our flag.
“Clay, you can’t do this. You need to give up this crazy idea. You’re ruining his life. Don’t you care about him? He’s your friend.”
“The deal is set in stone, Meg. The train has left the station, and there’s no going back.”
“What’s the point of all this? Since you became quarterback, the team has already lost a game. We never lose a game. Don’t you care about the team? Our reputation?” I stared him down, trying to figure out if I’d hit a nerve.
His cold eyes seemed to freeze over.
I shuddered, but my eyes remained locked on his. I wouldn’t back down from this low-life, not this time.
He bent over, pushing his face so close to mine I could smell the cheeseburger with onions on his breath.
“You have no idea what you’re talking about. The team is getting used to my superb direction. I am being trained by my father, the great Gerald Bart Roman himself, star quarterback for the Texas Kings. Give it a few weeks and this team will win more games than Julius ever could’ve ever dreamed of.”
“You don’t have a few weeks, Clay. It’s the postseason. Once Coach Phil finds out how terrible you are, he’ll throw you back on the bench so fast your head will spin, and then wh
at? What will the great Gerald Bart Roman think of that?”
He scrunched his nose like a pug and inched closer.
“Remember who you’re talking to, Meg. If you try to back out of this deal again, I’ll break you. You’ll be so far down on the social ladder the janitor won’t even talk to you.”
“If that’s the price of my soul, I’ll pay it.”
He pointed one long finger in my face, his jaw set so hard I thought it’d break.
“Watch it, Meg. This is your last warning.”
Then he stomped off.
Sorry piece of trash. Nah—even trash was better than him.
Clay’s actions proved he didn’t care about Julius, me, or the school. He didn’t care that the players were all upset about losing a game under his leadership, or that they missed Julius’ direction.
All he cared about was himself, which meant I was out of options.
I’d tried to reason and scheme my way out, but nothing had worked. This was the final straw. There was no way for me to stay in school and save Julius.
I had to choose.
No, I’d already chosen. I just had to stop hiding and start facing the consequences of my actions.
I couldn’t run anymore.
I had to stand and fight.
I had to be brave.
I walked into film club with heavy steps.
This was it.
It was, quite possibly, my last day here.
“Well, well, well,” Mr. Walters said. “Megera Kotopuli is on time. Is the sky falling?”
I’d miss Mr. Walters most of all. He was a cool guy and a great friend, even if he was a teacher.
“No sky falling today,” I said. I dropped my bookbag next to his desk. “Can I talk to you about something?”
He sat up from his reclined position.
“Is this about the baby?” he asked.
I frowned.
“You know?”
He leaned closer, keeping his voice down. “Meg, everyone knows. I’m not one to judge, and if you need anything, I want you to email me. Don’t call, because I’m avoiding some unsavory debt collectors, but you can email me at any time.”
I managed a smile.
“Thank you, Mr. Walters. I have to take some time off and can’t be cinematographer.” My words almost didn’t make it out of my mouth.
“So.” He leaned back in his seat. “I suppose your protege will be taking over during your absence? Let her do the job until you’re ready next year.”
We both looked over at Poppy. She was sitting on a beanbag, watching another movie, no doubt.
“Do you think she can do it?” he asked.
I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter. She has to.”
He sighed. “If you’re going to give up your place, you’ll have to be the one to tell her.”
“I was kind of hoping you would do it,” I said nervously.
I didn’t want to face Poppy’s questions or judgement. I’d had too much of that already.
Mr. Walters shook his head. “You’ve been making some brave decisions lately, Meg. It’s time to make one more.”
If only he knew how not brave I was.
I sighed and slowly walked over to Poppy. Along the way, I took in everything around me.
Madeline’s eccentric outfit, complete with a purple velvet cape.
Homer’s botching his lines, despite his best efforts. Sophia’s sweet smile and perfect diction.
The words.
The smell of paper scripts and mothy costumes on clothes racks.
The laughter.
The way the light shone through the window.
Sarah’s terrible attempts at puns.
I let it all wash over me. I’d miss it all, but deep down inside, I knew this was my mess to clean up.
I stood behind Poppy, took a deep breath, and tapped her shoulder.
Here goes nothing.
She tipped her head back and stared up at me.
“Hey,” I said.
“Hey.”
My eyes went to Caleb and Sarah, who were both trying not to make it obvious that they were watching us.
What must they think of me? Will they be glad when I’m gone?
Homer ignored me, and I didn’t care—not anymore.
“I just wanted you to know this is my last day at film club. You’re the head cinematographer now.”
Her face went white.
“What?” She put her laptop on the ground and jumped up. “You can’t leave.”
“It’s not like I want to. I just…I don’t think it can be avoided.”
She grabbed my arm. “You can’t go. I have no idea what I’m doing.”
“What? We’ve been working together for two years.”
“Yes—you do the work and I hand you the camera. I haven’t been paying attention.”
I put my hand on her shoulder.
“I’m sorry, Poppy. I really am.”
“You can’t abandon me. I need you. If I don’t do well, Mr. Walters will kick me out, and I need this on my college application. It’s the only elective I have!”
“Poppy, calm down. You’ll do fine. I know you will.”
I pulled her stiff body into a quick hug then released her, and that was that.
The torch had been passed. There was only one thing left to do now.
Poppy stood shell-shocked as I turned and walked out the door.
My walked turned into a jog.
My jog turned into a run.
The next thing I knew, I was sprinting.
Away from Poppy.
Away from fear.
Away from all the things I’d grown to love.
It was time to step up and finally be brave.
11
They say to be careful what you wish for because everything comes with a price.
Clay wished to be the new quarterback, and he expected magic. Instead, the school held up a mirror to show him who he really was.
A failure.
He’d set out to prove that anyone could be Julius Samson, and he’d failed. He’d failed so much that the school was having a goodbye pep rally to mourn the loss of the greatest quarterback to ever grace the halls of St. Mary’s Academy, to grieve the second-rate starter that was Clay Roman.
They’d never win another game with Clay, and he knew it.
Maybe that was why he was so angry when he walked into Julius’ farewell rally.
The gym was packed to the rafters with bodies and streamers and blaring horns. My fellow students cheered for the past and mourned for the future, and in the middle of it all was Julius Samson, taking everything in with humility and dignity. He shook hands, waved, and hugged his way through the crowd like he was running for some kind of political office, and everyone adored him for it.
I adored him for it.
The cheerleaders shook their pom-poms and chanted, “J-U-L-I-U-S. He’s the strongest. He’s the best. Go Julius!”
The screams were deafening as the local hometown hero was celebrated.
I sat front row center. To my left was Sarah, then Ariel and Eric. To my right was a girl Ariel had introduced as Bella and her boyfriend Cole—two new members of the MK protection squad.
Coach Phil approached the podium in the center of the gym. He was older then middle-aged but not yet ancient, with a firm build and a hard expression. He pulled at the brim of his school cap before raising his hands to silence the crowd.
“Students of St. Mary’s Academy.” His booming voice echoed through the gym. It was so loud, I was sure they heard it in Times Square. “Today we come together to say goodbye to a lion.” Everyone roared so loudly the gym floor shook. “I first saw Julius Hercules Samson as a freshman. To say our first meeting was impressive would be an understatement. He walked up to me with that bouncy walk of his, stuck out his hand, and said, ‘Coach Phil, my name is Julius Samson and it’s an honor to ride your bench this season, sir.’” A few laughs skittered through the gym and Julius turned
a bright shade of red. “After my initial feelings of discomfort wore off, I started to notice the qualities that made this kid great: his leadership, even when he was not on the field, his courage in the face of any and all opposition, his loyalty to the team, and his humble approach to life. Herc, I can honestly say it was my honor to have you on my field this season. I’m not going to sugarcoat the fact that you are leaving due to making poor choices, but I will say I’m proud of you for stepping up and trying to make things right.”
Everyone clapped for that.
“At a time when many kids your age would run the other way, you are choosing to stand and raise the next generation, and for that I applaud you. I’ll miss you, the team will miss you, and most of all, the student body of St. Mary’s Academy will miss you. Come here, son.”
Julius walked up to the podium to shake Coach Phil’s hand and was instantly pulled into a massive hug. I could have sworn I saw the man shed a tear. Then, he stepped back and asked Julius to say a few words.
The crowd screamed and roared so loud I was sure the roof would blow off, and then they began to chant.
“Her-cu-les. Her-cu-les.”
Goosebumps ran over my neck and my arms. It suddenly occurred to me what Julius really meant to this school.
What he really meant to me.
After a while, the cheers died down and Julius began to speak.
“First, I want to say, let’s go Lions!”
The students replied with the loudest roar I’d ever heard.
Julius smiled.
“You know, ever since I was a little kid, I wanted to play football. After work, my dad would take me outside and we’d throw the ball around. I remember breaking my leg when I was ten years old. I was laid up for a few weeks, but surprisingly, I wasn’t mad about it. I remember my mom crying and worrying, and I said, ‘It’s okay Mom, I’ll be alright, but can you move a little to the left? It’s playoff season and I’m missing the game.’ My dad laughed. My mom did not.”
A few kids laughed. My stomach hurt too much to do anything but stare.
“For years I lived football, breathed it. I could tell you every Heisman trophy winner since 1935. I could name every stadium in the country and which team played there. Then I came here, as many of you know, on a football scholarship. I remember walking through the front doors and being so happy because I knew it was the first step in achieving my dream of going to the NFL. This school gave me hope that one day, I could be someone not just good, but great. Every day I was grateful and I worked harder than anyone because I knew if I could make it here, I could make it in college and beyond. I gotta admit, I’m going to miss every one of you. I’ll miss my brothers and fellow Lions on the team.” His eyes grew glassy and his voice shook. “But, most of all, I’m going to miss those Friday night lights.” His voice cracked, and he ran his hand over his face. The crowd clapped as his cleared his throat and tried to compose himself.
