by Mia Wolf
I wake up in my bed the next morning. A hazy memory of drifting downhill while half asleep makes my head hurt. I wince from some unknown pain. Sitting up straight and turning my back to the mirror, I see the reddened scratches. Reaching my hand to my back, I try to touch one. The sharp pain makes me grimace. I look like a travesty. Like the aftermath of a disaster.
I have no intentions of getting out of bed, but I have several council meetings to attend to. As the year comes to a close, the clan leaders gather to make assessments about how it went. I am quite uninterested in the matters. Not because I think it is unimportant but because it always turns ugly. People’s ulterior motives surface, and all that important business about the prosperity of the clan gets put behind everyone’s own agenda. Classic politics. Nowhere else does one feel the crushing forces of being a cog in a churning machine than at the top. Where everything depends on you, yet all you have is the illusion of control. You can fool yourself into thinking you can change things, woods forbid, I know that’s what my father did his whole life. Only now do I feel grateful I was too young to recognize it all those years.
My day ends late. I eat dinner as soon as I reach my one bedroom apartment. All the diplomacy and the talking takes its toll, doesn’t it? I check my phone to see the time. It buzzes as soon as I unlock it. There are ten other notifications, but all I can see is the latest one. It’s from the dating website. I open it in my browser and take a moment to understand it.
“Joshua.” That’s all that the text says. I see the woman’s name on the top bar and due to lack of context just type in her name. You know, like a greeting. Or an acknowledgment. Like ‘message received.’ I don’t tell her any of that. I wonder if she finds it weird. The scratches on my back still hurt.
Jessica and I chat for a bit until she asks me to make her feel better. My first thought is how much I miss that. How much I miss taking care of someone. Having someone next to me. My second thought is, I wish Mia were here. It isn’t a new thought. I’ve had the same thought at least once every day ever since the day of her accident. It leaves a bitter aftertaste in my mouth. I can keep longing for her for eternity, and nothing would change. The realization pulses through my veins. The pain is dull, but it’s there. Oh, how I feel it every waking moment.
I tell Jessica what I would’ve told Mia. Or more accurately, I instruct her. See, the thing about falling apart is that when you’re all alone, you’re the only one you’ve got. You’ve got to pick yourself up. It’s hard, but it’s important. I learned that lesson the hard way myself. But I’m still here. Even on the days I don’t care for life much, I remind myself of that.
Jessica, to my complete surprise, heeds to my instructions like an obedient puppy. I have a good laugh when she refuses to sleep. I find my energy and patience waning from the mental labor of the day, so I feel glad when she finally agrees. Besides, in her state, she could use some sleep a lot more than I could.
“I’m in bed. Lights are out. Cozy up in your blanket and go to sleep,” I send the last text for the night.
“Thanks. I really needed this.” She leaves it at that.
Her words make me feel better. I hold my blanket a little too tightly that night. I also feel a little less alone. My thoughts are muffled. Sometimes of Mia, sometimes Jessica, and sometimes they’re all about how I’d like to end this all. Without any warning, without delay. I battle that part of me and sleep instead. Life is mostly about not dying when all you want to do is disappear.
Chapter 7 – Jessica
When I wake up the next day, I feel calm. I don’t tell this to Joshua, but I inwardly thank him for being there. It would’ve been a tough night if it weren’t for him.
The weight of my worries, however, returns with the new day. I tackle them with courage or at least try to. Breaking down is not going to solve anything, anyway. I try to call in more favors from friends and friends of friends, but nothing really comes up. Something to do with the year coming to an end. It makes me wonder why that wouldn’t be a great time to hire new staff?
In the end, I agree to a couple of interviews that are an obvious downsize from my current pay grade. I try not to get fazed by that. I can always work my way up. I’ve done it before, after all. All the consoling and the staying positive wears me out. I ask myself again and again, why must I stay positive? Things are going south. I don’t have a job, I’m running low on savings, my boyfriend dumped me for my best friend. What’s there to stay positive for? I want to stop keeping my chin up, but I don’t. Perhaps, it has something to do with my mother. She would want me to make the best of any situation. Quite frankly, I have no memory of her where she wasn’t trying to spin a bad situation into a good one. I suppose it’s ingrained in me. So even if it’s a lot of effort, I hold my head high. It makes me think of Joshua. He reminds me of my mother in a way that I can’t explain.
Kristen comes back home and hugs me when I tell her about the whole Vitality skin clinic debacle. She is surprised to find me not crumbled to bits. Not in a patronizing way.
“That’s some hardcore resilience,” she tells me and gently punches my shoulder as a sign of respect.
Deep down, I feel like I have Joshua to thank for this newfound positive outlook towards life. I always had it in me, I just needed someone to care enough to remind me of it.
Joshua and I start chatting more and more over the next week. He is shocked when he finds out about the job and Derek. He is raw anger when I tell him Derek dumped me for my best friend. I explain to him how I’m living with Kristen and trying to get interviews right now. Normally, I wouldn’t dare tell this to someone I’m hoping to date. It makes you sound like a lousy, incompetent human being whose life is inevitably falling apart. Which makes this situation with Joshua interesting. Are we even worried about dating at this point? The thought hasn’t really crossed my mind until now, and Joshua hasn’t brought it up either. We have taken this opportunity to form a friendship of sorts. Whatever it is, I’m quite thankful for it. And I hope Joshua feels the same.
“I thought you lost money in stocks or something. To make you cry like that,” Joshua jokes about the day we started talking to each other. I tell him I have made my peace with my situation. All I need to do is fix it. Baby steps.
I barely even think of Derek all week as I talk to Joshua. He calms me down when I’m about to explode over some rejection or over things not working out for one reason or another. One night during an extremely ugly meltdown, I call him up, and he helps me calm down. Since then we call each other whenever texting starts to feel inadequate.
The more I spend time talking to Joshua, the more I understand why I felt so goddamn lonely in my last relationship. Derek and I, we were never friends with each other. I admit part of the blame is on me, I was never there for him either. It makes me wonder if Derek and Skylar have found that in each other. I think I could be happy for them about that. Or, could I?
After a week of job hunting to no avail, calling in all the possible favors, I finally hit a dead end. Despite my best efforts, I feel a dull, all-consuming sense of failure come over me. Kristen, Joshua, and Karen try their best to help me out in their own ways, but nothing seems to be working out. On a call with Karen, as she tells me she can try and get me a few more gigs if I can wait for a month, she points out that her offer to fly me to New York and work for her still stands. Kristen, on her part, assures me that she doesn’t mind me being around her house at all.
“Stay for as long as you need, love,” she tells me.
I can hardly believe my luck to be surrounded by so many generous people. Then there is Joshua who refuses to let me go down any negative thinking path. He insists that things will turn out just fine because they always do. I want to believe him. But I also know I can only last so long without work. I’m already digging into my savings, which aren’t that hefty.
I call Joshua when I feel like I no longer want to be in this alone. Talking to someone else and just getting all this frustration out wo
uld help me breathe a little easier, I tell myself. Though, it might just be an excuse to talk to Joshua. Somehow, it’s comforting to share things with him. He has a way of making me feel better by making my problems seem like they’re not so bad. I, on the other hand, tend to blow them out of proportion. Keeping a level head is what I need right now.
“Can we talk for a bit?” I ask Joshua.
“Sure. Are you okay?” Joshua asks genuinely.
“I’m alright. Well, I’m not, actually. I don’t feel so good. I know I will figure something out and things will get better. I know all of that, but none of it really means that it doesn’t absolutely suck right now.” I sigh.
There’s a long pause, and I wonder if the call is still on.
“Joshua?” I ask to confirm.
“Yeah, I’m here,” he replies. “How about you come and stay with me for a few weeks?”
I am stunned into silence. I ask him to repeat what he just said because I’m unsure if I heard him correctly.
“Jessica, I mean it,” he says firmly, “come and stay with me.”
“I can’t do that,” I let out through a cough. The suddenness of the offer makes me choke a little. I can’t accept that, right? “Why would you do that for me? We’re nothing to each other.”
The words sting me more than I anticipated which makes me wonder how much they must have stung him.
“I wouldn’t say we’re nothing to each other,” is all he says.
“I didn’t mean it like that,” I clarify. There is silence on the line for a long time until Joshua finally speaks.
“My offer is sincere. You can come and live with me. I think you should take some time to think about it.” He pauses. “I’ll be here even if you decide not to.”
He hangs up. His words tumble around in my head for a long time afterward. We don’t text at all that night. I am left pondering over all the different directions my life wants to lead me. I could pack everything up and go to New York. Start a new life in a new city unburdened by the past. Karen is ready to offer me a handsome salary. I would be able to make a comfortable life for myself up there. Or I could wait it out here. I could take up Kristen on her offer and stick around for a while. Something will eventually turn up. Then I think about Joshua’s words. Why can’t I take his offer as seriously as Kristen’s or Karen’s? I’m sure it has something to do with how little time we have known each other. Or something about my fresh wounds from my very fresh break up. I am not ready to have my heart broken so soon.
I’ll be here even if you decide not to. The sound of Joshua’s voice in my head sends tingles down my spine. I arch my back in my bed and feel flushed at the thoughts that invade my head. Me and Joshua in bed together. I screech out loud and shake my head violently. What am I doing having these thoughts when I’m waist deep in shit? I place a hand on my heart and try to calm my nerves. My thumping heartbeat gives me a strange sense of reassurance. Like I’m still here. Still alive. My heart’s still beating.
My thoughts turn to my mother. Find love and live happily. Her words. They make me feel tranquil. Like everything will be okay. My hand is still on my chest.
“New York?” I say out loud. My heart thumps once, twice. A regular pulse.
“Joshua,” I whisper, and my heart skips a beat. I giggle, not knowing what to make of it. I don’t want to complicate our situation. He might not have the same feelings for me. This isn’t about our feelings for each other, I tell myself. It’s about his offer. Wouldn’t I have done the same if he were in a similar situation?
Find love and live happily. My mother’s words lull me to sleep. With my hand still on my chest, I know what I need to do.
Chapter 8 – Joshua
“Shit,” is the first word that comes out of my mouth as I drop my phone on my bed after I hang up. I grip my head in my hands. What have I done? What am I doing inviting a human into my house, into this village? My emotions and reason are at odds.
I couldn’t have just left her alone in a situation like this, right? I bargain with myself. We’re not nothing to each other. My thoughts still defy her.
My heart is pounding in my chest for a reason I can’t place. I clutch at it with my hands, trying to make it stop beating like a drum. It doesn’t let up. She hasn’t even said yes yet. She could say no. I feel my heart sink a little at the thought. I can already see how hard it is going to be if she agrees to come and live with me. Then I remember the staccato bursts of her sobs. They fill my ears like a tank filling up with water. When I’m filled to the brim, my resolve crystallizes. Despite everything, I still want her to say yes. I want her to come and stay with me if that’s the only way I can be of help.
Hearing her wail like a wounded kitten, I couldn’t help myself. She has done nothing to deserve the mess she is in right now. Her mother, her ex. Rage boils in me at the thought of her ex-boyfriend. If I go and break every last one of his bones, it would still be too kind. I loosen my fisted fingers, blood rushing to my white knuckles. Not treasuring what you have is the most unkind thing you can do to the people in your life.
I surprise myself by how much of an effect Jessica has on me. She has done nothing to cause it. I don’t understand why I’m behaving quite unlike myself. We haven’t even met each other in person. I’m at a complete loss of ideas. Where did she come from? What is she doing to me? All I know is I need to help her. So I did it the only way I could think of. I will gladly face the consequences of that action.
“Jessica,” I say out loud. Then laugh. Her name alone makes me forget all of my worries. What is happening to me?
I wake up the next morning with my phone ringing underneath my pillow. I reach for it still half disoriented from sleep. I see the caller’s name. It’s Jessica. My eyes pop open. I hit accept.
“Jessica?” My voice is groggy. “Is everything okay?” What could be the matter at this hour?
“Yeah, calm down. I’m okay,” she says sensing my unease. Relief washes over me from hearing her voice. I sigh, getting worked up over nothing. “What’s up? It’s early,” I say, checking the time on my phone. It’s 7 in the morning.
“Yeah, I wanted to talk. It’s important.” Her voice is low. I can hear the tremble in it. I try my best not to freak out as I wait for her to speak.
“I want to come to stay with you,” she says, and silence replaces her words.
I’m taken aback for a second. “For real?” I ask, not believing what I’d just heard.
“For real,” she says as quiet as a whisper.
Some invisible weight lifts off my shoulder. I relax in my bed. There is the faintest buzz on the line as we both let the realization sink in. It’s decided.
“When should I come to pick you up then?” I ask. I feel as calm as the sea. “Today?” The unnerving feeling I had been feeling for the last week suddenly disappears. I am at ease. This girl got me worked up in all sorts of ways, I think to myself. I don’t tell her that. She doesn’t need to worry about it. She’s got enough on her plate.
“No, I think I should say goodbye to a few people and to this place before I part ways with it. Give me some time.”
“I understand.” I pause, thinking about how long would be appropriate to say goodbye. “Tomorrow then?” I add matter-of-factly.
Jessica laughs on the other end. I don’t understand why.
“Yeah, tomorrow,” she finally says. I don’t know what it is in her voice, but she seems quieter, calmer. I don’t ask her about it. Not that it’s a bad thing, anyway. Besides, when she’s here, there’ll be a lot of time to catch up on everything.
“See you then.” I notice the stupid grin on my face in the mirror.
“See you then,” she says in a raspy voice that makes my blood rush. I cut the call before I can say anything stupid to scare her off. A growl leaves my throat once I’m off the phone, the grin morphing into a serious, dark look.
I’m in a lot of trouble, aren’t I? All kinds of trouble. I’ve gone and done it now. I think about Mi
a and about what she would say if she were here. Nothing comes to mind. The world, my world has grown so distant from the one where she was alive that I no longer understand what she would do in my reality now.
Tomorrow is so damn early. I scratch my overgrown facial hair. I need to get a lot done before she’s here.
I spring out of my bed feeling grateful to be able to wake up after a long time.
Chapter 9 – Jessica
I can’t believe this is happening. I can’t believe I’m doing this. Just because I’ve made a decision, doesn’t mean I’m ready to follow through with it. I’m definitely getting cold feet at this, I admit to myself.
“I can’t believe I’m doing this,” I say to Kristen who is in shock when I tell her that I’m temporarily moving in with a guy I had been talking to for only a week. She wouldn’t understand. Most people won’t. They don’t know what it’s like to not have anyone to call your own. Kristen has her family members who dote on her. Friends at work who rely on her. Me? I don’t. I don’t even have Derek now, nor my best friend. It must seem like a crazy move to someone who doesn’t know what being completely alone in this world is like. The desperation to have anything to call your own.
“I can’t believe you’re doing this, either. Haven’t you seen the documentaries? That’s how the psycho killers lure their victims.” Kristen pauses, hearing her own words. “You know, he could be a murderer.”
I place both of my hands on her shoulders. “I’ll run right back to you if he’s a murderer.” I know there's nothing I can say that will placate her, so I let her fight her own imagination.
